jon's blog

jon's 2012 big announcement

2012-01-30T03:15:00.000-07:00

It's my living wish that you watch this video. I'm starting it here and moving it to all other media later today.

why not come sundancing it's only natural

2012-01-18T02:19:00.002-07:00

Please note that I'm hitting up the Sundance Film Festival this year. I have Friday, January 20 off of work, so I'm going to try to make a day of it. If I can, I'm going to try to get into the following films:

9:00 am: The Queen of Versailles (documentary about rich people from the housing boom stuck with an unfinished palace)

11:15 am: The Raid (sounds like the Indonesian martial arts version of Die Hard)

3:00 pm: Indie Game (documentary on independent video game creators)

6:30 pm: Celeste and Jesse Forever (Andy Samberg and Rashida Jones get divorced)

9:45 pm: Red Lights (It's by the guy who made Buried and it's got Cillian Murphy and Elizabeth Olsen)

11:45 pm: Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie (sounds weird and funny)

If anyone would like to go to these or any other movies on Friday, please let me know. I'm going to try to wake up early and go to the box office to grab what tickets are available. I probably won't be able to get all of my choices, but I'll prioritize. Please let me know. It'll be fun.

2011 a quarter of a picture at a time

2012-01-13T23:45:00.002-07:00

Much of my record keeping this last year has been in Twitter entries. I'm reproducing the most life-changing Tweets here as my final (extremely accurate) summation of 2011. I guess I talk about movies a lot huh?

21 January:
About to watch Bellflower -- the riskiest sounding film today (future tweet: Bellflower is the dumbest movie I've ever seen). #sundance

1 February
Made it through Winter's Bone! Fascinating science fiction. Takes place on a planet called "Ozarks."

2 February
Aaaaand just finished The Kids Are All Right. Huh. Lesbianism is far boringer than I have been led to believe.

6 February
I'm totally loving being in the middle of this righteous five-day weekend! Well, except that I have to work for two of the five days.

10 February
This just in! Jerry Sloan to become the new president of Egypt!

16 February
Really? Watson didn't pick Skynet as its charity? #jeopardy

27 February
Babies aren't made through sexual intercourse. Made up 8000 years ago cuz propagating human race seemed like a good excuse to fool around.

27 February
Man, Billy Crystal's gone downhill since Miracle Max.

1 March
Never been drunk, but whenever I eat Carolina BBQ chips I wake up with a massive hangover.

6 March
You know how people say "everything happens for a reason?" The Adjustment Bureau teaches the horror of that statement.

8 March
Think I'm giving up R movies for Lent, which might be rough because I only have 129 PG movies in my instant queue and 152 in my DVD queue.

9 March
Other things I'm considering Lenting: red meat, washing hands after using the toilet, words with the letter K, hookers.

22 March
So Mickey Rourke is gonna play Gadhafi in the movie, right? RIGHT?!

23 March
Big announcement! The limitations of twitter don't do it justice. Please check my blog: http://jonmadsen.blogspot.com/2011/03/blog-post.html

3 April
Whoops! Left the car windows down during the blizzard! Ha ha! That is so me (I hate everything and everyone)!

7 April
Got Thursday off. The Pringles and clam dip coma begins... NOW!

17 April
Watching a recorded Kimmel show from earlier. Seriously, there were THIRTY-SIX commercials between Tom Arnold and @alisonbrie. #thanxDVR

17 April
Sorry, but I have to say it again. One TV show. 36 advertisements right in a row. I still have it recorded. Come over and watch. Fascinating

20 April
I'm working on my fore-handed insults. Example: "Your ignorance barely disguises how much prettier you are than me."

23 April
Wow. Nothing says pathetic and out of shape more than a softball victory through forfeit and then actually being sore from it the next day.

24 April
2011 has been my very favorite Easter. In fact I'm gonna call it "Eastest."

1 May
I need to reiterate. ALL the Fast and the Furious movies suck (except the first one, the third one, the fourth one and the fifth one).

6 May
That scene where Thor walks into the room without his shirt on will prevent all girls from wanting to score with me this year.

6 May
I mean that had to be CGI right? Related: I'm now a little gayer.

6 May
@averagejoseph Flippin. They should have called it: "Thor: God of Thunder from Down Under."

7 May
It was mildly warm today. Big welcome to the first swass of the season! Let's enjoy it until October!

27 May
The Hangover Part II was pretty much like any other Netflix streaming horror movie of the week, but my theater had a laugh track.

4 June
Hottest babes in First Class in order: that Kravitz chick, January Jones, Michael Fassbender.

7 June
Our city garbage can emanates rank odor. I want to throw it away, but the city never takes it when I set it by the curb.

14 June
Last night I wrote 12 pages in my journal! Angst-ridden junior high moping is back bitches!

21 June
I look better than I feel. And I feel badass.

22 June
How was your Solstice? I celebrated by totally beating a girl at tennis.

22 June
Just had an awesome, refreshing sneeze. It's the best thing that's happened to me today and, I guess, all summer.

28 June
I'm feeling fat today. I really mean that. I'm literally feeling myself up right now.

28 June
Okay, I just saw how gross that last one looks. Sorry. I'm just saying my hand got stuck in one of my ab chins. That's it.

28 June
It's just that I'm in a quiet room right now and when I move slightly I can actually hear sections of my body sloshing around.

1 July
Sometimes I'm proud of just how gassy I can be.

4 July
Ugh. I've got the biggest Romulan ale hangover right now (Earthicans might call it a Mountain Dew Voltage hangover).

6 July
Why do I always feel so damn unsexy on Wednesdays? Is it because new comic books come out on Wednesdays?

8 July
So, checking this out and I guess the biggest difference between Google+ and Facebook is that chicks aren't allowed on Google+.

11 July
New discovery! Dipping Tim's salt and vinegar chips in Cafe Rio dressing! Amazing! Other news: I've just gone blind.

14 July
My iPad just told me it's too hot and needs to go inside. I guess I'm ready for children now.

21 July
Heading to midnight show of Captain America in a couple of hours. Will also be ironically wearing my Nazi uniform.

8 August
Finally have the six-pack I've always wanted! I just have to bend my stomach so I have six ab-flab chins!

10 August
This tweet is a cry for help. I've been extremely depressed lately and also one of my arms is caught in a bear trap.

17 August
Soooo hungry! But I have to save my money to purchase a unicycle tomorrow.

26 August
Village Inn has this thing where you pick four breakfast items for seven bucks. Thanks vi! You prevented my suicide today!

26 August
Also, Village Inn changed its name to vi. Do you pronounce that "vih" or "six"?

8 October
Is it just me or does Febreze just "moisten" the odor?

21 October
Off blondes again. Adding them to the list (which includes brunettes, redheads and "other").

22 October
I know I've said this before, but shouldn't "School's Out" by Alice Cooper be the absolute LAST song played at a college football game?

1 November
Cold now, so I purchased a vintage green army style jacket. Walked past a mirror and discovered to my horror that I've become Taxi Driver.

1 November
Just re-entered the 21st century as a woman by watching the first episode of Gilmore Girls.

6 November
I'm wearing my sexy favorite jeans right now. I feel like Robert Plant. I've never felt more masculine (or feminine).

18 November
Watching Burn Notice for the first time. Unique. I'd call its genre something like "noir jour."

18 November
The subtle humor of my last tweet depends on your knowledge of Burn Notice, international film history and the French language.

20 November
People who know me know my biggest fear is flash mobs. Now there's a Fox TV show devoted to the subject. The universe is conspiring...

5 December
I just experienced the first-time wonder of my inner 13-year-old girl. I was shaking a sealed container and my boobs started bouncing.

6 December
Am watching Gilmore Girls. DAMMIT!!! Why did I just announce that to the world... again?!

24 December
Watched the new Dragon Tattoo flick. Totally lost from the very start. NO ONE in the whole film explained why everyone was speaking English.

26 December
Finally saw the new "colorized" version of Footloose (by that I mean it's shot for shot same as original, but they added some black actors).

29 December
Will 2011 just END already?!?!

31 December
Reflections from this last year: disappointment, loneliness. Things to look forward to next year: disappointment, loneliness, apocalypse.

the 46 best movies of 2011!

2011-12-31T16:35:00.005-07:00

DISCLAIMER: Once again, I'm late posting this, but at least I started typing before the year ended, so this post should still "appear" as posted in 2011.

Notice from this year's ticket stub scan that it was a very fruitful year for filmgoing (+5 from last year!). This year I grouped it by stub for some interesting stats:

- 9 Sundance movies at the festival itself (one of which was a collection of shorts (which, for the most part, sucked))
- Only 1 movie at the dollar theater
- 10 movies at Broadway (not including the ones from Sundance or the X96 horror special)
- 14 movies at the Gateway (the most popular theater of 2011!)
- 8 movies at Century 16
- 1 movie at Union Heights
- (If all these movies don't add up, I did see several movies on DVD and streaming a few months after they came out)

The list:

46. Hobo with a Shotgun
I was so excited to see this movie, but it wound up being my least favorite experience in the theater all year. Subtlety in itself isn't important in making a movie, but subtlety is necessary when straddling the line between honoring a genre and ridiculing a genre. Ridicule, in itself, is loud and tedious. And the line I mentioned that this movie needed to straddle? It painted over that line with blood and skin and then exploded it.

45. The Hangover Part II
This was insultingly exactly like the first movie -- even taking into account how often that kind of thing happens in this day and age. It doesn't help that I'm one of the only people who thought the first movie kinda blew. Maybe people will come to their senses in hindsight with the release of this one.

44. to.get.her
This one's something I caught at Sundance about a bunch of girls getting killed. The previous sentence was sorta more exciting than the movie.

43. Bellflower
Another Sundance movie. Most people who saw it that I'm aware of (critics mostly) really loved it. Probably because it was a real big chance-taker as far as tonal changes go. Even though I really didn't like the movie, I want people to see it so people can convince me otherwise. SPOILER ALERT (sorta): The first half of the movie is a meet-cute romantic comedy and the second half of the movie is psychotic and violent. It was very memorable, but I felt the tonal shift wasn't earned and was pretty cheap.

42. Another Earth
Lots of people are understandably hesitant to check out independent movies for several reasons. They may be afraid the movie is pretentious or boring or something. Usually, they're not -- BUT every year I see one that absolutely justifies everybody's fears. This year I felt it was Another Earth. The idea of "show, don't tell" is a good one, to be sure; BUT when the emotion you're trying to tell is "mopey," PLEASE don't just show a girl actually silently moping for two hours. The side story concept of the movie is actually pretty cool (another mirror earth is heading toward ours, presumably with duplicates of ourselves that we may be able to converse with regarding our own strengths and frailties), but the movie reveals no deep insight and doesn't even ask any further questions than what exists in the trailer for the movie.

41. Tower Heist
I guess I couldn't see what was coming, but ONLY because the twists were very unnatural, and forced. Also, I COULD see the jokes coming.

40. Anonymous
I suppose it was way better than I thought it would be. This one didn't have a chance of winning me over because even before I went to see it I proclaimed that the identity of Shakespeare was vague enough for me that his identity didn't matter in the slightest. Certainly a rose by any other name, right? Still though, the movie was way more fun with the assumption it was just a period piece and not one sorta based on facts. SPOILER ALERT: incest.

39. Bobby Fischer vs. the World
It's a pretty good documentary, but the unanswered stuff was still unanswered. Bobby Fischer's most interesting years are lost to us because nobody was bothering to film him during his super crazy years.

38. Knuckle
A documentary on Irish Travelers settling their differences through punching each other. I sort of felt bad about watching it, considering its exploitation possibly contributed to more bare knuckle boxing -- also the footage wasn't ideal.

37. Unknown
Eric Snider summed it up best when he said it's a movie about a man named Martin Harris who "loses things." Jeff Bayer summed it up with an impersonation of Liam Neeson saying, "I'd like you to find someone... me!" January Jones is in this movie. She's a great example of why the sex robot industry will never actually catch on.

36. Troll Hunter
I love the documentary feel of this thing, but it strangely went on too long or something. Maybe, what if the Trolls were about 20 feet shorter I'd get involved in the world maybe? Oh well, whatever nobody saw this one anyway.

35. Take Me Home Tonight
If you see this one you may be very confused when Topher Grace and Teresa Palmer play a little game where they see who can yell an embarrassing word the loudest. Yes, the very same game played in (500) Days of Summer. I guess the reason for this is because Take Me Home Tonight has been shelved for several years. Now it comes out and its embarrassing scene is also embarrassing because it looks like it's very blatantly ripping off another film. Well that's sad. The movie isn't incredibly funny, but I did like it because it's about a guy who is insecure about what he wants to do with his life. In this particular case, they knew their audience.

34. Footloose
Exactly like the original only with a few black people and I won't fondly remember this 20 years from now like I did with the original. It's science. You can't beat the Bacon. Strangely, the punch dance sequence is replaced with a very non-dancy White Stripes song. Points for the White Stripes, as always.

33. Moneyball
Fascinating. Also interesting Jonah Hill work. Way to go dramatic, fat man. Too bad his character doesn't exist in real life.

32. Conan O'brien Can't Stop
Another documentary. Conan made fun of one of his backup singers and all I can think about is how awkward it is between them now that he made fun of her everyone behind her back.

31. Scream 4
I saw it mostly to see Alison Brie. I liked the end. I sorta saw it coming, but that's not the point. I like it less now that I've thought about it. Horror probably needs another injection of something original (like Scream did in 1996). This franchise is long gone though.

30. Jane Eyre
Aaaand Michael Fassbender makes his first appearance on the list! *platonicswoon* I liked the movie okay, but I was slightly disappointed. This is my first exposure to the Charlotte Bronte story and I was hoping for more horror or supernatural elements (which I had heard this particular version was going to emphasize (and it really didn't)).

29. Tabloid
Very weird documentary about the Mormon missionary who was kidnapped by an insane woman in England. Weird subject that may have crossed some weird LDS lines in its presentation. Still, I credit for layering a story of exploitation into a sort of exploitation itself.

28. Rise of the Planet of the Apes
This was very very good. People who saw it initially were really surprised at how good it was. People who saw it after the initial positive hype wore down were again surprised. I think I saw it in the middle when the energy died down, because I don't remember much of it. I'll have to see it again. There's no beating the films in the '60s and '70s, though. That goes without saying. It should anyway. Forget I said that, then.

27. 30 Minutes or Less
Very dark comedy. I like how the jokes work in life or death type situations.

26. Horrible Bosses
Very dark comedy. I like how the jokes work in life or death type situations.

25. Captain America
When I walked out of it I said I liked it more than Thor, but now that the year's over I'm finding myself change my mind. Still liked it though. The movie really made me appreciate the character and I've never cared about Cap before.

24. Tree of Life
It's only my 24th favorite movie of the year, but the movie really, truly is majestic. Honestly, it's also boring though. It faces the limitation of our automatic expectations of going to movies. We expect to come in, sit down, hear exposition through dialogue and action, build to a climax, get resolution and then view the credits. When a movie like Tree of Life comes into our lives, I think we automatically resist it. This movie just doesn't tell a story the way movies do. It tells it more like a painting does.

23. Like Crazy
I would have liked this movie more if it wasn't so depressing. I was expecting something more feel-good and I would say that's exactly what I needed going into the theater. Much better than the Drew Barrymore movie Going the Distance, which pretty much shares the same plot.

22. The Descendants
"Nothing just happens." "EVERYTHING just happens!" Usually tact and restraint aren't heralded as virtues, and maybe they aren't here, but I like where things went in this.

21. Young Adult
If you see this, tell me what you think of the very end. It bugged me at first, but I think I really like it now. The movie isn't as funny as I thought it would be (and isn't supposed to be), but it proved that Charlize Theron is built for humor (more than I would have thought).

20. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
May as well see the Swedish version. The American version is way more explicit in the really vile scenes that I thought for sure would be heavier in Europe. Also, I was lost the entire time because none of the characters elaborated on why they're all in Sweden yet constantly spoke English.

19. Crazy Stupid Love
One of my favorite scenes of the year (which I've elaborated on elsewhere) is the seduction scene between Gosling and Emma Stone (in which there's no sex, but liberating conversation).

18. The Adjustment Bureau
The moral seems to be to shun all the angels watching over us. Of course, "be the best YOU you can be" is good too (also good as the moral of an after school special). Still, see it with friends. It's always great to have a stimulating conversation on the true nature of free will.

17. Source Code
The guy who directed this also directed Moon (which is an awesome indie sci-fi movie from a few years ago) AND is the son of David Bowie! This movie was good.

16. Thor
Like Captain America, Thor is a Marvel Universe character that's always annoyed me. Really loved his character in the movie though. I liked the story arc. I mean the guy was a god and he really became a good character through passing through the valley (all by "descending" to Earth like some other God-man we know (Superman (okay, fine. E.T.))). Also, we must assume that the abs and pecs on Chris Hemsworth were CGI. Right?!?! Gotta be, RIGHT!?!?

15. The Devil's Double
This movie is about the true story of the guy who was the body double for Uday Hussein. It's as interesting as it sounds -- also with car chases and exotic middle eastern women.

14. Beginners
I really loved Ewan McGregor's character dealing with his dad's sudden gayness and cancerness. Christopher Plummer is always welcome. I did have a problem with the hot girl popping into his life so readily and willingly for no apparent reason. This trend happens more in independent movies than mainstream movies for some reason. Maybe it makes me pissed off that I consider myself an independent film goer, but I'm not part of the real-life scene where hot girls want to be with me from the moment they meet me. Still, though, the hot girl was played by Melanie Laurant who is on the short list for crush of the year (probably just beaten by Michael Fassbender).

13. Tucker and Dale vs. Evil
This movie is a bit cathartic for me since it consists entirely of douchebags getting violently killed (by their own idiocy).

12. The Trip
This one's different. Watch this clip: http://youtu.be/HFIQIpC5_wY
That's pretty much how the whole movie is.

11. Fast 5
Every movie in this franchise has sucked except for the first one, the third one, the fourth one and now the fifth one. The joy of these movies are in the irony only in concept (but not execution). Take the story's "easy" job for example. The characters need some quick cash so they can pull off their "big job" later in the movie. What's their easy job? It's robbing CARS from a MOVING TRAIN using a DUNE BUGGY in the five minutes before the train goes over a BRIDGE 500 FEET OVER A RIVER. Now THAT'S an exciting "easy job."

10. Insidious
There was good horror here lacking in Scream 4. Fun horror. Weird horror. Good times.

9. Super 8
Not perfect, but Abrams did an awesome job of sucking us in with the kids' characters before the imperfections were oh, so apparent (i.e. the alien thing (also the meaningless reconciliation of the two fathers)). Was your favorite scene of the year when Elle Fanning did her practice take? It was probably mine.

8. Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Brad Bird is a reality. Also, do sandstorms like that exist in Dubai? Because 1) it makes me grateful I only need to worry about snow and 2) if you're that rich, maybe you ought to live in a place where you don't walk outside and are blinded. Also, huge kudos to the franchise for abandoning the lame concept of just throwing a mask on Tom Cruise for everything. It's a cop out of a concept.

7. X-Men: First Class
Fassbender strikes again. I'm a huge huge X-Men fan and this may have strayed a little too far from X-canon (for those of you who don't know, Alex Summers (Havok) is Scott Summers' (Cyclops) YOUNGER BROTHER, not father -- that little detail will be hard to explain if they consider the future of the franchise). BUT the heart of this thing is the close relationship of two men with very different ideals and a pretty thrilling period piece of a swinging '60s storyline that ultimately separates them. This movie also has Sex Robot January Jones.

6. Midnight in Paris
This year's Woody achieved a better ranking than last year (You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger only hit 11 on last year's list), but I actually liked Midnight in Paris less than most other who saw it. As a pretty die-hard Woody Allen fan, I was very surprised that this on is his huge hit. His last big buzz was for Match Point and that one deserves a lot more credit than this one. Still, like I said, I'm a die hard, so even though I can say I was disappointed -- I still loved it. If you do like Midnight in Paris I would definitely suggest checking out The Purple Rose of Cairo. It's got a similar feel and story plus Woody Allen doesn't actually appear in it if that's what annoys you about most Woody Allen movies.

5. Bridesmaids
I already knew I loved Kristen Wiig, but my bit revelation with this movie was Melissa McCarthy. Feel free to check out her character's introductions when Kristen Wiig meets her and she responds with the story of falling off a cruise ship and "kinda pin-balled down hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit." The movie was probably mis-titled since it's really only one character's story and not an ensemble. Laughed though. Pretty hard.

4. Drive
Ahh. So cool. Have you seen it? If you have, picture the evolution of Carey Mulligan's character's state of mind from when she gets into the elevator to when she gets out of the elevator. She's going to the crazy house, right? That soundtrack is just so groovy. It's vintage '80s pastels in audio form, but here's the thing -- no irony. I'm really looking forward to the coming decade because I think we're finally starting to put the irony-laden '90s behind us. Oh! Also Albert Brooks is the scariest guy of the year -- and it's ALBERT BROOKS!

3. Silent House
Time for my Elizabeth Olsen double header. Okay, this may have been the scariest HORROR movie I saw all year. Yes, it did have a gimmick -- a 75 minute single take -- but the gimmick was beyond impressive and it only made the imagery scarier seeing it applied in real time with no cutaways.

2. Martha Marcy May Marlene
Okay, this may have been the scariest MOVIE I saw all year. It's not a horror, but the psychological manipulation worked for me. Once again, this has Sundance darling Elizabeth Olsen steering the ship sideways. I actually caught Silent House at Sundance, but not this one. They both played concurrently. Even though I think I liked Martha Marcy May Marlene more, I'm glad to have seen it later (because Silent House won't be released until later this year). Anyway, this sucker's weird and psychological and mind trippy and sort of incomplete (which helps in its illustration of confusion).

1. Hanna
People didn't like it as much as I did. I thought it was an exhilarating action movie. Okay, you know what? Obviously my favorite scene of the year was the long take of Eric Bana in the subway station. Chemical Brothers on the soundtrack for the ultimate win. The director, is Joe Wright, and I think he does stuff like Atonement and Pride and Prejudice. I think he injected quite a bit of character and class to the weird troubled kid action movie genre (that's a weird genre)

Here is a list of movie stubs of 2010 movies that I saw in 2011.

One was good and three were pretty good.

airing of grievances '11

2011-12-24T01:16:00.005-07:00

A picture of the preview screen on my camera (because I can't find my SD card reader and the camera dock connection only works half the time and it takes forever anyway) of holiday gifts underneath a Festivus pole can only mean one thing: it's time for this year's airing of grievances.

A camera that doesn't sync up to a computer with a standard USB attachment-
Hey! I can't find my SD card reader. It's the 21st century. Cameras and computers should be able to talk to each other all the time. It's not like we're putting pictures on paper anymore.

Low urinals-
Nobody's that short. Not even me. Not at my work anyway. If you're so short you can't reach the urinal, bring a booster stander. Can I aim that low? Yes. Does the angle and velocity cause a higher danger of gross splashback? YES. And there is the high urinal, but it's always taken and I feel really strange entering and then immediately exiting the bathroom when that's the case.

Popcorn-
After 100 years can't we get a different relatively cheap movie munchie? Popcorn butter makes me nauseated. Also, even if I just observe a friend eating popcorn, I get a kernel stuck in my teeth somehow.

Nauseous-
If you're nauseous, it means you cause nausea. Nobody uses this correctly, not even Lisa Simpson.

He and I-
When you say "he and I" or "she and I," are you ABSOLUTELY SURE you're using them as the subjects of the sentence? There's a very good chance you're supposed to be using different words.

Diet Coke-
Alright. I know half of us love it, but it's about time we said out loud that it's obviously far more addictive than normal Coke. Why is it so necessary for half of us to drink it non-stop when WATER tastes way better. As I'm typing this, I think there's a good chance I've aired my grievance on this already. Oh well. Here's the deal though, if you want something sweet, drink something sweet. Maybe THEN the craving will go away rather than ruling your life daily.

New Coke-
Where has it been?

RC Cola-
It's just Pepsi, right?

Ergonomics-
When are they going to make the computer station with the screen angled high and down and the keyboard close to the lap and heavily angled away? You know a work and viewing station based on SLOUCHING -- which is my natural formation.

Internet-
We've all got high speed internet, but it's way slower than it used to be because most of the processing of the internet is bells, whistles and flash. I would kill for a major website that's strictly text based. I don't care what it looks like. Put the links in the right order and easy to see and I'll collect the information just fine thanks.

DVR programming-
I can handle when a show starts a little early. I can handle when it ends late. How is it possible that The Simpsons does both? Don't make me miss things!

Potholes-
There's one here:
... and here:
I hit these holes EVERY DAY!

Gears of War 3 map download-
So I can play "Blood Drive" online, but when I try to play Horde or with bots or something, it doesn't show that I've downloaded it -- even though I can play the level when someone else hosts. Can somebody please explain this to me?

Photoshop-
It crashes when I update my OS. It doesn't let me upgrade to the pay version when the demo runs out. Adobe doesn't give it to me when they grift me into buying an upgrade I can't use. How about a suitable rip-off I can use for free (that's not gimpy)?

Gilmore girls-
Actually, the show's not half bad. I enjoy many of the wacky characters in Star's Hollow. The two worst ones, though, are the ones in the title. And what's up with capitalizing "Gilmore," but not "girls"? A step back for feminism, indeed.

Christmas on Sunday this year-
Hey, Christmas should be a religious holiday. We should go to church for three hours. But we should be able to go in our pajamas.

2011-
I could hardly think of any grievances this year. Is that a good thing? Does that mean I'm not bugged by stuff anymore? ...

2011 was lame.

The Airing of Grievances is an annual tradition. If you achieved some level of catharsis by reading this, perhaps you should check out past years. Many of them are much better than this one. In fact...

Airing of Grievances '11-
This was the lamest one ever.

take! take! take!

2011-12-21T21:56:00.012-07:00

Alright, your Christmas gift is listed below! Just pick a number between 1 and 34 and I'll reserve that gift for you. No hints as to what's underneath my extraordinary wrapping (although, you should be able to figure out quite a few (I mean, look at #5 for cryin' out loud)). Go ahead and give me your number in the comments for this blog post. If you can come pick up your gift -- AWESOME. If not, I'd be happy to deliver if you're in driving distance (probably on Dec. 24th).

Don't feel bad for picking a number, I gotta get rid of all of these. I WANT you to have your gift.

(UPDATE: 1, 2 , 4, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12, 13, 16, 17, 19, 21, 22 and 31 are no longer available)

Here we go:

(15 and 16 are not pictured)

(It's nothing major (like they're too large to get pictured or something))

(They just haven't arrived in the mail yet)

what i want for christmas

2011-12-21T01:37:00.002-07:00

Usually I make a video to say what I want for Christmas (or do I only do that for my birthday? I'll have to consult my rulebook), but things have been busy and I can't even think of what I want anyway (even though I've been buying myself stuff as if the world was ending next year). Also, I've been feeling balder than usual, so I didn't want to commit to the visual experience. Lets start the list! And speaking of...

1. Rogaine -- I'm not vain, but I miss some of my hair. I'm willing to try this out and see what happens (or secretly put it on other peoples' arms over the course of several months and see what happens).

2. Typing Arm Brace -- The one I have is the free one from the Instacare that sent in a doctor who specialized in telling me they're not covering my treatment anymore. Man, she bugged me. Plus, the velcro isn't working very well on the brace anymore. ALSO -- get me one of those annoying keyboards that is all trianguly so it's better form for your typing arms.

3. An Xbox HDMI cable -- I'm not a stickler for quality video, but with an HDMI cable I can have the Wii and the Xbox plugged in at the same time and then switch back and forth between the Netflix shows running on both.

4. Forever Lazy -- Tell me you've seen these. http://www.orderforeverlazy.com -- You're laughing now. You think it's a joke, but I'm all on board. This is one (VERY comfortable) step toward the futuristic sci-fi utopia of all of us wearing the same jumpsuit.

5. Calendars -- I'd like five or six 2012 calendars. Something with a very nichey theme. Also -- and so many calendars make this mistake -- the picture shouldn't be the same tired sub-theme every month. Every month's picture must stand on its own and apart from all the other months. I used to have this awesome Wolverine calendar and each month's image was worth keeping and very different from all the other months. Speaking of...

6. X-Men: First Class on DVD -- This wasn't my favorite movie of the year, but it's the one I'd own because I'm sort of more into X-Men than a lot of other things. I'm also very comfortable with this year's crush on Michael Fassbender.

7. Food

8. Stuff that's appeared on last year's list and also my recent birthday list (minus the Star Trek book, because I have received that already)

Sorry. I couldn't think of that much more stuff off the top of my head. I've discovered in my Christmas shopping this year, that it's a lot easier to grab a bunch of worthless junk for other people than to think of the junk you want for yourself.

Speaking of... tune into this blog tomorrow, because I will give you instructions on receiving your gift from me. YOU WILL NOT WANT TO MISS IT. Supplies are limited so get your Christmas gift picks in NOW (well, tomorrow anyway).

why i haven't been blogging

2011-12-21T01:34:00.002-07:00

Because I haven't read yours yet... and that intimidates me.

day of the dead and bloated iii

2011-11-01T15:00:00.003-06:00

Halloween is over -- which is pretty much like the end of summer for me. Now we only have the cold, dismal drag that is the "holiday season" to look forward to.

This year I went as Hitler on laundry day -- well, technically I went as "German army officer," which is what the package said, but I've never actually seen a depiction of ANY German having the Chaplain mustache EXCEPT Hitler. I guess writing "Hitler" on the outside of a $1.95 mustache package would cause the apocalypse.

My costume kept falling off (once into my root beer).

Didn't do a movie this year for the first time in three years. I'm plenty tuckered out and out of ideas.

Movies I watched and appreciated this year were The Serpent and the Rainbow, Suspiria, An American Werewolf in London, Insidious and The Fly. I'm not talking about the old Fly, which I've never seen (but DO know that the transformation scene where he sees the chick screaming through his compound eyes is absolutely brilliant). Well, The Fly I'm talking about is sorta old. It's from 1986 (a quick check of iMDb reveals that the original version of The Fly came out in 1958 (which means it was 28 years between that version and the one I'm talking about (and 25 years from the one I'm talking about to today (!)))). Anyway -- it's creepy and gross. Mission accomplished. I think it's about the horror of the creation of new life -- or an allegory for the horror of having children. Most horror movies are a horror allegory of romantic love (or sex), but the horror of new life in the world is even scarier (and a lot more pus-laden apparently). Anyway -- check it out on your Netflix streaming.

Anyway, on to the point. I didn't get half of my Halloween stuff done, but J.R. and I finally completed this year's Halloween CD. Playlist please!

1. "Do They Know It's Hallowe'en?" by NAHPI (North American Hallowe'en Prevention Inc.)
2. "A Song From Under the Floorboards" by Magazine
3. "The Cat With Two Heads" by The Aquabats
4. "Jack the Ripper" by Morrissey
5. "She's in Parties" by Bauhaus
6. "Little Sister" by Queens of the Stone Age
7. "You Make Me Feel So Young" by JonDis (a Jon Madsen original interpretation)
8. "Shankill Butchers" by The Decemberists
9. "Night Time Demons" by Arrested Development
10. "One of These Days" by Pink Floyd
11. "Dead and Bloated" by Stone Temple Pilots
12. "Rawhead and Bloodybones" by Siouxsie & the Banshees
13. "The Widow" by The Mars Volta
14. "Stolen Roses" by Karen Elson
15. "The Ghost of You Lingers" by Spoon
16. "I Can't Smile" by Bruce Lee Roy (a J.R. Fillmore original interpretation)
17. "I Believe It's Magic" by Mick Smiley
18. "In the Year 2525" by Visage

Notice that this is my third blog post titled "day of the dead and bloated" (you probably didn't notice), but it's the first time that "Dead and Bloated" actually made the Halloween CD. Today, November 1st being The Day of the Dead and then the title of the STP song... yeah. Just a little Jon's Blog trivia for ya.

If you'd like any of these Halloween tracks, I'll email them to you. As an added bonus, each track is mixed in with bonus audio from either last year's Community Halloween special (where Greendale Campus is overrun by zombies) or the episode of Star Trek called "Catspaw" (which is pretty much the original Star Trek Halloween special from the '60s). They're mixed quite well if I do say so myself.

Magazine, Bauhaus, Siouxsie & the Banshees, Mick Smiley and Visage are pretty sweet '80s acts. The Visage song, in particular, is a cover of an old '60s song (which is very prominent in the movie Gentlemen Broncos if you ever saw that). The Mick Smiley song we used is a remix known only during a pivotal apocalyptic scene in a certain movie about guys who bust ghosts.

Pink Floyd, of course, is very '70s -- although "One of These Days" sounds more modern than when it was released (1971 -- surprisingly before Dark Side of the Moon).

The Aquabats, Morrissey, Arrested Development and Stone Temple Pilots are, of course, stuff we listened to in the dark days of the '90s.

Queens of the Stone Age, The Decemberists, The Mars Volta, Karen Elson and Spoon are, more or less, contemporary (the Karen Elson CD is so brilliant by the way). The North American Hallowe'en Prevention Inc. was, I guess, some sort of "Band-aid"-like charity group featuring such celebrities as Beck, Feist, Arcade Fire, Devendra Banhart, Elvira, David Cross, Rilo Kiley, Wolf Parade & Thurston Moore.

J.R. and I hilariously composed a couple of spoken word versions of "happy" songs and sort of Halloweenized them. I don't have mine uploaded anywhere, but I'll post it later. Like the others, I can email it to you if you want.

Of course Halloween is over (sigh). Perhaps you can get started on next year.

whoops. where am i?

2011-09-14T01:50:00.002-06:00

I feel guilty when I don't blog for over a month.

I recently purged myself of a lot by starting another blog that I actually invited people not to read. Unfortunately, I think it took away from my flagship (wow, it's sad that at this point in my life my "flagship" is something called "jon's blog").

Anyway, here's my last post from angeR sidewayS. It's what I would have written here, if I wasn't now in the habit of writing on my non-ready blog. Read it if you sort of enjoy 80s music.

500 down. now -- the repeats.

2011-08-08T12:50:00.002-06:00

Happy birthday Rhett. I'm linking to probably my favorite thing I've written:

http://jonmadsen.blogspot.com/2006/08/rhettacular-rhettacular.html

post 500!

2011-08-05T11:37:00.002-06:00

I posted this on Facebook already, so you've likely seen it. The idea to make a music video for "88 Lines About 44 Women" has been in my head for several years. Everybody loves grabbing cute girls and getting that cute self-shot with the camera. I've always known I'd do something with all those.

My other title for this movie would be "Jon's Hair Loss: A Chronological study from 1995-2011."

I am a bit concerned that the video may portray that there were 44 girls in my life and each one is remembered by a few seconds. This of course isn't true. There have been far more than 44 women in my life and they all deserve more than that. Some far far more than others. Actually, though, there are a few girls in the video whose names I don't know (see if you can find the girl on the Russian national curling team). They were just at the right (wrong) place at the right (wrong) time.

post 499

2011-08-02T01:00:00.003-06:00

I've gotten some good fortune cookie fortunes lately.
Hey, that's flattering. Of course "could" is quite a conditional.
Hmm. Someone pointed out that apparently fortune cookies don't believe music is art. They may be myopic in their definitions, but at least they are pretty inclusive in the end. Plus, this is proof in writing that I'm totally deep.
I try a new look every day! More and more of my hair is falling out.
The truest of all. Especially considering how most of my actions are in direct response to the ideals of the Enlightenment period of the late 18th century. It's all intuition over rationalism baby (even though my intuition is inevitably always wrong). Also, I brood a lot.

Here's something else hilarious. I actually accrued 3o bucks in fees at the city library. I bet that makes me look smart! Well, on second thought it makes me look like an illiterate fool who either takes months at a time to read a novel or someone who doesn't know the renewal process. To make myself even more foolish, here's the list of items the library charged me for:

Cult science fiction films : from the amazing colossal man to Yog--the monster fro $2.00
The nitpicker's guide for Next generation trekkers / Phil Farrand. $0.20
1000 record covers / Michael Ochs. $0.20
Peanuts treasury / by Charles M. Schulz ; foreword by Johnny Hart. $0.20
Cult science fiction films : from the amazing colossal man to Yog--the monster fro $1.40
Star trek memories / William Shatner with Chris Kreski. $1.40
Spock's world / by Diane Duane. $1.40
Happier : learn the secrets to daily joy and lasting fulfillment / Tal Ben-Shahar. $2.40
Spock's world / by Diane Duane. $1.60
The amazing adventures of the escapist. volume 2. $0.20
Excalibur classic / writer, Chris Claremont ; artists, Alan Davis ... [et al.]. Vo $0.20
Excalibur : the sword is drawn / writer, Chris Claremont ; Alan Davis ...[et al.] $0.20
Ender's game. Battle school / Orson Scott Card, creative director & executive dir $0.20
Wolverine : Old Man Logan / Mark Millar, writer ; Steve McNiven, penciler ; Dexter $0.20
Y : the last man / Brian K. Vaughan, writer ; Pia Guerra, penciller ; José Ma $0.20
Star trek, Deep Space Nine. Season 1 [videorecording] / Paramount Pictures. $1.00
How to write science fiction and fantasy / Orson Scott Card. $1.20
Ender's game. Battle school / Orson Scott Card, creative director & executive dir $0.60
Y : the last man. Book two / Brian K. Vaughan, writer ; Pia Guerra, Goran Parlov, $2.40
Y : the last man. Book two / Brian K. Vaughan, writer ; Pia Guerra, Goran Parlov, $0.20
Y : the last man. Book two / Brian K. Vaughan, writer ; Pia Guerra, Goran Parlov, $0.20
The West Wing. The complete seventh season [videorecording] / John Wells Productio $2.00
Casino royale : a James Bond novel / by Ian Fleming. $2.60
A James Bond omnibus / Ian Fleming. $2.60
A James Bond omnibus / Ian Fleming. $2.80
Casino royale : a James Bond novel / by Ian Fleming. $2.80
TOTAL FINES : $30.40
Service Charge : $0.00
TOTAL: $30.40

I bet you're gonna ask me if Casino Royale is any good. I read two pages. Y: the last man is brilliant though (even if its portrayal of women is pretty far off in my opinion).

In an unrelated and actually pretty uninteresting note, I've started a new blog. I'm still maintaining this one, so if you're reading this you don't have to change anything on your Google Reader.

The new blog is because I've been feeling that I've never really been very honest or expressive. I think I tend to be very reserved for the most part. I also want to write more, but don't want to waste any words on this blog experimenting -- which is really what this new one is. I'm planning on writing every day. And it'll pretty much just be what's on my mind while I'm typing. So... in essence it's sort of exactly like all the blogs I hate reading. Anyway, if you'd like to check it out it's here:

http://angersideways.blogspot.com/

25 days left

2011-07-27T00:51:00.003-06:00

I broke down and downloaded a trial version of Photoshop Elements. I have 25 days until I have to pay for it.

I've purchased it before, but for some reason my computer won't give me permission to install it from its original disc. The new version I've downloaded should be much better, but so far it's not nearly as intuitive (of course I've been using the older version for like a decade, so maybe what I consider "intuitive" is just years of practice).

Anyway, until now, I've been Photoshopless for like six months (perhaps you've noticed there haven't been as many obviously photoshopped pictures lately). In 25 days, this trial version of Photoshop will stop working unless I pay for it again. So for the next 25 days I'll have to get all the Photoshopping out of my system for the rest of my life I suppose (or until I give in and pay again). If you would like something Photoshopped by an enthusiastic amateur, lemme know.

Here's an oooooold photo I just touched up back from my days on the pro wrestling circuit:

Yeah, notice how I made my buddy's eyes like Terminator's? Awesome.

ALSO, most of you know that my old squeeze M**** is back in town. Apparently, she's going to become a lawyer and as part of this new spirit of professionalism her online presence needs to be nothing but that. Professional. Since so much of her former life involved me and so much of my online life strives to be the opposite of professional -- I need to scour her name from the internet wherever I can.

If you see the name M**** M****** anywhere on this blog, somewhere in my movie commentary podcast, my Star Trek podcast, my Forgotten Realms blog, my Jon Demand video blog, Robot Rex audio journal, Twitter, Facebook or anything else online that I have control of -- please let me know.

Remember, it's far easier to be a trusted and respectable member of society when your persona is hidden from society.

senility

2011-07-18T16:55:00.002-06:00

There are just a couple of things I forgot to mention last time.

One: combined with my diet tonic seizure and mammary-inducing half and half intake, I was also pretty decently buzzed by Laura's drunken watermelon.

Two: I'm in the middle of a seven-day weekend. Doesn't that sound great? The only catch is that I have to work three of those seven days. Off Thursday, on Friday, off Saturday, on Sunday, off Monday, on Tuesday, off Wednesday. Best or worst schedule ever? What do you think?

14j2011 post-op

2011-07-16T16:41:00.005-06:00

Well, the turnout for this year's July 14th party was quite disappointing. I'm guessing it was a weird time -- a busy weekday on the cusp of a busy weekend. I refuse to believe that everyone has lost believe in making the holiday truly happen.

I'm not complaining either. I was able to win the trophy for the first time this year. I got it by almost being the only one to do the slip n' slide and by buying the trophy and then not actually disqualifying myself from being in the running. I also drank a cup of diet tonic water (which gave me a seizure) and three cups of half and half (which made my boobs totally bigger).

We invented a new game this year. It involves fireworks. We had another game made up, but apparently California candles aren't much like Roman candles. Check out the game below:

The idea for the game I wanted to do would be sort of a Harry Potter homage (I guess that's a thing that came out this weekend) using Roman candles to "avada kedavra" the helium balloons as they float away. The name of the game would be "Gang of Terrorists Shooting Guns in the Air, But This Time They're Actually Aiming at Stuff."

july 14th 2011

2011-07-13T00:39:00.003-06:00

Some of you may not be aware because you don't keep close tabs on me on Facebook, but the big July 14th celebration is on and it's Thursday (which happens to be July 14th). Please come!

Here is the information you need.

Come to my house anytime between 3 and 10. I recommend early so you can get some good slip 'n slide in.

Just so you're aware, there will be some sort of trophy for whoever upholds the spirit of the 14th the best. You will earn points by slip 'n slide style points, good food that you bring, winning some of the games and of course tonic water consumption (diet tonic water this year).

There also may be some kind of game out of aerial fireworking.

Some of you may not be able to attend this year. If you'd like to attend remotely, I will either set up a Skype cam, a justin.tv cam or a Google+ "hang out." I'm actually leaning toward the justin.tv because you don't need to be a member of Skype or Google+ to see it and you can still chat along.

My justin.tv page is:

http://www.justin.tv/jrwatchesstartrek

Yes, that's the justin.tv page for when I do the Star Trek podcast. Don't worry about the title. The video should still work. Between now and Thursday, if you'd like, please give me your Skype name and/or befriend me on Google+.

This post sounds boring. The 14th of July won't be. Not because I guarantee you'll have a good time, but because every time we do this everybody comes with a good attitude and ready for some wicked summer leisure.

Oh! I think I'll also strike up the 'ol deep fryer. That'll be sweet.

indefreeberty

2011-07-04T09:00:00.001-06:00

Link.

the sixth day

2011-06-28T20:25:00.002-06:00

I'm Going Slightly Mad.

But it's mostly just in my head.

Presently I'm on the sixth day of an eight-day work week. Through some glitch in scheduling I work from Thursday the 23rd to Thursday the 30th with no days off inbetween. I'm terribly exhausted (which is unusual because my job description is as follows: sit in a chair). I'm probably just exhausted because my consciousness dove Headlong into dwelling on the eight day work week. It's the silly novelty of it all.

Today, though, I realized something. It's nothing physical or even mental. I Don't Try So Hard. While I sit in a chair, I take demands. I'm enslaved. In small doses, it's a great thing. I think it's human nature to want to serve (even in a perverse way, a sort of masochism) -- but after so many days of nobody fulfilling my demands, it just backs up (there's a need to expel my sadism, in other words).

All God's People are not the same. I would venture that 10% of them probably need to be put down -- and I don't mean merely insulting them. These aren't the people who ought to be insulting me -- even if I deserve it. This is how people Ride the Wild Wind -- go postal in other words.

Anyway, against all logic, on this sixth day I've gone completely jittery. I may have lost weight today just from restless leg syndrome. We're trained to make it through five days. Exactly. From a very very early age we're shipped off to public school and our minds are conditioned exactly to the amount of labor that occurs during the week. Give for five days, take for two. These Are the Days of Our Lives. From today on, I don't need some debutante named Bijou telling me how entitled she is. Now it's my turn.

It's time to take. Give to me. You can Delilah me, and take later if you need to. I'll be more than willing for masochism in the future. Presently, the giving... I Can't Live With You. In the meantime, get creative and I'll appreciate it.

The Show Must Go On.

(Btw, if you read this all the way to the end, you may notice certain weirdness in the writing. There's a hidden theme in this blog post. If you figure it out, tell me. I'll be tickled pink. In fact I'll be willing to give to you -- even in my incredible present selfish state. I would LOVE to give to you. You'd be my queen.)

xkcd tribute

2011-06-08T19:50:00.007-06:00

Lately I've been staving off insanity by living off of xkcd. The strip has a lot of math in it, but my favorites are the romance-oriented ones. The following popped into my head in xkcd style (most likely because there's probably a very similar strip that's now in my subconscious).

Good times.

I stole the chair from Randall himself. Also, there's a line directly lifted from Cameron Crowe. Full disclosure.

I did a bunch of this on my iPad in the park today. Download "Brushes" from your local App Store. It's a great one (it works for lots more than stick figures).

has anyone ever been to the panda inn?

2011-06-07T11:57:00.001-06:00

If you know me well, this will be the third time you've seen this today. I apologize.

perchance to go insane

2011-05-27T01:41:00.004-06:00

Once a month I have a very intense night of constant dreaming.

Sometimes it comes with a sort of fever. It came that way last night. I had to take my socks off and usually I wear socks to bed (with a hoodie and everything -- I really bundle up). Anyway, last night: no socks, no hoodie. Hot. Weird.

I wonder if I don't get proper REM sleep. I also wonder if that Next Generation episode is accurate where they go to a part of space that turns off their REM and so they start hallucinating.

I was dreaming constantly, but the only dream I remember is how I was in high school, and I had to drive my friend and her friend there too. My friend was someone I know now in real life (but not in high school). The car in my dream was a dream car (as in a car in my dream, not necessarily a real boss car (it was like a gold '97 Accord)), BUT the car keys in my dream was the set I have in real life. I was super confused in my dream because I couldn't figure out which key started the thing. None of them worked. They were "reality keys."

I remember when I flirted with being a psych major we went over dreams a little. There were tons of theories, but the one with the shortest explanation was the only one that made sense to me. When we dream, our brains test out certain neurons by firing randomly. Dreams are our brains attempting to make sense of the random neurons going on and off.

The weird thing is, they can't be completely random. For some reason, I have a constant recurring dream theme of not showing up for high school classes. It's a steady nightmare. But I never worried about it when I was actually in high school.

I had to adjust after seven hours of steady dreaming. For my first three hours of actual consciousness today it felt less real than trying to drive two people to high school in a car I've never been in, from what looked like my first flat in New Zealand -- and at 11:00 pm now that I think about it. I had to force my way back into reality. Never much had a grasp in the first place, I suppose.

Anyway, I just got back from seeing The Hangover Part II. Check my Twitter account for what I thought of it.

talk about pop music (new york london paris munich)

2011-05-25T00:06:00.004-06:00

My parents took me to dinner a few hours ago. I was super surprised when my mom said she was happy that I wasn't at the U2 show. It's weird that my mother would be aware of anything of the sort. I said I guess it would've been neat to go, but I didn't realize it was that night, I hadn't planned for it and I'd already seen them live so I didn't need to see them again. Of course, when I did see them, my seat was behind the stage and above the sound system -- so I was pretty much watching the audience watch the show. I still debate with myself about whether or not I've actually seen U2 live based on that experience.

Mom told me she was hoping I'd have grown out of such things by now. Mom's a far classier lady than I am. She never got into the pop scene -- even as a young cougarette. She never outgrew classical music and I let her know I could be just as stubborn.

On the way home from dinner I participated in one of my new favorite past-times -- driving by outdoor concerts to hear what song is playing. When I drove by Rice-Eccles stadium the sound was pretty crystal. They played "All I Want Is You" and "Stay (Faraway, So Close!)" (which pretty much made it a better show already than the last time I saw them).

I'm not a super huge U2 fan. I think most of my joy during my drive by comes from the nostalgia of my teenage years where U2 was playing whether I wanted them to or not. We all hated being teenagers, but there was something about back then that makes us remember it fondly when we're exposed to the same stimuli.

I'll never outgrow my love of pop music. It's impossible. It was too formative. Please don't worry, though Mom. There's plenty of room to love everything else too.

I listened to the radio on the way home and car-danced to every single song. Thankfully Movin' 100.7 is back on my presets. And thankfully (wonderfully) "Borderline" by Madonna played.

Wow. Great song. Sorta terrible video. Whatev.

You know what? As long as we're on the subject, watch the first minute of this video:

i'm a man of flesh and bone. rapture rushing through my veins.

2011-05-19T21:29:00.004-06:00

If you haven't heard, the Rapture is this Saturday.

I must admit there is about a 70% chance it won't happen this Saturday. Still, you know how it's said that "no man knoweth" when the end will be? So how unexpected would it be if the end of the world came on the exact day that some random minister says it will?

Anyway, it's been nice everyone. If I don't see you again, I just want you to know that (in the words of Lou Reed): "Life's good, but not fair at all."

I have no regrets. Wait, scratch that. 90% of all decisions I've ever made have been wrong. See the following XKCD chart:

I really don't know how the guy got my exact count for his comic.

bmi/tmi

2011-05-19T01:44:00.003-06:00

Recently I realized something.

In order to combat this (and in a feverish panic) I went out and bought Wii Fit with one of those balance boards. I'm amazed at how personable the game is. It's like a new friend that wants to be of sincere service to me (and then insults me).

Apparently I'm "normal." I'm even slightly "younger" than my actual self physically. Here are the results of my first Wii Fit check up.

I've always considered myself more skinny than normal. According to the scale, it looks like I'm on the fat side of normal.

I rocked it out on all the games and also did a bit of yoga. I'm hoping I'll do enough yoga that eventually I won't need the game anymore to do the yoga and then get flexible and digest my food better and also achieve a sort of new age enlightenment.

At the end of the day, I burned 47 calories.

According to the calorie chart, that's a kiwi. I'm guessing a kiwi has about the same amount of calories as a cylinder of Pringles and a tub of clam dip, because that's exactly what I ate after I finished my first Wii Fit workout.

... Alright that should be the end of my blog post, but I didn't post it in time. Since I've done my first workout, I've also done my second. It just happened to fall on the day where I beat my own record of platefuls of food at Charlie Chow's (three!). That's when the real hilarity starts.

I got home and got on the Wii balance board... and then Wii Fit started scolding me.

At this point it actually asked me: "What do you feel is the cause of your weight gain?" Pretty rude. It only let me answer with one question, although I think I could have truthfully given every answer available.

I was so proud of myself on the first day, but when I took the physical tests the second time here was the result:

Yes, that's right. Now I'm physically five years older than I am chronologically... and chronologically I'm several years older than I ever thought I'd ever be.

Eventually, the Wii Fit just started using cruel psychology.

This is strange because I think I just finished eating 2.2 pounds of rice.

I've always heard that you're not supposed to eat after 9:00 p.m. I never really believed it, though. Now one of my friends is officially telling me through computerized television, so now I sorta do believe it.

I guess it's only gonna get harder. I didn't quite beat the caloric intake of the super fatty kiwi fruit this time.

I forgot to mention in my country music post that one time I got so depressed that I went to the store and heard a country music song on the radio there and actually enjoyed it. That applies again.

midweek mojo rejuvination

2011-05-11T00:45:00.002-06:00

Got a haircut again.

That's good for everyone else, but not as good for me. I sure look better with short hair, but I don't feel like myself and I don't have anything to twirl when I'm bored.

That, and other things have removed my mojo. Somehow I need to feel more attractive (besides just looking incredibly attractive).

Right now my best short term solution is listening to good strutting music. The best I can come across is the album Brothers by The Black Keys. Try it out. While it's playing, you'll just feel cooler. That's a promise (the whole album's great, but specifically the song "Ten Cent Pistol").

Also... I'm in the middle of writing a short screenplay about a hitchhiker who tries to rob the people he's getting a ride from -- but then the people he's getting a ride from are trying to rob him at the same time. In order for the story to work, I need the characters to have reasons to want to take the car in two different directions. I also need something the hitchhiker needs from the passengers that relates to a bigger score. Also, the passengers need something specific from the hitchhiker. If you have any ideas, please shoot them to me. There's a story there. It exists, I just have to find it. I need some help looking.

poor me. poor me. pour me another drink.

2011-05-04T16:27:00.004-06:00

Here's something I audibly tweeted in the summer of of '91 (because Twitter didn't exist yet): "I can't wait until six months from now when this country music fad will go away."

Over the course of the next couple of decades, I watched helpless as the popularity of country music just kinda hung around. Lately I've been thinking of throwing in the towel and liking country music.

I insist on only liking OLDSCHOOL country music though. Say what you will about emotion in today's songs, but that old country stuff is freakin' for real as it gets. This guy calls into work sometimes looking for country music CDs to buy and he turned me on to this old country chick named Dottie West. When I did research on some of her songs I nearly cried for multiple reasons.

Look at the track listing to her double album cd called A Legend In My Time/Sound Of Country Music. I'm ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS when I say these are real titles of real songs:

(I'd Be) A Legend in My Own Time
Don't You Ever Get Tired (Of Hurting Me)
Funny, Familiar, Forgotten Feelings
There Goes My Everything
Gettin' Married Has Made Us Strangers
No Sign of Living
Happiness Lives Next Door
Lonely Again
You're the Only World I Know
You Ain't Woman Enough
Together Again
Pick Me Up on Your Way Down
Someone Before Me
I Don't Hurt Anymore
Heartaches by the Number
City Lights
Slowly
Crazy Arms
I Miss You Already (And You're Not Even Gone)

How can you look at this list and not say these are the most hilarious song titles that have ever existed? I'm not making fun. If these songs are half as good as their titles, it's a steal. I'm probably buying this cd.

Here's another SNL gem from Netflix streaming that highlights my other favorite thing about oldschool country music -- the alcoholism.

http://movies.netflix.com/WiPlayer?movieid=70178605&trkid=3325853

Start watching at 6:08. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

"Prison bars don't serve liquor, and it's always closing time... in jail."

friday afternoon viewing of saturday night

2011-04-29T12:27:00.003-06:00

Most people have Netflix these days. That is good.

Recently I noticed that Netflix is now streaming EVERY episode of Saturday Night live. Well, maybe not the current season. The important thing is that there are sketches that I haven't seen in (seriously) 30 years (yeah, some of my earliest memories are watching SNL with the fam).

I just dug up a couple of my favorites that have been on my mind for like 20 years.

This first one is about a new high school trying to decide on a mascot.

It's 1987, Season 13, Episode 3. Try this link and then it starts at 24:31.

Here's one from when Alec Baldwin first hosted the show. This is my favorite Alec Baldwin.

1989, Season 15, Episode 18. Link. Starts at 22:12

"I can handle a menu!"

betazed blues + sam puckett soul

2011-04-27T00:12:00.005-06:00

If you know me well at all, you know I'm a huge fan of the Nickelodeon television show iCarly.

On a recent episode, one of the kids developed an interesting iPhone app (actually in the show it's a Pear Phone (apples are pears in that universe)) that would take a picture of someone's face and then through math and science would measure the facial features and reveal that person's precise mood. In the episode, the dangerous side effect of doing this was revealed when one character's mood was measured as "in love." Then, wackiness!

Would such an application be a good thing?

It very well might, but I would fight against it. I would hate the forced vulnerability.

Next step. What if the application revealed who we were in love with? Good?

I would vote horrifying. You may agree with me once everything's in the open. I think most people's hopes would be dashed. The people we're in love with would be in love with the people we're in hate with or they'd just be thinking about food. We'd realize the people in love with us are people too nice for our depravity and/or have lame taste in music. We'd be pushed away from love right from the start because we'd have no hope. We wouldn't be deluded enough to think we had the chance with that certain someone -- and therefore we wouldn't get around to deceiving them into liking us.

We're not getting together though. Surely if everyone said who they were in love with all the time, two like-minded people would agree and immediately get together and live happily ever after.

Or would the TOTAL openness dissolve the romance? If you think about it, most of what makes courtship exciting is what's not said. It's intimacies that have potential to be revealed over a steady period of time. Perhaps if we simply said to one another "I don't mind mixing my genetic material with yours" we actually wouldn't mix our genetic material.

Have you ever wondered what it's like living on the USS Enterprise 1701-D? Deanna Troi lives on that ship. She can read your mind. She comes from a planet where everybody reads each others' minds all the time. Everyone knows who's in love with everybody else. There wouldn't be room for any games. A paradise or a prison? According to Deanna, the open book lifestyle is a wonderful way to live. That's easy for her to say. She's the hottest chick on the ship. We don't see what life's like for the ugliest empath on Betazed. For Deanna it's constant validation that she's the hottest girl around. Her mind either receives that or disgusting, sexist harassment (which would still actually be validation if you ask me).

Anyway, this is reason 524 why I flog love out of my system.

Listen to this song. It's my favorite at the moment.

the parentland a-calling

2011-04-20T14:42:00.004-06:00

This news isn't as exciting as I thought it would be because the exclusivity has worn off.

Earlier this week, Overstock.com announced its vacations program to the public, which previously was only available to Overstock.com employees. I don't even know if the deals are good, but one in particular caught my attention.

Recently I learned that my heritage is not nearly as Danish as I thought. Just about all of me originates from the British Isles (although I maintain that I'm quarter Mexican because my grandmother was born there (to white Mormon colony settlers no less (I don't think she actually ever knew Spanish))).

Perhaps as a result of this, I've had an insatiable calling toward going back to the Motherland -- or is it Fatherland? I'm not sure because I'm pretty sure Germany is the Fatherland, but yet Russia is the Motherland. They never taught us country gender identification in school.

This may also explain why my Netflix queue has suddenly swelled with British "programmes." The IT Crowd, Fawlty Towers, Skins, etc. I've even gotten pretty addicted to Downton Abbey. Have you ever heard of this show? It's ridiculous. So British. It's a show that takes place in a mansion in like 1912 and there's all the manners and protocol with the ruling family and then there's the intrigue and humanity seen behind the scenes with the large assortment of servants. Class system on display! There are remnants of the Victorian age, but also the dread of progress throwing a spanner into everything. I laughed out loud when I read that the keywords Netflix actually uses when describing this show are actually "cerebral" and "understated." I finally realize that wearing my emotions in an "understated" way may be based on my British heritage (it's certainly explained my method of NEVER telling someone how I feel about them). It's dreamily, delightfully British. It's so British that I'm sure several people in England tuned in and after five minutes actually said: "Blimey! This is too British for me!"

I may be the only person I know who feels that the revolution thing that happened in the 1770s wasn't really that great of an idea.

Anyway, the really staggering thing is that even though I watch lots of British TV shows and strictly listen to British music and also enjoy tailored white wigs, I've strangely never ever been to the United Kingdom. I have the option of five nights there for about 200 bucks in August. No doubt, my agoraphobia will kick in and I'll chicken out (or realize I'm out of money again). If you'd like to convince me to go -- go ahead. Also if you'd like to come along -- convince me of that too. It may be fun although you may not want to do the same things I do (hanging out at Basildon looking for fixtures from Depeche Mode music videos or trekking all the way up to Manchester to sneak into Factory Records). At least the shopping will be good.

2011-03-22T23:27:00.003-06:00

....................................................

I'm getting fat.

:(

yay me (2011)!

2011-02-24T01:18:00.002-07:00

If you didn't bother watching the above video, here's the gist of it. My birthday is this Sunday and it's also the Oscars. Come over to my house and we'll watch them. I'm inviting you. Do it. I'm not doing an event through Facebook this year because I want to keep it intimate enough that we can all enjoy the ceremony. Now don't take that as a sign that you SHOULDN'T come over. If you're reading this, you're invited. The Facebook masses don't tend to read this. Fill out your Oscar picks and there will be a prize to whomever gets the most right. Also, if you have any extra coat hangers, please bring them and whatever food you'd like to contribute. In the video I also listed a bunch of expensive gifts that I'd like to receive (but am not planning on receiving).

Yay!

v.d. 2011

2011-02-13T01:31:00.006-07:00

(Patent pending on my trademark black horny heart.)

So here's an image of this year's Valentine's Day box.

Yes, you guessed right. My work is making us make Valentine's Day boxes to put at our desks. Actually, I don't want to sound like they're forcing me to do something I don't like, because I actually think it's a pretty fun idea. I also like how deeply awesome my box is. Black with white horn hearts plus a glass mockingjay on the top. Nobody can beat my V.D. box.

Every few years I make a V.D. cd. Usually I grab a few love songs and edit in a few quotes from popular romantic comedies. Often there's a sort of theme to the cd where there are love songs about loss that lead into love songs about gain or vice versa. This year I totally resolved to do it. I even started watching a few streaming Netflix titles to find movie quotes while I was researching which songs to use. I only got ten minutes into Roxanne before I gave up and just watched the whole thing. It was awesome to watch, btw. I recommend. Again. I recorded one line that was pretty funny ("I thought I was in love once, but it turns out I was confusing love with sex." -- "That happened to me once. It was awesome!")

Anyway, I only found five songs that I was willing to put on the V.D. cd, So I guess this year it's more of a V.D. EP.

1. "Next Girl" by the Black Keys. This song represents "being on the prowl."

2. "Father Figure" by George Michael. This song represents hooking up, in a really creepy sorta Freudian way. Ever see that video? Sexy (I'm not saying George Michael is sexy (even though he might be (back then anyway (to women)))).

3. "You're My Best Friend" by Queen. Hmm. That's sort of two gay songs in a row. That's totally coincidental. I'm not gay, but lots of times gay artists write my favorite songs (see of course Erasure). Actually I'm pretty sure it was John Deacon who wrote this Queen song and not Freddie Mercury. This may be the best love song I can think of right now. Anyway this song represents being in a fulfilling relationship.

4. "Nobody's Diary" by Yazoo. Okay, speaking of gay, I recently heard that this song is in a movie called Edge of Seventeen. Being the biggest Yazoo fan I could think of, I found the movie on Netflix streaming to see how well the song was used in the context of the movie. Turns out the movie is super gay. By super gay I don't mean to say that the movie is dumb. The movie literally is super gay. Anyway, I found the part with the Yaz song and they sort of used it well in the movie. Even in context of the super gay movie I find the first seven notes of the song absolutely haunting when I hear them. This song is very very high on my singing in the shower rotation. It's break-uppy. And it's sung by a girl. I'm not sure why I always sing sad girl songs in the shower. Have I ever talked about Yazoo on this blog? I think they were a really awesome '80s band that totally justified the emotion you could elicit through such a manufactured sound.

5. "Wildest Dreams" by The Moody Blues. Is that the name of this song? I know it's the song that all Moody Blues fans hate, but it's the only tolerable song of non-Moody Blues fans. It represents long lost longing.

So earlier this week I was pondering on the fact that I'm one of the few people who still loves listening to the radio in the car more than cds or iPod. Proponents of NOT listening to the radio always say the same thing: wouldn't you rather CHOOSE the music you listen to? Actually, strangely no. It's so much more fun to hear a song you love on the radio than to hear it from your personal collection. It's like receiving a gift. There's that thrill to it. Plus there's the knowledge that you're simultaneously sharing the same experience with dozens of other people across the Wasatch front.

I like anticipating what's next instead of owning the music. It's weird romance.

Have I ever mentioned that I find being poor more romantic than being rich? It sounds absurd to actually come out and say it, but isn't that what most romantic movies actually fall back on? The girl tends to wind up with the poor schlub than the rich douchebag.

Actually, also rich isn't an important aspect to romance because you don't want to mix up the material with the feelings. Poor romance is a lot easier to see, because love is the only material involved. That's why "Is This Love?" by Bob Marley is the most romantic song ever (sorry "You're My Best Friend" -- but I actually think I used "Is This Love?" on a previous V.D. cd).

Anyway, here are the songs:

(The "Next Girl" video is (in my mother's words) "pretty raunchy," so I'm posting the Ferguson appearance instead (I would recommend checking out the real music video though, it's quite groovy).

Okay, the George Michael video is also pretty risque (at least for the '80s), but what the heck. It's V.D. '11. Here's the real thing.

checking in

2011-02-03T16:48:00.002-07:00

My computer still sorta works. Photoshop and Soundtrack don't work anymore. No big loss there (I'm being incredibly sarcastic -- only Final Cut is more important than those two programs and I'm afraid to try Final Cut out).

So it looks like I may need to find a cheap Photoshop somewhere. I've been using the same version of Elements for like 10 years so I may be due for an upgrade -- maybe get a version with an "undo" button or something.

The real reason I haven't said much lately is because I've become quite tethered to my iPad. I could blog on it, but it's waaaaay better for input than for output. I'll break out soon because there is a bit to be said in the future.

The 27th of this month is two things: my birthday and also the academy awards. No doubt if you're reading this, I think it would be great if you spent the day watching the awards with me (if I can get off work). I'm sure soon I will post my wish list of stuff I want and also my Oscar predictions. Remember, submitting your Oscar predictions is mandatory (please for the love of my sanity please humor me on this one -- it's a birthday wish -- don't be stubborn).

Actually have two more best picture nominations to see: The Fighter and 127 Hours. Lemme know if you need someone to watch these with.

Hurm. Not much else to say. Stay classy world.

goodbye forever (just in case)!

2011-01-12T15:23:00.002-07:00

Ever since I got my computer I haven't updated the OS. It's been running on something called "Tiger," which apparently isn't as good as "Leopard" or "Snow Leopard." That's weird. If there were some kind of cat rumble, my money would be on the tiger any day.

Alas, I got one of the best Christmas gifts ever -- an iPad (which really solidifies my part in the Apple family (I mean, now I have FOUR iPods (one of which stopped working, but that was only because it got caught in the worst rainstorm in Cabo San Lucas history))). Anyway, it turns out that this new device won't sync up with my computer until the OS has been updated. So now I'm giving in, despite my paranoia. Things have been working fairly well over the last three or so years and I'm hesitant to bring in a foreign body (perhaps that summarizes my feelings about the H1N1 flu shot as well). The guy at the Apple store said "he's had nothing but a good experience whenever he updates the OS." But he's a hip Apple store worker. Technology loves him more.

I'm just about to update. If it destroys my computer this will be the last blog post I make. There will also be no more J.R. Watches Star Trek for the first time, The Iron Rodcast, Jon Madsen Movie Commentary, Jon Demand, Living in the Geekdom, Blogging Forgotten Realms and Halloween movies.

Goodbye world.

post christmas swap meet!

2011-01-11T01:06:00.007-07:00

Alright, so Christmas is old news, but we're still right in the middle of exchange season!

Many of you did not participate in this year's Christmas grabfest. In fact, I was lucky to get all the gifts given away (or at least reserved) by Christmas Day. If you did participate and you didn't get what you wanted (just about all of you) now is your big chance to exchange your gift with someone who got what you wanted (not bloody likely though). In fact, if you didn't receive a gift at all, many of the gift recipients may be willing to part with their gift anyway. It's worth asking.

Anyway, here's what people got. I didn't get everyone's picture because some of the gifts were given at church and stuff and they hate it when I'm flashing photos there.

Josh got a USB 2.0 A/AM/F 15-foot Extension Cable!

Chet got a book called Deliciously Easy Main Dishes With Herbs!

Stephanie got a DVD called Screen Dreams: Living Fireplace, Vol. 2!

Kelsey got a book called English Romantic Poetry!

Zo got the book Thus Spake Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche!

Joe got a CD by The Commodores called Motown Legends: Brick House!

Emily got Leg Avenue Women's Sexy Fishnet Pantyhose!

Rhett got the book Looking Backward by Edward Bellamy!

Alex got a CD called Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, Overtures by Wolfgang Mozart!

Calvin got the book The Jewel of Seven Stars by Bram Stoker!

Mandi got a tube of Joico Color Endure Conditioner!

Brother Hewlett got a mini computer microphone!

Jaime got the CD called Billie Holiday - Golden Hits!

Scott got the CD called Heartbreak Beat by The Psychedelic Furs!

Bishop Williams got a set of those shapey animal rubber bands that kids are into these days!

Laron got the CD called Wild Planet by The B-52's!

Dre got a Universal DC to AC Adapter!

Bekah got a Universal USB Travel Charger Adaptor!

Laura got the CD Nothing To Fear by Oingo Boingo!

Maria got a five dollar Little Caesar's gift certificate!

Brooke got Clearsnap Double-sided Adhesive Stickers (4 Sheets)!

Chad got the CD called Greatest Masterpieces of the Millenium - Beethoven!

Jen got the CD Original Soundtrack - Planet of the Apes (1968)!

If you think these gifts are lame, remember every one of them is something I nearly bought for myself. If you'd like any of these, you know who to talk to. I noticed that especially the people who got stuck with books may be willing to part with them.

whoops! here's my 21st favorite movie of 2010.

2011-01-08T14:55:00.002-07:00

One of my favorite times of the year is when I release the previous year's movie list and then a bunch of people tell me how wrong I am. It's happening now!

My favorite comment is the surprise that I didn't put Yugo to Hell on the list. That's a good point. I really can't believe it slipped my mind. The movie sucks in a lot of ways, BUT I still love it and I love how it came together, just like I love every dumb little movie we put out comes together.

Anyway, here it is. Watch it. Remember it's 20 minutes long so you may need to take a lunch or something.

the 40 best movies of 2010!

2010-12-31T11:18:00.006-07:00

I'm sorry this is at least six days late.

Every year I do my best movies of the year list and every year I wonder what to do about the movies I see in the theater in the year that actually came out during the tail end of the previous year. I'll quickly mention those right now in their own list.

The top 10 movies I saw in 2010 that actually came out in 2009!

10. The Box
Points to the guy who made Donnie Darko, but this movie sucked.

9. Fantastic Mr. Fox
Negative points to Wes Andersen, who isn't as clever as he thinks he is (or at least as clever as I say). I did appreciate the "wolf power" fist toward the end though.

8. Invictus
One of these days a decent rugby movie will be made. Still waiting.

7. Sherlock Holmes
More sleuthing would have been nice.

6. Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire
A decent movie. Bonus points to the longest, pretentiousest title ever.

5. More Than a Game
Propaganda for LeBron James, but nonetheless contains exciting basketball footage.

4. Avatar
The only movie I've recommended solely on the merits of its visuals and nothing else. Apparently this movie made more money than any other movie ever. Strange, considering we all will have forgotten it in two years.

3. Up In the Air
This was pretty good. Especially the two girls in it.

2. Brothers
Personally I think the Gyllenhaall brother would have made a better Spiderman than the Maguire brother.

1. Me and Orson Welles

Technically this movie came out in 2008 somehow. Worth the tops of this list because of Christian McKay's uncanny Welles characterization.

The 40 best movies of 2010!

Whenever I do these rankings, I always lay out all the movies I've seen and give each one a letter grade. After that I rank them within the letter grade. I'll go ahead and reveal the letters this year.

F range:

40. A Nightmare on Elm Street
Boy talk about a waste of potential. The Elm Street movies were so ripe for a very cool re-imagining. The setting is whatever could possibly happen in a literal nightmare. Too bad the opportunity was squandered. The visuals were absolutely not there. The character of Freddy wasn't defined as either a twisted mysterious lunatic or a gleeful sadistic winker to the audience. Net result: one of the boringest horror movies ever.

D range:

39. The Romantics
Saw this one at Sundance. If you didn't see it there, you may never get the chance to see it... fortunately. Lots of young beautiful people though -- some of my favorite young actors. They don't have anything to say or do.

38. The Joneses
This is the requisite one that I'm putting back on the list because I posted this whole post and then noticed that I had a ticket stub for this one but I didn't write about it. This movie wasn't super good. Is it possible that Amber Heard can act WITH clothes on? I'm not sure.

37. The Other Guys
Mark Wahlberg is far funnier than Will Farrell.

36. Youth in Revolt
At least Michael Cera branched out a little. Mustaches never hurt either. The rest of the movie was uninteresting.

35. Eclipse
I've been a good sport with this whole Twilight craze. I read the first book and had some fun with the first two movies. Now I don't even have the energy to make fun of it anymore.

34. When in Rome
Points for Veronica Mars being in this, but it's an insulting rom-com. Most rom-coms are, which is unfortunate. I will never be against an entire genre, but people who prefer romantic comedies ought to demand better than what they're given.

C range:

33. Frozen
Points for yours truly making a cameo in this. You can totally see me in the background. Otherwise this movie is about as dull as when you're on the ski lift and it stops for an hour and a half.

32. Iron Man 2
Not terrible. Interesting how with both Iron Man movies most of the really exciting stuff happens near the beginning of the movie instead of the end. Huh. Anyway, the characters seemed a lot more flat in this one than the first. They missed an opportunity to go deeper instead of more superficial.

31. It's a Trap
I did love this Family Guy interpretation of Return of the Jedi, but unfortunately it's hindered by Family Guy's better attempts to skewer Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. Actually, a bigger help may have been that those other two movies are so much better than Jedi.

30. Get Low
Robert Duvall is great, but I didn't find as much to the character, story or situation as most of my friends who also saw this. Maybe it doesn't help that I fell asleep during 20 minutes of it.

29. The Expendables
Another wasted opportunity. Needed a lot more Dolph Lundgren. Needed to take itself more seriously and trust itself. Then we could have laughed a lot harder at its earnestness.

28. Shutter Island
Completely respectable as a Scorsese film and as a mindbender. Respectable, but didn't bring anything to either column that were exclusively memorable to this movie.

27. How to Train Your Dragon
Yeah, this was absolutely adorable, but I've never been converted to Jay Baruchel.

B range:

26. Salt
This is completely indescribable. About a dozen action spy thrillers come out every year and I can't say why this one is better than any of those. Maybe Salt just subtly hit all the notes just right. Maybe after seeing as part of a double bill with The Other Guys, I was looking for something to like.

25.Greenberg
It's not super. Nothing really happens. Unfortunately I relate to Ben Stiller's 40-somethingish loser character who tries to impress young people. I sadly relate. A lot.

24. Best Worst Movie
This is a documentary about the hilariously bad movie Troll 2. If you've seen Troll 2 you know the inherent hilariousness. I would have liked a little more exploration about what the specific appeal is.

23. TRON: Legacy
I make no apologies for absolutely adoring the original TRON. This update was pretty good, especially considering the Daft Punk soundtrack. However (soundtrack included (no need for string arrangements)) it was a little too analog. I would have appreciated the digital world looking a lot less real.

22. Splice
Don't see this movie. It may have been the scariest movie I saw, but not for the horror elements. The subtext drew on parental anxiety. Most horror movies are paralleled by anxieties of young love or lust. Splice plays very well on the next stage of life. Don't see it though. I totally get it when people say it's the worst movie of the year.

21. Please Give
This indie is a little Woody Alleny. I kind of like how it explores the idea of repressed, privileged guilt.

20. Machete
Aaaand with number 20 we start a short list of movies that are tremendously awful, yet gut-bustingly fun. Machete is stereotype, violence and seriousness taken to the extreme. Result: hilarity!

19. Piranha 3D
Okay, I feel sort of bad about this. It was far more exploitation than I thought it would be. No stops were pulled.

18. Jackass 3D
Totally not converted to 3D, but THIS was a VERY good use of 3D. It made me want to investigate getting a 3D camera so I can film my friends getting seriously injured.

17. True Grit
The Coens are perfection at film making. I would have enjoyed a bit more of the Coen influence than we got here though. Unfortunately, I'm not ranking this one as well as most other people I know who saw it. The problem may be in that a couple of years ago I saw No Country for Old Men and saw what the Coens could do with the western genre. I wound up not caring for the people or events of True Grit nearly as much. Perhaps I'm to blame.

16. Let Me In
The coolest thing about this movie is that it was widely released when I would have expected it to go strictly indie. The bad news is that it was one of the biggest widely released flops of the year. There's nothing like a re-invigoration of classic vampire elements using a completely unique view of telling the story (well, completely unique as in a very close copy to the Swedish movie it was remade from).

15. My Girlfriend's Boyfriend
I'm giving points to this one because it has Alyssa Milano and it was also locally produced by a guy I totally insulted to his face at a party in Provo once. It was pretty good though. Better than When in Rome.

14. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Props to Edgar Wright for taking the idea of directing comedy far more seriously than pointing the camera at a few people telling jokes. Wright utilizes far more than words to elicit laughs. Now if only Michael Cera could play more than George Michael Bluth...

13. MacGruber
Don't see this. It's horribly offensive (but I was laughing my head off).

12. Book of Eli
Maybe it's my Mormonism, but it was very fun to grab onto the religious elements of this one. Also, it looks cool. Also, Mila Kunis.

11. You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger
I did not like this movie very much as I watched it. I do appreciate it plenty in hindsight though. Woody Allen obviously has a very cynical view of relationships and it's a view I share probably too much. Maybe this will help me purge it.

10. Easy A
This probably doesn't deserve the top ten, but I'm putting it here to say that Emma Stone is more than a girl I wanna hook up with. She constantly exhibits a charming charisma that is needed for the magic of film to work. There was a time when I would put acting and charisma and chemistry far behind writing and art direction and cinematography. Right now, I feel it's personality that is the most important and Emma Stone has a talent that saves even a mediocre story like Easy A.

9. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
A bit much for only half of a movie, but they pulled it off well. This flick actually had several legitimate scenes of tension and dozens of scares! Very well done considering the severe limitations of the source material.

8. Toy Story 3
It wasn't the scene of despair the toys went through that got to me. It was what Andy did right before he went off to college that got to me.

A range:

7. Catfish
I've mentioned scary movies in the list already, but Catfish is definitely the scariest. But only to me. There's horror scary and then there's social scary. You know how The Office is awkwardly funny? Catfish is seriously awkward. I had a panic attack watching the characters in this movie. Plus its Facebook-centered storyline is an excellent companion piece (in a very different way) to The Social Network.

6. Never Let Me Go
Here's another movie that I didn't really like while I was watching it, but loved it more and more afterward. It took me a while to get to know or even relate to the characters, but now I think of them often and feel badly for them. No doubt I'll read the book. I bet the book is great.

5. Black Swan
Hard to sit through at times, but quite a spectacle and some powerful insanity. The last half hour is as exciting as front row Swan Lake. One thing I really appreciated about the movie is how the camera seemed to be dancing with the ballerinas -- right next to them rather than just watching them.

4. The Social Network
Fincher. Sorkin. Reznor. For the win. You don't need to care one flying lick about Facebook to appreciate the way the drama unfolds here, but it doesn't hurt. I love how the guys that brought so many people together through the literal social network are shown to have no ability to retain a friendship between just themselves. I realize that most of those elements were exaggerated for the purposes of the movie, but that doesn't matter. The tale is told very well with all elements at the storytellers' disposal.

3. Exit Through the Gift Shop
The title practically insults the viewer, but this movie is worth it. Banksy challenges our views on art through his street art as well as through this "street film" itself. Perhaps accepting what we once considered lofty as mere packaging will help us appreciate the next level.

2. The Secret in Their Eyes
I'm the only one I know who saw this movie. I think it's Argentinian. It's an unrequited love story over decades and a police investigation over decades. Both elements are beautiful forms of both. There is also a tracking shot that is IMPOSSIBLE to pull off in real life, yet it's there in the movie. How did they do it? I dunno. They must have gotten government funding from the entirety of the Argentinian treasury.

1. Inception
Interesting that the worst movie on this list is a movie about the potential of dreams being squandered. Here's a movie with an awesome concept that never failed to deliver. Nolan is amazing for taking so many risks on so many levels and absolutely nailing every aspect. You all saw this, am I wrong? Why can't all summer movies be this fun AND this thinky?

airing of grievances 2010

2010-12-23T14:25:00.004-07:00

Strangely this year's grievances are sort of church-themed. Not sure exactly why. Maybe because going to church is practically my only social activity.

Short-sleeved white shirts-
Your mission's over dude. Where do you even get a short-sleeved white shirt?

Rolling up your dress shirt sleeves-
Unless you're fixing a kitchen drain, don't roll your sleeves up. Tacky. Church isn't a very physically taxing activity. If you roll your shirt sleeves up, you may as well roll your pant legs up.

Slamming hymn books shut-
"I finished the hymn first! Did you hear me close the book loudly?"

Closing hymn books before the song is over-
Sometimes we share hymn books and sometimes I attempt to sing parts. Just because you know all the words, it doesn't mean I'm not done looking at them -- or the notes I'm attempting (and failing) to sing.

Two people holding one hymn book-
It's actually harder for two people to hold one hymn book than it is for one person to hold it. If I don't help you hold it, it's because I'm giving you a break. Don't expect me to be miserable with you.

Fascist youth march-
Um, maybe you should ask me about this one. It's actually totally different than it sounds.

Sitting at the edge of the bench-
Be nice. Sit in the middle. Don't make people crawl over you just because you like to stick your leg out into the aisle.

Standing in doorways while talking-
People enjoy talking in doorways for some reason. Yeah, it's peace of mind in case an earthquake suddenly hits, but people need to get through that dang door.

Toilets that flush automatically-
This applies to many public toilets. I especially hate the ones that flush automatically and don't give the option to flush manually. I stand in front of the toilet or urinal doing all sorts of dances in order to get the movement detection sensor or whatever to work on the thing. Sure, toilet handles are gross, but maybe public toilets should have a flushing mechanism similar to one I used in Candada one time. It was a foot pedal. That's perfect. Unless you're barefoot. That's gross for so many reasons.

Saying "Merry Christmas" spitefully-
I say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" usually, but I do hate it when people get mad when people don't say "Merry Christmas." "Happy Holidays" works just fine. No need to make it a spiteful issue.

Not putting DVD back in its case-
So you wanna watch one of your DVDs. You open the player and there's already a DVD in there! Omigosh! Where does it go? Look at the top of the DVD. Now look at the DVD shelf. The title on the DVD and the title on a DVD case SHOULD match. I'll bet you A MILLION DOLLARS that's where the DVD belongs. Does it belong face down on top of the DVD player? No, actually. Weird. One movement miscalculation and the DVD is scratched and unplayable.

Stupid DVDs that get scratched too easily and don't play anymore-
This is stupid.

Weird American values-
I've been watching lots of documentaries lately and I've noticed a strange common theme in them. Strangely as Americans we say we value honesty and integrity, but in private we overwhelmingly value corruption and dishonesty. Maybe it's a weird documentary agenda. Watch Food Inc, Capitalism: A Love Story, No End in Sight and especially Bigger, Stronger, Faster.

My looks-
I'm handsomer now than I was when I was 22. My face is anyway. Unfortunately I'm also way balder. Why can't there be one period of my life where I REALLY look good?

My softness-
I think my metabolism is giving out. I'm noticing my body isn't that much bigger, but it is softer. Sorta buttery. This grieves me.

No free parking at the JSMB-
I always need to call Jaime, totally make her stop working, have her take the elevator downstairs and finally meet me at the JSMB to give me a parking validation for $2. Do you have any idea how inconvenient this is for me (and her)?

Saying "Ha ha do it again!"-
If someone does something funny and spontaneous, it's a total buzzkill to ask them to do it again.

You're not nearly as smart as you think you are-
Not nearly.

Couples-
They have no right to exist. Any of them. I agree I'm a horrible person and I can be a total jerk oftentimes and I'm phsically atrocious and I'm not loaded or anything. I don't know why any girl anywhere would be foolish enough to find me intersting. It boggles my mind that such a thing could ever happen -- BUT I'm way better than every other guy on the planet. True story.

This has been this year's airing of grievances. Happy Festivus everyone!

christmas. it's on.

2010-12-22T00:12:00.000-07:00

Alright everybody. It's on. Starting anytime on Wednesday, December 22 you can come over to my house and collect your Christmas gift. Remember supplies are limited! You'll only have the choice of 23 items IF YOU'RE EARLY. Of course you don't know what you're getting because they're all wrapped. Shortly after Christmas I will post what everyone received and then you can work out your trades if you wish. If you'd like to text, email, Twitter or Facebook me a reservation, I'm open to doing that. I'll even deliver if you need me to -- just hurry!

Anyways, let's celebrate the holiday a little bit with some of my favorite Christmas songs (fun idea: play all these embedded songs at the same time).

Recently at dinner I informed several of my friends that Erasure has a Christmas song. That's surprising to most people, since it's not as well known as that Mariah Carey Christmas song. Someone's finally made a cheap YouTube photo montage using that song. It's called "She Won't Be Home." Check it out:

Lately I've been a bigger Paul fan than John fan, but Lennon really nails the Christmas song better than McCartney did. Paul's "Wonderful Christmas Time" is almost dispassionate enough to have been written by robots. Of course Lennon wasn't really channeling Christmas spirit with "Happy Xmas (War is Over)." He was mostly channeling his hatred of the Vietnam War or something. Whatever though.

"Last Christmas" by Wham!

Wow, all these songs so far have been British. The Brits are way better than we are at making Christmas songs. I will now make a goal to spend one Christmas in England sometime in the future. Let's put all the Brits together for one big Brit carol. There are two huge things about Band-Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" that are worth noting. First, is that it shows people playing guitars, but as many times as I've heard the song I can't hear where any guitars are. The second thing is that Bono SOMEHOW out-Bonos himself and every other Bono impersonator at about 1:30.

The Waitresses are actually from Akron, Ohio but their Christmas song is super popular in The U.K. Couldn't find the official video, but here's a seemingly nice chick who made a video to the song. Good for her. Oh, the song's called "Christmas Wrapping" I think.

the plan for christmas gifts this year

2010-12-13T13:35:00.003-07:00

As I sit at the computer and stare directly above me, my eyes catch this object:
It may be hard to tell from the picture but it's mistletoe -- a sign of the season. Yes, it shouldn't actually remind me of Christmas, since it's a perennial feature above my desk (and VERY ineffective btw), but somehow it does a little.

Probably a more obvious feature is the fake Christmas tree I managed to grab from my parents' house. Usually I only keep it up for six months at a time so it is a little more Christmasy. Here it is decked in festive lampshade and ornaments.

Look carefully at the picture of the tree. Notice that there are presents under there. Those are YOUR presents. An explanation follows.

I used to love getting gifts for people because I'd get tons of gifts for everybody I knew. The funnest part of the season for me used to be when I'd give someone a gift and then make them feel bad for not getting me anything. It really gave me a good superior feeling. Unfortunately that sort of practice is simply impractical now. I have too many friends and family.

Now a line must be drawn between those people who get gifts from me and those who don't. It's the worst thing about Christmas. I hate drawing that line. This year I'm not. This year I'm letting YOU draw the line for me.

Recently I placed a large order on Overstock.com for 23 items. I am giving each of these items away as an individual Christmas present. Each item was not purchased for any particular individual. When all the items arrive at my house I will say "Ready, Go!" (probably in the form of another blog post) and the first 23 people will get gifts. After that, nobody gets anything. Now I may sound sort of cold about this, but trust me, I'm doing this because I want you to get something from me. If I went about doing this the traditional way, I probably wouldn't get as many as 23 gifts for individuals. Of course I have way more than 23 friends so there's a good chance that you are my friend, but you wouldn't get anything from me (even though you may have been expecting it).

Anyway, this may seem selfish, but at least I don't have to reveal who my favorite 23 people are. If you participate in this, you will pretty much be inducted into my top 23.

I am planning on a gift for my parents and a group present for the house I live in. Other than that -- THIS IS ALL THE SHOPPING I'M DOING.

What are these gifts you may ask? Well, let me just say that all the gifts I ordered are items I WOULDN'T MIND GETTING MYSELF. So they're not NECESSARILY things you'd throw away on the 26th.

Here are some items I considered ordering for this project, but decided not to (so pretty much the items I ordered are better and/or more cost effective):

I've never read Inferno but it's a classic combining Christian theology with ancient myth in a perfect moral allegory. It's also the title of an X-men comic crossover from the 80s that borrowed several demonic elements from Dante's book. This particular edition was translated by Henry Wordsworth Longfellow (born February 27th!).

Say what you will of the series as a whole, but Goldmember was the best one. It contains one of my favorite lines in cinema: "There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch."

I think we've evolved to a point in culture where the lines between camp, irony and legitimacy are quite blurred. Five years ago we would have made fun of Sonny and Cher, now we'll gladly put them on as the perfect background music for a summer mocktail party.

How many people out there are nurses or medical assistants? Probably 70% of you. Wouldn't it be nice to have a spare scrubs top? Also works as a pajama top as if you didn't know that. Scrubs may have been pajamas first. Eventually doctors decided they'd rather do surgery right after they rolled out of bed. Anyway, scrubs tops are comfy.

Keep tuned in to the blog. When I say go -- come running over here to claim your gift.

Oh, and I nearly forgot. I'll keep track of who gets what, so if you'd like to exchange your gift with someone else, that will be possible. Sort of a white elephant type thing where you don't need to bring a white elephant yourself.

1923–2010

2010-12-01T11:46:00.002-07:00

Who's scruffy-lookin'? You never got enough credit Irvin. Search your feelings. You know it to be true. And sorry I was three days late on this.

Also: AT-ATs are awesome.

1926-2010

2010-11-29T00:09:00.003-07:00

"Love hurts. Sure, not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts."

I'm sad, but laughing.

Why did you disrupt that rendition of Shakespeare in the Park?

"Yes, well when I see five weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that's my policy"

halloween compost mortem

2010-11-06T21:13:00.005-06:00

I had a wonderful Halloween, but it was far from ideal. I simply can't cram the entire holiday into a mere month. For those of you who were wondering, my costume this year was General Zod from Superman II.

If you're reading this now, it probably means you're my friend. It also means that there's a good chance you weren't born by 1982 which explains why I had to explain my costume to so many people. I needed a costume that would make use of the beard I'm presently sporting (which is getting really itchy and obnoxious, but I already told someone I'd grow a beard for Christmas). Also, my hair (as little as I have) tends to stick up more than slick back. Oh well.

I just finished watching The Simpsons Halloween special this year. It sucks that they don't show it before Halloween, but I'm sort of grateful that they extend the season slightly since I ran out of time to do everything else.

Actually, I managed all the essentials.

Those of you who came over to my house last week, thanks. We made a great movie this year and I'll probably post it soon. I was toying with the idea of entering it somewhere, but I don't even know where and I'd rather just keep it fun and public where everyone can see it. I will be tweaking it this week though, so it won't be up for a little while. My friends are really awesome to deal with me while we put the thing together.

I watched about a dozen scary movies. Thanks to Zo, we had some serious organization on that front. Unfortunately I wasn't able to finish watching all of the Friday the 13th movies, but I got 3 1/2 done. Also, I make a point of watching Donnie Darko every year, but time escaped me.

Once again, I wasn't able to go out trick-or-treating (still not opposed to doing it in my old age), but it was cool to receive trick-or-treaters -- even though most of them don't even say "trick or treat." What's up with that? I have to prod them most of the time.

I hit two haunted houses. They're getting less fun. I love them, but unfortunately they're so popular that the businesses are forced to make them the most efficient continuous line of people.

J.R. and I finished the Halloween cd, but we so ran out of time that we didn't get our cover art, movie quotes or lyrics finished. Here's the list. I'll burn you a copy if you want one.

1. "Keepin' Halloween Alive" by Alice Cooper
2. "The Ghost Who Walks" by Karen Elson
3. "Goo Goo Muck" by The Cramps
4. "Only After Dark" by The Human League
5. "Mr. Splitfoot" by Paris Motel
6. "Walk Like a Zombie" by HorrorPops
7. "Dead Girl Superstar" by Rob Zombie
8. "Jack You're Dead" by Joe Jackson
9. "Skullcrusher Mountain" by Jonathan Coulton
10. "A Night On Bald Mountain" by Eugene Ormandy
11. "Wake the Dead" by Family Force 5
12. "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" by Tracy Jordan
13. "She Wolf" by Shakira
14. "Wolf Like Me" by TV On the Radio
15. "Bed Intruder Mix" by Bruce Lee Roy
16. "This Gigantic Robot Kills" by MC Lars
17. "Mack the Knife" by Bobby Darin
18. "I Put a Spell on You " by Screamin' Jay Hawkins
19. "All Your Hate Lays On Me" by JonDis
20. "Good Man In a Bad Time" by Ian Hunter
21. "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" by Roger Daltrey

"Bed Intruder Mix" is J.R.'s "original composition" this year. He took the famous joke song that's been auto-tuned and "scarified" it. My original is called "All Your Hate Lays On Me" and it's pretty much a portion of the ABBA song "Lay All Your Love On Me" played backward.

"Mr. Splitfoot" is the song in the trailer for the new AMC series Walking Dead. Have you seen that? I may start watching it. I watched half of the first episode and it's pretty good.

Here are a couple of great finds this year from the album --

"Wolf Like Me" by TV On the Radio

"The Ghost Who Walks" by Karen Elson

I may tone it all down next year.

halloween movie ahoy!

2010-10-28T20:55:00.003-06:00

Holy cow, has it nearly been a month since I've posted? I'm getting super lame.

Really busy this month though. I've been stressing out a lot about this year's Halloween movie. I think I'll finish it in time for the premiere at my house this Sunday at 6 p.m. What, you didn't hear? Well, check out the facebook invitation.

Facebook invitation

My house. Sunday. 6 P.M. Come over and then we'll go trick-or-treating.

Wanna see my super-rushed, crappily edited (in the wrong aspect ratio) trailer? Too bad. Watch it anyway.

here we go again

2010-10-07T01:46:00.002-06:00

So I think I may be getting grosser and grosser every week. If you think I'm sort of a good person, don't watch. The crowd was wicked tough too. Oh well.

Thanks to Alex for getting this down. She snorted one time! That was funny.

sort of a weekly occurance

2010-10-05T22:30:00.001-06:00

Alright. Quick announcement. ONCE AGAIN, I'll be doing open-mic night TOMORROW. Keep in mind that you're probably reading this tomorrow, which is WEDNESDAY. 8:00 at the Trolley Square Wiseguys is the important information. It's only five bucks, but FREE if you get up there too. It's not that scary. I only got injured once while doing it. I'm probably out of material, so MAYBE this is the last time I do it in a while. We'll see. I will tell ya though, I am a fan of the material I have this time around. More than usual.

standy 3

2010-09-29T23:49:00.002-06:00

So... apologies. I know these may just be getting grosser and grosser. At least it's very very short this time. I also feel compelled to apologize because I forgot a couple of good jokes in the middle and also a very crucial set up that made the final joke much funnier (but also grosser). I said this on Twitter and Facebook already, but the keywords are garbage disposal, jellyfish, asparagus and then garbage disposal again. Here's a fun game! See if you can figure out what the jokes would have been based on the keywords I just gave! Okay fine, if you're that curious about the jokes, just come up and ask me.

the stand-up strikes back

2010-09-16T00:02:00.002-06:00

So the stand-up went really really well I think. And thanks for everybody who came to check it out (all THREE of you). I'm not sure how I was able to pack the house last time. Hmm. Maybe I was so unfunny last time that nobody wanted to come back. Oh well. This time It may have been better because it was far shorter and tighter. Here it is. It's kind of hard to hear it, so I printed a rough transcript of it below the embed. probably the best way to view it is to play the video in an outside window and then glance at the blog if you miss something.

Woo! Yeah! Halloween is here! Halloween is here! It's my favorite season. Anybody like Halloween? Anybody like scary stories? It's my very favorite. I love love really really scary stories.

The most scary story in my opinion is the guy in the back seat of the car with the axe. Anybody ever been freaked out by that story? It's the scariest because you don't... it's it's like a suspenseful thing. You don't know how long he's been back there. Like for me and my car, I'll be like driving around. I'll be like (singing) "keep on pushin' my love over the border line! border line!" And then I hear this (stifled laughter). (pause) How long have you... been... back there? "For the past 11 songs ha ha!" But I thought I was alone! Oh no! You're not supposed to hear me singing in the car! And then he's like "Why do you only sing to the girl songs?" The girl songs make me feel prettyyy! Please stop laughing at me and please don't kill meeee!!! Hey! Salt n' Pepa! You wanna do a duet? "Yeah!" Kill me later. Kill me later.

So I recently started a new job -- and lost it -- but for the purposes of the next few jokes let's just say I'm still at the job. But like my favorite part of the new job is the orientation, you know. It's kind of like a free day. And y'know it doesn't really serve any purpose as far as I know it's just to help me integrate more with like some of the like Koreans and Japanese and Chinese and other Asians. That's what orientation's for, I dunno. So like, the best part of the orientation is all those sexual harassment videos that they show. Those are just like gold. I'm like taking so many notes. I'm like oh yeah. This is brilliant. This is perfect. This is great. But you know the human resources guy -- he sets me straight, he's like "No. No. You're not supposed to be taking notes during the sexual harassment videos. They're not to help you pick up girls.... If you have too much sexual harassment at work then that's grounds for termination." And I've been out of the workforce for so long that I don't even know the vernacular. I'm like termination? I'm thinkin' like The Terminator and like a terminal disease and then a crappy Tom Hanks movie. It's like really really foreboding stuff. But like what's termination again? What does that entail? He's like "Sir, when there is a termination that means some of your actions are so severe that you know there will be a firing--" A FIRING SQUAD?! What? All I did was pat your butt! I don't think it's really necessary for that I mean c'mon! Give me a break.

But human resources is great. I'm so happy that we have human resources to go to at our various jobs. I feel sorry for all the robots and chimps that I work with. They don't really have that aspect to go to. Which is why when I continue my sexual harassment at work, usually I exclu --

Um, actually sorry, are there any robots in here? Good, 'cuz I'm about to get really really racist right now.

I like to exclusively harass some of the robots at work because I'm like Hey! Hey Bolty! Drop another 50 pounds and you'll really be in my thoughts. What do you say we go to the maintenance closet anyway you dirty...

And then they're like "No. Please. Stop. Hostile. Work. Environment. Please. Stop."

I'm like who are you going to go to? Human Resources? You don't have a robot resources. There's no robot resources! What are you gonna do? Sorry. Hey chimp. Nice tail. Nice. Love it. Love it.

(I think right there I meant to say "Hey work monkey. Nice tail.")

It's great to be human. It's really good to be human. I love these times.

So um, dating's cool. It's not cool. I like dating and I love it when girls say -- this is like a common thing -- girls will always say this, like "Look, look, don't try to like sugar coat yourself or try too hard. Just be yourself! Be yourself!" Ladies, I think you should lay off the whole -- well not you know -- just take it easy, you know. Take it back because a lot of you don't know that like if we were to be ourselves like deep down, inside -- we're really horrible people. You should probably say "Hey, you know what? Um, pretend to be a good guy." The world would be a better place. Like when Eva Braun first started dating Hitler, she probably said, "You know what? Be yourself! Loosen up Adolf!" And he's like "What I really want to do is kill 6 million Jews." And she's like "Well okay! Wait. What? Okay well, just buy me stuff then." If she was a better person maybe she could have cut him down to like 3 million, I dunno.

the dumbest thing i've ever done (again)

2010-09-15T09:13:00.002-06:00

I'm once again planning on doing open-mic stand-up -- TONIGHT. Please come and try to laugh.

Once again it's at Wiseguys at Trolley Square at 8:00 PM I believe. No idea when I'd actually go on. What they usually do is get everybody who signs up and then randomly draw the order. It's five bucks to get in, BUT it's free if you perform. You should do it too!

I think I'll talk about scary stories, workplace HR and Hitler. No doubt they'll only give me three minutes this time. Last time I took ten minutes but it was okay because I was last and I didn't actually realize that they were trying to wave me off the stage for seven minutes.

I'm hoping to get into a habit of doing this -- or at least doing it enough that I can do it without going into convulsive shakes before I go on (which is what happened last time).

it's scary movie time!

2010-09-03T20:28:00.002-06:00

Alright! Yes we're doing this. Yes.

This year, the scary movie is a period piece from 1991. There will be blood. There will be special effects. There will be romance.

The plan is to start shooting SATURDAY (you know, 9/11). Hopefully we'll get the hard stuff first. We're not FULLY casted, but we will be soon. If you're into helping please join the facebook group and/or tell me/text me. Helping doesn't necessarily mean acting, but it does mean you're awesome.

JOIN THIS GROUP!

further geek cred

2010-09-03T20:07:00.004-06:00

Okay, so it may be an understatement to say that I'm really into podcasting. Just don't sigh when I tell you this.

I recently joined another podcast and it's a hoot (that's right, I joined it instead of started it (although I did help start it)). Anyway, it's called Geeking Off.

It was actually Zo's idea. If you know Zo, you know what a fiend he is (and that the likelihood of us earning an explicit tag on iTunes is pretty high). Also Chad and Scott are in on it too. We talk a lot of comic books (Zo and Chad's interest especially) and whatever movie we saw last (the works of Bigelow and Lynch lately). The floodgates are open though, and we may talk about all sorts of stuff. In the future we'll be covering the whole genre of sci-fi as well as tackling the AFI top 100 movie list plus the works of Thomas Jane.

We have an awesome time. If listening to it is half as fun as recording it (which it most certainly is), then it's a rollicking way to hear something while at work or driving. Rollicking. Give a listen.

Go to the site here.

Subscribe in iTunes here.

the ghost in you she don't mind

2010-08-05T14:49:00.002-06:00

Okay, so like remember when I said I was planning this year's Halloween movie? Well I'm still planning it. I'm thinking of starting shooting in a couple of weeks. Maybe just after Friday the 13th. Right now, I'm working on an outline and some pre-production details. The scope may be slightly higher than last year. I'm hoping to not just cram in zombies, but also a ghost story, a love story and a ghost love story (most likely the zombies will be eliminated entirely). Also it will probably take place in Yugoslavia 20 years ago. Start getting into character everybody!

Here is the ghost effect I'm messing with right now.

shiver and say the words of every lie you've heard

2010-07-24T00:24:00.004-06:00

Ran out of podcasts to listen to earlier today, so i switched over to some music in the ol' shuffle. Skipped the first bunch of songs but finally settled into "The Only Thing That Shines" by Shriekback. Shriekback is a slightly obscure 80s gloom-dance side project. I don't know anybody else in Salt Lake who's a fan (although I'm sure they exist). This song is actually a ballad (and I think a pretty obsessive imbalanced one).

The next song was "Borderline" by Madonna. Today that song sounded SO good. Better than usual even. I pondered a little on the song's end fade out where she's just doing a sort of "la da da da la da da da." I wondered how it was recorded. Is there an actual end to the song that they cut out through fade? Perhaps I just wanted to hear some more even if she wasn't even singing words.

The next song was "Bring on the Dancing Horses" by Echo and the Bunnymen. It was absolute perfect timing, because I found the experience euphoric. Astute readers of this blog (just me I think) may recognize that this was the song that played during the fireworks climax at Sugarhouse as I drove by on I-80 (simply savvy people would recognize the tune from the Pretty in Pink Soundtrack (the 23rd greatest movie of all time)). Today this song sounded even better. I heard things in the song that I never really took specific notice of. Is that a harp? Is that an electric accordion? Most of all, the song sounded so earnest and sincere. I completely believed Ian McCulloch when he sang "First I'm gonna make it then I'm gonna break it 'til it falls apart." I also was willing to actually bring on the dancing horses he was speaking of. The fact that I don't have any idea what "it" is that will fall apart or where these horses are (or even if they're literal or figurative) had nothing to do with the absolute believability of what I was hearing.

I wonder if a song could be written today with the unironic harp, wheezy reverb and earnest (but easily make-fun-able) lyrics that I hear in "Bring on the Dancing Horses" and still be a song that I don't brush off immediately.

I'm the biggest 80s music fan I know. I'm very fond of saying that I've been a fan of 80s music since 1980. 90% of my friends cannot say this because they were born after December 31, 1980. I have a huge fear that my fandom is mostly a result of life chronology. Obviously it's a huge part of it. For the most part the music of today is no worse than any other era. The only reason you think it was better when you were a teen-ager is because that's the music that was released when YOU were a teen-ager.

I like to think it's not JUST that though. I like to think that there was a different sense of sincerity back then (that I think only I can see).

My biggest reason for wanting to take part in time travel is to just go back in time to a time I remember. Would it feel different? Would it feel now? It probably would, but I really really hope it would feel like it did back then -- which is simply a lot different than it feels now in ways too complex to describe and do justice.

Coincidentally while doing my traditional YouTube music video "research" for this post I discovered that "Bring on Your Dancing Horses" actually appears in Hot Tub Time Machine, a movie I meant to see, but didn't get around to. I have a bad feeling that everybody who has seen it now knows the song quite well and they know it as a joke. I'm afraid the song has now been reset. The time machine I'm hoping for is now much farther away.

july 14th: a review and critique

2010-07-17T02:15:00.003-06:00

Another successful year!

Strangely I worked on Independence Day and I will work on the 24th, but I actually called in sick to work on the 14th. That's how important it is to me. Ironic since part of the appeal of the 14th is its unimportance.

This year Scott mentioned that we should actually call the holiday "Dependence Day." I like that, but I also like "Mid True Summer." I think we may change the name every year.

Quick review: Craig Blake won this year. He earned points for being the first to arrive, hitting the slip 'n slide over 50 times, counting how many times he went on the slip 'n slide, going on the slip 'n slide in style (sometimes literally jumping the shark at the end), drinking a bit of freedom water and sticking around the longest. His spirit and youth were impossible to beat.

Regan and Dre destroyed in the float competition which they actually entered as a diorama. Laura won the photo-taking competition (see below). I won the ding dong stacking competition. Plenty of others went the extra mile in their enthusiasm (Rhett, Scott, Pete, Steph, yadda yadda yadda).

As usual, people balked at the drink selection. It's a necessary evil to have only the competitive drinks out -- freedom water (Perrier), chocolate milk and whole milk. Next year it'll be a lot tougher, I tell you. Next year we're baggin' the chocolate milk and instead of Perrier we're only having Shasta tonic water. I tried the "bonus beverage" of Perrier and milk. Pretty nasty, but I probably prefer it to straight Perrier.

I told a couple of people that I actually had some "good" palate cleansing drinks in the house for the winding down of the celebration. As I type this I realize I forgot to get those drinks out. Sorry if anybody literally left with a bad taste in their mouths.

Check out awesome photos of the event right here:
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=130933720280646#!/album.php?aid=188467&id=589867674&ref=mf

abide by abide by the fourteenth of july

2010-07-12T03:21:00.002-06:00

Hey gang. This week marks fourteenth of July week. Remember to come to the celebration at my house this Wednesday (the fourteenth).

Check out the facebook.
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=130933720280646&index=1

Lemme know if you need anything regarding what's just been said.

anti-dependent drugs

2010-07-03T22:54:00.002-06:00

Every year during Independence Day weekend I sort of feel compelled and obligated to watch the fireworks. Pretty much every year I forget to plan to. I still watch them, but very often I do it alone, which is far more depressing than going to movies and music concerts alone (which I tend to do constantly).

I don't hate watching fireworks, but I certainly find nothing incredibly pleasurable about them, so I should feel fine NOT watching, right? Nope. Unfortunately for every annual event such as fireworks watching, I tend to overly realize that there is a finite number of actual incidents of said events in my lifetime. If I'm lucky, I'll probably be around to experience about 60 Independence Day fireworks shows. I've already seen about 25 of them. At the 60th one I don't want to be with my kids enjoying the sights and saying to them "Wow, this is the first time I've actually enjoyed this."

Since I didn't make any plans with friends (and couldn't really since I was "in the office" until 9:30), I decided to just drive around town observing the various shows as I witnessed them happen. My timing was off though. I witnessed the Midvale show in the mirror.

As the incredibly sad symbolism sinks in I'll go ahead and talk about something else for a moment.

This morning I loaded up the old Shuffle with this year's independent mix. I specifically decided not to go specifically "American" bands, but rather my own kind of "summer night sensation of freedom" (which, when compiling music is obviously different for me than everybody else). Some highlighted artists from the playlist include Erasure, Eurythmics, Zeppelin, Lily Allen, Muse, Queen, OMD, Radiohead, The Smiths, The Ting Tings, Underworld, Yaz and a HUGE chunk of New Order ("Ceremony" is my favorite song in the world right now).

Early on I thought, wow... lots of British acts in this one... on the holiday celebrating our independence from them. Huh.

Why the British? An obvious answer would be that they make better music than we do (or at least that Jon Madsen has that opinion). Perhaps an eager psychoanalyst would say that on the day of independence I'm looking to associate myself with what I've severed myself from. Despite being more independent now than I've ever been in my life, I'm yearning for dependence and it's manifested in my desire to be subjected to King George III once again on this day of all days.

The evening's fireworks show ended quite spectacularly (especially for being alone and not as impressed with fireworks as I was when I was 5). I managed to time the Sugerhouse fireshow as I passed under them on I-80 between 700 and 2300 E. When you've lived in the city for as long as I have you tend to find some really unique gems of activities. The particular process of traveling under the fireworks to this particular show on this particular stretch of road has several unique advancements over the sitting in the park with a blanket method. First of all, you actually travel into the fireworks as they happen. There's a wonderful sense of moving depth. The smokey residue wafts onto the freeway and makes the inside of the car smell like the holiday. Also, of course you're listening to your music -- perhaps even your own independent mix (alternated with Showtunes Saturday Night of course). "Bring on the Dancing Horses" by Echo and the Bunnymen played during the big fireworks climax. VERY effective. So effective it was that I just HAD to share it.

Anyway, here's to independence, but also here's to British pop music. How about a little of both? Watch/listen to "Freedom '90" by George Michael. It's a good one. It's worthy of Independence (dependence) Day.

P.S. Don't get this song mixed up with "Freedom" by WHAM! Same singer, same title (sorta); but not the same song. Both are actually pretty good though.

Jon Demand XVIII

2010-07-01T02:13:00.002-06:00

SUBSCRIBE!

summer's here a month ago!

2010-06-24T16:46:00.003-06:00

A new paint job that looks like the French flag on the 'ol phone means Summer is officially here (yes, I put off painting my phone for a month)!

Also, it means the 4th annual Salt Lake City 14th of July celebration is shortly upon us (in my backyard). Please plan accordingly as a Facebook invite is shortly in the works. The 14th of July falls on a Wednesday this year I believe.

Also, just so everyone knows, while applying liberal amounts of nail polish remover to remove the previous pink "Valentine's Day" paintjob, I think I wrecked my phone. The microphone doesn't work too well anymore, so it's hard to hear me if we're in a conversation. At least it looks sort of nice for a phone that's eight years old.

think scariest summer ever

2010-06-10T03:32:00.003-06:00

I've been thinking about this year's Halloween movie lately. I think it'll be pretty cool. Usually, I don't start thinking about it until like the end of September at the earliest. It always turns into a very stressful (yet very fun) ordeal.

Yes, it's quite early. I'm only saying I'm thinking about it now to give everybody who wants to be a part of it time to also think about it. Lately I've been musing a little on what I want the story to be this time around and I think we may have something really special. Horror! Comedy! Social issues! Kissing! Seriously!

It's never too soon to let me know if you'd like to be involved. I'll set up the Facebook group shortly, but don't be afraid to tell me you're in before then! I'd like to shoot the thing in August. The weather may be more agreeable for us.

Anyway, if you're reading this and have no idea what I'm talking about, feel free to catch up on some old Halloween classics which are embedded below (2005, 2008, 2009).

lost spin-offs

2010-06-08T23:05:00.003-06:00

I mentioned at the end of the last post that, now that Lost is over, I wanted to throw in a few more ideas to how ABC will be able to keep the momentum through spin-off shows. Here we go!

A few have already been covered by other personalities and by the show itself. Here are a couple of obvious ones that seriously would be pretty awesome television shows:

1. Dead and Alive
Who wouldn't love an actual police procedural starring Miles and Sawyer as police partners? Miles searches for clues by communing with the dead while Sawyer utters a dozen quippy cop lines throughout the course of the show.

2. Two and a Half Teachers
Simply put, the action of this television show takes place in the heated arguments of a teachers' lounge of a struggling suburban high school. Ben and Artzt constantly bicker of the best methods to teach the kids while latching onto their sanity. Often a third, more obvious method, is revealed by a crippled substitute teacher by the name of Locke.

3. Ad Aeterno
After spending hundreds of years on the island, Richard Alpert roams the American countryside aghast at how culture has changed. He meets souls in need and always helps with his expertise of the 18th century Spanish slave trade. He only wants one thing, but in his travels he never achieves it. Love.

Okay here are some more that I haven't heard anyone else say:

4. Fantahurley Island
This is a direct continuation of Lost on the island, but it is also a remake of Fantasy Island. People come from all over the world to see their fantasies realized, but their fantasies don't give them the answers they desire. Toward the end of every episode they seek out the "Mr. Roarke" of the island -- Hurley. Hurley's sort of a guru of sorts and his advice is always sound and enlightening. People assume it's because of his great role on the island that Hurley is able to provide them with answers. What they don't know, though, is that every week he pretty much just recites a line from Star Wars. Also, as an added bonus to the show, Nikki and Paolo are roaming the island as zombies.

5. The Estrogeneration
Claire and Kate settle down in Los Angeles to raise Aaron as their son. They decide that they both like girls now because Aaron turns out to be such a chick magnet. If the show goes on long enough, much of the show will center around Aaron's troubled teen years when he has difficulty adjusting when so many women of all types and ages are so obviously attracted to him.

6. American Flyer
In an effort to get away from the craziness of international flights across the Pacific, Lapitus retires as a pilot and takes a job as an unassuming semi-truck driver. Every week in his travels he comes across someone in need. Strangely every single episode ends with him reluctantly piloting some kind of apparatus to save the day. It may be a glider or a peddle-powered helicopter that he built or maybe a missile with a saddle that he rides like a horse. His catch-phrase before every single ill-conceived flight is, "Let's see what this thing can do!"

7. Mission Unaccomplished
This particular drama actually takes place before The Oceanic Six return to the island. Sayid is troubled by all the prejudice he sees from average Americans concerning people of Arabic descent. He makes it his goal to squash the Arab stereotype, but this is constantly made difficult by the fact that he's a ruthless international assassin from Iraq.

Please enjoy! If not on television itself, then in your head.

obligatory lost post (but i'd write it even if it wasn't obligatory)

2010-05-27T13:26:00.003-06:00

I've been putting this off for a couple of days. Hopefully I get all my thoughts in, but it's not super long. I don't think it'll be super long. I'll just say the important stuff this time.

First of all let me say that watching the Lost finale reminded me how much I love the show. Now I'm more interested in watching the whole thing over again than I was before. I've quibbled on the technique by which they're shown, but I love these characters. I love these people.

That said, I still stand behind what I previously said about the legacy of the show becoming a disappointment when looking back on the finale. I still love the show, but that's the way it is. I think I can still love a show and also have mild disappointment at the same time.

Everything matters. That's what was told to us. We got to see Boone and Shannon there in the temple and I thought the same thing I thought way back in season 1 when Boone died, do they matter? At all? Kate's horse? Tall, wet Walt? (Although seeing Nikki and Paolo in the temple would have been AWESOME.)

Let me take a paragraph here and say something positive about this same subject. Throughout the series many many many people died. Eventually I think I tended to get the infantry soldier's "thousand-yard stare" when I thought about how useless it is that these people are dying. For what? What's the big secret? What mystery is so important that so many innocents die? I found it very troubling. Now, with the finale the big thing they addressed is death. Death wasn't the finality presented to us in the 120 previous episodes. Everybody dies. That's not important though. What's important is whether or not you're able to "move on" once you're there.

I am not saying they needed to cover a laundry list of answers and just check them off. What I'm saying and what I tried to say in the previous post is that I feel they needed to at least more ambiguously connect some answered questions to each other so that it doesn't look like they simply forgot most of them. And it DOES look like that. It's my opinion, but I would venture that MOST people who watched the entirety of the show now feel like many of the mysteries weren't just not answered, but blatantly swept under the rug hoping we won't notice. My opinion. Let's address these things one by one later.

So as I mentioned in the previous post, Carlton Cuse has stated that the final image of the show is the same final image they discussed for ending the show way back in season 1. As I watched the finale I had this in my mind. So the final image is... a hugfest in a church in purgatory. Okay, fine. I especially liked that it was six seasons worth of hugging and not just one. Too bad Eko wasn't in there. I'm sure he was supposed to be, but I hear the actor doesn't want anything to do with the show, so that's a big loss (of course maybe he wasn't "ready" -- he was religious, but also a killer).

Anyway, I get the sinister feeling that the plan from season 1 wasn't to have them get off the island, then struggle to get back on, then struggle for and against the two island "deities," then split into two realities, then pick a new "Jacob," etc. BUT I do believe that they planned on ending the show in the alt-reality purgatory church. I may be a negative nellie on this one, but I think it's obvious that the creators decided very early on that the island was, indeed, purgatory, but were miffed that the fans guessed it so incredibly fast. They then thought of the sideways universe as the new purgatory and ended the show as originally planned. I guess it's not that horrible. I just can't wait for them to admit it five years from now.

I see this attitude with a more minor plot point. Is there a good reason why we don't know the Man in Black's name? It's not just that his name is a mystery, it's that nobody on the show even bothers to wonder (see, this is the under the rug sweeping I kind of mean). We learn later that Jacob and MiB are brothers. Was MiB's name going to be Esau? Seems like an apt moniker right? I think the creators never mentioned his name because they were miffed that the fans guessed it TEN MINUTES after the character was introduced.

Okay, getting into the details again. I apologize.

Actually one more detail. Did the hydrogen bomb do anything? I'm not complaining, just wondering. Did the show use the bomb as a misdirection to make us think it caused the sideways universe, but the sideways universe was actually just a perception of the afterlife? I actually sort of like that idea. That means when Juliet said "it worked" while dying in Sawyer's arms, she wasn't speaking of the hydrogen bomb working, but of their whole lives -- because she was speaking as someone who was able to find Sawyer again in death.

Anyway, the creators were smart to make the ending about the relationships of the characters rather than answering some big huge mystery. I think it's short-term smart though because the sentiment won't last and won't be as legendary as the more mysterious aspects of the show. One thing they could have tried would be to pull a 180 and pose the biggest question ever right at the end and then finish it. That may be seen as a giant "screw you" to the fans though.

So mysteries aside. It's about the characters. And that's where I think the finale really... failed.

Now on to character nit-picking. At least that's what this will be viewed as. I won't go through everyone, but I struggle a lot with the show's presentation of the "goodness" of Locke. This was the biggest answer I've been waiting for on the show for the past three years.

I'm incredibly surprised I seem to be the only one who feels this way, but the instant Locke finagled the morally-struggling John Ford to do his dirty work and kill "the real Sawyer" in order for Locke to be properly initiated into the others; my impression of the character was embittered in totality. I find this action worse than murder. I hated how Jack came to the conclusion that Locke was "right." Perhaps Locke was right in believing in the island and its importance, but Locke was dead wrong in his actions that carried out what he believed. Just believing in something doesn't validate actions. Locke was right. Ben was wrong. They were both Machiavellian in their pursuits, but Locke doesn't get a free ride for his actions just because of his thoughts.

Obviously the creators and the fans feel differently. That's too bad. It's a taint I guess I'll always see and I'll keep it with me forever I guess. If what I'm feeling was more fully illustrated in the show, I think it could have made a great point. Science and faith can BOTH be wrong when carried into the extreme. I do like the character that Jack becomes because of his faith/science struggle though. It's quite the best of both worlds plus I find the guy far more... "good" than either his past self or (of course) Locke.

I guess I've written enough. It was a great show with a good finale. Could have used more punch outs or baby-throwing, but I'm content and exhausted and sort of glad it's over so that I don't get Lost anxiety every week. Quite a ride.

Please stay-tuned to one last Lost post about what spin-offs I want to see happen.

dharma karma

2010-05-22T01:30:00.004-06:00

I don't know what I'm gonna say, but I gotta say it fast -- I gotta say it before Sunday.

I'm a huge fan and I'm about to go off. If you HAVEN'T seen all of Lost up to this point, begin watching it. Don't stop watching it until you get to the final episode of season 3. Notice I didn't say you have to watch the whole thing. Just watch to the last episode of season 3 and then you can decide if you want to commit to the rest.

Lost is finally ending. I don't wanna say "finally" though, because how can it possibly end when it's at its nonsensical peak?

Howsabout I get rid of my unanswered questions first.

Apparently it's really really hard to get to the island if you want to... yet (in order to explain Jorge Garcia's weight most likely) some plane somewhere has been dropping crates of Dharma food on the island. If Widmore really wanted to get back couldn't he just nab THAT plane?

The others had a special interest in Walt. Did they know he was a candidate? If they knew the candidates why didn't they kidnap Jack and Sawyer from the beginning?

So, the numbers... what's the deal with them? Still important? Does the universe itself still have something to do with them or has the nature of the universe drifted a bit more toward the whims of the two twin island deities?

I could quibble more, but I won't. I'll defend for just a second. As the creators have pointed out, Lost is a lot more about the questions than the answers. The questions are far more fun. Without the questions, the mystery as well as the mystique of the show would be gone and as a result, the charm.

True.

In that case, there could be dozens and dozens of unresolved questions this Sunday at 11:30 and not only would it not matter, but the show would become more legendary for maintaining its mystique long after it ended. Ideally, the show would have the best of both worlds -- a gigantic mainstream success with a cult following that will continue to discuss the Lost philosophy for years to come.

That is not the case, however.

Unfortunately, the burgeoning of questions piled onto the Lost mythology has simply made it creatively top-heavy. I'll be the first to admit that the questions are more interesting than the answers, but not when they contradict each other in hindsight -- which is what WILL happen unless they are resolved (or at least tied TOGETHER rather than just tied up).

Monday morning will come and instead of fondly discussing the questions, fans of the show will look at the inconsistencies and see sloppiness.

I know I'm coming across as a faithless first and second season Jack Shephard. Hopefully I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong. I hope Lindelof and Cuse will pull something together that doesn't necessarily answer everything, but will at least make it SEEM like the chaos is worth it to TRY to figure out.

According to Carlton Cuse, the final image they shot of the show is the same image they decided on in the first season. Maybe that's true. Even so, I'm not necessarily impressed with stretching of the plot taffy in every random direction only to bring it back to where it was already. In the process that plot taffy got real thin and picked up lots and lots of gross dust and hair on the way back home. I think that analogy made sense, don't you?

Actually the whole point of the post is for me to say something completely different. I think that the story and evolution of coming up with the story of Lost may actually be more interesting than Lost itself. I heard it best on (I think think) the Firewall and Iceberg podcast where one of the guys said something like "Can you imagine J.J. Abrams sitting at home watching the most recent episode of Lost and saying 'did I seriously CREATE this show?'"

Here's what I really want and something I'd absolutely consume to the core: I want Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to write a tell-all chronicling the history and philosophy of the show chronologically. What specific plot points were decided by fan interaction? What specific things were in place all along? What specific things were improvised? If anybody listens to them in interviews they are pretty open about many specifics, but not in the context of the completed show in hindsight. Oo! Oo! Better yet, a movie documentary filled to the brim with the executives, show runners, writers and directors. They could re-visit all their creative arguments and everything. I'd love that.

No guarantees though. They're under absolutely no obligation and... there is a mystique to maintain.

sense us, the "working"

2010-05-22T00:40:00.003-06:00

Life over the past few days have been especially hilariouser than usual. I say that as someone who is getting more and more like Cosmo Kramer every day.

Anyway, I'm taking another stab at working for money -- hence the hilarity. This time it's a temporary stint with the United States Census. I guess temporary is obvious. It's not like there's a 2011 census. Although who's the head of the census? I bet it's the cushiest job ever! Don't do anything for ten years and then count to 300 million.

Haven't done any work yet. Totally could've but they're insistent on a pretty unnecessary five-day training program. Very cool since the training program itself pays. It's a freebie (five days of freeb).

The point is, the first day of HR sexual harassment videos are definitely the best sexual harassment training videos I've ever seen. It's a total faux pas to laugh during the harassment training videos, but it was really really hard not to this time.

Speaking of HR, why do we make a point of pointing out that it's HUMAN resources? Are there more resources for non-humans? I've never heard of robot resources. Are the robots mad? Do robots get mad? Do we program robots not to get mad because they have nowhere to go in the workplace when they're harassed?

And what's up with that paragraph about this employer being an "equal opportunity employer" like they're all so super special for it? Has anyone in the past 30 years worked for an inequal opportunity employer? Why do they have to point it out so often? Is anybody seriously on the edge of their seat waiting for that announcement?

If I call you I have to stick to the script. They're SUPER strict about that. If I go off script they talk about "termination." I don't know if that means a firing or a firing squad, so don't be surprised if I pretend I don't know you.

standupping citizen

2010-05-13T23:48:00.003-06:00

Here is the result of Wiseguys open mic night. I was supposed to only go for three minutes, but I wasn't aware of the signal to get off the stage.

The "dirty" joke begins at about 1:25. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The big ignorant bit about multiple sclerosis begins at about 1:15.

I am now crossing off #91 from the big list.

soon to experience the most humiliating moment of my life

2010-05-10T02:41:00.004-06:00

In what is surely a bad idea, I've decided to take part in open mic night over at Wiseguys comedy club this coming Wednesday.

Come see me! It will be so sad!

Details:
Wiseguys. Trolley Square. Wednesday. 8pm (doors open at 6 (but seriously who's waiting in line for open mic night (I seriously don't know))). 5 bucks.

I got Zo to agree to do it too. Just come and laugh and/or pity laugh. Could really use it I think.

joe roast

2010-05-06T16:16:00.001-06:00

Been meaning to put this together for a while. Here's the heavily edited version of the Joe Evans Bachelor Party Roast.

It's quite enjoyable I think even though there's actually about 45 more minutes of footage in the real one.

steve jobs sort of accepts the gospel!

2010-04-26T20:20:00.002-06:00

For anybody interested, The Iron Rodcast is now available on iTunes.

The main page is:
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-iron-rodcast/id368396943

So write that down and then type it into a browser and then the browser will redirect you into your iTunes.

Or you can just click here.

Go ahead and subscribe! It's a good idea. Seriously. Subscribing downloads new episodes automatically to your computer so you don't have to do it yourself (it's all part of the robots taking over our free will). Then the podcast can easily be synced to your iPod or iPhone or whatever you've got. Then you listen to my nerdy nasally voice while you jog. It may not be the most adrenalizing thing to listen to while you run, but it's WAY freeer (freer? free-er?)

at least we didn't call it the godcast

2010-04-20T17:04:00.003-06:00

So even though my hand hurts, my incredibly dorky, nasally "um" emitting voice works totally fine (except that it's dorky and nasal and says "um" A LOT).

A couple of weeks ago Pete, Rhett and I decided to start another podcast but this time we decided to start one that most people we know might actually be interested in listening to.

We call it The Iron Rodcast and you can probably guess that it's an LDS-themed podcast. Pretty much most people we know are pretty hard into their LDS, so this may prove interesting for you. We pretty much talk about what we learned in Sunday School (which is always news to me since I always miss Sunday School) and then talk about something else random and religious.

We've recorded two episodes so far and iTunes doesn't recognize it yet, but you can download them all directly at ironrodcast.blogspot.com. Hey! Let us know what you think.

Pete and Rhett are of course geniuses, but at least I take comfort in knowing that I'm the good-looking one.

no hand job in the carpal tunnel of love

2010-04-20T15:42:00.003-06:00

Toward the end of last week my job as a ladder manufacturing drone came crashing down when out of nowhere I lost sensation in my right hand.

Didn't think TOO much of it until the next day when my hand was still asleep. The doctor told me i still had strength enough in my digits, so he ruled out flat-out carpal tunnel and suggested it would go away in a day or two. After three more days of nothing improving I saw him again and he gave me one of those carpal tunnel gloves that Michael Jackson wore in the "Black or White" video. He said if I still have problems in three weeks there are some expensive, wasteful nerve tests to do after that.

I really hate that the last thing I remember feeling with my good hand is a rivet gun. And I'm pretty scared that the loss of sensation and dexterity will be something I'll have to learn to live with. No doubt I'm overdramatizing. I tend to worry even though nothing bad ever happens to me. I'm constantly considerably blessed. Of course maybe that means I'm due. Here comes the anxiety.

There is a long list of stuff I've been meaning to do that will be pretty difficult to accomplish now. I should have waded through the list long ago and should be working on a new set of stuff now. Alas, the timetables have turned. The comic strip will be a little while longer and family... your Christmas presents may arrive closer to Independence Day.

In the meantime I'm wondering what job I can do that doesn't seriously involve my right hand. About the only thing I can think of is stand-up comedian. Maybe I can develop my own genre. Sure people love laughing but is there any demand to see someone just be really depressing? I bet I could do that pretty well, because I can only think of one stand-up joke --

Hey everybody! Have you ever been driving around and seen those signs that say 'Caution: Children'? What's up with that? Like I'm gonna be afraid of a few kids? I'm in a car, what are they gonna do? I mean, I'm a small guy, but I think I can handle a few children... unless there are a lot of them... like there were last week. Wow. Those kids really walloped me good. Most of them just took off too. They could have at least driven me to the hospital. I guess they're kids right? They don't have cars. I had to beg this little girl to drive me to the ER in my car. By the way, any of you people see an 8-year-old Chinese girl driving a '98 Corolla? I had to walk here. Man, I can't believe she suckered me like that! You know, come to think of it, I'm really grateful for 'Caution: Children' signs.

Anyway, that's that. My hand is numb but late last night I thought I felt some feeling coming back. Don't notice it so much today, but maybe that's just the process. We'll see.

don't not get a day job

2010-04-04T13:35:00.003-06:00

Just about everybody knows my desire to attend the Muse show tomorrow night. Since such things are no longer in my financial league, I pretty much gave up until Joe forwarded me information about the X96 design-a-Muse-poster-contest. I thought hey, what a good idea, I'll do it!

I also sent the info along to Roxy and she totally won. So that's cool.

Anyway, here's the one I did.

Here are the images I took from.

Notice that one of the items is the album cover to The Resistance, which is their recent one. I heard that much of the album is based on the novel 1984, so I tried to make the poster sort of like a propaganda type deal. Hence the wicked overuse of the "watercolor" filter. Also notice the individual hexes that have been dislodged from the original. They're supposed to be falling out of place from the big honeycomb thing. For some reason I don't think I was able to capture the falling phenomenon very well. I'm also wondering if I made the band too evil. I know for sure I should have revealed the drummer a little bit better. Maybe I should have gotten rid of the hex above his eye. And that fist! That fist is right out.

Alas...

ward aladdin movie

2010-03-23T00:15:00.002-06:00

So the stake had this big film festival tonight (whoops, past midnight -- I guess yesterday). We found out about it a month ago and it was the bright idea of Roxy to do an Aladdin silent movie.

The ward gathered to film a week ago and then Roxy and I spent the weekend putting the thing together. Roxy drew ALL the backgrounds and also the rocks, clouds, lightning, cage, the palace, etc. Pretty darn cool. I envy her.

I must say the movie did turn out well, but there's a reason filmy people use a GREEN screen rather than a RED screen. People are a little more red, so sometimes the chroma keyer totally makes film subjects' skin disappear. Freaky looking indeed.

Anyway, as usual all involved were incredibly good sports and consummate professionals while I had a steady series of anxiety attacks.

Roxy put together the great credits sequence because so many people helped, but only five of them got any screen time. So the kudos are deserved. It was also her idea to give the villain a weird lisp -- which if anybody thinks is too un-PC... it was her idea.

Probably the biggest laugh we got during the screening was when Kathleen says her name is "Badroulbadour." As usual the biggest laugh from one of my little videos comes from a non-joke. According to Wikipedia anyway, that's the actual name of the princess in the story.

Anyway, it was waaaaay fun for me to really experiment with some stuff I haven't really gotten my hands dirty with like the chroma keying and also animation and split screen. So fun!

And thanks everyone who helped out! It's amazing how cool people are to do that.

bachelor party for joe evans! woooooo!

2010-03-20T14:45:00.002-06:00

Actually, I'm not usually the kind of guy who yells "woooooo!"

Anyway, the bachelor party is TONIGHT since Joe's getting married... next week? Holy cow.

The festivities include a ROAST of the guy, which should be pretty good. The guy is living comedic material. We're going to broadcast the roast live through this thing called the INTERNET at about 7:00 I think.

Here's the live webcam Ustream link:
http://www.ustream.tv/channel/thejonblogcam

Mom, just so you know, your computer may have a hard time with the live video.

I realizing I'm capitalizing my letters a lot this post, but this is a one-time event.

If you're too lazy to click on the above link, I'll try to embed the Ustream live window and the chat box below:

Live TV : Ustream

my chemical salad

2010-03-10T08:53:00.002-07:00

I'm only now realizing that I've fallen into a sort of "bad crowd." Mom always warned me to stay away from substance abusers. Despite her warnings, MOST of the people I hang around these days are diet soda drinkers.

Despite my protests, they're a determined lot. For years I've asked why they insist on the consumption. Usually the response is -- "Hey, let me be healthy! Not everyone has your metabolism you know!"

My obvious response is something like -- Hey! It's gross. It's not pleasurable. WATER tastes better. Not just that, but there's something in diet drinks that makes me ill. I think I sort of finally understand what Maria always used to tell me about Chinese food (that it gave her a headache and made her feel gross). If I chug a diet drink I get a serious headache. The stuff has a far negativer effect on me than mere sugar. Of course there is an outside chance that since everything I eat is sugar I'm having a weird reaction to NOT eating sugar, but I really don't think that's likely.

Anyway, I'm noticing this weird effect more and more because sometimes at crazy parties I accidentally partake in someone else's stash.

I have to bring all this up because late last night I ate a five-quart fruit bowl prepared by treatmaster Cousin Jen. She goes nuts with the treats and it was my secondary fuel for our mid-week Gears of War gamenight (primary fuel: Charlie Chow noodles). The fruit bowl was absolute ambrosia and shortly before I asked how she made it I began to notice a headache forming in my skull. Then she revealed the ingredients: fruit marinated in lime and sweetened with Splenda (TM).

Splenda? Despite my gratitude of the fruit salad's deliciousness, I couldn't help but whine to her a bit. I mean this is the woman who eats an entire package of Dots AND an entire package of Peanut Butter M&Ms AND an entire package of green sugar rings every single time I see her.

I say all this because we finished playing around 2 AM. Check when this post was posted. I STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO BED. I went home exhausted, hurty and brittle -- but sleep completely escaped me. I only had two Mountain Dews. I blame the chemical salad.

This whole scenario is alarming to me -- not because I ate something containing Splenda and didn't realize it, but for the first time, I ENJOYED something containing Splenda. This may be my gateway, I don't know. Just to be sure, though, I asked Jen to prepare the chemical salad with Mountain Dew rather than Splenda next time around.

jon demand xiv: the 82nd annual oscar picks

2010-03-05T12:47:00.002-07:00

Alright, so I had BIG plans to put text up showing all the nominees AND throw in some clips of some of the actors actually acting and stuff, but I somehow ran out of time and resources. I need all you people to see this before you leave work on Friday! I'm on deadline!

I'm watching the Oscars at my house on Sunday. If you'd like to join me you can, but this isn't a party or anything. I just love the Oscars and it's awesome to watch them with people who like watching them. If you do join me for the viewing please bring some munchies. And also make your munchies relatable to somehow to the Academy Award nominees this year. For example: you can bring blue nerds to commemorate Avatar or you can bring a "hurt locker" full of doritos.

Oh, and also bring us some refrigerator magnets.

treading through old age just fine

2010-03-05T12:33:00.002-07:00

So my birthday party was a week ago today and I think I mentioned this on Twitter, but not here: I had a wonderful wonderful time!

Seriously, even though I'm probably too old to get gifts now, I can't believe how come through-able my friends totally are. The cards, the treats, the stuff I asked for that I didn't think I was gonna get but did anyway -- wow. Seriously.

The next day (my birthday) I spent time with the fam. That was awesome too. Low-key cooling down. Actually, the BYU game didn't help much -- but the dinner at Tucano's did. Bye bye belt!

Jon Demand XIII

2010-02-23T03:22:00.001-07:00

Everyone remember my birthday party is Friday night at 8:10.

v.d. 2010

2010-02-14T00:55:00.002-07:00

Oh crap is it Valentine's Day again already?

On Friday I attended Nick and Blair's wedding reception. Quite lovely. Quite! I made the mistake of chatting with friends for the first 45 minutes before finding the chicken sandwiches I heard were scrumptious. Catering took away the sandwiches by the time I got there. I was able to make the cake. It was very very good -- as was the candy bar. They had jelly bellies. I was really depending on those chicken sandwiches though. I hadn't had dinner.

All this weekend I've been packing in the candy. More than Halloween weekend. I love Valentine's candy, but it's made me weak and dizzy. I can't get enough of the sweetness, but the goodness that comes from the chicken sandwich would have been nice.

It's easy to want the sugar -- and it's easy to get. The nutrition is harder in both respects.

It's weird that Valentine's Day is back and I'm noticing all the sugar involved in the holiday. Is the sugar for all us people who don't have our chicken sandwich? Silly us. We should know that we don't deserve all that sugar -- and we ought to realize that we need to get there early for the chicken. Also, the chicken needs to be tended to. It's not just there for our wants -- only sugar does that (okay, the metaphor isn't making any sense anymore, I know).

Anyway, kudos to Nick and Blair for finding the chicken sandwich -- and so early in the weekend too!

Here is a video that better expresses everything I understand about love. It's a book trailer (yes, they make BOOK trailers now!) for some book called When the Bough Breaks (I think). It gets ESPECIALLY interesting at about 2:12.

Hmmm. That bad guy probably shouldn't have worn a hat with his name on it that day.

the big list!

2010-02-09T23:36:00.007-07:00

Here is the list of 100 things I hope to do before I die. Perhaps by publishing it publicly I'll get help in achieving these things.

I don't wanna call it a bucket list. I started making this list a while before the movie came out. Plus, who's to say I can't get completely through this list and then make another list of 100 items before I die?

There are some obvious things that aren't on the list. For example: get married to the right person, spend quality time with my children, don't go to prison, etc. This list isn't the obvious. It's the extra-curricular -- yet still quite important to me.

I started making this list a few years ago, so SINCE I've started it, there have been a couple of things I've been able to check off. Checked off Items are identified by the ~~strikethrough~~. For certain objectives, where applicable, I've tried to provide an explanation and/or proof of completion in the form of link, video, audio or picture.

Every few months I'll re-post to show how we're doing.

I also reserve the right to take off dumb things from the list and replace them with cooler things.

~~1. I will successfully Double Dutch~~

~~2. I will participate in a table top role-playing game.~~
3. I will publish a novel.

4. I will publish a comic book.

5. I will visit the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam.

6. I will visit the Ginza of Tokyo.

7. I will appear on Jeopardy!

8. I will visit the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul.

9. I will record a pop song.

10. I will build a couch to my specifications.

11. I will eat four raw eggs when I wake up.

12. I will sell a painting of my own.

~~13. I will participate in the production of a feature-length movie.~~
EDIT: I will become an entry on IMDb.

14. I will ~~meet the members of ABBA~~ go on a date with Sheri Dew.

15. I will meet the members of Depeche Mode.

16. I will thwart a supervillain's plans.

17. I will see The White Stripes perform live.

18. I will visit Ancient Mycinae and gaze upon the face of Agamemnon.

19. I will read Ulysses by James Joyce.

20. I will name a sandwich.

21. I will win a game show (maybe not necessarily Jeopardy! but a game show nonetheless).

22. I will develop a video game

23. I will visit Sweden and meet a lovely native.

24. I will write a New York Times crossword puzzle.

25. I will eat everything on the Mimi's Cafe menu.

26. I will do 30 pull-ups in a row.

27. I will stay awake for 50 hours.

28. I will attend a bar-mitzvah.

29. I will juggle four objects.

30. I will longboard one mile.

31. I will solve a Friday New York Times crossword puzzle.

32. I will travel the length of historic Route 66.

~~33. I will participate in the Star Trek Experience at the Las Vegas Hilton.~~

34. I will watch every one of the AFI top 100 movies.

35. I will get to the hidden screen on the Commodore 64 game Space Taxi.
I haven't actually watched the following video yet, but it might show the mystery screen. Don't tell me what the mystery screen is... yet.

36. I will go through an average day completely without sight.

37. I will throw something into lava.

38. I will ride a unicycle.

~~39. I will get those weird things off my foot.~~

40. I will clean out my Yahoo email.

41. I will beat Mark Browning at tennis.

42. I will Karate Kid crane kick a guy (or girl).

43. I will make a movie with an exploding car/building where a character is walking toward the camera in slow motion.

44. I will read the first 500 issues of Uncanny X-men.

45. I will Heely the length of the Broadway Theatre parking lot.

46. I will attend a taping of Saturday Night Live.

47. I will convince someone that I'm a time traveler -- preferably after actually traveling through time.

48. I will hotwire a car or motorcycle and drive off.

49. I will attend a Star Trek convention.

50. I will complete the Ninja Warrior obstacle course.

51. I will eradicate the phrase "that was two hours I'll never get back" from society.

52. I will fly a plane (helicopter probably counts).

53. I will prove that it's possible to truthfully say "I am an extremely humble person."

54. I will lie on a bed of nails.

55. I will perfect the moonwalk.

56. I will run onto a football field after (or during) a game.

57. I will deep-fry a turkey.

58. I will defeat someone in a quick-draw gun duel.

59. I will play keytar in a band performance.

60. I will recover a small animal and care for it in a shoebox until it is well and can be released into the wild again.

61. I will use a defibrillator on someone.

62. I will lob a live grenade.

63. I will have a conversation in Klingon.

64. I will go scuba diving.

65. I will get slapped for being cheekily inappropriate.

66. I will play through all the Forgotten Realms Gold Box video games.

67. I will hang from the skids of a helicopter.

68. I will score a musical piece using a theramin.

69. I will figure out how to tie a bow tie.

70. I will discover a significant astronomical object.

71. I will dunk a ball on a regulation hoop (can be a tennis ball).

72. I will DJ an event using turntables.

73. I will transcribe the entire Book of Mormon.

74. I will find out what's underneath Cobra Commander's mask.

~~75. I will finish reading an entire book while inside the Barnes and Noble.~~

76. I will eat with chopsticks better than with a fork.

77. I will cut a baseball in half with a samurai sword.

78. I will barge in and stop a wedding.

79. I will tie bedsheets together and climb out a window.

80. I will eat so much sushi I throw up.

81. I will write a believable television show script.

82. I will LARP.

83. I will see someone's pants get sucked into the top of an escalator.

84. I will win some kind of public election.

85. I will meet a celebrity I don't like and tell them what I think of their work.

86. I will find a four-leaf clover.

87. I will talk on one of those prison phones where you see the other guy through the glass.

88. I will don a Darth Vader costume.

89. I will become an entry on Wikipedia.

90. A girl will sing "Midnight" by Yaz to me.

~~91. I will perform my stand-up routine.~~

92. I will achieve weightlessness.

93. I will figure out the Rubik's Cube pattern.

94. I will become mostly vegetarian (I'll still eat fish -- Jesus liked fish).

95. I will grow a mohawk.

~~96. Someone from all 50 states will view my blog.~~
C'mon ~~Alaska~~ and ~~Delaware~~! C'MON!!!

~~97. I will sport a mullett.~~

98. I will be able to put all of my worldly possessions into my '98 Toyota Corolla.

99. I will karaoke "Father Figure" by George Michael.

100. I will give my daughters middle names.

groundhog day post #3

2010-02-02T18:11:00.001-07:00

Wait a second! I've seen A Serious Man! I must've gotten it mixed up with A Single Man. Cool. Well, that's one more movie I don't need to see.

Groundhog Day Post #2

2010-02-02T10:52:00.002-07:00

Okay, I finally remembered the third thing! Today the video game Star Trek Online is released. I can understand why I didn't remember since I have sort of a spit-personality when it comes to my online self. I guess that shows how screwed up I am. Most people have split personalities in real life. Anyway, I probably sub-consciously figured that such information would be more useful on the Star Trek blog and podcast.

Anyway, I probably won't get the game. At least for now. I've never played any of those role-playing games with all the other people online (read: World of Warcraft). I hear they're fun, but it's one more monthly fee I certainly can and need to live without. Perhaps later.

Anyway, the Oscars were announced.

It pretty much went how I thought. Morgan Freeman was foolish to think Invictus was one of the ten best movies of the year. Would've been nice if Star Trek made the list for best picture. Maybe they could've bumped The Blind Side, An Education, A Serious Man or even that other sci-fi movie District 9. Oh well though. Actually, I also was hoping to see (500) Days of Summer on the list too. Dang. Maybe it was only eligible for last year because it wasn't nominated for anything else.

Of course the movies of former married couple of Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron (The Hurt Locker and Avatar) were each nominated for nine. Oooooh! I hope there are lots of snarky comments in whosever acceptance speech.

Anyway, now begins my push to see all the major Oscar movies before the ceremony. Still need to see The Blind Side, A Serious Man, Crazy Heart, The Last Station and foremost Up in the Air. Has anybody heard of the movie The Secret of Kells? It's nominated in the animated category. Hmm. I bet it's avant-garde and unique.

Punxutawny Phil said more winter. Okay, let's watch this. I don't think he'll be right. In fact, I think the rodent is just messing with us.

Lost hasn't happened yet.

the best groundhog day ever!

2010-02-02T04:05:00.002-07:00

So this year the Oscar nominations are happening on Groundhog Day.

The big deal this year is that there are ten movies nominated for best picture instead of just five. It could cause problems. People may vote for more of their personal favorites instead of what they find obvious and the splintering could cause a mediocre title to get the prize. Also, people complain about how long the ceremony goes -- honoring twice as many movies for the most important award surely won't make things go quicklyer.

Still though, the previews of the best picture nominees are one of my favorite things about the ceremony. If it's longer because of more clips, I won't be disappointed at all. Also it will be exciting to see some of my favorite movies get nominated. If there weren't ten, I doubt both Inglourious Basterds and Up would get that sort of credit, but I think there's a good chance it'll happen for both.

The other big thing is that Kathryn Bigelow is a shoe-in for a nomination for best director. Most people who bet on these sorts of things say she's the hands-down favorite for winning the whole thing. If that's the case, hopefully James Cameron, her ex-husband, will be nominated too so that she can shove the Oscar right in his face. Actually, I guess it would be an even bigger burn if he wasn't even nominated, but surely he will be.

Okay, so we also got Lost premiering its final season on Groundhog Day.

The last season was probably my least favorite, even though its really bizarre time travel ruckus was quite popular with people less geeky than I. Good for them.

I simply don't know what to say about it now though. The hydrogen bomb blew up last season, right? I guess conceivably they could end the story and in a gigantic "screw you" to the audience they could just introduce new characters and tell a completely different story for their contractually guaranteed final season.

This I'll promise you: we will not be satisfied with the final episode of Lost. If the last 14 episodes is just Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse sitting in a chair explaining in detail all the questions, there still wouldn't be enough time to make sense of everything and wrap it all up. We'll see what happens in the premier though.

I swear there's something else that needs to be mentioned -- besides Punxutawney Phil. Speaking of Phil though, I never take notice of what the groundhog sees. Has anybody noticed if Punxutawney Phil has been averaging above .500 on his predictions? I'd like to know.

Anyway, Joe tells me February 2nd is also Super Bowl Media Day. That's true, but I don't think it's what I'm thinking of (go Indianapolis btw). I think it's more of a real-life kind of thing. If you think of it, tell me.

i saw the decade in when it seemed the world could change at the blink of an eye

2010-01-21T18:01:00.005-07:00

The above Bloom County cartoon appeared in newspapers at the beginning of the 80s. I guess now that we're starting a new decade it popped into my head. Most Bloom County books are out of print, but fortunately a new collection has just been published. I was able to painstakingly and suspiciously photograph the cartoon while in the bookstore. Anyway, I like this particular comic especially in the context that it was predicting how the future decade would be.

I've noticed that the beginnings of decades tend to be far more interesting than the ends.

Let's look at the beginnings of the three decades I've lived through.

1980 was an incredible year. My two favorite movies came out: Flash Gordon and The Empire Strikes Back. Also, The Shining came out which is one of only five movies that scares me.

Musically, New Wave in 1980 was in full swing as a sort of pop mutation of punk. New Wave had a very specific look and attitude that was very missing from the more polished second half of the 80s. I think the fact that New Wave happened at the beginning of the decade was no coincidence. A new decade is almost like a frontier to explore. At the beginning of the 80s we were threatened by nuclear war so lots of the music I think tried to advance to the future faster than was necessary. That's why lots of the 80s is remembered for cheesy futuristic synths and space-age looks. We laugh at that kind of stuff now, but at the time (and I remember!) the 80s were awesome. It WAS like living in the future even though everything about the 80s is extremely dated now. It wasn't SO much fun in the second half of the decade though. A little stale I suppose.

Anyway, then the 90s came. The title of this post is from a song lyric from the early 90s. Remember the song? I got the lyrics from one of my favorite sites called songmeanings.net. At the site, beneath the lyrics to songs people can comment on what the song means to them. Green Day and Fallout Boy have hundreds of comments to most of their songs. The song that the title of this post stemmed from though? Only four comments. It was the band's most popular song and IT WAS HUGE at the time. Why only four comments for a song I remember as being popular? I think it's because the song didn't come to represent what 90s music is traditionally remembered for. The comment section for Nirvana has a hundred times more posts.

Okay, that took forever to say. Anyway, grunge was big in the 90s, which is weird because what did we have to feel bad about in the 90s? Communism was dead and people weren't flying planes in buildings yet. It's almost like there was an insecurity in security. Grunge stopped being big on April 5, 1994. The second half of the decade wasn't nearly as defined or interesting. Grunge started the decade revolution in the early days and Nu Metal let the revolution wind down in the later days.

The '00s are harder for me to define. All I know is that at the beginning of the decade people bought cds and at the end they didn't. Maybe it was too recent or maybe I'm just too old and I don't know what you kids listen to anymore.

The point is that there is an energy that comes at the beginnings of decades that is palpably exciting. This energy yielded True Colours by Split Enz in 1980, Badmotorfinger by Soundgarden in 1991 and De Stijl by The White Stripes in 2000.

The 80s had a futurist kind of energy. The 90s had a cynical kind of energy. So now the question is what is the energy that happens in the next decade?

Here is the very strange new Domino's Pizza promotional campaign called "The Pizza Turnaround":

Okay weird right? When I first started seeing the new Domino's commercials I laughed out loud because they were actually ADMITTING that their pizzas were crap. Of course all the rest of us already knew this. I never understood how Domino's kept in business. Best I can guess it's from all the people who buy pizza for a party who for some reason don't actually participate in the eating of the pizza.

But then I got to thinking: wouldn't it be great if I don't have to NOT eat Domino's Pizza anymore? If whenever I got free pizza at an event that I snuck into and someone was gracious enough to give me free pizza I didn't give them a dirty look?

I'm excited for Domino's. I'm excited for the new decade. I like to think that maybe this decade will have some kind of "positive honest energy." It will be nice. I envy kids today. While i was growing up in the 90s we were conditioned to scoff at things and take things ironically. I think the new energy will be free of cynicism. It'll be cool -- at least for four or five years.

the top 50 movies of the decade!

2009-12-30T14:02:00.004-07:00

As I'm typing this I'm rolling with the waves of the Carnival cruise ship Elation. It's about 75 cents a minute, so I don't think I'm going to finish this list before the new decade begins. However, since I'm starting this post on the 30th (I think that's today), it should pop up as my final post of the 2000s.

I've noticed on Twitter lately that people are sick of lists. I can't get enough of them, obviously. Plus the decade thing only happens maybe seven or eight times in a lifetime, so I seriously have a sense of duty to make a list such as this one. Here we go, get ready to disagree:

50. The Wrestler
This movie totally validated my fear that professional wrestlers are people too. Hey, just because it's fake it doesn't mean it's not obliterating bodies and breaking up families!

49. The Hurt Locker
Here's actually the first movie ever to use pretty severe shaky-cam (where the camera itself isn't a character) that didn't bug me. In fact, it was a terribly effective use of it. Way to make a good war movie focusing on individual psychology.

48. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
I wasn't actually a super big fan of the Lord of the Rings movies, but some mention needs to be made of their achievement. I think the first one was far better than the other ones. Far less WETA-oriented. The CGI came a long way with these films but it was way toned down in Fellowship and was far more immersive for me. Plus, there was this incredible forest tracking shot in the end that was quite breathtaking.

47. Meet the Parents
I told my mom and soon-to-be stepdad to see this one and it nearly derailed the wedding. Nevertheless I think this movie really birthed the decade's trademarked method of "awkward" humor. Of course I'm WAY sick of that humor type now.

46. Memento
Ehcysp eht sa llew sa dlrow eht ot liated gnitaicurcxe htiw taht riap. Dekrow taht kcimmig a s'ti.

45. Juno
Had a lot of fun with the "food baby" quoting for a good while, but I didn't really appreciate how well it was written until Maria and I discovered that we saw the characters in two completely different ways depending on our points of view.

44. School of Rock
I'm not a Jack Black hater, but he can be used wrong. I think he was used correctly here -- a manic high voltage humor dynamo with a sweet amount of heart. Plus, what better messenger to bring the message of the exhilaration that comes with rock 'n roll to children?

43. Serenity
Personally, I like the television show more, but the movie fleshed out lots of stuff I wanted to know from the series. If you don't think a science fiction movie with a huge branch in the old west cowboy genre can be cool, you're wrong. You may just need to face a fact you never considered -- you yourself may not be cool.

42. The Fast and the Furious
Didn't think I'd love this movie much, but somehow it got hold of every speck of what little frat-boy, fast cars, loose women aspects in me and totally fired on all cylinders.

41. Casino Royale
Hey, I love most all James Bond movies, but the gritty reboot made me actually look forward to 20 more.

40. Watchmen
I would have liked the director to have taken more chances, but this thing is a fine fine adaptation of my favorite graphic novel. Sometimes a flipbook set of photocopies based on a wonderful painting can offer its own form of exhilaration.

39. No Country for Old Men
There is a reason why movie makers don't take chances with storytelling conventions and plot structure. They work. Why mess with them? The result might not work. This one worked though. Oh man it worked.

38. Grindhouse
This is technically two movies, but the experience was pretty sweet. Too bad I saw a mall theater on a Thursday night with five other five people instead of at midnight in a seedy theater packed with miscreant scum.

37. Hellboy
I came into this superhero movie late. Saw it on dvd last year I believe. Loved it though. Loved that world. Sort of pulpy like Indiana Jones with some new-school comic supernatural irony thrown in.

36. The Royal Tenenbaums
Lots of fans of Wes Anderson consider this one his weakest. I think it's the only one worth watching at all and the one that actually sorta touched me.

35. High Fidelity
Obsessing over girls. Obsessing over music. Obsessing over lists. I like this movie.

34. The Departed
What a wonderful combination of good guys vs. bad guys but from both sides and with good and bad totally blurred for us and for the characters. Plus Marky Mark is freaking amazing.

33. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
You may not have heard of this, but the story is told through the single eye of a guy completely paralyzed. We see his vision and his memories and it's stunningly beautiful.

32. Austin Powers in Goldmember
I know this seems a little lowbrow, but I liked the third Austin Powers movie was 20 times more hilarious than the other two. "There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch."

31. 24 Hour Party People
This sort of has a documentary feel to it, but is mostly acted out like a mockumentary -- even though the events actually happened. Sometimes they break a few rules -- like sort of a surreal-umentary. Anyway, this is the story of Factory Records -- the record company in Manchester in the 70s and 80s. Amazing music: Joy Division, Happy Mondays and eventually New Order. One of the reasons I want a time machine is to visit that era and location.

30. Pieces of April
Best Thanksgiving movie ever. Makes me cry and believe in family.

29. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Best book. Best movie. Easy. Suddenly, amazingly Harry Potter's world seemed believable. Plus I totally dig the unique play on introducing the new character with questionable actions through the entire movie -- keeping the main characters, and us, in the dark.

28. Training Day
Not even close to a horror movie, but may have been one of the scariest movies I've EVER seen. That scene in the bathtub? Yikes. Remember how there was a big fuss about Denzel beating Russel Crowe for A Beautiful Mind that year? Pffft. No question. Denzel was all over this. King Kong's got nothing on him.

27. New York Doll
How very strange. Here's a Mormon movie that actually sorta touched me a little. Watch it if you haven't. I think you'll be surprised. Excellent rock lesson too.

26. Star Trek
Obviously this is on the list. I mean, I run a Star Trek podcast for cryin' out loud. I'll just say that I'm glad they took a few chances with this one. Different direction, but they definitely CARED about it. Surprisingly this thing had a bunch of the same writers for the new Transformers movies. They royally screwed up what was my entire life from 1984 to 1987, but at least I still got Star Trek carryin' on.

25. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Can I use the word legendary? I actually mean it like I got the feeling that the tale truly was a legend -- even though I had just heard it (and I'm pretty sure it's not centuries old or anything (although I did do a quick internet search and discovered that the author of the book it's based on died in 1977 -- so there's a chance the story is almost 100 years old)). Anyway, out of all the movies on my list, this is the easiest one to use the word beautiful on. It's like dancing perfectly with the most beautiful person to the most beautiful music.

24. The Fall
Okay, maybe I spoke too soon on doling out the official beautiful ranking. This sucker's just about the most visually arresting thing I've ever seen. Much thanks to Lucia for being my supplier for this one.

23. The King of Kong
This may be one of the most entertaining documentaries I've ever seen. It's about two guys playing video games, but it's strangely accessible even to people who consider the subjects complete losers. The doc somehow goes beyond that. Even if you have a life, you can't help but cheer on Steve and boo and hiss Billy.

22. Match Point
Quite effective. Here's an intriguing Woody Allen movie. Half the people I know would never think of seeing one of his films (and never ever will), but if his name weren't in the credits for this one they'd never even know it was him. The film is slow and long (his longest), but it's an amazing subtle whirlpool of descent.

21. Slumdog Millionaire
I'll use the word beautiful again -- even the poverty was beautiful in that it was beautifully captured (and thus more poignant). Hey we all saw this. We all cheered.

20. Love Actually
Would you believe I just saw this for the first time like a month ago? Not a moment too soon either. Way to cram romance in as another necessary theme of Christmas! Mission accomplished!

19. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
I actually don't always like Charlie Kauffman's writing. This one though was tremendous to me. A love story about hurt and purging -- and the knowledge that just forgetting about things doesn't erase their existence.

18. Role Models
As the decade wore on humor became more and more about cynicism and irony. This movie began a welcome trend to reverse that. Yes it's absolutely hilarious. Yes it's dirty. But, in the end it's absolutely feel good. Can you imagine the restraint of not taking cheap shots at Larpers?

17. (500) Days of Summer
This is sort of a guys' chick flick. It's a story that needed to be told. We've all been there and it was simply so lucid to see it played out. Plus, I heard that they purposely used a blue filter to film with to bring out Zooey Deschanel's eyes. Zowie.

16. Inglourious Basterds
In a lot of ways this may be Tarantino's most accessible film. Surely it's the most linear. Personally I think the guy's desired themes are far more structured nowdays -- and well layered underneath the mounds of dialogue. I think this is one we'll be talking about years from now and what the thing is actually saying (after we cool down from that crazy Nazi butt-kicking sequence at the end).

15. The Dark Knight
Who would have thought that Jack Nicholson's amazing game-changing interpretation of The Joker would be so amazingly replaced by Heath Ledger's? Thank goodness such a creature can only exist in films and in our nightmares (I mean think about it -- the guy's most cherished value is anarchy, randomness and chaos, but there's no chance he'd be able to pull off what he accomplishes in the movie without the most meticulous and ordered series of events ever). Anyway, we also get a great fleshing of character in Commissioner Gordon. Plus, the story arc and the rising/falling character progression is really all about Harvey Dent. Such a wonderful crowd of characterization in a tense, lively action movie! Oh yeah, also Batman's in it.

14. The Incredibles
Here's when I think Pixar really started flying off the rails out of wonderful children's whimsy and into something wonderfuller. Although it's still obviously cute I really took this movie seriously as a comic-action movie. I could tell the folks knew their superhero lore too. Combination of Watchmen and Fantastic Four and better than both (at least film-wise).

13. Unbreakable
Another superhero movie. I found this to be a fascinating exploration of pre-heroism psychology if that makes any sense. Here's a guy who doesn't even really know he's a hero. I think he doesn't even know he's a good guy. It certainly works both ways.

12. Moulin Rouge!
A straight up musical that utilizes every edge and weight of classic pop songs. Confession. I never heard "Your Song" by Elton John until I saw this. How did that happen? I blame the world. How is it possible that I never heard that song until I saw Moulin Rouge? Now that and 20 other songs I'll fondly remember that song and 20 others as a part of this wonderful heart-breaking love story.

11. X2
Another superhero movie. Lame title aside, this might be my favorite superhero movie. Perhaps it doesn't hurt that I own the first 500 issues of Uncanny X-Men. Nightcrawler is one of my favorite characters of anything ever. Also a clincher -- just when I thought they'd play it safe, Wolverine gets out his claws and just goes nuts on some U.S. soldiers. Take that Comics Code Authority!

10. The Ring
I was entertained all throughout, but it wasn't until I got home at one in the morning that night that I realized that The Ring was the only horror movie all decade that legitimately scared me.

9. The Prestige
Too bad there aren't more summer movies like this one. Not an action movie, but a grand fantastical period piece about extreme obsession in science and magic. The conflict is threaded together with a half dozen dualities. Fact and fiction all twisted together into science and illusion. This type of speculative fiction is what movies were made for.

8. Shaun of the Dead
Much thanks to Jen for lending me this gem last year. Since then, I've seen it three more times. Lemme just mention something about Edgar Wright. I think for most people comedy is simply writing. Tell some joke. Make people laugh. Wright is a meticulous master of comedic directing. It's the attention to detail, the timing and the realism of his direction that makes this comedy so funny and not just jokes.

7. Donnie Darko
I love this movie with very little defense for it. When people tell me they hate it, and then explain why, I'm forced to agree. It doesn't make much sense. It's easy to make fun of. I just enjoy watching it so much though. It's a strange nonsensical world that I just immerse myself in. It's like having a weird dream and then talking about it as fast as you can before you forget it. Killer soundtrack helps. Opening shot to the sounds of Echo and the Bunnymen puts a smile on my face right from the beginning.

6. Mean Girls
It is so fetch!

5. Kill Bill Vol. 2
Lots of people liked this one more than volume 1 more. With good reason I think. Very well put together. The fight with Ellie in the trailer is amazing/rockin'/funny. Plus, the confrontation combined with the complexities of... actually I better not talk about it if you haven't seen volume 1.

4. Once
I don't tend to like the type of music in this movie, but seeing these non-actors earnestly tell this amazingly simple story through the music is simply elating. Can't even explain it in words. I wish I could in music. Can't carry a tune though.

3. Kill Bill Vol. 1
This movie was an absolute gateway. After I saw this movie I fell in love with movies. Before this one I considered movies just enjoyable. Now movies are storytelling devices of infinite potential. Somehow, all the crazy elements: choreography, dialogue, music, editing, camerawork -- all of it came together, supplanted their own cheesiness, and created one of the grooviest experiences of my existence.

2. Wall-E
Maybe I'm ranking it a bit high, but once again kudos to Pixar for not just making a cartoon. I found it a great science fiction story. Also, a lot of weight is put on love stories with that killer, snappy dialogue -- as if it's the words that are so important in love. Hey, here's a wonderful love story that shows rather than tells.

1. Hot Rod
Okay okay okay. This is NOT the best movie of the decade. I had to pick something though so I may as well pick the movie I've seen the most times. Also it's a movie that I own and I think I know more people who own it than just about any other movie. Plus, it's a movie where, on more than one occasion during the decade, I demanded that we watch it IMMEDIATELY upon discovering that someone in the room hadn't seen it. Also, it's got the best seen it-to-loved it ratio than any movie I know. Thanks Hot Rod! My friends and I enjoyed all 23 times we watched you!

airing of grievances '09

2009-12-24T00:24:00.004-07:00

I hope everyone had a pleasant Festivus today.

Light switches are still horrible. What gives with half of all bathroom light switches being OUTSIDE the bathroom? Who thought this was a good idea? Why is it constantly the case with bathrooms? Is it because it's easy to mess someone up from the outside of the bathroom? Is the reason just to play jokes on people? Also, my room has two light switches and they suck. First, "on" is "down" which is the opposite of how it should be, unless it's the southern hemisphere. Secondly, if I use one switch to turn the light off, I can't use the other one to turn the light on. I can use either to turn off, but once I do I'm committed. That's wrong.

I hate it when people see a movie and then say "well that's two hours I'll never get back!" as if they would have been doing charity work during that time or something. Good movie or bad movie, it's still sitting in a chair for two hours and you'll still live your life the same during and after. I love movies more than any other person on the planet, but I'm not sorry if you expected something truly life-changing. Plus, in this age we tend to love hating more than we love loving anyway.

Who invented the cd? I hate that Japanese guy (or jyo sei). For the most part, cds are okay, but it was a bad decision to have no protective built-in case for them. Remember floppy disks? They were housed in plastic and only a tiny portion was vulnerable. Now, cds have begotten dvds. The entire bottom surface gets scratched and dirty right when they're opened. "Hey, thanks for the dvd! Whoops! I dropped it. Now it doesn't play. Guess I'll just hit up Best Buy for another one!" I love Netflix, but everybody who watches the movies before I do doesn't care about my viewing experience. They're scratched to kingdom come so there is ALWAYS a scene I miss, especially when I watch them on the 360.

The Xbox 360 is horrible. I like it because there's one in my house and I can get Netflix streaming on it and there's Gears of War on it, but it's horrible. Half of them fail. Thank all heaven Microsoft isn't in the life-saving business.

(I'm eternally grateful our 360 hasn't failed.)

Daniel Faraday is a douchebag. First there's no chance to change the past, so why even try? Then, he suddenly realizes that when you go back in time, you become a variable to change the past. Have you never seen Back to the Future Faraday? We're counting on you to establish the rules. Don't make us think the writers are just making it up as they go. Okay, we know they are, but at least make it LOOK like they're not.

Persephone! Why did you eat those damned pomegranate seeds?

Hey Kevin Smith and Wes Anderson! I don't think you're very funny. I think you should stop being so sure of yourselves. You disappoint me.

Samus Aran, your alien power suit is no match for that one part of Metroid Prime that I can't get past. You know, with the guys with the dragonfly wings and you're supposed to knock out two separate generators and call in and air strike or something? Anyway, I've been stuck on that part for TWO FREAKING YEARS!

Twitter, the site is stupid for making me go way back in the archives to find the tweets I've missed. Listen Twitter. When I login, just give me an entire facing page of all the Tweets that have happened since I last logged in. It's very difficult to figure out when I'm away from my TweetDeck.

TweetDeck, you suck too. Sometimes I miss tweets because you only show the tweets that have occured since you've last been opened. It all starts over when I reboot or something. If I turn off the computer I have to make sure TweetDeck is all red and I hate being tied down like that.

High ceilings, you're not that cool! It just makes it hard for me to change light bulbs and put up the mistletoe.

Mistletoe! Why do I put you up every year? Do you work? No. In fact is there any other decoration that actually DISCOURAGES casual smooching more? NO!!!

J.J. Abrams, you're horrible for massifying Star Trek. Well, actually it's not that bad, but I still sort of prefer the good 'ol days.

Peter Nash and Joey Smith, you're in the list of grievances because somehow, SOMEHOW you're way bigger Star Trek dorks than I could ever hope to be.

I hate people who think they're being cute with me when they really aren't. Be cute. Just don't be cute with me. I may just want to smack you.

I hate Zooey Deschanel for looking hot ROUND THE CLOCK and for making me angry at girls because they get to wear dresses.

Read past airings of grievances:

2006

2007

2008

christmas to you (if you do what i say)!

2009-12-23T01:51:00.002-07:00

I've said this on Twitter and Facebook already, so I'll say it here now.

I want to give you a Christmas present. It's small, but heartfelt. I just need from you -- your favorite movie. That's it. Don't stress about it. If you don't want to give me your favorite movie, just give me one you really like.

Comment, email, text, Tweet or Facebook me. Expect your gift sometime next month.

2009 movies correction #2

2009-12-22T00:52:00.002-07:00

Looks like I also forgot to rank The Informant! I thought it was about the same as The Men Who Stare at Goats -- maybe a bit funnier since Damon dissolved into the role so well. It's now ranked between The Men Who Stare at Goats and Terminator Salvation.

Also, I forgot to put in the link to other years' top movie lists. Here they are:

2004

2005

2006

2007

2008

the strength of samson depleted

2009-12-20T22:23:00.002-07:00

2009 Was going to be the year that I didn't get one haircut. Too bad my niece Amy had to go and get married this weekend.

Good luck Amy and Jason!

a couple of notes on the 2009 movie entry

2009-12-20T22:12:00.002-07:00

First of all, the reason I posted it so early is because I'm currently out of town and away from my computer and wasn't sure if I'd finish it in time. Here's hoping I'm able to get the movies of the decade done on the road.

That means that all the movies I see on Christmas day (probably Up In the Air and/or Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire) obviously won't be on my 2009 list. 'Tis a total shame, but I'm realizing I forgot at least two movies already. In 2009 I also saw Dead Snow and Taken. Both were two of my favorites and I'd probably put them at about 22 and 21 respectively.

Also, there were a couple of things in my head that I forgot to say about the movies I did see.

An Education -- I forgot to mention how awesome Rosamund Pike is in it. She plays the unenlightened girlfriend of the other guy. She plays stupid real well and you think she actually is stupid until she undercuts Carey Mulligan in a way that's plenty insulting, but not insulting enough for Carey to justifiably call her out. I guess girls are good at that kind of thing. This chick was a master.

Star Trek -- I wanna say that it was great, but the whole time travel story connecting it to the "canonical" Star Trek universe was unnecessary for me. I could get over it, but unfortunately most of the rest of my Star Trek brethren don't feel the same way. I think that's a shame. They could have re-booted the series and I would've been on board plenty.

Inglorious Basterds -- Christoph Waltz should be nominated for supporting actor. Icy, sadistic, scary and riveting. As it was said on At the Movies (I think): "The guy is terrifying in four languages."

Anyway, here's hoping the movies I see the rest of this year aren't as good.

my 50 favorite movies of 2009!

2009-12-16T15:53:00.008-07:00

Quite a year for movies! Best haul ever! Some of these I was able to catch on video before the year was over so I don't have a stub for every single movie. Some stubs are from special screenings of old movies too, so they don't all match up. whatever.

50. Gigantic
I hesitate to put this movie in here as my least favorite movie of the year. Honestly, I kind of gleefully love to hate it. I have more schadenfreude for this flick than any other. You've probably never heard of it, but that's fine. It's a quirky indie comedy that's trying SO HARD to be a quirky indie comedy that it's the phoniest thing ever. EVER! I'm not going to complain about quirk-queen Zooey Deschanel (although for this one I easily couls). I will very much complain about Paul Dano -- the indie mumble king kill-joy. Hey, at least that super-funny Zach Galifianakis is in it. Everything that guy says is funny. Too bad he doesn't say one thing in the movie. I'm totally serious. I do wish everybody sees this though. For sure anybody making a quirky comedy needs to see this to learn what not to do.

49. Confessions of a Shopaholic
I confess! I'm addicted to shopahol! I was so excited to see this because I've been on an Isla Fisher high ever since Hot Rod. It's tragic that this movie was petty and dull -- even for girls.

48. Duplicity
This was confusing -- but not so confusing that I couldn't follow it. I simply didn't follow it though because it was even less interesting.

47. Push
Yeah, it's a superhero movie, but it has the distinct disadvantage of not being based on anything specific. I guess that would make it original in the purest sense -- but it sure didn't feel original at all. Also it had the distinct disadvantage of also having Dakota Fanning's obnoxiousness and Djimoun Hounsou's weird voice and accent. Oh, and not to be confused with Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire, which has the most overdone title in history and I haven't seen it yet.

46. Adventureland
Okay, fine there's something TOTALLY wrong with me, because I wasn't affected in the slightest by this movie. I went in knowing that it wasn't meaning to be a straight-up comedy like the marketing attempted to sell. Still, I was totally lost wondering where the heart of it all was. Friends and critics I trust told me it was touching, but it simply didn't exist for me. Part of the problem may be with the two leads: Columbus and Bella Swan. They have the most stilting, distracting deliveries of any actors I've ever seen.

45. Monsters vs. Aliens
I remember having a modest amount of fun, but I mostly remember thinking that a lot more potential was blown. I mean, it could've ransacked all sorts of tales from both mythologies.

44. Surrogates
Five problems: 1) nothing much happened at all, 2) the ending was revealed in the trailer (although edited in the trailer to deceive us as to what actually happens), 3) the protagonist and the antagonist pretty much had the same agenda, 4) Bruce Willis looked better as a normal person than he did as a surrogate, which kind of defeats the purpose of what they're used for, 5) the debate could have been explored far more interestingly and applied to today's concept of on-line avatars.

43. Friday the 13th
I've always been a bit more of a Freddy guy myself. This one had the kid who plays Dick Casablancas in Veronica Mars pretty much playing the exact same character. That's all I really remember. I think I should be remembering the gruesome, imaginative deaths; but I don't.

42. Gentlemen Broncos
I think the trailer was amazing. Seriously. I went to a showing of this with the director and much of the crew. Sad to say that even that audience seemed to be pity-laughing. Jemaine Clement is seriously funny; but, not to blame the other actors, the story isn't.

41. The Men Who Stare at Goats
There is sort of a running joke about Ewan McGregor being confused about what a "Jedi" is. I liked that joke even though the meta-reference cheaply takes us out of the movie we're watching. I was glad to be taken out though. It either needed to be played straighter or more absurdly. I guess the people who made the movie were all good friends and had a good time making the movie. It'd be nice if they let the audience in on that good time.

40. Terminator Salvation
I've got a huge beef with the entire Terminator franchise of movies and TV shows. I've explained this several times over the past few days as part of an effort to get people to boycott Avatar. Long story. The point is, every piece of work involving the Terminator universe beyond the first movie (which was awesome btw) is derivative of the first work and retroactively takes away from the stakes of that first work. On a less abstract note: the decision to have the focus shared between the characters of Christian Bale and Sam Worthington was an encumbering mistake. The focus should have been on one of them -- and based on the charisma and performances, it should have definitely been Worthington.

39. The Class
I heard this movie was really good. It was a lot like sitting through class -- with subtitles.

38. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
It is refreshing to see Hugh Jackman go back into the role that made him a star. Plus I appreciate that he takes the Wolverine role so seriously when in real life he's like a song and dance man or something. However, I would have done quite a few things differently with this movie. I can't believe they gagged Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool. His mouth is his best asset. That goes for the comic book character of Deadpool as well. Seems a waste to not let him speak when speaking is a key quality of the way the character was conceived. It looked like they tried to stitch some kind of story together from actors and characters they had on hand. The stitching wasn't done well. Lots of people may think something like that doesn't matter in a film such as this -- but honestly it totally does.

37. The Informers
This movie is horrible. It does not deserve to score this well on the list. It's creepy and grimy and depressing and has no real redeeming qualities and has characters you wouldn't mind getting tortured. However, Bret Easton Ellis captured some really awesome 80s gloss. Bonus 80s points! And this is some of my favorite 80s sights and sounds too -- Patrick Nagel and New Order. I have no idea why it's called The Informers.

36. Whatever Works
This one gets bonus points for being a Woody Allen movie, but it is possibly my least favorite Woody Allen movie I've seen (I've seen 27 of them). I guess it's a re-working of something he started a while ago. It feels very immature and petty. It's one thing that I don't agree much with what the movie says, but another thing entirely when the movie isn't interesting or funny enough to even merit the discussion.

35. I Love You, Beth Cooper
I love the book, which was written by a guy who used to write for The Simpsons. As I read it, I thought to myself how good the movie would be. I was naive to think that because so much of the book has to do with the humorous thought processes of the main characters. It had its parts, but much of the timing was way off. Better than I thought it would be though, since the critics panned it so hard.

34. Public Enemies
The best thing about this one is the sweet hillbilly-type jazz music that played while Dillinger cruised in his sweet ride. I also have a little crush on Marion Cotillard. Lots of missed potential, though. The video did not look right to me. It may have been the way it was projected in my theater, but the night scenes especially looked like 1985-era camcorder material. I guess the digital filming was kind of a big deal. I think it was a big mistake. I sort of got involved in Johnny Depp's character, but no others. Too many close ups on him and not enough wide angles to let us into the story.

33. Milk
This is actually a film from 2008, but I saw it in 2009 (we go through this every year). Ummm... it was a while ago. Pretty good. Seems like I had a problem with how it ended, but it is a true story after all. How can I complain about history?

32. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Pretty good. I expected as much since it's the second-best book. The people I saw it with who hadn't read the book didn't really gel with it much at all. Understandable.

31. Twilight Saga: New Moon
I think I like this one more now that I've seen Taylor Lautner do a laudable job on Saturday Night Live. This thing did have a bunch more quality than the first one, and I still think the humor in the movies puts them a step above the books.

30. The Time Traveler's Wife
Liked it more than I thought I would. Lost my ticket stub though. That will bug me until the day I die.

29. Fast and Furious
For me, there was something mysteriously magical about the first one. This captured a lot of that again -- whatever it is. Glad to see they're going back to hijacking moving semi trucks at high speed. That's the least sensible thing to do ever, but I'm glad they make movies about it.

28. Prom Night in Mississippi
My good friend Shanna (maybe you shouldn't click on that, since she NEVER updates her blog) nabbed me tickets to this Sundance documentary. The story is about a certain high school's first black/white integrated prom. Interesting to see how the kids felt in comparison to the generation above them.

27. Fanboys
Here's an interesting one. I liked it a lot, even though hardly anybody else did. Kind of the opposite of Adventureland. Hmmm. Curious. Joe and I watched Adventureland together and we both hated it while tons of other people liked that one. Joe and I also watched this one together. Anyway, it's Star Wars vs. Star Trek. Few things interest me more.

26. Zombieland
I did have a lot of fun with this, but I had a ton of complaints where all I heard was praise from everyone else. It was funny, but I didn't appreciate having time to figure out the punchlines before they happened. This was the second-to-last zombie movie ever.

25. Sunshine Cleaning
This is sort of an indie chick flick, but I enjoyed Amy Adams and Emily Blunt cavorting around. The movie received some complaints about starting up plot threads and going nowhere with them. I didn't mind that. I think it worked simply for the purposes of throwing the audience off and playing with expectations.

24. RiffTrax Live: Plan 9 From Outer Space
What can I say? It's the worst movie ever made and I got to sit back and watch someone else make fun of it. I could've done without the musical guests and extra filler they threw in, but once the movie started: gut-busting.

23. The Hangover
A noble comedic effort (but quite overrated).

22. I Love You Man
Very funny, but this movie helped me realize why Paul Rudd is funny in Role Models and Wet Hot American Summer. He looks like a nice guy, but isn't at all. In this movie he's actually playing a nice guy and looks like a nice guy. The absurdity isn't there.

21. Drag Me to Hell
Bonus points for the awesome title. Also, that chick from Matchstick Men I think is in it. Good to see her again! Anyway, maybe people were put off by the title. It's actually more of a morality tale than a horror movie. Sort of a gruesome Aesop's fable. Plus also the girl accidentally trips over a coffin corpse and the embalming fluid spills all over her.

20. It Might Get Loud
I love love love Jack White. Jimmy Page is awesome. And honestly, I sort of do consider myself a fan of The Edge. So there's not much to miss about a documentary that gets them all together. Their scenes together seem a bit forced, though. The solitary stuff is gold, though. The real money though is some of the old footage -- like an early Jimmy Page performance when he was like 15 or something.

19. Extract
Poor Mike Judge. His show goes on tv for 10 seasons but all of his movies fail, and the movies are what I'm a fan of. Judge's sly observations of working life plus Jason Bateman's exquisite delivery make for a great time. Where Office Space skewers management, Extract skewers the workforce. Great bookends.

18. Gran Torino
This came out in 2008, but I saw it in the theater in 2009. It was good.

17. Fired Up
It really is funny. "You know what John Lennon always said?" "No I don't. I'm not in my fifties. I could ask my dad, though." This movie got a lot of flack because of what it is. For me, it's just funny. And way better than Bring it On which it sort of honors/lampoons. At least this one kept the joke to the end. "Did we win? Are we going to state?" "No, we came in nineteenth."

16. The Brothers Bloom
Here's a quirky indie comedy, but it's not annoying like Gigantic. This one lets us really enjoy the characters and make friends with them. The ending drags slightly. Bonus points go to the director, Rian Johnson, for recording an audio commentary on mp3 so that I could take my iPod into the theater and listen to the commentary there.

15. Michael Jackson: This is It
This movie wasn't supposed to be released in theaters, but since what happened happened I guess it was inevitable. This is a business movie though. It was awesome to see Michael Jackson doing his business. He was lousy at living in the real world, but when it came to work he was awesome. A great employer and an incredibly hard, serious worker. At least that's what the movie showed. I'm not a big fan of dance at all, but his putting together of the choreography is fascinating. At the moment, I don't think he molested those kids. It also helped that most of the film is dedicated to the Thriller/Bad era. Good good stuff. One other thing to watch for: the very pretty blond girl who is one of the dancers.

14. Paranormal Activity
Well, either the gimmick works for you or it doesn't. Here's why it worked for me. When I see a big-budget special effects horror movie I see a swift technical crane shot with some cgi monster thrown in under the score of Hans Zimmer or something. That's at least three movie-making techniques that come to my attention and take me out of the movie if I notice them. In Paranormal Activity they take some time to establish this world of a home-video camera. After we're established in that world the unusual events of that world really seem like they're happening -- and not just in movie-world.

13. District 9
Could you believe this extravaganza is considered low-budget? Nice. Hey Blomkamp! Teach James Cameron a thing or two!

12. An Education
Just saw this a couple of days ago by myself. It's still playing if you wanna see it. This movie made me feel like a 16-year-old British schoolgirl again. And Carey Mulligan is yet another new crush. She's not 16 in real life, so it's okay.

11. Funny People
This was way too long, but I think I liked it way more than most people who also saw it. It's kind of like Adam Sandler's version of The Wrestler.

10. Mary and Max
Thanks again to Shanna for getting me the tickets to this Sundance claymation heart-warmer. It's a touching story of two very mismatched pen pals. Awww. Seriously, awww.

9. A Serious Man
The Coen's version of the story of Job -- but not quite. If we're alone in the universe, how do we behave? Is personal morality enough or do we need a higher power watching over us? Is what we're suffering from unnecessary and random or is the true storm around the corner? I wouldn't call this movie a dark comedy at all. It's more of a light, philosophical drama.

8. Watchmen
A very faithful adaptation of a story I love. I wrote lots about it here and here.

7. Up
I didn't cry. That's because I was dehydrated that day.

6. Moon
Even if the idea of science fiction and ghosts and clones or whatever puts you off -- see this movie to see Sam Rockwell play three different parts that are all the same and also completely different.

5. The Wrestler
Another 2008. Very real.

4. The Hurt Locker
I guess this is the first good Iraq war movie. It's told in the hand-held camera style that I hate so much, BUT somehow it's effective here. It's obvious, but at the same time not noticeable. Perhaps because the story and setting are perfect for it. Still no idea what "the hurt locker" is though.

3. Star Trek
My biggest complaint about this movie is that it was so good. Now everybody who isn't a Trekkie like me has a surface knowledge of the Star Trek universe. You're all poseurs! Star Trek is mine! MINE!

2. (500) Days of Summer
This movie wins hard for being a chick flick that's not really a chick flick. It is more of a guy chick flick isn't it? Depressing and defeatist. There needs to be a term for guy chick flick. I was trying earlier to think of the term but couldn't. I also appreciate this one for being very similar in plot and structure to another favorite of mine, Annie Hall. Anyway, the scene of the year has to go to the beautifully done split screen that shows the expectations of the night and the actual reality. You can't disagree with me.

1. Inglourious Basterds
This movie has some major problems. I'll list those first. The title is wrong. In my opinion, the basterds are a minor point in the movie. Those who actually watched it were undoubtedly surprised that most of the screen time went toward the Nazi SS officer and the young Jewish woman who got away from him years earlier. That's what the movie is about. I'm sad that the marketing pushed the movie as nothing more than a violent WWII piece of pulp fiction (I type that as an actual term and not a reference to the other Tarantino movie). My other problem is with the sudden turning of character of Landa in the end. It may have been necessary to show the brutality of the basterds. I'm pretty sure that plot point and the entire re-writing of World War II was necessary for Tarantino to play with the concept of heroes and villains. The heroes of this movie really cross the line. I don't want to give too much away, but I really think the heroes completely become anti-heroes when, for lack of a better term, the Nazi holocaust happens. There is a lot of dialogue in this movie and I loved it. I savored it. It wasn't just talking. It's tension. One of the best scenes of the year goes to the opening 20 minutes when the SS officer is merely having a conversation with the French dairy farmer. They're not just talking. They're playing chess with words. But the reason I love going to movies is best represented by the scene in which Shoshanna is preparing her Nazi holocaust. She makes her preparations, puts on her red dress and vamps it up to the tune of the main theme from the movie Cat People. How absurd does that sound? Well, it works and it's absolutely wonderfully beautiful.

a sampling of decadence

2009-12-06T03:07:00.002-07:00

So remember how I said everyone try Flickchart? Also remember how I said everyone tell me what your favorite movies of the last decade are? Well, in its incredibly un-scientific methodology, here is my list of the top 50 movies of the decade according to Flickchart (keep in mind that this isn't the list I'll be posting at the end of the year, but perhaps it'll be worth discussing in the meantime):

50. Phone Booth

49. Rocky Balboa

48. Oldboy

47. Insomnia

46. Memento

45. The Fast and the Furious

44. Cloverfield

43. Hellboy

42. Stranger Than Fiction

41. Batman Begins

40. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

39. Meet the Parents

38. Grindhouse

37. O Brother, Where Art Thou?

36. V for Vendetta

35. Napoleon Dynamite

34. Little Miss Sunshine

33. The Village

32. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

31. High Fidelity

30. Hero

29. Kill Bill Vol. 2

28. Training Day

27. Iron man

26. Chicago

25. Austin Powers in Goldmember

24. Watchmen

23. Sunshine

22. Casino Royale

21. Planet Terror

20. Shaun of the Dead

19. Wall-E

18. Mean Girls

17. Moulin Rouge

16. Serenity

15. Slumdog Millionaire

14. Donnie Darko

13. Zodiac

12. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

11. The Incredibles

10. The Dark Knight

9. Star Trek

8. No Country for Old Men

7. X-Men

6. Match Point

5. The Ring

4. Unbreakable

3. 28 Days Later

2. X2: X-Men United

1. Kill Bill Vol. 1

Yes, a bit strange of a list, eh? Like I said -- it's not perfect. It just happened to be how the voting turned out at this very moment.

Before you say something like "Where is (500) Days of Summer?" (or some other movie you thought I really liked) -- well keep in mind that many many titles from this decade haven't come up in my flickchart yet.

But what do you think of the movies provided in the order they're in?