yay me (2011)!

If you didn't bother watching the above video, here's the gist of it. My birthday is this Sunday and it's also the Oscars. Come over to my house and we'll watch them. I'm inviting you. Do it. I'm not doing an event through Facebook this year because I want to keep it intimate enough that we can all enjoy the ceremony. Now don't take that as a sign that you SHOULDN'T come over. If you're reading this, you're invited. The Facebook masses don't tend to read this. Fill out your Oscar picks and there will be a prize to whomever gets the most right. Also, if you have any extra coat hangers, please bring them and whatever food you'd like to contribute. In the video I also listed a bunch of expensive gifts that I'd like to receive (but am not planning on receiving).

Yay!

v.d. 2011

(Patent pending on my trademark black horny heart.)

So here's an image of this year's Valentine's Day box.

Yes, you guessed right. My work is making us make Valentine's Day boxes to put at our desks. Actually, I don't want to sound like they're forcing me to do something I don't like, because I actually think it's a pretty fun idea. I also like how deeply awesome my box is. Black with white horn hearts plus a glass mockingjay on the top. Nobody can beat my V.D. box.

Every few years I make a V.D. cd. Usually I grab a few love songs and edit in a few quotes from popular romantic comedies. Often there's a sort of theme to the cd where there are love songs about loss that lead into love songs about gain or vice versa. This year I totally resolved to do it. I even started watching a few streaming Netflix titles to find movie quotes while I was researching which songs to use. I only got ten minutes into Roxanne before I gave up and just watched the whole thing. It was awesome to watch, btw. I recommend. Again. I recorded one line that was pretty funny ("I thought I was in love once, but it turns out I was confusing love with sex." -- "That happened to me once. It was awesome!")

Anyway, I only found five songs that I was willing to put on the V.D. cd, So I guess this year it's more of a V.D. EP.

1. "Next Girl" by the Black Keys. This song represents "being on the prowl."

2. "Father Figure" by George Michael. This song represents hooking up, in a really creepy sorta Freudian way. Ever see that video? Sexy (I'm not saying George Michael is sexy (even though he might be (back then anyway (to women)))).

3. "You're My Best Friend" by Queen. Hmm. That's sort of two gay songs in a row. That's totally coincidental. I'm not gay, but lots of times gay artists write my favorite songs (see of course Erasure). Actually I'm pretty sure it was John Deacon who wrote this Queen song and not Freddie Mercury. This may be the best love song I can think of right now. Anyway this song represents being in a fulfilling relationship.

4. "Nobody's Diary" by Yazoo. Okay, speaking of gay, I recently heard that this song is in a movie called Edge of Seventeen. Being the biggest Yazoo fan I could think of, I found the movie on Netflix streaming to see how well the song was used in the context of the movie. Turns out the movie is super gay. By super gay I don't mean to say that the movie is dumb. The movie literally is super gay. Anyway, I found the part with the Yaz song and they sort of used it well in the movie. Even in context of the super gay movie I find the first seven notes of the song absolutely haunting when I hear them. This song is very very high on my singing in the shower rotation. It's break-uppy. And it's sung by a girl. I'm not sure why I always sing sad girl songs in the shower. Have I ever talked about Yazoo on this blog? I think they were a really awesome '80s band that totally justified the emotion you could elicit through such a manufactured sound.

5. "Wildest Dreams" by The Moody Blues. Is that the name of this song? I know it's the song that all Moody Blues fans hate, but it's the only tolerable song of non-Moody Blues fans. It represents long lost longing.

So earlier this week I was pondering on the fact that I'm one of the few people who still loves listening to the radio in the car more than cds or iPod. Proponents of NOT listening to the radio always say the same thing: wouldn't you rather CHOOSE the music you listen to? Actually, strangely no. It's so much more fun to hear a song you love on the radio than to hear it from your personal collection. It's like receiving a gift. There's that thrill to it. Plus there's the knowledge that you're simultaneously sharing the same experience with dozens of other people across the Wasatch front.

I like anticipating what's next instead of owning the music. It's weird romance.

Have I ever mentioned that I find being poor more romantic than being rich? It sounds absurd to actually come out and say it, but isn't that what most romantic movies actually fall back on? The girl tends to wind up with the poor schlub than the rich douchebag.

Actually, also rich isn't an important aspect to romance because you don't want to mix up the material with the feelings. Poor romance is a lot easier to see, because love is the only material involved. That's why "Is This Love?" by Bob Marley is the most romantic song ever (sorry "You're My Best Friend" -- but I actually think I used "Is This Love?" on a previous V.D. cd).

Anyway, here are the songs:

(The "Next Girl" video is (in my mother's words) "pretty raunchy," so I'm posting the Ferguson appearance instead (I would recommend checking out the real music video though, it's quite groovy).


Okay, the George Michael video is also pretty risque (at least for the '80s), but what the heck. It's V.D. '11. Here's the real thing.

checking in

My computer still sorta works. Photoshop and Soundtrack don't work anymore. No big loss there (I'm being incredibly sarcastic -- only Final Cut is more important than those two programs and I'm afraid to try Final Cut out).

So it looks like I may need to find a cheap Photoshop somewhere. I've been using the same version of Elements for like 10 years so I may be due for an upgrade -- maybe get a version with an "undo" button or something.

The real reason I haven't said much lately is because I've become quite tethered to my iPad. I could blog on it, but it's waaaaay better for input than for output. I'll break out soon because there is a bit to be said in the future.

The 27th of this month is two things: my birthday and also the academy awards. No doubt if you're reading this, I think it would be great if you spent the day watching the awards with me (if I can get off work). I'm sure soon I will post my wish list of stuff I want and also my Oscar predictions. Remember, submitting your Oscar predictions is mandatory (please for the love of my sanity please humor me on this one -- it's a birthday wish -- don't be stubborn).

Actually have two more best picture nominations to see: The Fighter and 127 Hours. Lemme know if you need someone to watch these with.

Hurm. Not much else to say. Stay classy world.

goodbye forever (just in case)!

Ever since I got my computer I haven't updated the OS. It's been running on something called "Tiger," which apparently isn't as good as "Leopard" or "Snow Leopard." That's weird. If there were some kind of cat rumble, my money would be on the tiger any day.

Alas, I got one of the best Christmas gifts ever -- an iPad (which really solidifies my part in the Apple family (I mean, now I have FOUR iPods (one of which stopped working, but that was only because it got caught in the worst rainstorm in Cabo San Lucas history))). Anyway, it turns out that this new device won't sync up with my computer until the OS has been updated. So now I'm giving in, despite my paranoia. Things have been working fairly well over the last three or so years and I'm hesitant to bring in a foreign body (perhaps that summarizes my feelings about the H1N1 flu shot as well). The guy at the Apple store said "he's had nothing but a good experience whenever he updates the OS." But he's a hip Apple store worker. Technology loves him more.

I'm just about to update. If it destroys my computer this will be the last blog post I make. There will also be no more J.R. Watches Star Trek for the first time, The Iron Rodcast, Jon Madsen Movie Commentary, Jon Demand, Living in the Geekdom, Blogging Forgotten Realms and Halloween movies.

Goodbye world.

post christmas swap meet!

Alright, so Christmas is old news, but we're still right in the middle of exchange season!

Many of you did not participate in this year's Christmas grabfest. In fact, I was lucky to get all the gifts given away (or at least reserved) by Christmas Day. If you did participate and you didn't get what you wanted (just about all of you) now is your big chance to exchange your gift with someone who got what you wanted (not bloody likely though). In fact, if you didn't receive a gift at all, many of the gift recipients may be willing to part with their gift anyway. It's worth asking.

Anyway, here's what people got. I didn't get everyone's picture because some of the gifts were given at church and stuff and they hate it when I'm flashing photos there.

Josh got a USB 2.0 A/AM/F 15-foot Extension Cable!

Chet got a book called Deliciously Easy Main Dishes With Herbs!

Stephanie got a DVD called Screen Dreams: Living Fireplace, Vol. 2!

Kelsey got a book called English Romantic Poetry!

Zo got the book Thus Spake Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche!

Joe got a CD by The Commodores called Motown Legends: Brick House!

Emily got Leg Avenue Women's Sexy Fishnet Pantyhose!

Rhett got the book Looking Backward by Edward Bellamy!

Alex got a CD called Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, Overtures by Wolfgang Mozart!

Calvin got the book The Jewel of Seven Stars by Bram Stoker!

Mandi got a tube of Joico Color Endure Conditioner!

Brother Hewlett got a mini computer microphone!

Jaime got the CD called Billie Holiday - Golden Hits!

Scott got the CD called Heartbreak Beat by The Psychedelic Furs!

Bishop Williams got a set of those shapey animal rubber bands that kids are into these days!

Laron got the CD called Wild Planet by The B-52's!

Dre got a Universal DC to AC Adapter!

Bekah got a Universal USB Travel Charger Adaptor!

Laura got the CD Nothing To Fear by Oingo Boingo!

Maria got a five dollar Little Caesar's gift certificate!

Brooke got Clearsnap Double-sided Adhesive Stickers (4 Sheets)!

Chad got the CD called Greatest Masterpieces of the Millenium - Beethoven!

Jen got the CD Original Soundtrack - Planet of the Apes (1968)!

If you think these gifts are lame, remember every one of them is something I nearly bought for myself. If you'd like any of these, you know who to talk to. I noticed that especially the people who got stuck with books may be willing to part with them.

whoops! here's my 21st favorite movie of 2010.

One of my favorite times of the year is when I release the previous year's movie list and then a bunch of people tell me how wrong I am. It's happening now!

My favorite comment is the surprise that I didn't put Yugo to Hell on the list. That's a good point. I really can't believe it slipped my mind. The movie sucks in a lot of ways, BUT I still love it and I love how it came together, just like I love every dumb little movie we put out comes together.

Anyway, here it is. Watch it. Remember it's 20 minutes long so you may need to take a lunch or something.

the 40 best movies of 2010!

I'm sorry this is at least six days late.


Every year I do my best movies of the year list and every year I wonder what to do about the movies I see in the theater in the year that actually came out during the tail end of the previous year. I'll quickly mention those right now in their own list.

The top 10 movies I saw in 2010 that actually came out in 2009!

10. The Box
Points to the guy who made Donnie Darko, but this movie sucked.

9. Fantastic Mr. Fox
Negative points to Wes Andersen, who isn't as clever as he thinks he is (or at least as clever as I say). I did appreciate the "wolf power" fist toward the end though.

8. Invictus
One of these days a decent rugby movie will be made. Still waiting.

7. Sherlock Holmes
More sleuthing would have been nice.

6. Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire
A decent movie. Bonus points to the longest, pretentiousest title ever.

5. More Than a Game
Propaganda for LeBron James, but nonetheless contains exciting basketball footage.

4. Avatar
The only movie I've recommended solely on the merits of its visuals and nothing else. Apparently this movie made more money than any other movie ever. Strange, considering we all will have forgotten it in two years.

3. Up In the Air
This was pretty good. Especially the two girls in it.

2. Brothers
Personally I think the Gyllenhaall brother would have made a better Spiderman than the Maguire brother.

1. Me and Orson Welles

Technically this movie came out in 2008 somehow. Worth the tops of this list because of Christian McKay's uncanny Welles characterization.

The 40 best movies of 2010!

Whenever I do these rankings, I always lay out all the movies I've seen and give each one a letter grade. After that I rank them within the letter grade. I'll go ahead and reveal the letters this year.

F range:

40. A Nightmare on Elm Street
Boy talk about a waste of potential. The Elm Street movies were so ripe for a very cool re-imagining. The setting is whatever could possibly happen in a literal nightmare. Too bad the opportunity was squandered. The visuals were absolutely not there. The character of Freddy wasn't defined as either a twisted mysterious lunatic or a gleeful sadistic winker to the audience. Net result: one of the boringest horror movies ever.

D range:

39. The Romantics
Saw this one at Sundance. If you didn't see it there, you may never get the chance to see it... fortunately. Lots of young beautiful people though -- some of my favorite young actors. They don't have anything to say or do.

38. The Joneses
This is the requisite one that I'm putting back on the list because I posted this whole post and then noticed that I had a ticket stub for this one but I didn't write about it. This movie wasn't super good. Is it possible that Amber Heard can act WITH clothes on? I'm not sure.

37. The Other Guys
Mark Wahlberg is far funnier than Will Farrell.

36. Youth in Revolt
At least Michael Cera branched out a little. Mustaches never hurt either. The rest of the movie was uninteresting.

35. Eclipse
I've been a good sport with this whole Twilight craze. I read the first book and had some fun with the first two movies. Now I don't even have the energy to make fun of it anymore.

34. When in Rome
Points for Veronica Mars being in this, but it's an insulting rom-com. Most rom-coms are, which is unfortunate. I will never be against an entire genre, but people who prefer romantic comedies ought to demand better than what they're given.

C range:

33. Frozen
Points for yours truly making a cameo in this. You can totally see me in the background. Otherwise this movie is about as dull as when you're on the ski lift and it stops for an hour and a half.

32. Iron Man 2
Not terrible. Interesting how with both Iron Man movies most of the really exciting stuff happens near the beginning of the movie instead of the end. Huh. Anyway, the characters seemed a lot more flat in this one than the first. They missed an opportunity to go deeper instead of more superficial.

31. It's a Trap
I did love this Family Guy interpretation of Return of the Jedi, but unfortunately it's hindered by Family Guy's better attempts to skewer Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. Actually, a bigger help may have been that those other two movies are so much better than Jedi.

30. Get Low
Robert Duvall is great, but I didn't find as much to the character, story or situation as most of my friends who also saw this. Maybe it doesn't help that I fell asleep during 20 minutes of it.

29. The Expendables
Another wasted opportunity. Needed a lot more Dolph Lundgren. Needed to take itself more seriously and trust itself. Then we could have laughed a lot harder at its earnestness.

28. Shutter Island
Completely respectable as a Scorsese film and as a mindbender. Respectable, but didn't bring anything to either column that were exclusively memorable to this movie.

27. How to Train Your Dragon
Yeah, this was absolutely adorable, but I've never been converted to Jay Baruchel.

B range:

26. Salt
This is completely indescribable. About a dozen action spy thrillers come out every year and I can't say why this one is better than any of those. Maybe Salt just subtly hit all the notes just right. Maybe after seeing as part of a double bill with The Other Guys, I was looking for something to like.

25.Greenberg
It's not super. Nothing really happens. Unfortunately I relate to Ben Stiller's 40-somethingish loser character who tries to impress young people. I sadly relate. A lot.

24. Best Worst Movie
This is a documentary about the hilariously bad movie Troll 2. If you've seen Troll 2 you know the inherent hilariousness. I would have liked a little more exploration about what the specific appeal is.

23. TRON: Legacy
I make no apologies for absolutely adoring the original TRON. This update was pretty good, especially considering the Daft Punk soundtrack. However (soundtrack included (no need for string arrangements)) it was a little too analog. I would have appreciated the digital world looking a lot less real.

22. Splice
Don't see this movie. It may have been the scariest movie I saw, but not for the horror elements. The subtext drew on parental anxiety. Most horror movies are paralleled by anxieties of young love or lust. Splice plays very well on the next stage of life. Don't see it though. I totally get it when people say it's the worst movie of the year.

21. Please Give
This indie is a little Woody Alleny. I kind of like how it explores the idea of repressed, privileged guilt.

20. Machete
Aaaand with number 20 we start a short list of movies that are tremendously awful, yet gut-bustingly fun. Machete is stereotype, violence and seriousness taken to the extreme. Result: hilarity!

19. Piranha 3D
Okay, I feel sort of bad about this. It was far more exploitation than I thought it would be. No stops were pulled.

18. Jackass 3D
Totally not converted to 3D, but THIS was a VERY good use of 3D. It made me want to investigate getting a 3D camera so I can film my friends getting seriously injured.

17. True Grit
The Coens are perfection at film making. I would have enjoyed a bit more of the Coen influence than we got here though. Unfortunately, I'm not ranking this one as well as most other people I know who saw it. The problem may be in that a couple of years ago I saw No Country for Old Men and saw what the Coens could do with the western genre. I wound up not caring for the people or events of True Grit nearly as much. Perhaps I'm to blame.

16. Let Me In
The coolest thing about this movie is that it was widely released when I would have expected it to go strictly indie. The bad news is that it was one of the biggest widely released flops of the year. There's nothing like a re-invigoration of classic vampire elements using a completely unique view of telling the story (well, completely unique as in a very close copy to the Swedish movie it was remade from).

15. My Girlfriend's Boyfriend
I'm giving points to this one because it has Alyssa Milano and it was also locally produced by a guy I totally insulted to his face at a party in Provo once. It was pretty good though. Better than When in Rome.

14. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Props to Edgar Wright for taking the idea of directing comedy far more seriously than pointing the camera at a few people telling jokes. Wright utilizes far more than words to elicit laughs. Now if only Michael Cera could play more than George Michael Bluth...

13. MacGruber
Don't see this. It's horribly offensive (but I was laughing my head off).

12. Book of Eli
Maybe it's my Mormonism, but it was very fun to grab onto the religious elements of this one. Also, it looks cool. Also, Mila Kunis.

11. You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger
I did not like this movie very much as I watched it. I do appreciate it plenty in hindsight though. Woody Allen obviously has a very cynical view of relationships and it's a view I share probably too much. Maybe this will help me purge it.

10. Easy A
This probably doesn't deserve the top ten, but I'm putting it here to say that Emma Stone is more than a girl I wanna hook up with. She constantly exhibits a charming charisma that is needed for the magic of film to work. There was a time when I would put acting and charisma and chemistry far behind writing and art direction and cinematography. Right now, I feel it's personality that is the most important and Emma Stone has a talent that saves even a mediocre story like Easy A.

9. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
A bit much for only half of a movie, but they pulled it off well. This flick actually had several legitimate scenes of tension and dozens of scares! Very well done considering the severe limitations of the source material.

8. Toy Story 3
It wasn't the scene of despair the toys went through that got to me. It was what Andy did right before he went off to college that got to me.

A range:

7. Catfish
I've mentioned scary movies in the list already, but Catfish is definitely the scariest. But only to me. There's horror scary and then there's social scary. You know how The Office is awkwardly funny? Catfish is seriously awkward. I had a panic attack watching the characters in this movie. Plus its Facebook-centered storyline is an excellent companion piece (in a very different way) to The Social Network.

6. Never Let Me Go
Here's another movie that I didn't really like while I was watching it, but loved it more and more afterward. It took me a while to get to know or even relate to the characters, but now I think of them often and feel badly for them. No doubt I'll read the book. I bet the book is great.

5. Black Swan
Hard to sit through at times, but quite a spectacle and some powerful insanity. The last half hour is as exciting as front row Swan Lake. One thing I really appreciated about the movie is how the camera seemed to be dancing with the ballerinas -- right next to them rather than just watching them.

4. The Social Network
Fincher. Sorkin. Reznor. For the win. You don't need to care one flying lick about Facebook to appreciate the way the drama unfolds here, but it doesn't hurt. I love how the guys that brought so many people together through the literal social network are shown to have no ability to retain a friendship between just themselves. I realize that most of those elements were exaggerated for the purposes of the movie, but that doesn't matter. The tale is told very well with all elements at the storytellers' disposal.

3. Exit Through the Gift Shop
The title practically insults the viewer, but this movie is worth it. Banksy challenges our views on art through his street art as well as through this "street film" itself. Perhaps accepting what we once considered lofty as mere packaging will help us appreciate the next level.

2. The Secret in Their Eyes
I'm the only one I know who saw this movie. I think it's Argentinian. It's an unrequited love story over decades and a police investigation over decades. Both elements are beautiful forms of both. There is also a tracking shot that is IMPOSSIBLE to pull off in real life, yet it's there in the movie. How did they do it? I dunno. They must have gotten government funding from the entirety of the Argentinian treasury.

1. Inception
Interesting that the worst movie on this list is a movie about the potential of dreams being squandered. Here's a movie with an awesome concept that never failed to deliver. Nolan is amazing for taking so many risks on so many levels and absolutely nailing every aspect. You all saw this, am I wrong? Why can't all summer movies be this fun AND this thinky?

airing of grievances 2010

Strangely this year's grievances are sort of church-themed. Not sure exactly why. Maybe because going to church is practically my only social activity.

Short-sleeved white shirts-
Your mission's over dude. Where do you even get a short-sleeved white shirt?

Rolling up your dress shirt sleeves-
Unless you're fixing a kitchen drain, don't roll your sleeves up. Tacky. Church isn't a very physically taxing activity. If you roll your shirt sleeves up, you may as well roll your pant legs up.

Slamming hymn books shut-
"I finished the hymn first! Did you hear me close the book loudly?"

Closing hymn books before the song is over-
Sometimes we share hymn books and sometimes I attempt to sing parts. Just because you know all the words, it doesn't mean I'm not done looking at them -- or the notes I'm attempting (and failing) to sing.

Two people holding one hymn book-
It's actually harder for two people to hold one hymn book than it is for one person to hold it. If I don't help you hold it, it's because I'm giving you a break. Don't expect me to be miserable with you.

Fascist youth march-
Um, maybe you should ask me about this one. It's actually totally different than it sounds.

Sitting at the edge of the bench-
Be nice. Sit in the middle. Don't make people crawl over you just because you like to stick your leg out into the aisle.

Standing in doorways while talking-
People enjoy talking in doorways for some reason. Yeah, it's peace of mind in case an earthquake suddenly hits, but people need to get through that dang door.

Toilets that flush automatically-
This applies to many public toilets. I especially hate the ones that flush automatically and don't give the option to flush manually. I stand in front of the toilet or urinal doing all sorts of dances in order to get the movement detection sensor or whatever to work on the thing. Sure, toilet handles are gross, but maybe public toilets should have a flushing mechanism similar to one I used in Candada one time. It was a foot pedal. That's perfect. Unless you're barefoot. That's gross for so many reasons.

Saying "Merry Christmas" spitefully-
I say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" usually, but I do hate it when people get mad when people don't say "Merry Christmas." "Happy Holidays" works just fine. No need to make it a spiteful issue.

Not putting DVD back in its case-
So you wanna watch one of your DVDs. You open the player and there's already a DVD in there! Omigosh! Where does it go? Look at the top of the DVD. Now look at the DVD shelf. The title on the DVD and the title on a DVD case SHOULD match. I'll bet you A MILLION DOLLARS that's where the DVD belongs. Does it belong face down on top of the DVD player? No, actually. Weird. One movement miscalculation and the DVD is scratched and unplayable.

Stupid DVDs that get scratched too easily and don't play anymore-
This is stupid.

Weird American values-
I've been watching lots of documentaries lately and I've noticed a strange common theme in them. Strangely as Americans we say we value honesty and integrity, but in private we overwhelmingly value corruption and dishonesty. Maybe it's a weird documentary agenda. Watch Food Inc, Capitalism: A Love Story, No End in Sight and especially Bigger, Stronger, Faster.

My looks-
I'm handsomer now than I was when I was 22. My face is anyway. Unfortunately I'm also way balder. Why can't there be one period of my life where I REALLY look good?

My softness-
I think my metabolism is giving out. I'm noticing my body isn't that much bigger, but it is softer. Sorta buttery. This grieves me.

No free parking at the JSMB-
I always need to call Jaime, totally make her stop working, have her take the elevator downstairs and finally meet me at the JSMB to give me a parking validation for $2. Do you have any idea how inconvenient this is for me (and her)?

Saying "Ha ha do it again!"-
If someone does something funny and spontaneous, it's a total buzzkill to ask them to do it again.

You're not nearly as smart as you think you are-
Not nearly.

Couples-
They have no right to exist. Any of them. I agree I'm a horrible person and I can be a total jerk oftentimes and I'm phsically atrocious and I'm not loaded or anything. I don't know why any girl anywhere would be foolish enough to find me intersting. It boggles my mind that such a thing could ever happen -- BUT I'm way better than every other guy on the planet. True story.

This has been this year's airing of grievances. Happy Festivus everyone!

christmas. it's on.

Alright everybody. It's on. Starting anytime on Wednesday, December 22 you can come over to my house and collect your Christmas gift. Remember supplies are limited! You'll only have the choice of 23 items IF YOU'RE EARLY. Of course you don't know what you're getting because they're all wrapped. Shortly after Christmas I will post what everyone received and then you can work out your trades if you wish. If you'd like to text, email, Twitter or Facebook me a reservation, I'm open to doing that. I'll even deliver if you need me to -- just hurry!

Anyways, let's celebrate the holiday a little bit with some of my favorite Christmas songs (fun idea: play all these embedded songs at the same time).

Recently at dinner I informed several of my friends that Erasure has a Christmas song. That's surprising to most people, since it's not as well known as that Mariah Carey Christmas song. Someone's finally made a cheap YouTube photo montage using that song. It's called "She Won't Be Home." Check it out:


Lately I've been a bigger Paul fan than John fan, but Lennon really nails the Christmas song better than McCartney did. Paul's "Wonderful Christmas Time" is almost dispassionate enough to have been written by robots. Of course Lennon wasn't really channeling Christmas spirit with "Happy Xmas (War is Over)." He was mostly channeling his hatred of the Vietnam War or something. Whatever though.


"Last Christmas" by Wham!


Wow, all these songs so far have been British. The Brits are way better than we are at making Christmas songs. I will now make a goal to spend one Christmas in England sometime in the future. Let's put all the Brits together for one big Brit carol. There are two huge things about Band-Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" that are worth noting. First, is that it shows people playing guitars, but as many times as I've heard the song I can't hear where any guitars are. The second thing is that Bono SOMEHOW out-Bonos himself and every other Bono impersonator at about 1:30.


The Waitresses are actually from Akron, Ohio but their Christmas song is super popular in The U.K. Couldn't find the official video, but here's a seemingly nice chick who made a video to the song. Good for her. Oh, the song's called "Christmas Wrapping" I think.

the plan for christmas gifts this year

As I sit at the computer and stare directly above me, my eyes catch this object:
It may be hard to tell from the picture but it's mistletoe -- a sign of the season. Yes, it shouldn't actually remind me of Christmas, since it's a perennial feature above my desk (and VERY ineffective btw), but somehow it does a little.

Probably a more obvious feature is the fake Christmas tree I managed to grab from my parents' house. Usually I only keep it up for six months at a time so it is a little more Christmasy. Here it is decked in festive lampshade and ornaments.

Look carefully at the picture of the tree. Notice that there are presents under there. Those are YOUR presents. An explanation follows.

I used to love getting gifts for people because I'd get tons of gifts for everybody I knew. The funnest part of the season for me used to be when I'd give someone a gift and then make them feel bad for not getting me anything. It really gave me a good superior feeling. Unfortunately that sort of practice is simply impractical now. I have too many friends and family.

Now a line must be drawn between those people who get gifts from me and those who don't. It's the worst thing about Christmas. I hate drawing that line. This year I'm not. This year I'm letting YOU draw the line for me.

Recently I placed a large order on Overstock.com for 23 items. I am giving each of these items away as an individual Christmas present. Each item was not purchased for any particular individual. When all the items arrive at my house I will say "Ready, Go!" (probably in the form of another blog post) and the first 23 people will get gifts. After that, nobody gets anything. Now I may sound sort of cold about this, but trust me, I'm doing this because I want you to get something from me. If I went about doing this the traditional way, I probably wouldn't get as many as 23 gifts for individuals. Of course I have way more than 23 friends so there's a good chance that you are my friend, but you wouldn't get anything from me (even though you may have been expecting it).

Anyway, this may seem selfish, but at least I don't have to reveal who my favorite 23 people are. If you participate in this, you will pretty much be inducted into my top 23.

I am planning on a gift for my parents and a group present for the house I live in. Other than that -- THIS IS ALL THE SHOPPING I'M DOING.

What are these gifts you may ask? Well, let me just say that all the gifts I ordered are items I WOULDN'T MIND GETTING MYSELF. So they're not NECESSARILY things you'd throw away on the 26th.

Here are some items I considered ordering for this project, but decided not to (so pretty much the items I ordered are better and/or more cost effective):

I've never read Inferno but it's a classic combining Christian theology with ancient myth in a perfect moral allegory. It's also the title of an X-men comic crossover from the 80s that borrowed several demonic elements from Dante's book. This particular edition was translated by Henry Wordsworth Longfellow (born February 27th!).

Say what you will of the series as a whole, but Goldmember was the best one. It contains one of my favorite lines in cinema: "There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch."

I think we've evolved to a point in culture where the lines between camp, irony and legitimacy are quite blurred. Five years ago we would have made fun of Sonny and Cher, now we'll gladly put them on as the perfect background music for a summer mocktail party.

How many people out there are nurses or medical assistants? Probably 70% of you. Wouldn't it be nice to have a spare scrubs top? Also works as a pajama top as if you didn't know that. Scrubs may have been pajamas first. Eventually doctors decided they'd rather do surgery right after they rolled out of bed. Anyway, scrubs tops are comfy.

Keep tuned in to the blog. When I say go -- come running over here to claim your gift.

Oh, and I nearly forgot. I'll keep track of who gets what, so if you'd like to exchange your gift with someone else, that will be possible. Sort of a white elephant type thing where you don't need to bring a white elephant yourself.

1923–2010

Who's scruffy-lookin'? You never got enough credit Irvin. Search your feelings. You know it to be true. And sorry I was three days late on this.

Also: AT-ATs are awesome.

1926-2010

"Love hurts. Sure, not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts."


I'm sad, but laughing.

Why did you disrupt that rendition of Shakespeare in the Park?

"Yes, well when I see five weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that's my policy"

halloween compost mortem

I had a wonderful Halloween, but it was far from ideal. I simply can't cram the entire holiday into a mere month. For those of you who were wondering, my costume this year was General Zod from Superman II.


If you're reading this now, it probably means you're my friend. It also means that there's a good chance you weren't born by 1982 which explains why I had to explain my costume to so many people. I needed a costume that would make use of the beard I'm presently sporting (which is getting really itchy and obnoxious, but I already told someone I'd grow a beard for Christmas). Also, my hair (as little as I have) tends to stick up more than slick back. Oh well.

I just finished watching The Simpsons Halloween special this year. It sucks that they don't show it before Halloween, but I'm sort of grateful that they extend the season slightly since I ran out of time to do everything else.

Actually, I managed all the essentials.

Those of you who came over to my house last week, thanks. We made a great movie this year and I'll probably post it soon. I was toying with the idea of entering it somewhere, but I don't even know where and I'd rather just keep it fun and public where everyone can see it. I will be tweaking it this week though, so it won't be up for a little while. My friends are really awesome to deal with me while we put the thing together.

I watched about a dozen scary movies. Thanks to Zo, we had some serious organization on that front. Unfortunately I wasn't able to finish watching all of the Friday the 13th movies, but I got 3 1/2 done. Also, I make a point of watching Donnie Darko every year, but time escaped me.

Once again, I wasn't able to go out trick-or-treating (still not opposed to doing it in my old age), but it was cool to receive trick-or-treaters -- even though most of them don't even say "trick or treat." What's up with that? I have to prod them most of the time.

I hit two haunted houses. They're getting less fun. I love them, but unfortunately they're so popular that the businesses are forced to make them the most efficient continuous line of people.

J.R. and I finished the Halloween cd, but we so ran out of time that we didn't get our cover art, movie quotes or lyrics finished. Here's the list. I'll burn you a copy if you want one.

1. "Keepin' Halloween Alive" by Alice Cooper
2. "The Ghost Who Walks" by Karen Elson
3. "Goo Goo Muck" by The Cramps
4. "Only After Dark" by The Human League
5. "Mr. Splitfoot" by Paris Motel
6. "Walk Like a Zombie" by HorrorPops
7. "Dead Girl Superstar" by Rob Zombie
8. "Jack You're Dead" by Joe Jackson
9. "Skullcrusher Mountain" by Jonathan Coulton
10. "A Night On Bald Mountain" by Eugene Ormandy
11. "Wake the Dead" by Family Force 5
12. "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" by Tracy Jordan
13. "She Wolf" by Shakira
14. "Wolf Like Me" by TV On the Radio
15. "Bed Intruder Mix" by Bruce Lee Roy
16. "This Gigantic Robot Kills" by MC Lars
17. "Mack the Knife" by Bobby Darin
18. "I Put a Spell on You " by Screamin' Jay Hawkins
19. "All Your Hate Lays On Me" by JonDis
20. "Good Man In a Bad Time" by Ian Hunter
21. "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" by Roger Daltrey

"Bed Intruder Mix" is J.R.'s "original composition" this year. He took the famous joke song that's been auto-tuned and "scarified" it. My original is called "All Your Hate Lays On Me" and it's pretty much a portion of the ABBA song "Lay All Your Love On Me" played backward.

"Mr. Splitfoot" is the song in the trailer for the new AMC series Walking Dead. Have you seen that? I may start watching it. I watched half of the first episode and it's pretty good.

Here are a couple of great finds this year from the album --

"Wolf Like Me" by TV On the Radio


"The Ghost Who Walks" by Karen Elson


I may tone it all down next year.

halloween movie ahoy!

Holy cow, has it nearly been a month since I've posted? I'm getting super lame.

Really busy this month though. I've been stressing out a lot about this year's Halloween movie. I think I'll finish it in time for the premiere at my house this Sunday at 6 p.m. What, you didn't hear? Well, check out the facebook invitation.

Facebook invitation

My house. Sunday. 6 P.M. Come over and then we'll go trick-or-treating.

Wanna see my super-rushed, crappily edited (in the wrong aspect ratio) trailer? Too bad. Watch it anyway.

here we go again

So I think I may be getting grosser and grosser every week. If you think I'm sort of a good person, don't watch. The crowd was wicked tough too. Oh well.

Thanks to Alex for getting this down. She snorted one time! That was funny.

sort of a weekly occurance

Alright. Quick announcement. ONCE AGAIN, I'll be doing open-mic night TOMORROW. Keep in mind that you're probably reading this tomorrow, which is WEDNESDAY. 8:00 at the Trolley Square Wiseguys is the important information. It's only five bucks, but FREE if you get up there too. It's not that scary. I only got injured once while doing it. I'm probably out of material, so MAYBE this is the last time I do it in a while. We'll see. I will tell ya though, I am a fan of the material I have this time around. More than usual.

standy 3

So... apologies. I know these may just be getting grosser and grosser. At least it's very very short this time. I also feel compelled to apologize because I forgot a couple of good jokes in the middle and also a very crucial set up that made the final joke much funnier (but also grosser). I said this on Twitter and Facebook already, but the keywords are garbage disposal, jellyfish, asparagus and then garbage disposal again. Here's a fun game! See if you can figure out what the jokes would have been based on the keywords I just gave! Okay fine, if you're that curious about the jokes, just come up and ask me.

the stand-up strikes back

So the stand-up went really really well I think. And thanks for everybody who came to check it out (all THREE of you). I'm not sure how I was able to pack the house last time. Hmm. Maybe I was so unfunny last time that nobody wanted to come back. Oh well. This time It may have been better because it was far shorter and tighter. Here it is. It's kind of hard to hear it, so I printed a rough transcript of it below the embed. probably the best way to view it is to play the video in an outside window and then glance at the blog if you miss something.



Woo! Yeah! Halloween is here! Halloween is here! It's my favorite season. Anybody like Halloween? Anybody like scary stories? It's my very favorite. I love love really really scary stories.

The most scary story in my opinion is the guy in the back seat of the car with the axe. Anybody ever been freaked out by that story? It's the scariest because you don't... it's it's like a suspenseful thing. You don't know how long he's been back there. Like for me and my car, I'll be like driving around. I'll be like (singing) "keep on pushin' my love over the border line! border line!" And then I hear this (stifled laughter). (pause) How long have you... been... back there? "For the past 11 songs ha ha!" But I thought I was alone! Oh no! You're not supposed to hear me singing in the car! And then he's like "Why do you only sing to the girl songs?" The girl songs make me feel prettyyy! Please stop laughing at me and please don't kill meeee!!! Hey! Salt n' Pepa! You wanna do a duet? "Yeah!" Kill me later. Kill me later.

So I recently started a new job -- and lost it -- but for the purposes of the next few jokes let's just say I'm still at the job. But like my favorite part of the new job is the orientation, you know. It's kind of like a free day. And y'know it doesn't really serve any purpose as far as I know it's just to help me integrate more with like some of the like Koreans and Japanese and Chinese and other Asians. That's what orientation's for, I dunno. So like, the best part of the orientation is all those sexual harassment videos that they show. Those are just like gold. I'm like taking so many notes. I'm like oh yeah. This is brilliant. This is perfect. This is great. But you know the human resources guy -- he sets me straight, he's like "No. No. You're not supposed to be taking notes during the sexual harassment videos. They're not to help you pick up girls.... If you have too much sexual harassment at work then that's grounds for termination." And I've been out of the workforce for so long that I don't even know the vernacular. I'm like termination? I'm thinkin' like The Terminator and like a terminal disease and then a crappy Tom Hanks movie. It's like really really foreboding stuff. But like what's termination again? What does that entail? He's like "Sir, when there is a termination that means some of your actions are so severe that you know there will be a firing--" A FIRING SQUAD?! What? All I did was pat your butt! I don't think it's really necessary for that I mean c'mon! Give me a break.

But human resources is great. I'm so happy that we have human resources to go to at our various jobs. I feel sorry for all the robots and chimps that I work with. They don't really have that aspect to go to. Which is why when I continue my sexual harassment at work, usually I exclu --

Um, actually sorry, are there any robots in here? Good, 'cuz I'm about to get really really racist right now.

I like to exclusively harass some of the robots at work because I'm like Hey! Hey Bolty! Drop another 50 pounds and you'll really be in my thoughts. What do you say we go to the maintenance closet anyway you dirty...

And then they're like "No. Please. Stop. Hostile. Work. Environment. Please. Stop."

I'm like who are you going to go to? Human Resources? You don't have a robot resources. There's no robot resources! What are you gonna do? Sorry. Hey chimp. Nice tail. Nice. Love it. Love it.

(I think right there I meant to say "Hey work monkey. Nice tail.")

It's great to be human. It's really good to be human. I love these times.

So um, dating's cool. It's not cool. I like dating and I love it when girls say -- this is like a common thing -- girls will always say this, like "Look, look, don't try to like sugar coat yourself or try too hard. Just be yourself! Be yourself!" Ladies, I think you should lay off the whole -- well not you know -- just take it easy, you know. Take it back because a lot of you don't know that like if we were to be ourselves like deep down, inside -- we're really horrible people. You should probably say "Hey, you know what? Um, pretend to be a good guy." The world would be a better place. Like when Eva Braun first started dating Hitler, she probably said, "You know what? Be yourself! Loosen up Adolf!" And he's like "What I really want to do is kill 6 million Jews." And she's like "Well okay! Wait. What? Okay well, just buy me stuff then." If she was a better person maybe she could have cut him down to like 3 million, I dunno.

the dumbest thing i've ever done (again)

I'm once again planning on doing open-mic stand-up -- TONIGHT. Please come and try to laugh.

Once again it's at Wiseguys at Trolley Square at 8:00 PM I believe. No idea when I'd actually go on. What they usually do is get everybody who signs up and then randomly draw the order. It's five bucks to get in, BUT it's free if you perform. You should do it too!

I think I'll talk about scary stories, workplace HR and Hitler. No doubt they'll only give me three minutes this time. Last time I took ten minutes but it was okay because I was last and I didn't actually realize that they were trying to wave me off the stage for seven minutes.

I'm hoping to get into a habit of doing this -- or at least doing it enough that I can do it without going into convulsive shakes before I go on (which is what happened last time).

it's scary movie time!

Alright! Yes we're doing this. Yes.

This year, the scary movie is a period piece from 1991. There will be blood. There will be special effects. There will be romance.

The plan is to start shooting SATURDAY (you know, 9/11). Hopefully we'll get the hard stuff first. We're not FULLY casted, but we will be soon. If you're into helping please join the facebook group and/or tell me/text me. Helping doesn't necessarily mean acting, but it does mean you're awesome.

JOIN THIS GROUP!