So I guess 2021 just happened. It was a lot like 2020, but this time I didn't attend any live Sundance screenings, so the list of new movies is dismaler than usual. Also there are A LOT of obvious blockbusters I just plain missed between outrageous Covid variants. Gotta say I love cinema, but also something's gotta be said for alone in my house because that's awesome too.
I've gotta say this every time, but please remember this list is incredibly subjective and numbers don't mean as much as letters (or rather words, anyway). And also, the length of these reviewoids varies greatly mostly depending on my mood the day I saw them. Sometimes I'm all talky talky and sometimes I'm all sleepy sleepy.
Top 26 Movies of 2021!
26. The Suicide SquadSorry there's just something about this Gunn guy that puts me off. It may be unfair for this movie to have that baggage with me before it even starts, but I'm sure I'd at least be annoyed not knowing the director. So much seems stitched together backward from the jokes — which therefore aren't as funny because with previous Gunn outings and a couple of Deadpools, we anticipate the irreverent tone way too far in advance. With so much effort put into perfect delivery catered to an audience every character seems all too aware of, there's just no way for me to believe this universe exists anywhere other than the real-life mind of a sniggering, self-congratulatory James Gunn. I'm sure he's a super cool guy and fun to hang around IRL, but I just wish I could hang around at least one other fun person during the running time of one of his movies. Hey also, they should have ditched the Viola Davis character for this one. Yes she's a respected actor and everything, but all I can think of is that Jenny Nicholson YouTube clip where she calls out the dumbness of the first movie. One thing this movie does not need is to be weighed down by the first movie's completely different lousiness.
25. 8-Bit Christmas
Well this one is definitely my vibe with the whole “on a quest to play Nintendo because I didn't have my own back in the 80s” kind of thing, but I don't like how it cribs from my two least-favorite kids movies: the exact plot of A Christmas Story and the incessant kids yelling at each other for 97 minutes of The Goonies.
24. Cruella
She's less fun as evil and I don't think it's the slightest bit of a spoiler to say she ends up evil. Lots of conviction in a ride I may have just been too tired to join. It's one of those weird Disney vibes that seems to drone on and on. The music drops help, but then after a while one just gets so sick of 100 music drops.
23. Respect
Aretha Franklin played by my gal Jennifer Hudson! Interesting use of delayed flashbacks to bring a hindsight perspective, but also the movie loses the present context before the delayed information is revealed. Poor biopics. They tend to be so standard and straightforward, but mildly experimental ones make us actually miss the expected routine.
22. Palmer
AppleTV movie with Justin Timberlake as a hillbilly taking care of a fierce (in the fashion sense) young child! Well of course Juno Temple abandons her kid for a while. She's in England bein' all white trash on Ted Lasso!
21. WeWork: or The Making and Breaking of a $47 Billion Unicorn
Documentary on one of those company scams that gets people all pumped but then suddenly loses stock value when people realize the company value is all fake and stuff. Points off for not properly explaining to me why a company that rents office space uses so many employees (or maybe just points off for yet again showing me how dumb I am). Some points for giving in to my incessant and petty need to see woo-hoo parties stop.
20. Black Widow
Some lovely chuckles in this (e.g. the falling helicopter), but I'm left with few toeholds to latch onto. Afterward, my lovely watchmate mentioned the casual list of semi-feminist items the movie checks off. Some of 'em: men controlling reproductive abilities, buffoonishly unnecessary men, and obviously women's pockets. While I usually prefer the less-spoken approach, I feel more overt statements would've been nice. For me anyway, the movie makes reference to a couple of feminist thoughts without the balls to really speak about the references. Well, the reproductive speech says a lot actually. It's still undercut with a bit of reproductive organ humor.
19. Coming 2 America
A lot of old and new faces are crammed in and all seem happy to be around. There's also a lot of trudging plot that's less happy to be around. The little bit of a new brother/sister dynamic feels very refreshing. Like how many movies are about a brother and sister? Methinks the new love story wouldn't be missed with more time devoted to a Bart/Lisa-esque sib thing. Eddie Murphy is admirable for stepping aside as much as he does, but hey Eddie, for your sake (and our sakes) be way more indulgent for the third one, because you're always welcome. Also, way to be a sport, Louie Anderson.
18. Zack Snyder's Justice League
Yeah better than before. And it looks better, at least from what I remember. It's mostly the same original footage, so I don't know why they coated the last movie in mud. Also the four hours fly by but also only like two things happen. It's like wallowing in a hot tub of comic bookiness.
17. The French Dispatch
Wes Anderson out Wes Andersons himself again somehow. Very charmed by the middle segment with Paul Atreides. Less so by the other two. I wish oh I wish his movies were more than projected at me and I was drawn into some reality beyond the exterior perfection. The perfect Wes Anderson-ness is almost like a brick wall displaying his mural. I'd like to walk around in it, but it doesn't welcome me.
16. Candyman
Okay I didn't see the Tony Todd one so I went in fresh. My fears are true though that the Candyman franch has a bit of a Hereditary problem with a bit too much lore and too many rules to follow. Here's a list of Candyman elements: I Know What You Did Last Summer hook for hand, My Girl bees, Bunuel razor blades, A Nightmare on Elm Street body burns, Watcher in the Woods mirror stuff, Friday the 13th Part V mantle-taking, Voldemort-like name chanting, and Mandy Moore candy (I think I'm missing a few). Buuuut the last 20% introduces a sort of side harpoon that calls into question the overall concept of this world's heroes and villains. The Peele-ian twist is a bit delightful in its cruelty with real-world implications.
15. Life in a Day 2020
This was my only Sundance movie and it was just the free one shown online for locals. It's a crowd-sourced document of a single day (July 25th, 2020) throughout the world. By definition it's moving, but surprisingly takes a bit to get into. Thankfully the piece is front-stacked with the most egregious wannabe YouTube stars. There should be more masks. There should be more silence. BUT I see how it worked out the way it did. Obviously we as individuals are more likely to broadcast those special events that are as far away from Covid drudgery as possible. There's lots of documented smiles, with a theme of weary sadness in the background. Checked my phone on that day and unfortunately my only footage was a screen grab of a weird empty text from an unfamiliar number.
14. Billie Eilish: The World's a Little Blurry
Gonna give Billie Eilish my fondest emotion — jealousy. She's real good at opening up like a scab. Intensely personal but tapping into a sound familiar to all, but familiar to our deep dank dark depths. But back to the scab. Hopefully this weird family has a chance to scab over. Every second is just so intense. At one point her dad praises the songwriting as, what was it? Duncan Sheik-ish I think? Then the brother cuts into the praise with a remark about how people who don't write songs can only compare one songwriter's song to another. It's a cutting comment response to an inadvertent cutting comment and that's a lot of bleeding. Anyway, good luck Eilish Family. Hopefully you'll be able to relax soon. Back to the jealousy though. I wish I were 17 again and a musician again and had great hair again and a girl again.
13. Nobody
Bob Odenkirk chooses violence splendidly.
12. No Sudden Move
Didn't even watch very closely, but nevertheless love how quickly it meanders away from a plotline tailor-made from the film's title. If you've seen this already, remember how Kieran Culkin is in this? Don't you just love how he's mastered the character with 100% of the confidence and 0% of the precision? Also lots of other people are here in this here movie. Check IMDb for more names than that. There's a rolling constricted image on the sides of the screen that I hope to one day understand if this movie is ever discussed by anyone ever again, but it's a Soderbergh dumped into the Netflix black hole so that's not likely.
11. The Eyes of Tammy Faye
The cycle of judgment is so strange. All I remember about Tammy Faye Bakker is that she was fair game. Fair game for how she looked and fair game for actually having a positive attitude. The Bakkers committed crimes and perhaps deserved being taken down a bit, but time is a little bit kind in this case. It's current sensibilities that provide this kind of vindication. I can tell ya, in the twisted world of Christianity there are quite a few embedded pitfalls. The Bakkers' consumerism is a bad bad thing, but far worse than that particular problem is that it covered up the worse levels of seeping Christian intolerance. Tammy Faye is mockable, sure. In the same way Ned Flanders is mockable. After the mockings have settled, that's when the genuineness of good Christian inclusion is finally seen.
10. Ghostbusters: Afterlife
Like the original, shot like a drama with an extremely earnest score. That's the big difference between this and the humor-dense girl version. Just a tiny bit of light harmless absurdity seeps through and it's a bit more noticeable in these earnest conditions. I like the kids. They don't yell like most kids do in most kids movies. Turns out after claiming I like it, I saw that all those I respect on the internet did not. So maybe this movie is actually bad, but let's take as many positive things as they happen as we can.
9. Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings
There's such a charm in allowing us into the whoosh of floating martial arts movies so early in the film. It's a different sort of fantasy I only get as a vacationing American who rarely leaves his house. Then there's that grand bus sequence with Awkwafina doing what she does best — being a weird friend you love having around because she's not just funny, but she's also brave enough to take the wheel. Then there's the expected CGI dragonfest we were all expecting. It's not the most annoying CGI sequence ever; it's dark but gets the job totally done. If only they figured out a way to reverse order all these sequences I've mentioned. Then we'd leave the theater feeling the magic rather than the illusions.
8. Annette
First of all -- "??????" Some of the songs are worse than others, but still feels pretty operatic — in the sense that when I'm at the literal opera a lot of the songs aren't over the top, but actually going through the motions. Hmmm, maybe we should re-think the phrase “operatic.” ????? Uhh that puppet is actually really cute and I warmed up to it a lot, but then I realize there's nothing like the emotive eyes of an actual little girl and this movie proves it. Urggghh Adam Driver's comedian is so hilarious in that it's based on 150% attitude and negative 300% humor. ????? Ummmmmmmmm ??????? What is this movie?????? ? Anyway the beginning song is so great and the end song is pretty good and I so wish those middle things were more like songs.
7. The Sparks Brothers
This documentary on Sparks really helped me get through the music of Annette. Edgar Wright's over the top humor and style is pretty restrained and limited to slyly clever interviewee titles. That's a necessity considering the mind-bogglingly large amount of Sparks content to get through. There's obvious affection for the subject that Wright doesn't derail with his own wicked style. Sparks' wickedness is so under the surface we can only get a hint of it with content bombardment—kind of with the same pleasure of going down a Wikipedia hole of a band you're peripherally familiar with (but with the added bonus of an audio montage to supplement your reading).
6. Barb & Star Go to Vista Del Mar
Watched in two parts. Part 1 at 2 in the morning and part 2 at 11 at night. Part 1 is uproariously much funnier…probably because of that whole time situation. Watch this either very late or very early.
5. Titane
Right now I'm pushed to the limits on just how random Titane is. A few months from now I may find more thematic brilliance, but that doesn't come at the time of watching this crime of sanity. Maybe that's a good sign. As absurd and supernatural as this is, it still feels so real. Even though I have a hard time plot-wise getting into the absurd final two-thirds, there's no question the movie's presence is visceral. It's like I watched it on my back and the movie screen pressed up against me. I think this movie's trailer took primarily from the pre-credits sequence, so expectations fly in the wrong direction just a few minutes in. Anyway, titanium is some kind of high-tension material I guess, so the tension between desperately psychotic behavior and delusionally redemptive behavior carries it on far past anything healthy. Somebody please check on Julia Ducournau.
4. No Time to Die
This is a long long Bond, but it's at least on the good side of the Daniel Craig experiment. Give it up to Ana De Armas for avenging all the aloof Bond girls not smart enough to get out of the way of the bullets. And boy, as executive producer, Daniel Craig REALLY wanted out of his Bond contract didn't he?
3. Dune
I thought I'd hate it because it would dismiss the Lynch version but it's actually pretty hilarious how reverent this is to Lynch's. I read the book last summer and wasn't a super big fan, but it's a world that came along at the right time. I think this is mostly good vibes of all those moviegoers so very desperate to get off this planet and move past this time. Or perhaps Villenueve has perfected The Voice.
2. Judas and the Black Messiah
So if I were to look at still images of Daniel Kaluuya and Lakeith Stanfield, I would assume Kaluuya is the subdued and consistent one while Stanfield is the outrageous chameleon. Kaluuya just has that subdued face, but somehow every role I see him in is vastly different from the last and I don't recognize him. I've sort of complained about Stanfield in the past because he feels so much more caged-in when I expect him to explode outward. He fits here though. The soft downturn on the outside of his eyes shows a weighty burden more than the restrained dialogue. These guys are good, real good is what I'm saying. Beyond that, yeah the movie's pretty riveting too. It's brave enough to portray some Panthers with enough violence to complicate the justice aspect, but easily keeps the sympathies with them. We're kept in the frustration of the movement. When Fred Hampton is confronted with a plan to escalate to more blatant destruction to further the cause (albeit in a sting sorta way — watch the movie), he responds with violence to the messenger without coming up with an alternate solution or even salving philosophy. What's a revolution without complexity, right? It's tough, but one can't deny the exhilaration and confirming importance of hearing “I am... a revolutionary!”
1. The Green Knight
Kill your source material. Good, because I don't remember the original story. Find the new honor. Actually, question the very concept of honor. How much of your so-called honor is manufactured by kings and bureaucrats? More importantly, how does honor or anything else stand up in the face of the inevitability of death? This thing is moody and contemplative and lovely for the eyes if nothing else. I don't usually mention my podcast on here, but we had a great talk about this one (and Dune and Annette) so if you wanna talk about it with me, get at least half of the conversation right here.
The 105 Old Movies I Watched That I'd Never Seen Before!
105. Dream a Little Dream 2 (1995)I've gone through so much turmoil in dealing with the first movie. I thought maybe, just maybe, this second movie would help me develop some kind of understanding, or at least closure. Instead they went ahead and made a completely different movie with a completely different vibe — but equally, oh so equally harmful.
104. Henry Fool (1997)
My first dip into Hal Hartley, a name I've heard many times but somehow never heard the name of one of his films. There's such a massive course correction two-thirds in that it's like anti-auteur. Is it possible that one man could have such a unique non-vision that a committee's direction would have a more solid voice? I thiiink I like the later tone slightly more than the insufferable quirky beginning, but my needle had already come out of the groove at that point.
103. No Such Thing (2001)
I'm getting more and more obsessed with Hal Hartley. It's fascinating how opposite our sensibilities are. Once again he sets a tone at the beginning for more sloggy than a more original (and short) middle. If only the movie just started that way rather than set up the same old pixie and hilarously sweary beast thing, then I might have had a chance to get a little into it. Ultimately it feels like the quirk here isn't a natural byproduct of imagination, but rather something assigned to the movie as a project. Hey also the music is an incessant Casio-flavored plinking that just never stops. Watched the credits to check out the culprit and sure enough, music by: Hal Hartley. But Sarah Polly is hot in her black straps and Iceland has some pretty hot scenery.
102. Troma's War (1988)
Citizens stumble into a warzone. Kinda like a more gooey Black Hawk Down.
101. Gabriela (1983)
Such dull people don't deserve all that graphic sex.
100. Vamps (2012)
Looks like Amy Heckerling is getting old and getting grouchy about cell phones and stuff. Also, boy oh boy does this thing have a bland look. Like parents filming their kids in a high school play sorta bland. Giving some benefits of doubt and assuming the desired look is to emulate a Saved By the Bell-type sitcom.
99. The Wolfman (2010)
Based on the type and quality of the CGI this is the longest episode of Doctor Who yet.
98. Song to Song (2017)
Twelfth best movie about two people staring longingly at one another five feet apart in a well-lit room! Terrence Malick can really make you think when he doesn't phone it in.
97. Year of the Dragon (1985)
Boy he really insists on wearing that pretentious hat, huh? Here I am still neck-deep in 80s Rourke sleaze and as a lousy person I'm willing to forgive his character's laughable out of touch ways, but the movie weirdly insists that I then care about one of the most embarrassing love stories ever filmed. The violence is pretty alright.
96. The Lodge (2019)
Moody enough to keep interest, but also weighed down by a couple of pretty noticeable things. What seems to be a great trajectory of character development (atm I'm flogging myself for using "character development" in my review) quickly turns into something more superficial (and then turned back around as quickly as revealed). Paired with that, the point of view moves away from the perspective of a downward spiral to the observation of a downward spiral. I'm all for perspective changes, but not when it shifts away from the interesting one. Again though, plenty moody to keep interest.
95. The Devil All the Time (2020)
I'll be honest. I got distracted in the first few minutes by something IRL, but the movie just refused to let me back in. Between the incessant narration, the incessant old-timey needle drops, and the incessant plinking score (when the old-timey tunes aren't playing), I only got the sense of a bunch of city boys trying to educate me, a country boy, of country life. Every single line seems worked and overworked into some kind of hickish translation that overemphasizes the effort made to transport us to Hicksville. The result is every character robbed of every sincere breath.
94. Dr. Cyclops (1940)
Fun! An evil doctor shrinks some unsuspecting victims several decades before Honey I Shrunk the Kids. It's weird how green screen technology hasn't progressed much since 1940, but green screen acting has developed eons.
93. The 10th Victim (1965)
With a goofy Muzak organ accompaniment and all the bright sixties fashion changes, it's a bit like being stuck in the Wii Mii Lobby and the miis keep shooting each other. The end picks up a bit from an emptier beginning. Expecting a commentary on modern media, but it's really more about relationship walls and baggage.
92. Light of Day (1987)
Kind of wish Joan Jett had more rein of the overall music. Her infectious "This Means War" is a great tune that's stubbornly embedded in the first half (maybe too much quality Jett would get in the way of some other scenes seemingly saying she's not quality). The rest of the movie is a plodding war between the tacky and plasticy religious Gena Rowlands and the angrily naive Jett. Michael J. Fox is the annoyed fulcrum between the two and apparently that exhausts him from exhibiting his rock 'n roll stage presence from Back to the Future. Also, crazy to cast Michael McKean a couple of years after Spinal Tap. David St. Hubbins on bass? My head is still spinning (but not as much as from finding out a young Trent Reznor is here as well, prancing around with the exceptionally non-pure synthy band called The Problems).
91. Cocktail (1988)
"Sir I'd just like a drink please. Please stop tossing the bottle to yourself. No I'd rather not sing with you. I have cancer."
90. Swallow (2019)
A woman swallows lots of things because she has past trauma and issues with herself as a housewife and future mother. Lotta premise for 90 minutes, then just a touch of progression and meaning toward the end. The penultimate scene vastly takes away from the ultimate scene, but that's just my o.
89. The Fearless Vampire Killers (1967)
I think it's meant to have the feel of a raucus sixties swinging costume ball, but it's more sort of like if some Spirit Halloween store decorations came alive and made a movie.
88. The Ice Storm (1997)
I believe these people have problems, but they're not my problems. They're similar to problems of people I know, but really the vibe is these are movie problems and the performances are contained in the screen. I walked through this one like a frozen and non-living menagerie of misery.
87. Someone to Watch Over Me (1987)
What's up with the milky filter on all these mid-80s films? It's like you know in Instagram one of the available edits is "fade"? Why are so many films from this era so "fadey" like that? Are they all transferred from VHS now? Anyway this is an alright Lifetime movie full of forlornness.
86. Cut Off (2018)
Desperate people find clues to a killer within the bodies of the killer's victims. Pretty clever, but ya gotta be cleverx100 to justify wallowing in your own sickness like this.
85. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009)
Dazzling and weird yes, but I get the feeling General Chang, Spider-Man2, and all the Jokerclones don't have any faith in this weirdness.
84. Nightbreed (1990)
So Clive Barker directed a movie called Nightbreed based on a Clive Barker book called Cabal. At first I'm thinkin' hey if it's your thing how does it spin out enough for a title change? Then along come like 20 characters that each need about 20 novel pages of explanation.
83. Honest Thief (2016)
Work had a virtual watch party with this and as part of the party I got a Grubhub gift credit. I ordered some hot & sour soup, pot stickers, and drunken noodles from J. Wong's. The soup hit the spot right away and I only had two pot stickers before I was totally full. I got to eat the noodles the next day, so big bonus. I love this movie! (Hey also there's a part where Qui-Gon very obviously breaks Burn Notice's arm but then the next shot has Burn Notice with both hands up like normal without any weird dangling at all)
82. The Quiet Man (1952)
John Wayne goes to Ireland to punch his way to a wife. Kind of dramatic and gross.
81. Comic Book Confidential (1988)
Watched on a Saturday afternoon because it was apparently expiring on Criterion at the end of that month. I feel slightly guilty that I don't get too into alt comics and tend to perk up more with the superhero interpretations. There's a tremendous Shriekback needle drop.
80. The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)
What even is "curse" of Frankenstein? Is it color-blindness? Cuz that I get and I'm sure it interferes with his scientist work. I think the curse is he's just a huge asshole though.
79. Harold and Maude (1971)
Look, when I'm super depressed and death-obsessed I don't usually come out of it just because the person who tells me to is super old.
78. Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)
Not that bad! But also makes me realize to my horror the first one might not be that good.
77. Embattled (2020)
The idea of a dad spitefully challenging his son to a public fight for money is kind of an idea too ridiculous for a movie but I look forward to boycotting such an inevitable IRL event a year or so from now.
76. My Octopus Teacher (2020)
This is really cool and fascinating, but I just need to hear at least one other voice in the narration. Shoulda got that octopus as a talking head.
75. Hercules (1997)
Dialogue similar to the people of Aladdin's Agrabah circa 500 B.C. or whatever—like a bunch of Hollywood meeting-takers.
74. The Crow (1994)
It's sad I know that I've recently been watching so many deep 80s movies for the first time and praising them, while this quintessential 90s movie (yet strangely unwatched by me until now) sort of annoys me. Maybe I just didn't like myself as much in the 90s. Maybe also there's such an over-stylization that each loud element calls out the artifice of all the other loud elements rather than complementing them. Brandon Lee stands on top of a building and wails on a guitar kind of like how Robert Hamburger pictures a ninja wailing on a guitar.
73. The Comfort of Strangers (1990)
Okay so I'm not usually very gay, but seeing a very young, skinny, and CUT Rupert Everett kinda forced me into lifting weights and doing a bunch of crunches while this was on. It wasn't so much like hey I can totally look like this guy, but a little more like hey maybe he's watching me as I'm watching him sorta thing. Anyway the movie is about a couple that meets a more perverted couple and we only get a little bit of full-Walken.
72. Sliding Doors (1998)
Ahh the 90s—when men were shagged for being adorkable-adjacent. I do not like the love interest in this film. He is the man you like that I find terrible.
71. The Return of the King (1980)
After an hour of wholly oppressive folk music, the soundtrack is finally redeemed with the fantastic orc marching song "When There's a Whip, There's a Way."
70. Kicking and Screaming (1995)
I dunno maybe a better title is something like Doing That Thing Where You Just Go Real Limp So You're Impossible to Move
69. The King of Staten Island (2020)
Some stuff happens, but [spoiler?] hardly anything. Here's the weird thing. I watched the little 14-minute making of too and in that Apatow and everybody go on and on about how this is so true to Pete Davidson's life and how this is helping therapize him and all that. But but but here's the weird thing. Davidson's really good and (to me anyway) it feels like it's coming from just old-fashioned acting rather than documentary re-enactments. Pete, do something different. You can do it and I can watch it and you won't need to spend the rest of your life reliving your own life. Judd, go back in time and make this movie with Bieber or somebody. Pete Davidson can still consult.
68. Betsy's Wedding (1990)
Dating dudes named Jake, showing up Ally Sheedy in the glamour department, sewing an ugly dress on her big day — it's Molly Ringwald's greatest hits!
67. Heidi (1937)
Shirley Temple plays a sorta less deathy version of Anne Frank kinda. A Christian one. That lives.
66. Phenomena (1985)
There's a bit too much swimming around this movie and also the sludge corpse pit Jennifer Connelly falls into.
65. Halloween II (1981)
A fine long coda with a ton of death. A quick dessert to the first. Keeping it within the same Halloween night provides that sleekness. Not a fan of the plot developments, but as trashy as it leans, still far more appealing than any Friday the 13th.
64. The Rainmaker (1997)
Standard law, but with a convenient Devito to scurry into the nooks and crannies too big for a normal-sized lawyer.
63. French Kiss (1995)
Peak Meg Ryan letting her Meg Ryanness overtake whatever loss she may have had. Not peak Kevin Kline because of course he's no Otto, but my watchmate certainly disagrees.
62. The Lord of the Rings (1978)
Check the date. This is the Bakshi version. What a bizarre method of making a movie with sweaty frames per second animation and de-glossed live action. Every seam is seen with such a Frankenstein production. But what lovely impressionistic seams! The Peter Jackson films might be better maybe, but the lo-fi wonder of this feels truer to Tolkien.
61. Tin Cup (1996)
If Rene Russo's already paying attention before The U.S. Open why does it even matter how many shots you take during The U.S. Open? Actually, a non-stressed Kevin Costner is great fun.
60. The Grifters (1990)
Yeah grifting is complicated and fraught with weird baggage that scuttles relationships, but can't we have a bit more fun with the grift before all that bleeding happens?
59. Rumble Fish (1983)
The black and white works wonders with the camera movement and inexplicable town cloud invasion. Imagining it in color and somehow I think it would be excruciating. There's different ADR for Matt Dillon and Mickey Rourke right? I think Rourke's tiny distant voice is supposed to aurally symbolically distance him from Dillon but it just makes me agitated and makes my nose bleed. Also the movie insists on not naming Mickey Rourke's character. It gets realllly distracting after like the seventh "motorcycle boy." What's up with movies that don't give people names? Not useful.
58. Natalie Wood: What Remains Behind (2020)
Obviously my Brainstorm viewing made me obsessed with discovering the truth of Natalie Wood's death. I'm blindsided by how uncontroversial this document is. I suppose I should have known if I knew anything at all about the film's rep. Maybe I'll tell you now—this thing isn't scintillating tabloid, but rather a family's fond memory. If foul play was involved I guess we don't get justice here, but if its hopeful conclusions are true, then at least we can wallow in this comfort. Still, I won't rest until I figure out how the woman in Love With the Proper Stranger and Brainstorm are the same person.
57. A Dangerous Method (2011)
Michael Fassbender's Carl Jung and Viggo Mortensen's Sigmund Freud are split apart by Keira Knightley. Oh Jung! You're so uptight, yet such a dreamer! Like him, I'm open to the weird stuff, but it's also why I quit being a psych major.
56. Nomadland (2020)
I think I'll continue to let the discourse carry on around me. All I know is I have a very hard time waking up cold and having perpetually dirty hands. I get nervous camping. So yeah I totally feel the draft and dust in the picture and I'm not sure I could ever catch my breath as a nomad. Well I guess nobody does. Even those willing to give up city boy comforts are still plenty sentimental. That's the last thing to sacrifice.
55. Steel Magnolias (1989)
Totally Team MacLaine.
54. The Long Good Friday (1980)
Bob Hoskins tries to Tony Soprano his gang without the guidance of Tony Soprano, but with a feisty and fun Helen Mirren. Had to watch with subtitles and 90% of them are like [🎵aggressive synth music🎵] or [inaudible]. Great flick. Lotta wankers.
53. Brainstorm (1983)
Natalie Wood and Christopher Walken dabble in a bit of early 80s VR. Would that Walken hack Wood? James Horner is the real MVP by providing a score that elevates a stick it to the government heist into something that seems existential and important. It must have been too much pressure for the actual story to solve the meaning of life because the family of Natalie Wood (who scandalously died during production) would have wanted those answers. Still, this movie walks so Flatliners and Strange Days could run (or jog at least).
52. Santo and Blue Demon Against the Monsters (1970)
Hey what you don't got in monster quality, just make it up in monster volume.
51. Equinox (1970)
What an adorable mix of Manos and Evil Dead. Sam Raimi owes this one pretty big.
50. Backbeat (1994)
The Beatles! Back when they had another guy! Glad John, I guess, finally embraced that sense of humor just a bit and lightened up after these events (maybe). Not sure at all why he says "Never mind the bollocks" though.
49. Hearts of Darkness: A Filmmaker's Apocalypse (1991)
This Coppola guy could have saved like $20 mil if he'd just turned the cameras around. He could've at least played that Kurtz guy. Oh, this is that rough and slapdash documentary about the making of Apocalypse Now. And speaking of...
48. Apocalypse Now (1979)
I should appreciate the miracle of it all and decide for myself what it means, but knowing Coppola, Sheen, and Brando were more confused than I was kinda spoils it a bit for me.
47. Funny Face (1957)
I don't think I laughed even once whilst observing her face.
46. Ulysses (1954)
Kirk Douglas as Italian Odysseus! The Italians stole Kirk Douglas's husky voice!
45. One Night in Miami (2020)
Hey Malcolm X, Cassius Clay, Jim Brown, Sam Cooke -- you don't need to isolate! No virus! Get out!
44. The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Good grades for muppet stuff as always. Less grades for the Christmas Carol interpretation, which is far more underwhelming than I've been led to believe by the thousands of takes I've heard over the years saying it's actually the best version.
43. The Trial of the Chicago 7 (2020)
It's weird how little I know about the 60s, but weirder perhaps that the more I learn, the smaller the world of the 60s becomes (ie the side-watch events of Judas and the Black Messiah). One Sorkin-y thing that's bugged me in the past is his characters all seem more like him rather than themselves, but he's unleashed here. He must've had fun because the whole movie concept is how very different these characters are despite being on the nebulously organized same side. Sorkin totally has more room than usual in hammering the characters out, so at least the beginning is actually more fun Sorkin than usual (until he Sorkins them all into Sorkinformity).
42. Another Round (2020)
Weird that this was up for directing but not picture in the 2020 Oscars. Why is that? Turns out it's really, really well directed—specifically. Despite it being in the language of my blood, I don't know a single word in Danish, yet the acting and interaction between all the characters is more truthful than just about anything else I've seen lately. I'm thinking that's not a case of ten or so perfect performances, but rather... one perfect direction (grain of salt though because I'm still trying to figure out how and why humans behave). Also, being responsible is dignified and all that, but it is burdened with the lameness of getting old. It's a step closer to dying, really. What a life.
41. Clouds of Sils Maria (2014)
Kristen Stewart's youth threatens Juliette Binoche's experience. The Power of Tell: The Movie. All those blog posts and podcasts and Letterboxd reviews and memories about some piece of art make the piece truer maybe than it was ever supposed to become. Truer than silly lifeless reality. Also, this reality's acting circle has an extended X-Men Universe rather than the standard MCU of our reality and I'm all about that, especially the costumes.
40. Black Rain (1989)
I like. I like the close shots and the claustrophobia of a foreign setting bleeding in from outside the frame. It's got a similar feel to Blade Runner in that way. I don't necessarily like the third act insistence that the right way is to loudly and Americanly just shoot everyone. But I still like; the vibe is more than the message.
39. Bill & Ted Face the Music (2020)
A bit of a fun concept watching the old generation looking for answers in the future and the young generation looking to the past. I think Alex Winter's more in the right frame for this than Keanu Reeves. The Logan name however, is saved by the slack-jawed contributions of Brigette Lundy-Paine as Billie Logan. These throwbacks are only so charming with old people pretending to be young, but finding the same adorable traits in actual progeny puts some actual human experience worth in the thing.
38. In Search of Darkness - Part II (2020)
Yes rating this high, maybe too high. To be clear, this is just people talking about 80s horror movies for hours and hours and hours. Yes it's long but they change subjects every five minutes so the refractory period is disposable. It's not a culmination, but like 100 tiny lovely peaks. In the decades since December 31st 1989, I've thrown myself into deep study of the 80s. I'm finally starting to realize that there were a finite amount of minutes and people in the decade. Someday, not soon I hope, I'll have consumed every single experience. Stuff like this is the kind of fast track that gets me high.
37. The Robe (1953)
Richard Burton carries the robe of a dead Jesus! Totally my kind of Biblical dramatics, but without the burden of actually being a Biblical story.
36. A Bridge Too Far (1977)
It's World War II and EVERYONE'S in this one. If you don't want spoilers though, don't read the title.
35. The Philadelphia Story (1940)
Jimmy Stewart shows Katharine Hepburn some real cool dad energy! More the result of a dizzy whirlpool than a yare course of true love but hey that's what boats are for.
34. Coming to America (1988)
Another one of those "I THINK I've seen this," but then it starts and is immediately so iconic yet unrecognizable and I'm like cool I'm in for the first time. All the gags (the Soul Glo stains on the couch, barber shop magic make-up, etc.) I'm familiar with from just being alive forever are more giggly when invested. This thing is so much a Disney princess movie. Like all those Disney properties, CtA finds a way for me to abandon my usual anti-royalty tendencies and let being rich be the ultimate problem that gets in the way of true love.
33. The Witches of Eastwick (1987)
Relate a lot to the devil but not apologizing it's just a movie. Strangely filled to the brim with a bunch of unexpected metaphorical particles I'll be glad to unpack later. There's also a great shot of the three women that's the kind of super sexy that only comes before treachery. What do ya know there's a car sequence especially delivered by the Mad Max maestro. Richard Jenkins existed and was basically the same in 1987! This movie doesn't have it all, but maybe has too many things.
32. 8 1/2 (1963)
Hey what's cool is an introspective look at a man's creation of art, but what's HOT is the woman revealing that man as a liar.
31. Altered States (1980)
So weirdsies and disconnected but hey why not make a movie about the weird connections of things that don't make sense? Ultimately the right mix of drug-induced psychedelia and whatever it is that literally crawls under the skin.
30. Streets of Fire (1984)
What even is this? I suppose MTV had been around for a few years so Walter Hill was like hey let's make a movie-length music video. Not a video with a ton of music, mind you, but rather a movie-length music video scene. An hour and a half in a world that can only possibly make sense in setting and tone with verses and choruses to distract from the setting and tone. Rather than music, each spoken line is a goofy cliche. Every. One. For 94 minutes. No that's not a complaint. Yes I'm impressed. And yes it's also not devoid of music. Besides the unusual rockabilly score, there are the Purple Rain-esque performance bookends that act more as pulsing bonuses than part of the whole. I never see this movie listed as a special screening or a midnight movie. I think this is more cult VHS. I formally request a theatric screening. I think this sort of ancient absurdity is the type of thing to be enveloped into with a pack of strangers in the dark.
29. Phantom of the Paradise (1974)
A whirlwind of lush rock operaness, the whole thing is completely worth it for the end credit character summary montage. Also, I don't think this is the best use of the split screen but thank you De Palma for doing it anyway. It's been up to us, society, to find a better split screen use, but we didn't bother. De Palma, I'm sorry your split screen pioneering was in vain. Still better than single screen at least. Also, the Phantom here is obviously the inspiration for Marilyn Manson's look. Too bad I'm giving that look publicity at the worst time in Marilyn Manson history.
28. Incendies (2010)
Weird to go back to something so Earthly when Denis Villenueve has made a Hollywood career out of crazy off-world sci-fi. Earth suits him well. The reality is raw here and when the final craziness reveals itself, after catching my breath initially thinking it's wrong to have such depravity, I realize it all fits just fine. An eye of hope and an eye of despair combine for a strange three-dimensional perspective, indeed.
27. Nine 1/2 Weeks (1986)
Actually quite a long time to maintain a boner... Okay but this movie can't be made today. I'm not saying that in the usual sense. This wouldn't be allowed today yes, but what I really mean is this movie CAN'T be made. Nobody making movies today is capable of re-creating this type of sexiness. Not this LEVEL of sexiness, but this type. This is something that can only be made using the atoms in existence on Earth in 1986 that were hovering slightly above and slightly within the skin of Kim Basinger. This movie is so dated. Perhaps it's the most dated and that's what's so fascinating. It's like being trapped in a Nagel painting. That said, is this movie sexy? Well, I think so yeah. That's all it is. Is that the point? Yeah I guess. Among the giggles and excitement and elation can the harsh unhappy inevitability be viscerally and constantly felt just below the surface? Definitely (the title really helps with that). Sometimes maybe the worst abuse is the abuse we ask for. Guessing the book does a better job of putting us in Basinger's malfunctioning love-juiced head. Rather, it's easier for us to resent them rather than relate to them. Especially Mickey Rourke. I'm really starting to dislike his eighties work. His smile is more shit-eating than smarmy and that look isn't even on the spectrum of appealing. Also what's up with his tiny quiet voice? Speak up man! Somehow we gave him three more decades not knowing what he said in the first one.
26. Barton Fink (1991)
Never had seen and reeling slightly that a Coen picture this early is perhaps the most abstract and confoundingly allegorical. There are two big burdens of a writer: too much freedom and too many constraints. The movie knocks both around at frustratingly inopportune times. "You don't listen," a character says. Maybe that's the secret. Don't indulge in self-importance. Just listen. That's when your characters come alive... and threaten you I guess. Or maybe a wrestling movie is just a bad idea to begin with.
25. The Cat o' Nine Tails (1971)
Murders in blood-soaked Italy! James Franciscus is a cross between Bradley Cooper and Guy Pierce so it's no wonder he can bed a science lab heiress just by staring her down. Also, the heiress is totally ON POINT with her pastel sleeves. Fun murders too.
24. Notting Hill (1999)
Standard Hugh Grant charm, but with pounds and pounds of wistful apprehension in his eyes. English pounds.
23. Boys State (2020)
Gotta teach 'em young. Being right is the most important. Speak until the world agrees. Could you imagine going to this political cheerleading camp though? I wouldn't last, but these kids are having the time of their life.
22. The Rider (2017)
So there's that question of how much of this is narrative fiction and how much is more of a documentary, but the answer is obvious: this is 100% reality TV (minus the television I guess). It's really exactly like The Hills, right? I mean this is Lauren and Whitney or whoever was in that show, where they act like themselves in manufactured situations, yeah? It's just a bit less vapid—although hey cowboyism is its own set of vanity, still. The experiment is interesting—making The Hills with nobler emotions. The immediate tragedy here though is the obviousness of different levels of natural acting talent among non-actors. Brady Jandreau is quite good. Most of the others are quite bad. It's too bad this style couldn't be refined by director Chloe Zhao. This thing is maybe too specifically one-of-a-kind as she's jumped so immediately to Hollywood actors and Marvel. Best actor of all though? Definitely the sky.
21. The Most Dangerous Game (1932)
Not sure if it's the best writing for little Fay Wray and damsels in distress are just so uncool, but hey I'm a fan now. Her face is a painting that's filled with more than the words she's gotta say. Also these 62-minute movies sure are an easy swallow.
20. Cosmopolis (2012)
There's this Kids in the Hall recurring sketch with the businessmen who grunt the word "business" over and over and then carefully hand each other business cards. I think the point is that caring only about business is nothing but empty. This movie miiiight be saying the same thing, but I'm obviously unsure. There's a striking point to every line delivered like a text-to-speech robot, but I think maybe it's about the emptiness of humanity rather than the 1%. I'm forced to come to this conclusion because I can never give business speak a fair shake. It's a frequency that warps right through my head.
19. Destiny (1921)
The director behind Metropolis films mind-warping fables... 100 years ago. Even though I just watched Bill and Ted Face the Music, Bernhard Goetzke has now replaced William Sadler as the pure face of Death.
18. The Quiet Earth (1985)
Last man on Earth isn't nearly as bad as the second to last man. That's where the real awkwardness comes. Quite an Earth!
17. The Buddy Holly Story (1978)
Weirdly more a movie than a biopic. That's a good thing. A great thing really. It's got all the fun of fiction. Forget the reality of it.
16. Dirty Work (1998)
So much is humorlessly offensive. But then again this has the finest assortment of human bodies thrown onto pavement ever put to film.
15. La Haine (1995)
Kinetic French crime film with noticibly disillusioned French teenagers! It's very good and deserves more attention than I gave it.
14. Shopgirl (2005)
For Mirabelle there's just one thing worse than guys her own age. Steve Martin probably shouldn't have been cast in his own story because it practically reveals him to be aloofly villainous
13. Razorback (1984)
Jump back Jack! This razorback is back in the outback to attack Petpak!
12. Quiz Show (1994)
So very very adorable that we apparently once cared so much about something as trivial as lying about trivia intelligence to millions. Now we're better at lying about general competence. Also we're even better about blaming the pawns rather than the kings. Anyway we were/are cute.
11. White Heat (1949)
James Cagney originates the scary fun villain 50 years before Nicholson's Joker. In the 40s lots of people get asked to turn around. And when they do, THEY'RE ALWAYS CLUBBED IN THE HEAD!
10. Promising Young Woman (2020)
So back when I attempted to be a stand-up I had this joke that I was proud of, but is one of those jokes someone else surely told first. It kind of went like: "So I'm dating a lot and one of the things I hear girls say a bunch is 'Hey don't try to impress me, just be yourself! I just wanna get to know the real you!' Hey ladies, maybe that's not the best advice to give to guys, cuz deep deep down—you know, our true selves—we're all really terrible people. How much better would the world be if the advice were more like 'Hey could you just pretend to be good?'" (I then went into an impression of Eva Braun telling Hitler to just buy her lots of jewelry after she got to know the real him (sorry, not important)). Men in this movie are forced to reckon with their casual abuse of power and that provides some satisfied endorphins for the audience. I think the more harrowing part is seeing how men react when cornered. It's scarier and somehow truer. When the frightened animal response takes over is when the goodness facade really drops. Anyway I like this movie and I'm still a lousy person. No spoils, but there's just a bit of unexpected justice that is very welcome during the watch, but I'm not totally convinced it's the correct narrative choice. The injustice version would have been harder to take, but probably would have dwelled in our minds longer.
9. I Wanna Hold Your Hand (1978)
A fun Beatlemania interpretation a decade after. Funny how actually having Beatles songs actually makes a Beatles movie better. Nancy Allen and Wendy Jo Sperber at their best for the absolute win. New to me Theresa Zaldana is a sparkly delightful revelation. Susan Kendall Newman is pretty okay too. Mind blown when the George McFly "Get your damn hands off her!" was uttered.
8. Used Cars (1980)
Fortunately I watched this alone because I'd be embarrassed to watch this in the company of any other human being. Used Cars respectfully spits in the face of humanity by expressing uncomfortable joy in a cruel and lawless universe. Also, the amount of time the film takes to set up the most minuscule and idiotic on-air sabotage shortly after absolutely no consequences for the profane invasion of the president's airtime actually exceedingly delights me.
7. The Big Chill (1983)
The DVD menu screen shows the gang prepping a meal while dancing like the whitest of all assholes to "Heard It Through the Grapevine" or whatever the song is during that scene and I sighed as we started the movie because I was like hey what a bunch of smug massively white assholes. Then I really got into it. These people all feel so old even though they're playing younger than me now. People were just older back then I guess. And watching this, I realize they were just different assholes than we are now. We dabble in constant sarcasm to offset how we feel. I guess they just purported to feel deeply about each other, but their outward '60's exuberance masked a weird inner sarcasm. It just takes a decade to manifest.
6. Body Heat (1981)
Yes indeedy it does sure feel like a 40s noir but with colorized sweat and sex.
5. True Stories (1986)
There are a lot of quirky little American movies about a lot of quirky little American people, but this one stands above most. I think its strength is a sense of exuberance where so many others rely on a life-sucking cynicism. Here a bunch of pretty people exude a sort of vim that invites me in rather than daring me to judge. It's so weird because when I hear Talking Heads music I kinda think it's cool and all that, but I also feel it's got a bit of baked-in elitism and negativity. Maybe that's unfair. Not gonna cite lyrics or anything, but it just sounds like it's heard through lonely dorm headphones rather than a county fair. It's so strange then, and wonderful, that this along with Stop Making Sense and American Utopia are so joyous and inviting in tone. The nooks and crannies of the country are revealed and we're all invited.
4. Rollerball (1975)
Weird that John Houseman parodies himself way back in 1975. Also weird that I didn't even know it was possible for James Caan to mumble this much. Weirdest still is how very hopeless this thing is by choosing to give the character the usual sports victory we expect but at the price of a Pandora's crate full of bigger and grosser problems.
3. The Red Shoes (1948)
A woman gives everything to ballet and the ballet kind of comes alive around her. Toe-pa toe-pa toe-pa. Hmm. I guess sometimes it's better stated through dance than acting. I have lots more to say. The highs are so much higher than the lows. Unfortunately I'm pretty much saying nothing in my review because I'm afraid saying anything at all will take away from what's deserved.
2. The Young Girls of Rochefort (1967)
Hey French cinema has its own unique pleasure. So does Hollywood. Mix 'em together, add some twins, and double your pleasure. Doublemint Gum. Holy cow this thing is wall-to-wall French pleasure feels. I wound up singing along to the songs and I don't know French.
1. Your Name. (2016)
Okay there are soo many weird magical things — like one after the other, buuut whatever hey I'm totally with these two kids (a teenage boy and girl) in the intermittent Freaky Friday-like situation. The feels, all the right kinda feels, are totally here. I guess technically it's anime, but it feels realer than American kids and it's far far far from throwing fireballs at each other.
The 77 Movies I'd Already Seen That I Watched Again!
77. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)A lot of my continued resentment upon rewatch is remembering my annoyance at all the people proclaiming how funny and so full of great music this is. Yeah there are a lot of jokes. The movie practically pauses after each, respectfully asking for laughter. There's a similar feeling at the music cues so we have enough time to say to each other "oh this song!" I probably wouldn't notice these winking windows to the audience (or manufacture what I think is this attitude) if the jokes were legitimately funny or the songs legitimately inspired.
76. Rudy (1993)
A great American film about a great American concept — pity.
75. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)
Maybe it's the predisposed need I have for disliking at least one aspect of MCU, but it took me a couple of weeks to get through this. I just don't look forward to cringing past jokes rather than actually therapeutically laughing through them. My respect though is with a story that doesn't feel the need to be a Star Wars movie, but rather settles comfortably into being a really weird old Star Trek episode.
74. Quantum of Solace (2008)
This has to be the most expensive experimental editing movie ever made.
73. Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
The Avengers punch the Internet. I kinda like that it's a bit of a mess. The Avengers are in even more disarray than the first and it's during those interactions that the magic happens. But oof they get pretty dorky here. Especially that opening sequence. They're like dorky and old.
72. The Hobbit (1977)
I'm mostly hung up on why the dwarves were way over in the Shire in the first place. Also what's with the rhyming dwarf names? What are they, reindeer?
71. Amelie (2001)
The longest setup to a one-night stand in French history. I guess I'm somehow immune to her charms. Our wavelengths are sideways to one another.
70. Rat Race (2001)
20 years ago, but kinda feels older. What a different age of Hollywood royalty, pre-Avengers. Seth Green! Amy Smart! Breckin Meyer! The humor is kinda more embedded in the 20th century too. Like, the dates don't match up, but I mean it feels like a recent remake of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World rather than a distant homage.
69. A Hard Day's Night (1964)
Okay, Paul's grandfather boomer. Kind of weird how these Beatle folks were so assured way back then. Like they knew the world needed to catch up to them.
68. Zero Dark Thirty (2012)
Well I guess I can aspire to at least be as good at self-isolating as UBL.
67. Captain Marvel (2019)
Brie Larson makes it look so easy with her constant smug smirk — but also so dull and lazy. Unfortunately knowing her as the amazing presence of Clash at Demonhead frontwoman, I totally know there's so much more in her. She's likely a bit hindered by a combination of too much superpower (which deletes the need for real swagger-as-weapon), and also a bizarre story structure combination of in medias res, amnesia, false identity, and double crosses. All that leaves little room for committing to more personality than quick quips and aforementioned smirk smugness. With the baggage of this weird initial story behind, I'm hoping Larson will be able to carve out a better characterization in future movies. Better needle drops than Guardians for sure though. Elastica and Corgan-era Hole are my thing so too bad for all my peers who would have preferred L7 and Cobain-era Hole. Also Ben Mendelsohn's alien character is just super great. Where I think the creatives may have misstepped with the captain, they very surprisingly scored with the best MCU alien race, the Skrulls (which were never this good when I came across them in my comics reading). This is lame, but don't you hate the origin of her powers? She has Captain Marvel powers because she was near an explosion? Then I say to myself, yeah that's pretty much just like Hulk, dingus.
66. Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
I respect a movie so good at being annoying, but tinged with a certain disrespect for not having the balls to actually make Ernest the new Santa.
65. Doctor Strange (2016)
First, much thanks to Tilda Swinton for de-weirding herself long enough to play the somewhat more normal "The Ancient One." Also much thanks to the Inception visuals and the Tenet action four years before Tenet. Unfortunately such spectacle is unfairly wasted as there's no way to take so much of it in at once. One day I'll need to watch the whole thing in slow motion. Writing this as the credits play and the score over the credits is just so great. Buuuuuut here's where the Marvel fatigue really sets in. Mutants, then technology, then mythological magic, then drug power, then sci-fi, then scarlet witchcraft, then AI... and now this. I just watched the movie and I don't really know what kind of magic this is. And even if I did know, is there any room left for it?
64. Lost in Translation (2003)
I don't get it. I've never gotten it. That means I understand better than all who do get it because lucidity is supposed to be elusive.
63. The Adjustment Bureau (2011)
A Philip K. Dick property that tackles the concept of free will. Believe in God or become God? Well either way you're stuck in NYC traffic.
62. Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
The humor and action overlap, but not in a Venn diagram way. Half the fun is the characters being even more confused than the audience.
61. Minority Report (2002)
Anne Lively? More like Anne DEAD-ly! Ranking it lower than it deserves this time. Not on board with that high contrast washout look. Also, I love sci-fi, but there are two kinds. The first has a futuristic concept so easy to digest that we can't help but think of our own real world implications. The second has a crazy weird concept that requires the plot to bend and weave and sputter around just to make sense. Even though others deny it for their reasons, Minority Report falls deep into the second category for me.
60. Four Lions (2010)
Three-fourths of a cop-out, but that last 25% makes things interesting enough. Oh and a lot of forgiveness because of all the guffaws. Not offended by the guffaws at all.
59. Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
So what is it about a fingersnap that kills 50% of all life? Is that like hard-coded into the stones? Like if someone else gathered the stones and snapped their fingers or tentacles or whatever half the universe would die and they'd have no idea why? Also what's the cutoff again? Is it ALL life? Cuz if half the plants are going away that doesn't really solve survivors' hunger. Is it just beings that talk? What about talking dogs? Is it just things on two legs? What if they don't talk? Do they say sentient life a bunch, but I didn't notice because I was distracted by all the fingersnap stuff? Anyway Quill is the real villain here.
58. Deep Red (1975)
More Italian murders! The kooky sidekick girl is way more fun than Daphne or Velma.
57. Rocky II (1979)
Where it's established that Apollo Creed's tragic flaw is disastrous press conferences.
56. Ant-Man (2015)
The humor isn't quite the same type as Guardians, but it kinda is the same level of annoying. Paul Rudd elevates it above just because of the unfair fact that it's Paul Rudd and I always want to hang out with him. Michael Pena speaking in annoying voice isn't groundbreaking or especially gut-busting, but at least it's Pena, a guy the world has come to love in the 21st century. The Honey I Shrunk the Kids sets are also a huge bit of appeal to set this apart. A delight just on the edge of especially positive. The weird small world is a stimulating newness and Rudd can shove my brother and I'd still like him. Oh hey and also that quantum zone concept of continually shrinking past the size of atoms legit frightens me.
55. Depeche Mode: 101 (1989)
I used to hate how so much of this is about the fans in the bus rather than the band, but now it's my favorite part. It's like home movies of eighties friends I never had (although I'm pretty sure those bus kids would have actively disliked me).
54. Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Oh man it's so great what you can do when you skip the origin story. We're just as eager as Peter. I just love the Batman intimidation in the back seat of the Batmobile too.
53. Star Trek Beyond (2016)
I like the different crew pairings for this one. Urban and Pine get to spread it around.
52. The Pelican Brief (1993)
First time since... 1993? Is this the only Grisham law work that doesn't have a trial? Good throwback to 70s paranoia and what do you know—Pakula also directed All the President's Men. I like her dress a lot. The dress when she watches that guy blow up.
51. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
Scout, stop trying to make 'hey' happen! Also, this is STILL inspiring, but do we really need to hold all this reverence for Atticus Finch for just being the only one willing to do what his job calls for?
50. Blazing Saddles (1974)
I wonder if they threw that whole weird Hollywood backlot part together to avoid making any conclusions about race relations.
49. So I Married and Axe Murderer (1993)
First time in a long while. A couple of really noticeable things: 1) Mike Myers' character is sooo annoying. Like you wanna punch, kick, and well, murder him constantly and I think he's supposed to be charming. He must have been charming in 1993, but it was def a different time. Fortunately all the other characters are actually a bit enjoyable. 2) The Bay Area locations are mega fabulous. This is just about the most San Francisco movie ever and most SanFran movies really lean into SanFran.
48. Parenthood (1989)
Wiest is the best parent, but she has the worst kids. That my friends is our universe. Also, so they just let that other brother die in the hands of mobsters? Parenthood has limits I guess.
47. Black Panther (2018)
Look I just love Wakanda so much. It's a paradise but art directed so differently from the other paradises I've seen. The picture also uses a literary device that must exist, but I don't know its name. What's that thing where there's a fake country that symbolizes the privilege of the United States, but it's populated by the people the United States oppresses so the symbolic interpretation is way more interesting than just a 1:1 correlation? (Yes, I'm probably gonna start calling movies "pictures" now, like Bogdonovich)
46. One Crazy Summer (1986)
Totally gave in and bought this. Look, it was the beginning of February and I just needed to get to the beach for an hour or so.
45. Top Gun (1986)
Iceman's life goal is to make being anal about following rules cool. And he succeeds so very well! He's actually able to bully the mavericks. What a kissasshole. Now I really want a whole movie about the investigation into Goose's death. Iceman needs to take some blame because he has the shot for five minutes and DOESN'T take it, resulting in death by jetwash. BUT is it possible that the accident is caused by Maverick's SPITE of the rules? Just to prove he's capable, Mav stays with his wingman to the obnoxious point of tailgating. Ice can't get a shot because he's locked too close in between two planes. If Maverick's moves are sincere though, how messed up is it that following the rules to an ice cold degree gets his friend killed?
44. Rocky (1976)
A seeping character portrait narrative followed by a quick montage of a fight. Weirdly the opposite of Rocky IV where they montaged the whole rest of the movie and then the fight is actually longer than what it would have taken. Which is the one where Rocky challenges Paulie in the ring?
43. Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)
Legit great action sequences with the shrinking and phasing and growing and whatnot.
42. Total Recall (1990)
Okay it's a dream because when they give him the vacation secret agent program they actually say a bunch of stuff that happens later
BUT it's reality because he dreams of Melina before he goes to Rekall
BUT it's a dream because he has fighting superpowers
BUT it's reality because he's got Arnold's physique so he must spend a lot of time conditioning anyway
BUT it's a dream because Kuato would have sensed his past treachery
BUT it's reality because that guy sweats when he says it's a dream
BUT it's a dream because a realistic dream would require plot elements to dismiss the actual reality
BUT it's reality because the movie shows things from other characters' perspectives
BUT it's a dream because that could just be a storytelling element showing Quaid's assumptions
BUT it's reality because Harry was all fishy before Rekall
BUT it's a dream because why would aliens care about air?
BUT it's reality because there's no way Sharon Stone is NOT someone who eagerly punches him in the balls three times
BUT it's a dream because he dreamed of suffocating before Rekall so he could have dreamed it all in advance anyway
Maybe the point is our realities and fantasies kinda have equal weight or something? I dunno don't look at me. Still wondering which of the boobs are real.
41. Idiocracy (2006)
There's a part where a museum display says the U.N. got rid of all the Nazis, so we're now living in a worse universe than the Idiocracy universe of 2505.
40. Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019)
What could Ned have possibly said on that plane ride to get Betty to like him? Also I love Gyllenhaal as someone almost sincere, but definitely not.
38. Drive (2011)
Saw at drive-in which is cool because drive is in the title. The girl I was with was a good sport about all the explicit violence I had forgotten about.
38. Gone Girl (2014)
So I like this for its gruesomeness, but I like it more for portraying the weaponized storytelling of the 21st century where we all need to follow the rules of celebrity PR. Weaponized storytelling. Performance for survival.
37. Rocky III (1982)
Look, can someone get Clubber Lang into therapy or some kind of anger management group? In the meantime, yes Rocky can box (one person -- Apollo Creed), but can he overcome American consumerism?
36. Shaun of the Dead (2004)
If the world doesn't kill your friends and family, just do it yourself. This is strangely too 2004 right now. Two years ago it would have seemed too present. Maybe the current plague just isn't as funny.
35. Captain America: Civil War (2016)
So, not even honorarily, in almost every way this is the truest, realest Avengers movie. The best parts of the other ones are where Avengers bicker with each other and this time we get bickering as well as crippling. The actors participating in these movies are really the current Hollywood royalty as goofy and down-to-earth as they are (or pretend to be). It's gonna be weird looking back at this era of movies like 50 years from now. What if we had on old movie—like Empire, but older—where like Humphrey Bogart and Jimmy Stewart and John Wayne and Marilyn Monroe and Katherine Hepburn and James Dean and Liz Taylor just WAIL on each other?
34. Zodiac (2007)
It almost shows Gyllenhaal putting a hockey mask on at the end and starting his killing spree the moment Leigh Arthur died.
33. Bowfinger (1999)
Prophetic. Lots of people in the Avengers movies don't know they're in movies either.
32. Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
Still totally weirded out by how much of a straight-up comedy this is despite containing some of the darkest events in MCU so far. His drinking buddies from the first movie get full-on executed and their lives aren't even mentioned because the jokes are already taking up too much space. But whatever. Maybe the point is it's a movie and as long as it's 80s-themed for no reason (but don't worry I'll never REQUIRE a reason for an 80s theme), may as well flashback to the mindless violence of 80s action movies. Bumping up a star from last watch because the second "Immigrant Song" needle drop does SO MUCH (despite its un-80sness, but again, I'll never REQUIRE a reason for "Immigrant Song").
31. The Natural (1984)
Baseball's dumb and I've seen this a million times so why do I still lean so far forward before that last swing?
30. The Godfather: Part II (1974)
With a lot of these great movies I usually realize they're great after some mulling. This one is oppositely so great in the straight present (and I weirdly forgot everything from when I first watched it like ten years ago). Just a little bit of turned-up costuming and editing and acting and music makes a great, fulfilling meal. I'm thinking Vito's spaghetti. All the gears just silently flow as if primed with olive oil. They magically caught a delicious Tahoe trout. I don't know why I'm talking like this. I ate an entire non-personal pizza during the runtime.
29. Clash of the Titans (1981)
Sheesh talk about rewriting history. Although... I kind of like how Perseus actually knew Andromeda before the rock chaining incident. Also... boy that's a big ball drop Cassiopeia.
28. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1988)
Time travel is possible, but also doesn't change anything. The universe always unfolds excellently because Bill and Ted always passed history. What charming fiction!
27. Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Such hardened, soulless guys would never talk so much about Madonna, but hey whatever gets you through such a hellish day is alright with me.
26. The World's End (2013)
Freewill is mostly just juvenile drunken behavior.
25. O.J. Made in America (2016)
A lone cornflake of unfairness in a vast sea of unfair milk. See this if you haven't. It's not about O.J. It's about society.
24. The Hunt for Red October (1990)
Ramius thrives on drama too much. Hey maybe don't announce your defection to your government and maybe don't take both nuclear launch keys in front of the crew. Noble of you to make the movie more exciting for us, though.
23. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Well I guess they CAN'T leave each other now... Memories are too much of us. Or maybe they're not enough. They're not enough when we still have those pesky initial impulses.
22. The Village (2004)
This once-travesty is now probably my favorite Shyamalan. Now offering embarrassing apologies to all who loathe it.
21. Wanderlust (2012)
"... Nintendo Power Glove." Martha Marcy May Marlene ripped off the part where the commune cult leader shames one of the residents by fantastic guitar playing.
20. Aliens (1986)
PLURAL.
19. The Seventh Seal (1957)
Ask that unanswerable existential question and be awarded with two answers: fight a meaningless fight or stay home and get the plague.
18. On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
Its uniqueness surprisingly doesn't lend well to rewatchability. Other Bond movies have that sense of repetition and familiarity that wear well. This is still charming, but feels much longer when my first watch was just a couple of years ago. Something really noticeable this time: Diana Rigg may be the queen of perfect side eye Bond girls. How fortunate to have her here so confident and comfortable right next to Lazenby's inexperience. And despite that inexperience, George is no slouch. No first-time jitters. Plus what a great uppercut.
17. Highlander (1986)
You know Kurgan would've been PISSED once he learned the "prize" is death. Still love this despite the lameness of the sequel and also how similar this is to the sequel.
16. The Fifth Element (1997)
Ruby Rhod is the only YouTube personality I don't find incredibly annoying. Oh hey also why did The Fifth Element even bother coming to Earth if she just had to leave again to get the stones? Just asking but don't really care cuz this movie rules.
15. Suspiria (1977)
It's 92 minutes of mood. The deep blues and deep reds combine into something not deep purple at all.
14. Return of the Jedi (1983)
Okay let's get this straight. Luke's BRILLIANT plan to save captured Han Solo is as follows:
1. Have Lando do NOTHING as a palace guard in disguise
2. Let R2-D2 and C3-P0 get captured
3. Let Chewbacca get captured
4. Let Leia get captured
5. Let HIMSELF get captured
6. Cut up 100 muppets with light saber
Okay but you know what? Luke is the only person in the GALAXY who still believes in his father and as a fatherless, childless cynic, that still affects me, man. I love this movie.
13. Predator (1987)
He ain't got time to bleed… but he do got time… TO KILL.
12. Batman Returns (1992)
Okay this, THIS is the encapsulation of 90s popgoth (rather than The Crow).
11. Dune (1984)
Every time I see this original version the needle moves significantly from "the worst movie of 1984" to "the greatest film in history." Watched again with Katie. She seems to like this one more than the Villenueve because it info dumps so many things left unsaid in the new one. As for me, I still like the "Money for Nothing" body shields a lot more.
10. Avengers: Endgame (2019)
Shoot adding another star. It all comes together and sends thrill waves at my face and I'm a dork. So crazy that it's about civilization suddenly pulling out of a universal catastrophe and my two-week vaccination all clear was May 25th. Will this thing be remembered with bonus points for predicting us coming back from the dead IRL? Or will it be dismissed for that same reason for not actually being about Covid? Regardless, Peter Parker rides on the back of Valkyrie's winged horse so we'll always have that.
9. Splash (1984)
I got sidetracked this time because everybody keeps calling her a fish but I'm like 'hey she's still a mammal!' I mean, she's a woman with hair in the sea. Her fin is horizontal like a dolphin's rather than a standard fish. Buuuut she can breathe like a fish underwater and her tail looks closer to scales. The original sea mammals on Earth today descended from coastal land mammals that evolved and went back to the sea when isolated in a watery locale (at least according to what I kind of overheard from a biologist once). So maybe Madison is actually more descended from fish after all. That might be why she's so nervous to tell him. Still love Freddie's speech. The guy brought a date to his own wedding, but I still sure believe him when he tells his brother to keep loving that fish-thing, cuz it's still something not even close to what Freddie will ever have.
8. Labyrinth (1986)
Some teens dream of romance, and then some teens are just anxious about navigating a world they didn't ask for. David Bowie's crotch isn't just a humorous distraction. I maintain this movie is actually about David Bowie's crotch.
7. A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
This is certainly MY Kevin Kline.
6. The Duke of Burgundy (2014)
The saddest or the sadist? Start watching because it's sort of a lesbian bondage drama, but finish watching it because it navigates the frailness of relationships oh so sadly.
5. Sing Street (2016)
"Yeah Anne!" Looks like I posted the exact same review as last time but I misspelled "Ann." This 80s throwback always boosts my spirits and confirms in my heart that I'm actually Irish.
4. What's Up Doc? (1972)
I think Judy is finally narrowing down her calling. She's already done the music thing once, so this stint in Ames should be somewhat familiar. That and the definitive version of "As Time Goes By" and we've got the next crazy seductive starlet of the 70s on our hands.
3. Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)
When Covid ends I'm re-entering the world as Hardy Jenns — brimming with preppy style and confidence until threatened by a Skinhead.
2. The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
First, the hilariousest part of the Hoth setting is witnessing just how crazy insecure Han is around Leia. He makes a fool out of himself over and over again 'cuz he's gaga for her and has no idea how to deal with it. That "I know" line just before the freeze is still douchey, but this time it feels a lot less like swagger and a lot more about him sheepishly thanking her for acknowledging his worth. Not the best, but the best we're gonna get from Han. Second, this movie makes me feel everything I've forgotten how to feel. As far as a franchise or a sequel, no other movie in history comes remotely close to Empire. Some, like The Dark Knight, make a valiant effort by building the universe rather than rehashing it, but 99% of all sequels are just repurposed first films. Empire builds the universe outward and inward. They call 'em "The Star Wars," but the events of this movie wouldn't even make the star news. It's the personal struggles and feelings of like five people in those star wars.
1. It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
The last words George says to his father before his father's sudden death: "Pop, you want a shock? I think you're a great guy."
Silly Facts and Stats Nobody Cares About But Me!
Total number of movies seen: 214 (239 last year)
Total number of 2021 movies seen: 26 (42 last year)
Total number of non-2021 movies seen: 186 (a whopping 197 old movies last year)
Year of oldest movie: 1921 (Destiny)
Total number of movies seen more than once within 2018: 7 (Annette, Dune (1984), Dune (2021), Labyrinth, Shaun of the Dead, The Red Shoes, The Sparks Brothers)
Biggest movie-watching month: 23 in March (inexplicably)
Smallest movie-watching month: 10 in December (Last year the smallest was MARCH and biggest was DECEMBER, so I don’t know what the deal is with the switcheroo this year)
Biggest movie-watching day: June 19th (Strangely watched Gabriela, The Lord of the Rings, and Drive)
Most time between movies: November 15th to November 27th
Movies seen at the cinema: 11 (6 last year)
Most popular theater: Century 16 (5)
Movies seen on Netflix: 7
2021 movies streamed rather than cinema'd: 16
Movies seen on DVD/Blu-ray: 58
Movies seen at Sundance: 1 (kinda)
Movies seen at the annual 24-hour movie marathon: 0
Movies seen on an airplane: 1
Amazon Prime: 15
Amazon rental: 23
Amazon purchase: 5
Hulu: 5
YouTube: 2
Shudder: 7
HBO: 26
I’m not doing the Metacritic comparison scores this year. I’ll need another intern for that.
Total number of 2021 movies seen: 26 (42 last year)
Total number of non-2021 movies seen: 186 (a whopping 197 old movies last year)
Year of oldest movie: 1921 (Destiny)
Total number of movies seen more than once within 2018: 7 (Annette, Dune (1984), Dune (2021), Labyrinth, Shaun of the Dead, The Red Shoes, The Sparks Brothers)
Biggest movie-watching month: 23 in March (inexplicably)
Smallest movie-watching month: 10 in December (Last year the smallest was MARCH and biggest was DECEMBER, so I don’t know what the deal is with the switcheroo this year)
Biggest movie-watching day: June 19th (Strangely watched Gabriela, The Lord of the Rings, and Drive)
Most time between movies: November 15th to November 27th
Movies seen at the cinema: 11 (6 last year)
Most popular theater: Century 16 (5)
Movies seen on Netflix: 7
2021 movies streamed rather than cinema'd: 16
Movies seen on DVD/Blu-ray: 58
Movies seen at Sundance: 1 (kinda)
Movies seen at the annual 24-hour movie marathon: 0
Movies seen on an airplane: 1
Amazon Prime: 15
Amazon rental: 23
Amazon purchase: 5
Hulu: 5
YouTube: 2
Shudder: 7
HBO: 26
I’m not doing the Metacritic comparison scores this year. I’ll need another intern for that.
