Monday, December 24, 2012

airing of grievances 2012

It's Festivus today. The list of grievances is small this year, but that doesn't mean you haven't disappointed me.

Blinking yellow arrows --
Have you seen these? Now instead of having just a green light, some intersections have a blinking yellow arrow to signify that you can turn left, but still yield to oncoming traffic. Yeah, so it's exactly the same as a green light. The only difference is you may glance up, see that you have a yellow arrow (which normally means "Hurry! You have one second left of a free left turn!"), hit the gas suddenly, and then get hit by an oncoming semi. Seriously. Call your councilman. These are deadly. They must be stopped.

Cutting down something incredibly popular --
Not a fan of Bieber or Twilight. But such things are a part of popular culture and if I bring them up as a part of a natural conversation, I really don't need you telling me how horrible and stupid such things are for the next half hour. I've been subject to that half hour far too many times. It's one I don't need over and over again. It's one nobody needs.

Pandora --
I love the internet music system Pandora and I listen to it every single workday. Pandora is especially proud of their algorithm to piece together all my stations and play things from a combination of everything I listen to. Pandora, don't be proud of this. All it means is it takes all my extremes out of the equation and pumps an overarching selection of safe blandness into my ears. A combination of Oingo Boingo, Erasure, Abba, Rolling Stones and Pink Floyd means I only hear Blondie over and over and over. Get over it Pandora. Loosen your stupid algorithm.

Pandora --
Also, sometimes Pandora plays too many of my favorite songs in a row. Eventually I get sick of hearing good music. Now I just hate music period. I hate hating music.

iTunes --
Yesterday I had a nervous breakdown trying to upload something from iTunes to my iPod. I'm an Apple man until the day I die, but iTunes is taunting me lately.

Take out --
I order a lot of take out. I get the impression that they want me to tip me. They put the check in a little leather case with a pen and everything so I can write the tip in. Then they look away slightly as if they're giving me my privacy to give them money for handing me a plastic bag where they forgot to put utensils in. I'm generous, but I'm not tipping for take out. That's crazy, right? And if I did tip, I'd request it just go right to the cooks. I don't consider myself served unless someone at least pours me a water.

Christmas songs --
I haven't heard "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses yet this year. Pathetic. What's up with that? Get on it stations!

KOSY --
Speaking of, this isn't a grievance, but it must win the award for Grinchiest move of the year. KOSY 106.5 suddenly changed formats to a rock station 4 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. Douche move, radio. They were still playing Christmas music. Sure we have a lot of Christmas music on other stations, but douche move, right? I mean. It's the weekend before Christmas. In a more broad sense though, what about Showtunes Saturday? I will miss that, even though she kept playing the same showtunes over and over again, which is a grievance in itself. I will listen to the new rock station. Rock will never die. Zeppelin rules!

Outdoor malls --
Why do all new malls exist outside instead of inside? It's a conspiracy to colden us up and get us to buy more clothes. Give us a roof! Central heating!

I have lots more grievances, but they're all in my subconscious and Festivus is over. Stupid subconscious.

3 Comments:

Blogger Rhett said...

The only thing worse than the yellow arrows are red ones. I run them all the time because you know they are useless.

Totally agree on the cutting down pop culture thing. Yeah I know it sucks. Why are we talking about it?

The take out thing happened to me this week. The guy said "I just need a total and your signature at the bottom." Nice try bro, but I'm not tipping a pizza guy who didn't even deliver

December 24, 2012 1:24 AM  
Blogger joN. said...

addendum: the hulu auto-play is too short. i can be all ready for it, but i can't click on "pause auto-play" fast enough to prevent the next show from playing no matter what. i'm pretty good at video games too. give me at least ONE more second to decide if i wanna see another mindy project.

December 24, 2012 2:17 AM  
Blogger joN. said...

addendum: abbreviating "pounds" to "lbs." where the heck did that come from?

December 26, 2012 11:40 AM  

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