Monday, December 23, 2013

Airing of Grievances 2013

It's Festivus. Here's hoping I get the list in on time.

Watering down condiments --
Apparently we're like 90% water. That's why I don't like my condiments watered down. I need to get some non-water in me. Plus, I mean, really. It just doesn't work. It makes the sandwich all soggy, it's got no taste and I mean how rude is that? The pump thing isn't clear so I don't know if I'm gonna get my sandwich all wet. It's like they give you a sandwich or a hot dog and then they provide the means for ruining it as well. It's pure sadism. Sure I understand their excuse. They water stuff down to make the product go further. Well you can't make a sandwich longer by pouring water on it.

The weather --
At this time I usually complain about the snow, but now I'd like to be fair to the other times of year. All the weather sucks. We often forget in the middle of winter how absolutely terrible and swassy the middle of summer is. It's also really bright and scaldy and the sun doesn't leave you alone until 9pm. Winter of course is still worse than the worst. The only thing worse than the heat is the cold. It's often coupled with the cold wet and the cold car breaking. Spring and autumn are lovely, but also terrible too because it's often so perfect that you feel guilty for not enjoying the weather more.

Treating me like an adult --
I hate being treated like a child, but I'm sick of people asking me to do things and live my life as if I'm actually a functional adult. I'm not. Stop expecting things from me and stop using more than two sentences at a time when talking to me.

Media --
I love movies more than anybody, which is why I hate having access to every movie ever at any time of the day on any device. The things I watch are no longer things I long for. They're just there and getting as boring as air.

Air --
I just can't get enough of it. Do we really need to breathe? Why did God evolve us this way or whatever? I mean we eat and drink to bring good stuff into our body, why do we need air too? What if we just had one thing that made us go like a remote controlled car, or an iPod? I say we switch to electricity.

DVR controls --
The Comcast DVR control often doesn't play when you rewind for some reason. It's extremely hard to get back to the same place if you fast forward too far and it kind of takes just as long as if you just watched the commercials. It's a media conspiracy to wear us down so that we don't bother fast forwarding the commercials.

Apps that promote connectivity --
Lots of apps like podcasting apps want me to stream directly from the internet rather than downloading for later. This is another conspiracy to get me to go over my data plan. AT&T seriously pays developers to encourage more streaming so that I'll use the internet in the wild and away from my established wireless connection. I'm not crazy. I truly believe this.

The Following commercials --
I'm not starting a list here. Notice the italics. First of all, The Following is a bland, lame name for a TV show. Second of all, their "mind-blowing" tagline in the commercials -- "The greatest trick the devil pulled is convincing the world that he didn't exist" -- is the most played out dramatic line that's ever been stolen from some hippie preacher somewhere or perhaps The Usual Suspects.

Stupid non-silence --
I hate the silence. But I also hate the non-silence, which is why I'm typing up this list while late night syndicated reruns and there are only 17 minutes of Festivus left and I'm in danger of not finishing the airing of grievances on time.

People --
Since one of the reruns I just saw was the Festivus episode of Seinfeld, I'm reminded that the original Airing of Grievances list by Frank didn't dwell on material things, but emphasized the disappointment of people. And people are disappointing. All of you are disappointing. We are expected to be perfect and you're not perfect. It's only human of course, and humanity is disappointing.

HBO theme at the start of their shows --
Okay, HBO actually ripped off one of the themes of Rocky. I'm not talking about the "getting strong now" or whatever it is training song, but the symphonic theme that plays right when the fight is over in the first movie when Rocky actually goes the distance. You know the "na na naaaa na na na na na naaa na na na naaa na na na na na naaaaa na na na" part.

My inability to adequately describe musical phrases using prose writing.
"na na naaaa na na na na na naaa na na na naaa na na na na na naaaaa na na na"

Me --
Every year I try to make note of all the terrible things I deal with constantly. I'm always annoyed -- like a Jewish mother -- and I dumbly don't dwell on the annoyances long enough to output them to my annual grievance list. Instead of my deepest darkest grievances I'm stuck with writing the things that are only bugging me at this very moment -- which is only one thirty one millionth of the entire year. My list is what I look forward to and I'm always disappointed in it. It was nice that the Festivus episode was on while I was typing it this time, though.


Blogger Joey Smith said...

Nothing else I've ever heard or read has come as close to making me wish I'd seen this episode of Seinfeld.

On the other hand, I'm still not going to watch it, so I'm not sure the incremental improvement is really worth celebrating.

December 24, 2013 7:29 PM  
Blogger MandiScandal said...

I always enjoy this yearly post. :)

January 07, 2014 10:29 PM  

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