Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Airing of Grievances 2015

I hope you're enjoying your Festivus today. Please stop what you're doing. It's time for this year's Airing of Grievances.

Chinese names --
So is it Chow Yun-fat or Yun-fat Chow? The FAMILY name is Chow, right? So why don't we say that part at the end? Yes, I KNOW the Chinese say the family name first. Wanna know why? BECAUSE THEY'RE SPEAKING CHINESE! If some China people are having a conversation about me and they referred to me as Madsen Jon, I WOULDN'T CORRECT THEM. They're actually saying it correctly because that's how it's done in the language they speak. Since we're speaking English, why don't we just say it the way we'd say our own names? Is it somehow culturally insensitive to do that? Also, if it's Chow Yun-fat, why is it still Michelle Yeoh and John Woo? Is Michelle Yeoh's dad's name Michelle too? Even if we're gonna go out of our way to say their names differently, shouldn't we at least be consistent? Oh, right, but then we'd have a billion other rules like what if only the person's mother were Chinese, but the person still lived in China, but spoke Chinese, but was blond? STICK TO ONE NAMING CONVENTION PEOPLE!

Heat --
The movie wasn't too bad, but it sucks when the heat just goes out at my house. Do you know where else the heat goes out? The office. So pretty much everywhere I sleep, the heat goes out. Actually. Backtrack. The heat doesn't go out at the office, but the A/C stays on. The combination should eventually build up to a tropical storm if it weren't the dryest office ever and my hands bleed because of it.

Weird noise --
There's a weird creaking noise in the walls of my office that I only assume is from the ghost of an old smelting machine. When I say old, I mean this machine probably had a long white beard. But also, the whiniest old man machine ever. It sounds exactly like the noise Jim Carrey makes in Dumb and Dumber right after saying "Hey do you want to hear the most annoying noise in the world?" The more I think about it, the more it sounds like the sound is for some reason piped in from another building. It's like originating from a long tube of sadness.

People who enjoy movies --
I sort of enjoy movies, but I hate people who REALLY enjoy movies. Like the whole row of people in front of me when I saw Sisters last night. From what I could tell, I think the movie isn't bad. It's really sort of funny, so I would have liked to hear all the sort of funny jokes. Couldn't though because an entire life-loving row burst out laughing every time someone made a different facial expression that I didn't hear, you know, the actual jokes. Happy people who go to movies need to be miserabler, so the rest of us can hear jokes and mildly appreciate them.

Keyboard on Macbook --
Thought of this just now. I need a freaking ergonomic keyboard on this Macbook before my hands fall off after a creaking snap of bones.

Headaches --
Lately I've been getting headaches when I eat. These are compounded by the headaches I get when I don't eat.

Assumptions --
Please don't finish my sentences assuming you know what I'm after. That's happened like... I'm not sure that's ever happened.

People dying --
I'm sick of this happening. At least the people I notice dying. It's rarely, if ever, someone that should die.

Starkiller Base --
So like, are the bad guys in Star Wars getting some major tax breaks on these giant weapon spheres that they keep building over and over again? I mean, think of something else. Every time they build another planet weapon, they're like "This thing is impenetrable except for maybe some of those X-shaped ships the good guys always seem to have." Is it an allegory for no oversight of Halliburton or whatever? Like seriously, they should just strap a giant space slingshot between two star destroyers. They could do that a bunch of times and get more done. HALF of all star wars movies have the big sphere weapon. C'mon.

My nose is a lot more runny all the time now for some reason --
It happens when I move in temperatures below 65 or when I eat anything over a temperature of 75. It's the only way I lose weight.

Wii --
This year I was told I'm overweight for the first time ever and it was by my Wii balance board. Oh, and the Wii just LOVED telling me too. It totally drank up the experience. It played stupid sad music and everything. It made my icon slump its shoulders and look sad. The condescending machine was practically laughing with glee. Got me to stop doing yoga acting all high and mighty like that. Now I understand fatties. May as well just eat it off.

The war on the War on Christmas
There's not much of a war. If there were, it should at least involve more hand grenades. Hey look, let's just embrace the commercialism. We all know the economy depends on it. Also, if you're truly Christian, EVERY day should be Jesus's day. Not just the one (and THAT one is for sweet nog and presents (and hey, it's cool that we stress out over gifts for each other -- at least it's not so much about the self-greed, y'know?)).

Indian food --
It's still pretty good, but I feel like I shouldn't call it "Injun" food. Sometimes I do though.

Sugar --
Don't hate sugar. But now I feel it the next day in my throat. If I want some hot chocolate or some cheesecake or a pound of cookie dough or something I need to remember to eat it while the sun is still out. Otherwise, sugarcane is growing in my throat the next morning.

AM --
My mind doesn't function during any ante meridiem hour. ESPECIALLY single-digit ante meridiem hours. Those hours are seriously and truly horrifying. Like, scream-queen levels of howling, if only I had the energy for the output. Instead, I'm constantly screaming on the inside. post meridiem hours are actually quite lovely though.

Non-Daylight Saving Time--
We shouldn't abandon Daylight Saving Time. We actually need to abandon going OFF DST. It's when the night comes earlier that we really get pissed off and that's actually when we go back to STANDARD time. We WANT Daylight Saving, but we want it FOREVER!

Roundabouts --
I actually forgot how these work.

What I can't say --
Most of my grievances involve things that I don't feel I can discuss publicly. It's funny because it seems like most people I know who say what they think all the time are actually pretty happy people. I've considered saying everything all the time, but every time I even dabble in it, it doesn't purge my stress, but actually causes one more thing to worry about. I would say this is a fault of mine, but I more accurately think that being open and a jerk about stuff is more of a fault of everyone else. Just know that maybe you're wrong. Just know that if you ever speak to me and you can see that my eyes are on fire, you may not be doing what I want you to do, which would have actually been the right thing.

This list of grievances is too small --
I'm mostly pissed off that I'm always so pissed off and I can't think of enough things to be pissed off about. It's surprisingly similar to trying to find something to be thankful for, but the opposite, but kind of the same, but different.


--Ugh. This actually happens every Airing of Grievances. I mean to keep track of my problems with everybody and everything all year, but it turns out I only write about what's on my mind TODAY. I'm gonna make a goal to keep better records. Next year, this list will be 365 times longer. Merry Christmas! Please please please please remind me what I forgot in the comments below.


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