(If you're reading this from your phone it may help to do a landscape view.)
Hey you know how it goes. This year it goes way different though. I didn't get to the theater as much, but I did sit around at home watching way more stuff than usual. Anything happen during my recluse year?
In order to make the end-of-year movie report easier on myself, I've tried to get into the habit of logging my thoughts the same day I see a movie and then just pasting them all in here at the end of the year with just a little bit of editing. So in a way these words are more accurate because they're closer to my thoughts at the time of viewing, but in another way the words are tempered by the person I was at the time, rather than the person I am this very second. Also, as a result of this procedure, the individual entries may vary greatly in length.
Also, as usual, the rankings are beyond subjective. I have to put these in some kind of order and a lot of these are apples vs. oranges. I'm a lot less concerned with whether a movie is "good" or "bad" but rather what conversation it brings. With that in mind, please please give me your thoughts. No doubt there are more thoughts than usual this year.
https://letterboxd.com/rexbasior/.
Top 42 Movies of 2020!
The algorithm that writes Netflix movies has gained sentience and its first emotion is loud self-satisfaction.
41. Save Yourselves!
[Sundance viewing] Simply put, this doesn't pass the basic test: I did not laugh. Why? Maybe it's a me thing, but I prefer blaming the movie always trying to squeeze laughter out of a silly couple that prefers looking at their phones than at real life. Such an old concept needs more sharpness than mere mention of the concept itself. Things aren't helped that half the couple (or honestly like four fifths) is played by John Reynolds, the whiny specimen from the underwhelming Four Weddings TV show who looks like he's inflated by a bike pump. Maybe it's just a comedy, but the message doesn't make sense to me. The jokes are at the expense of our relationship to technology, but technology would have been a benefit to the characters if they turned to their phones sooner. I've been in a bad mood for 421 days, but also this was a free Sundance showing so maybe I just projected what I paid for.
40. Tesla
[Sundance viewing] Okay so people are fascinated with this Tesla guy. I think if I studied him, I'd totally get it too. Interesting mind combining science and superstition. Two hurdles though: explaining the science and also explaining the business (especially the Edison competition). The movie takes several storytelling liberties such as fourth-wall breaks, anachronisms, obvious backdrops, and narrator corrections to the actions on the screen. The liberties break up the dullness a bit, but the frustrating thing is how nothing interesting is used to illustrate those two hurdles I mentioned earlier. Matters of science and business are consistently merely discussed between characters unenthusiastically when they could and should be presented with at least as much dynamism as a Tesla coil.
39. Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga
Will. Ferrell. Is. A. Detriment. To. Every. Project. He's. Involved. In. Okay but McAdams is so delightful. Also there's some ABBA footage.
38. Desperados
Quite a disappointment considering Nasim Pedrad is my favorite girl. Hey main girl yes you are whiny and annoying! Hey main girl's friends yes, the main girl is whiny and annoying, but it's still her story so don't complain about your problems! Hey boyfriend guy, yes all the girls are complaining, but you're more lame! Hey cute down-to-earth other guy, yes everyone else is tightly wound, but you have no right to play the relaxation card AND the can't-handle-this card!
37. Herself
[Sundance showing] Much of this film seems based on that Gaffigan routine where he wonders why the Lifetime network is "television for women," yet women get beaten up a lot on that channel. Once haired-Varys comes along it's a bit more fun. She does get a pretty great and logical speech that's pretty satisfying.
36. Wonder Woman 1984
I appreciate this more than most other DC movies because of the audacity of a story that's like a bizarre dream sequence one might see in more silly superhero stuff like the Supergirl movie. Also it's great to see Kristen Wiig go from playing her reporter SNL character who always awkwardly crushes on her interviewees to playing her a-hole SNL character who hangs out at car dealerships with Jason Sudeikis. Those are the GOOD things. Honestly most of the two stars I'm giving it are just huffing the fumes left over from the first movie.
35. Mank
Vaguely Noticing the Movie Your Parents Are Watching in the Next Room: The Movie. (This is obviously the write-off I'll regret the most in the coming years)
34. Once Upon A Time in Venezuela
[Sundance showing] There's some real poetry here in documenting all the slices of life in this tiny Venezuelan town and the intimate camera work makes beauty out of pitiful circumstance. I'd say the slices add up to at least a dozen pies' worth. I really wish the movie would take a few breaks from documenting to more discussion. As we're thrown into the town we know things are physically wrong considering the villagers wade through more mud than water. As for the political stuff, we're forced to listen very intently through lots of normal conversation to get a nugget of plot stuff. Feels like about a 1:8 ratio. On the other hand, the extremely consistent fly-on-the-wall approach is more artful and commendable than talking heads and charts (albeit more difficult to learn something).
33. Downhill
[Sundance showing] Terrific casting! Or is it? Remember Krusty's lesson on comedy? The pie in the face only works when the recipient has dignity. I feel like Will Ferrell always has the face of a coward and he doesn't really become one here as he should. Julia Louis-Dreyfus always has a disapproving face so her spite here feels maybe more normal than it should. I guess I have the same reservations about this one as Stephen King had about Kubrick's one.
32. The Cost of Silence
[Sundance showing] Alrighty this is important stuff. Remember that massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico in like 2010? Well the cleanup effort was a scam and gave everybody cancer. As expected, this doc is lacerating, but also exhausting considering the towering implications.
31. The New Mutants
Okay I've got my fan quibbles as someone who owns The New Mutants comics 1-100. Dani should be taller, Sam should be crewcuttier, Rahne Scottisher, etc., but the problems really start with the overearnest angsty characterizations set up right at the beginning. There's little room to recover although I found myself getting a bit more into it toward the end. The idea of it is something I respect more than the execution. It's got a lot of what I love about The New Mutants comics which especially is great at putting young kids in more harrowing situations than they deserve or are expecting. But, as expected (for three years of waiting), it's just not very good despite the premise. We need more superhero horror though! Especially with young mutants! How has this not been mined to death already? Growing, changing teenage bodies are scary! Two more quibbles. Yes, Illyana Rasputin should be a mean girl, but not as basic a mean as this. She should be more of a Regina George. Someone you fear, but you still very much want her to like you. Okay and my other quibble is I don't like how Blu Hunt runs.
30. Tenet
Better ask my future self either later or in the past just to be sure, because maybe this thing is the most thrilling and stimulating thing ever. For now it's mostly incomprehensible. Perhaps we finally see the sci-fi element that's just too absurd for story. Perhaps Nolan didn't actually need to frame a chiasmus of a story around a chiasmus of a concept. Also some of the extras can't "act" while running backwards. Also, with the dialogue as important to the understanding as it actually is, it would be nice if it were more clear and also didn't have throbbing music played under it. Hey, surely Nolan CONSIDERED a split screen with one side "red" perspective and the other side "blue" with the crossover right at five minutes. That may be the move of a younger, stupider director.
29. Happiest Season
One thing the movie gets right is to lean hard into the orphan jokes. There's the money right there. Other than that, maybe let's try and get a little funnier with the jokes. Kristen Stewart utilizes her patented non-emotive acting style that filmy people tend to be in love with, but I must have missed that particular appreciation course. Okay but also what year is this? They're using iPhones right? This isn't like 70 years ago? Is Mackenzie Davis's father running for senate in Iran? I don't understand the absolute scandal of having a gay daughter. I mean even Newt Gingrich had a gay sister and that was in like 1994. I'm probably making light of the whole situation, but I think we as an audience can afford to be challenged just a bit more than worrying if the quirky family is gonna accept their gay daughter. Levy's got his usual great timed zingers btw. Btw, looking back on this a few weeks later I appreciate it a lot more. Give credit to Holidate being so lame, therefore making this sudden comfort streaming Christmas movie far jollier by comparison.
28. Borat Subsequent Moviefilm
This thing... it's not really my kinda thing. The Giuliani sequence is super horrifying though so this is like a Halloween movie sorta.
27. To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You
I suppose this is the reason there aren't a lot of rom-com sequels. This is post-story, so it feels less a movie and more like episode 9 of Dawson's Creek season 2. Also, I think the little sister Kitty teeter-totter goes off its perfect balance and skews more toward annoying than endearing this time around. As everything roughly falls in place though, it's refreshing to see the usual relationship stumbling blocks dealt with. The hard thing though, is that while love stories are universal, the cracks in the romance vary by degree from person to person (or so I think in my skewed and perverted understanding of romance). Ultimately, Lara Jean and Peter's struggles are a bit relatable to me. However, I can't help but think most people I know find their troubles far more moronic. Their loss I guess. I'm able to relate to this movie and therefore enjoy it more, while everyone else is forced to just somehow carry on with their meaningful and fulfilling IRL relationship.
26. Be Water
[Sundance showing] Apparently Bruce Lee managed to sprinkle a few philosophical lines of his own into a few of his roles. I feel like this movie does a bit of the same thing. I'm not totally sure I have a much better grasp of Bruce Lee's thoughts and philosophy than before, but we're treated to his presence again and I'm certainly not complaining about that. Actually, the movie's worth it just to see the Green Hornet footage. So weirdly, this guy was discovered as a film star in America at a martial arts conference long after he was already a film star in Hong Kong. The two weren't even related. It's like Lee was destined for a life on the big screen regardless of his wishes. It makes his death more tragic really. Death despite destiny. He was robbed of Kung Fu, but destiny would have brought him consistent leading status had he lived and we'd be treated with more consistent Asian casting decades sooner.
25. She Dies Tomorrow
Nothing but a collapse into the weight of existence's futility. A woman spreads a disease of despair that assures everyone affected that death is inevitable the following day. I would say it would be nice if it goes somewhere else, but having been there so many times I can surely attest that there's nowhere else to go.
24. Zola
[Sundance showing] Remind me to read the tweetstorm this movie is based on. I have a feeling the movie doesn't delve too much deeper than the tweets themselves. Nevertheless, the dash of humor in the familiar phone blip sounds as well as Zola's deadpan asides to the absurd action go a long way into making the weird story a bit palatable instead of miserable. [I've since read the Zola Twitter thread; this movie is slightly better I think]
23. Spaceship Earth
Okay how was I not aware of THAT cameo at the end (no spoilers)? Depressing, because innovation, progress, and the FUTURE are determined by two personality types from opposite extremes that I don't relate to at all.
22. Feels Good Man
[Sundance showing] Okay so maybe I'm the last person in the universe to hear of Pepe the Frog, so this is a nice helpful bit of information. And helpful it is! As a complete newb to certain internet communities, this film transitions fabulously from comic culture to NEET to 4chan to seriously online Trumpism. But what's supposed to be hopeful still leaves me cold, confused, and alone regarding hope for a meaningful connection to culture at any time in the future.
21. Color Out of Space
Look. Looooook. Just because you make a Nicolas Cage-type movie, it doesn't mean you HAVE to get Nicolas Cage. Leave him to do some acting and don't force him to impersonate Nicolas Cage. As far as "portal in the sky and a beam coming down to Earth" movies go, this is one of the better ones. The beam curves in an interesting way and the eponymous color is very pretty. It feels obvious that Richard Stanley hasn't directed anything in 25 years because before the color even comes, I feel like the family is acting like they took direction from 25 years earlier. And some of the actors aren't 25 years old yet. The horror though is the randomness of the alien whatever it is. This rule could almost, almost be mistaken for lazy plot since anything can happen — and then it does. Hey, you make broad rules to the story, you're gonna hafta expect broad criticism. Hey but also it gets weird and freaky and despite my complaints, I can tell there's a sincerity to that weird freakiness.
20. Da 5 Bloods
Meanders so much I'll need to think back a month from now to determine if I love or hate the meanderings. Some scenes meander way slow. I do know that now. Also, sometimes the music goes on repeat for too long. Okay but as for the meat of the stuff ask me in a month! [It's not been more than a month and I'm probably gonna need to watch it again]
19. Sound of Metal
So I certainly feel the loss of this guy's hearing, but I'm finding a harder time finding the beauty in it. Of course the only part of grief I'm really good at is denial.
18. Never Rarely Sometimes Always
I hesitate to write anything at all. The experience is far outside my understanding so any comment from me for good or bad is undeserved. If nothing else the stress and grief is very well established through detachment rather than overt emotioning. Two super dumb questions though. First, did the first clinic lie about the stage of the baby term? I would think if they were trying to dissuade a termination they'd say it was actually later rather than earlier. As I type I'm guessing it must be to promote an idea that early term pregnancies have more qualities than they actually do. Okay yeah maybe that's it. My other question is why did the girls pack a suitcase full of free weights?
17. The Assistant
Unfortunately I'm totally those two other guys in the assistants' area who provide some comfort, but mostly just brush aside torment. I agree with what I've heard about how effective it is for the film to not show the preying corporate monster, but maybe he should actually have a name. Doesn't need to be Harvey or anything, but there's just some awkward pronoun-only dialogue.
16. Bad Hair
Sorta set in the '90s about a cursed weave attached to a poor young VJ's head. Bring me the NEW new jack swing soundtrack but also make all the music videos too.
15. On the Record
[Sundance showing] This is the complicated MeToo movie we wanted from the tame Unbelievable from last year. It's a bit more depressing now though with the women portrayed here lacking the community support that would seem essential for proper change to take place. On the plus, once the decision has been made, there seems to be even greater resolve to see things through, which is even more inspiring in the midst of greater bleakness.
14. The Half of It
The triangley premise only gets messier as the endorphiney elements of teenage love come about. It's enough to consider forsaking the concept and doing something easier, like pretend love. The casting of Alexxis Lemire prevents that from being an option though. Most of her role is just standing there staring at things. She's incapable of looking vacant though. Totally a reborn Brooke Adams. Extremely pretty, but somehow also the personification of inner love. Also teens are just way complicated these days because I don't know at all what to think when the "bad guy" performs a cover of female-led '80s band Berlin's seventh most popular song.
13. I'm Thinking of Ending Things
This review may contain (minor and very very very likely incorrect anyway) spoilers. The movie affects me. I'm forced to drop at least a half star because I'm so impressed with the mood and the dread and whatever the feeling is (while not quite at all grasping the intellectual meaning) of the precisely restrained first two thirds, yet the last bit heads way far into Charlie Kauffman Weirdland. Yes I obviously don't understand the reasons, but all I really know is the searing tone that had me doubled over in anxiety during the beginning really extinguishes by the end with, you know, the musical displays and whatnot. I must also say Jessie Buckley may be a personality genius. She manages a vivid believability regardless of the name or occupation the movie gives. When I meet this girl there's no way I don't believe she's a poet and also a physicist. Jesse Plemons is decent of course, but he seems less able to chameleonate himself. He's definitely stuck with a personality that can only be named "lumpy." As I type that I realize that's by design. Of course Plemons is duller because... he's the real one maybe? He's the one that's trapped by a memory.
Okay I gotta ask is that what this movie is about? A memory that's been given so much attention that it's been brought to life and it's finally at the end of its life? A memory so obsessed over that the memory itself is what needs to end things to help the rememberer??? That's what I get. Of course it may be because I'm more memory than man these days. Gonna go ahead now and check other reviews, imdb trivia, and whatever other discourse to learn how incredibly wrong I am. [I wasn't too wrong I think]
12. The Vast of Night
Sets itself up as a Twilight Zone homage, but it's safe to say (and I hope this isn't dissuasion) it's far more of an homage to Mystery Theater, the radio play (which, it turns out came along after The Twilight Zone, but nonetheless is still A RADIO PLAY). I appreciate it though. Ultimately there's more movie magic in dialogue than effects (especially these days when there is hardly a limit to what a computer can visually render). Here, they actually have the balls to channel radio enough for stretches of black screen. It's not telling rather than showing. It's showing by telling. Maybe I'm giving it a break just because of that thing about having the balls. It's way better as a work watch party because people can still work while listening to it and also nobody takes their top off (like in the unfortunate Fright Night work watch party). Sorry about all the parentheses.
11. The Go-Go's
By-the-numbers rock doc in a lot of ways, but the numbers come together into a pretty perfect beat. The highs are exhilarating, but the exuberance gets wiped off the faces real quick because of very relatable human weaknesses. The rise of The Go-Go's was so quick and nearly a flash in the pan, but this thing shows that such flashes happen with just the right balance of ingredients for lightning to properly strike.
10. Possessor
Squirm: The Movie. Brandon Cronenberg lushly digitizes some of the horrific body images his father David would've latexed, so it's a great continuation of the torch-passing. It also runs in the family where I look forward gleefully to sick violence (as I'm desensitized and used to it) only to have myself recoil as if it were actually happening to me in that moment. I don't get the sense of trippiness other viewers seem to get, but 12 hours later I'm thinking about how our interactions, whether familial or professional or sexual or whatever, burn a copy of some of the other person's personality onto us. For normies, this must be an inclusive comment on the joys of positive culture and society. For me and the Cronenberg family, this is horror.
9. Host
Both a tremendous unearthing of our true fears of isolation during the 2020 quarantine and also a specific indictment of the free Zoom meeting time limit.
8. Shithouse
Exactly what I thought it would be—within the first half. The addition of consequence (not regret, but consequence), propels Shithouse from ah jeepers-like wholesomeness to a harrowing intensity that comes with re-loss and re-loneliness. Turns out good times are plenty easy to come by. They just can't be relied upon. Also I hate how much I relate to this main character—a sensitive open wound that demands dressing from others. Why can't we just feel all things at the same time?
7. Soul
Yes fine I cried. Not entirely sure why though. I mean, of course I ought to appreciate every moment of life. Pixar just has its way with distilling a mood and shooting it back at you like a laser beam. I have slight quibbles with the universe presented. Like Inside Out, there are one or two many original abstract concepts. It's not that they're too hard to swallow, considering the movie's dealing with the vastness of existence, but it would be nice if there's as much conceptual focus as emotional focus. Also, story wise, I think a few shortcuts were made with finding 22's exuberance for living. For me, anyway, it was when I got my body that the real meaninglessness, self-doubt, and depression began. Minor movie things though, while swimming in a sea of feels. Plus, I really like the concept of the purpose becoming the thing that makes you lost. It's a great excuse to continue drifting.
6. The Trip to Greece
What is this, the fourth Steve Coogan/Rob Brydon road trip? I think we learn here that human beings crack each other up mostly to procrastinate death. Great use of comedy/tragedy masks. Also: the right-hand steering wheel provides lots of background anxiety because it just seems easier to steer into the wrong lane with that setup. Also: adding Dustin Hoffman to now long list of impressions to giggle to.
5. The Nowhere Inn
[Sundance showing] What starts as a purposeful anti-Spinal Tap where the subject is too dull to be profiled in a rock documentary stacks very quickly into something weirder and gloriouser. Annie Clark begins the tale struggling to find an identity worth portraying. Carrie Brownstein concludes it struggling to maintain control of the creative work. Ultimately the message is loud and clear more here than anywhere else that documenting is not just not necessarily truthful, but is actually a surefire way to expose falsehoods. The funny is charming, with a Portlandia vibe, but it's got quality television feels, which makes the feature length just slightly tedious. I was so looking forward to spending time with these girls because I've always hoped they'd be friends with me and we could all be so very cool together. It's a bit weird to watch it starry-eyed and then have one of the points of the film be that Annie Clark is actually a dull person IRL (maybe haha—who knows if there's ANY truth to this movie at all). Cool or not, though, the brief actual Saint Vincent concert clips confirm her a rockstar with divine presence. It's strangely fitting that these sequences are thrown in to balance the humor, the personality, the vibe, and the message—whatever THAT is.
4. Palm Springs
Okay I've been annoyed with just how many Groundhog Day premise movies have been churned out lately, but with this one especially I think I've finally settled with the fact that Groundhog Day is our collective myth of the modern era. How we interpret, exploit, and expand this myth is one of the only new ways we'll define future society. After the internet fails and we have video stores again, there will be an entire section called "Groundhog Day Movies."
Okay so of course the added element here is relationships within the loop. Palm Springs is smart to not just deal in love, but also hate. Existence is hard enough, but co-existence is much more complicated thanks to so many additional variables, resulting in a pretty combustible formula. Same reality, but different characters have different perceptions and that's gonna change the universe exponentially. Maybe the [spoilers] dinosaurs represent that? I dunno. I'm sure it's something obvious that I can't see that everybody knows about and the next five reviews I read are gonna make me feel turbodumb.
Okay but as long as we're talking love story though, how ALWAYS perfect is Cristin Milioti as the girl it's impossible not to fall in love with? Look the hotness is easy compared to the best friendness. I imagine her real life is quite difficult because everyone she associates with MUST assume they have an immediate, deep connection, right? Cristin, you obviously know how I feel, so if we ever meet in real life, better pretend to get a call and walk out of my life because after about 30 seconds I won't be able to live without you.
3. The Painter and the Thief
This is probably the winner of this year's "Wait Is this Really a Documentary or Did They Plan the Whole Thing Out and Hire Actors to Pretend to Be In a Documentary" award. The span of time is so great and it covers so much footage before anybody could have known there was a story here. Anyway, there's a fair bit of wrestling to do with these subjects. The film portrays the relationship between an artist and the thief that stole her painting. Most other films would treat the situation as a simple, affirming matter of forgiveness. This movie leaps right past that into territory with far less pat conclusions. The charm is in seeing this artist gravitate toward her perpetrator of sorts not so much out of forgiveness, but more about recognizing that kindred spirit. It sounds hopeful, and perhaps it is, but there's a severe haze of uncertainty hanging over the whole movie regarding what the coping and growing priorities ought to be.
2. David Byrne's American Utopia
This is a bizarre concert film with no stage instruments from David Byrne, the Stop Making Sense guy. The instruments and equipment are removed from the stage, forcing the band to simply use whatever they can hold and dance with to provide the music. Yes it sounds like the world's most involved marching band performance, but hey the music and the presentation here are just magical and unique. There's a part where Byrne introduces a song and says something about how it's about change, but not just demanding change in others, but looking toward himself as well. Even though he's a weirdo and apparently wasn't an easy hang back in Talking Heads days, you just gotta love how considerate he is with his art. There's experimental and there's accessible and then there's David Byrne's "expericessible." His awareness isn't wallowing in his own weirdness, but finding the exact right weirdness to bring to the world. And also, in general, what's the point of experimenting without results?
1. Dick Johnson Is Dead
[Sundance showing] Okay I watched this way back in January, so maybe it's unfair of me to put it in the top spot right now. I'll probably need to re-watch it (on Netflix!), but in the meantime here are a few thoughts about it from an eternity ago.
Documenting a celebration of life before death, like Kirsten Johnson does here with her father, is something I've always wanted to do with my mother, but I know I'd never be able to make it through such a process. This movie is so indulgently personal, but it takes such huge universal steps in helping to deal with the one thing that's inevitable in life now that so many people don't pay taxes. Kirsten captures heartwarming moments with her dad, Dick, in what seems to be pure ease. No doubt he'll always be remembered as a natural saint on earth despite any flaws that exist and despite his still being alive.
A little bit of this movie touches on religious beliefs and specifically Dick's membership and possible belief in heaven as a Seventh-Day Adventist. The Adventist stuff feels very familiar in this Sundance showing in the middle of Mormon country. It got me thinking a bit of my own beliefs and struggles and how I've never properly come to terms with death regardless of the outcome. Both nothingness and infinity are equally tragic. Thankfully, this movie takes the piss out of everything inevitable and in doing so shows we can have hope and lovingly carry on in all possible outcomes.
Yes of course I'm crying.
(there are so many this year because I never left the house and am now so very pale!)
51. In Search of Darkness: A Journey Into Iconic '80s Horror (2019)
More of an I Love the 80s episode, but just about all the horror movies. Props for being really easy to kick back and digest and also being super super long in this the worst month of life so far. [August 2020]
50. Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)
A horror musical of sorts (decades before stuff like Anna and the Apocalypse) and an allegory for virginity loss. Would that everyone's virginity loss be this rockin'! And bloody.
49. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
So the title refers to Anya's last boyfriend right? The one Bond killed? Past tense? The one she must have given thought to when Bond seduced her. Also, the villain in his aquatic base was this close to a sincere rendition of "Under the Sea."
48. Love with the Proper Stranger (1963)
Steve McQueen and Natalie Wood are a bit too pretty to feel sorry for, but clumsiness is charmingly contagious. Call me when the dad from Happy Days stars in his own romance tho.
47. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)
Whelp looks like I'm a vegetarian again.
46. Dead Man (1995)
Love the music (but I'm very sure it's all just outtakes from Neil Young soundchecks). This movie is likely more influential to Johnny Depp than his parents ever were because his whole vibe starts after this moody black and white western. He makes friends with a Native American outcast who seems to have been thrown out of his tribe for being a little too... stereotypically Native Americany.
45. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)
I'm both enthused and annoyed that this mockumentary parody of slasher killers exists. Of course getting all meta is fun and playing with the method of presentation is anti-boring, but at the same time all the talk about the slasher rules within this movie kind of narrows the meaning outside of it. What is it about slashers that make us want to nail down the rules? Too many nails and there's not enough room for adjustment. Perhaps that's just as well. We as humans made about 500 too many slashers anyway, so we may as well cap our studies with Scream, The Cabin in the Woods, and this one.
44. Dark Passage (1947)
It's a non-violent first person shooter that harshly morphs into a movie about people falling off cliffs. Also, Humphrey Bogart.
43. First Blood (1982)
"You started it."
33. Five Fingers of Death (1972)
Great but if they spend the whole year killing each other in preparation for the annual tournament how do they have enough people to send to the annual tournament? I would have given it a full extra star if the last scene ended with just the blindfolded guy finishing up all the bad guys. I guess in 1972 we weren't prepared for a blind guy kicking butt on 50 people.
32. Nighthawks (1981)
Award to Stallone for most intensely serious drag performance.
31. The Last Temptation of Christ (1988)
Well in a sense I relate to Jesus more now because I ALSO am usually crippled by fear.
30. Mother (2009)
Blood > all the rest of society
29. Urgh! A Music War (1981)
Possibly the closest I've ever come to actual time travel. This is just a straightforward filming of various concerts in the States and UK around 1980-81. I thought I knew a lot about the British New Wave. Now I realize I know very little and am very ashamed, yet excited to catch Urgh 2 if it's ever made.
28. In the Heat of the Night (1967)
An educated black man helps a racist white cop solve a murder in the deep south. The good stuff is beyond the simple characterizations. We get sprinkles of strengths and weaknesses in both characters, making it realer and more human than a moralistic lesson.
27. Anna and the Apocalypse (2017)
Every element is better than expected. If I have to complain (and for some reason I always do), the singing interrupts my investment in the live-action universe and vice versa. Yes I know that doesn't make sense. By that definition all musicals shouldn't exist. Maybe other musicals are better at making the real world frivolous enough that songs seem normal in that universe. Also, the lead is too pretty and I'm more likely to be jealous of that rather than relate. Sorry movie, but you gotta admit there are far worse criticisms than too much scene investment and a hot main actress.
26. American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)
I hate dudes, but for some reason I love Dudikoff. My allegiance may have eventually switched to the ninja he dragged behind a truck for five miles. Also, I can't explain it, but it delights me rather than annoys me that the bad guys' foolproof plan to create an invincible army of ninjas is simply to kidnap every single member of the opposing army. I am 14 again.
25. Ordinary People (1980)
As exhausting and annoying as a good therapy sesh IRL. Of course the more we dig into the problems, it seems the further away from sunlight.
24. Out of the Past (1947)
Robert Mitchum gets sucked back into an old lurid life in this old noir film. Man, dames sure get their roots in you. Past and present, good and bad.
23. Dead & Buried (1981)
Zombies in the foggy fishing town by way of Rodeo Drive plastic surgery. Watch for the hitchhiker reconstruction sequence. It's the kind of beautiful magic fit for films.
22. The World of Apu (1959)
Freedom is a vast open prison.
21. Ouija: Origin of Evil (2016)
I've never seen a Catholic priest so at ease with the blatant occult behavior of his Catholic school students. Oh and priest, I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to date the single moms of your students. Some fun scares though!
20. The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (1958)
What a great transition from stand-up comedy to sailing adventurer, but Sinbad you've got a huge discipline problem on your boat.
19. From Russia with Love (1963)
The return of Sylvia Trench! She's my favorite Bond girl and gets big points for jumping between movies.
18. Drugstore Cowboy (1989)
The decision is bigger than the emotion. At least until succumbing to the hat. Ugh that addiction is a nasty twinge.
17. About Last Night... (1986)
So similar to the season-long romantic comedies I'm addicted to, but way back in 1986. A bit palpable in its heartbreak (perhaps because I'm still incurably tender myself). Also there's a crazy naked montage. Hey Demi Moore and Rob Lowe, those cameras were totally on and it appears you haven't done wardrobe yet! *standing ovation*
16. Dr. No (1962)
James Bond sucker punches A LOT of henchmen fleeing for their lives during that end countdown sequence. Maybe his judgment's impaired after being punched A LOT by Dr. No's metal fists.
15. Dressed to Kill (1980)
About the level of sleaze as a pulp novel cover. Not the whole novel, mind you. The COVER. And I am here for all of it.
All the Old Movies I Watched That I'd Never Seen Before!
(there are so many this year because I never left the house and am now so very pale!)
120. A Very Nutty Christmas (2018)
Watched this so I could listen to the How Did This Get Made podcast episode. May have been a mistake as the absolute Lifetime-ness of this movie seriously sent me into an anxiety spiral. I honestly passed out in a panic during the last half hour. Also, the main guy? Not that hot.
119. Playing with Fire (2019)
Seems the screenwriters used every tired placeholder line from the past 30 years because they knew they were making a movie for kids and kids haven't heard all those lines yet. KIDS DESERVE BETTER! CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE!
118. Blood Harvest (1987)
The imperfectest of combinations with Tiny Tim and ultra gross exploitation.
117. Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987)
Bobcat Golthwait has a waaaaay funnier voice than Michael Winslow.
116. Meet the Feebles (1989)
Perhaps the first of a recurring trend to use felt puppets in the most inappropriate ways. Yes I know I've used the term "trapped in a living nightmare" with positive connotations in the past, but I'll go ahead and use it negatively here. Actually a bit of this chaos is missing from the perfect sheen of Jackson's Lord of the Rings and later films. But also maybe the worst thing I can say is it's difficult to keep attention on this thing. It's a combination of repulsiveness and what I expect is a completely ADR'd movie. There's some kind of disconnect between sounds and visuals. Of course a lot of my problems may also have to do with the shoddy streaming print I viewed.
115. WolfCop (2014)
Goofy and showy and just loud enough to drive me to check my phone most of the time.
114. Assassin's Creed (2016)
The boringest Michael Fassbender movie ever. This was supposed to be the first good video game-based movie, but it turns out it's a rapturous swell of nothingness. Okay so what's the deal with that dumb bird that keeps popping in and soaring all about?
113. In Country (1989)
Kinda a movie about how we don't talk about Vietnam so it's a whole lot of not talking about Vietnam and also Emily Lloyd has a very subtle southern accent okay just kidding that's the phoniest southern accent I've ever heard.
112. Top Dog (1995)
Guessing the strategy was to pair Chuck Norris with a dog so he'd be a good actor by comparison but hoo boy did that backfire.
111. Madman (1981)
Another boring slasher but at least the Dawn of the Dead lady is in it.
110. Street Trash (1987)
Hey great steadicam (but it's through a cesspool ): )!
109. Blue Hawaii (1961)
My first Elvis movie! I've gone to concerts with more dialogue and fewer songs and also this movie is 57 hours long. Possibly my final Elvis movie.
108. Octopussy (1983)
I don't think I'd seen this one! It sucks! But I do love the part where the villains plan to leave at exactly 3:15 so the nuclear bomb doesn't kill them, but then the car almost doesn't start and they sigh a little.
107. Neruda (2016)
Hablary hablary. Also a Chilean remake of that one Simpsons where Rex Banner ineptly tries to pursue Homer as the beer baron.
106. Rhinestone (1984)
A weird documentary of itself where the producer bet the director he couldn't combine the gumdrop sweetness of Dolly Parton with the gravelly steakness of Sylvester Stallone.
105. 1941 (1979)
I've now finally seen this peculiar burp in Steven Spielberg's filmography. Doesn't it just feel a lot more NY than LA? Seems the submarine is on the right side of the screen too much while the shore is on the left, implying ocean to the east and land to the west. Also everybody is just a lot more Yorky than Angelino. Okay but that's the minorest of the details. I think here we completely realize that the Spielberg magic only works when there's loving care for characters more than situation. He may have lucked into it in Jaws, but obviously took note of it here when moving on to Close Encounters and Raiders. From then on it's all about the people. 1941 is like entering a room where everybody is on assignment to "act wacky" and they all have name tags that are not themselves and somehow you're expected to shake hands with them all but they're all yelling and screaming and are also Covid-positive. I had my chuckles, but chuckles only. Legit laughter could have come from the same gags if backed by legit people.
104. Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)
That little psychopath Tootie must be the inspiration for Louise Belcher. I feel bad and smug about not liking this classic as much. There are some pretty great songs, but the main characters of this little women family present themselves as a bit to self-absorbed and shallow in my view.
103. Contamination (1980)
[spoiler] Slimy gross cyclops octopus monster at the end.
102. Breathless (1960)
"You should have talked about me and me, about you." I love this line and appreciate that the movie acknowledges my aggravation with it. This movie is apparently essential in the French New Wave movement, but those words are meaningless to me. The movie is always discussed as its importance in film history, but I've yet to hear one person present the individual value of the film outside that context. With the exception of that single line I've spoiled, I could not find any meaning or feeling within this movie.
101. Chris Claremont's X-Men (2018)
My first movie of 2020 was a documentary that was supposed to focus on Chris Claremont stories, but it unfortunately has many dangling threads and is as unfocused as a Chris Claremont story.
100. Never Say Never Again (1983)
The same thing said again.
99. Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
Guessing Barney the Dinosaur may be based on the plush animatronic shark from this film.
98. Ator, the Fighting Eagle (1982)
This is a fantasy where a boring mullet man tries to save his sister/girlfriend. These dumb lunks get all the girls. Even when the girls are their relatives.
97. The Last Starfighter (1984)
Maggie should have chosen the Beta Unit replacement for the last starfighter. That android is way less douchey than the real Alex, who is the type of person who says to strangers "is this where you wanna be for the rest of your life?"
96. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
Meant to see this as a kid on opening day but finally got around to it on its 30th anniversary and all I can think is how is Lea Thompson NOT April O'Neil?
95. Extra Ordinary (2019)
When the whimsy doubly overpowers the urgency.
94. The Myth of the American Sleepover (2010)
What a weird movie. All these kids are zombies. It's adding the weight and despair of adulthood to nostalgia.
93. 1917 (2019)
Okay I think we've reached peak one-shotness and it's time to re-appreciate the art of editing again. The single shot gimmick in 1917 makes all the times and locations too close together to be literally accurate. If some kind of time/space contraction is what we need to imply onto the film, we simply can't do that when the fruit of the single shot is to make the world and situation more real. Also, too much music. Let us live in the sounds of the world. On the positive I'm stressed out for most of the runtime, so I can't say it's not totally effective. But then again how hard is it to stress ME out?
92. Fighting with My Family (2019)
This is about a family that really loves wrestling and the sister gets a shot at wrestling so it's already really hard for me to relate. Paige, the sister, is not quite five feet so sometimes the camera isn't at the same eye line with other characters but then AJ, the eventual opponent, is somehow not quite four feet so I don't even know what's real in the world.
91. Ford v Ferrari (2019)
I think my favorite part is when Bourne holds up a sign for Batman to see that says "go faster." K yeah but more than any other movie lately the characters feel more written than real if that makes any sense. Everything's subjective, but I could practically hear a screenplay committee working hard to set the tone. And by working, I mean slapping each others' backs saying "alright we NAILED it, man!"
90. The Hustle (2019)
Starts off trying to awkwardly get on the same rails as Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, but then gets on its own wavelength and is pretty fun! Then it kind of ends lame. Are those spoilers? I like it when Hathaway is all German for sure.
89. Love, Gilda (2018)
Gilda Radner, or at least the way I know her (just old footage), is delightfully huggable, so understandably Love, Gilda is delightful for the parts I knew would be delightful.
88. Desperately Seeking Susan (1985)
Madonna in this reminds me of someone who was once very close to me. I think we're both looking the same direction, but she's walking away.
87. The Happening (2008)
Finally saw this for the first time. Not as crazy bad as I was led to believe but Zooey, ya gotta try harder next time! Somehow I like the music. It's Hitchcockian or '50s sci-fi or something. Just the right excitable amount of musical drama to go with shots of branches swaying. Oh and also this is really really Covidy-themed. Now everything is at least a little though.
86. Street Fighter (1994)
Never before have I seen a movie that more seems like the phony movie being fakely made within the universe of a different, more real movie.
85. The Witches (1990)
I think my favorite horror genre is "kids movies that unnecessarily traumatized children when everyone thought everything would be fine." My empty soul has long been immune to frights, so I've replaced that need with a joy that only comes with children's pain. Two pluses: mouse puppetry and low-angle steadicam work. One minus: sure they don’t explain it in the book either, but isn't it just a broad caricature that witches just hate children for no reason?
84. Fallen Angels (1995)
Not sure how a movie could be so very 1995. Starts off with some kinetic camera movement that I dig but then that same camera movement sort of strangely highlights just how very insufferable these characters are. So very 1995.
83. Demolition Man (1993)
He can sew! Also it's fun in 2020 to look at the list of stuff they predicted would be illegal. Fingers still crossed for bad language and contact sports!
82. Santa with Muscles (1996)
Like ALL THE OTHER Hulk Hogan comedies I've seen, this movie is a combination of laziness, awkwardness, and meaninglessness, BUT there are always half a dozen moments where I guffaw. Three stars!
81. You Only Live Twice (1967)
Turning Japanese I think Bond's turning Japanese I really think so. Also remember that part where he goes to the Japanese shipyard and just starts killing the dock workers like he's Sir Lancelot in that town where he killed everybody?
80. Following (1998)
Watched while working at home during isolation so I envied everybody. This was actually way back on April 3rd, so there have been many similar experiences since then.
79. Death in Venice (1971)
Dude you totally got Chalamet'd! (This is totally about a cholera epidemic and an old guy falling in love with a young guy before everybody dies)
78. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
[the movie's editor inexplicably uses a bunch of fade outs between scenes as if it's a TV show going to commercial] Actually much better than the other entries I've seen of the series. I like how it's a little like Halloween with the houses (cabins) right near each other. It hardly seems like they planned it to be the end except suddenly in the last ten minutes it contorts in that direction. The head-shaving sequence is espec[FADE OUT]
77. Swimming to Cambodia (1987)
There's this weird globule of top lip spittle when Spalding Gray gets really excited. It's just a guy talking at a table, so while it's commendable that he keeps attention as well as he does, obviously the viewer does whatever it takes to get through the time.
76. Brittany Runs a Marathon (2019)
Good for her running, but if I were her sister and brother-in-law I wouldn't bother watching the race after Brittany's insult-a-thon at the family picnic.
75. Don't Look Now (1973)
Both stages of grief are practiced. Violent denial and horrific delusions.
74. The Changeling (1980)
Watched this sporadically over the course of three months. Lots of talking about things I should have taken notes on and then a bunch of fire and a living wheelchair so that's pretty cool.
73. Ganja & Hess (1973)
Either let it suck the life out of you or marry the damn vampire so you can suck together.
72. The Thing (2011)
Pretty good considering. But because the 1982 version is one of the best movies ever, there's also absolutely no need to make this one in the slightest. I'm glad The Thing landed in Antarctica though. Anywhere else in the world and we wouldn't stand a chance.
71. Hell House LLC (2015)
This review may contain spoilers. A wonderful heartwarming story about the eradication of a house full of douches.
70. Game of Death (1978)
This movie was completed after Bruce Lee's death so they adjusted the plot to include disguises in order to justify lesser Bruce Lee stand-ins and cardboard cutouts. In the end it's like that one movie I never saw where Cate Blanchett and all the different actors played Bob Dylan.
69. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)
Man Freddy give up your teenager-killing hobby. Now two of them need to be asleep at the same time to get you in. Rules are gettin' tougher, man. Try Peloton.
68. At Eternity's Gate (2018)
Minus two stars because the title is impossible to remember. This is an intimate look at Van Gogh and his struggles. After Nanette, though, I felt no need to pay all my attention.
67. Supergirl (1984)
Bechdel's Worst Nightmare: The Movie. Supergirl comes down to Earth to find a school roommate and talk about boys. Eventually some weird magic stuff happens. Okay goofy beyond any known scale, but way funnier than Superman III and IV.
66. Thief (1981)
Well I guess true freedom is really just murdering all familial, occupational, and law enforcement ties. [spoilers]
65. Q (1982)
Pretty compelling supporting cast to the ol' serpent. This movie is nuts. A claymation creature is loose in New York and apparently the live footage was shot before the creature footage so they had to awkwardly squish the creature into the shots. But again, some of these cops and stuff are really fun guys.
64. Casino (1995)
Kind of a roundabout way to hear every Rolling Stones song, but I guess I'm okay with it.
63. Tigers Are Not Afraid (2017)
Here's a Mexican movie about a bunch of street kids who offset their horrifying real lives with a step into the horrifying world of fantasy. Fortunately the sad hardness of these kids is offset by some pretty wussy cartel people.
62. Daniel Isn't Real (2019)
Daniel is real and he's a psychotic imaginary friend that does bad things. Bizarrely riveting for something I was hoping to pay less attention to. Thank goodness my dark self is as lazy as I am.
61. Jiro Dreams of Sushi (2011)
Until home smell-o-vision finally happens, I'm gonna have to trust 'em on the whole delicious part of it.
60. The Living Daylights (1987)
Prince Barin is a broody, youthful addition the franchise needed at the time, but why oh why does the whole thing feel like a made-for-tv movie?
59. Flesh + Blood (1985)
Possibly the most sarcastic film score of all time. In case you're wondering this is a medieval story of a bunch medieval-equivalent white trash who take over a castle and there's lots of murder and rape and plague. In the meantime the soundtrack sounds as triumphant and jovial as Camelot.
58. Society (1989)
Okay maybe Parasite is waaay too subtle compared to this gooooey class commentary. High society literally tempts the protagonist to turn into jelly and converge together in a slimy mess of limbs and skin.
57. Alien Nation (1988)
No complaints. Well, the last 15 minutes are kinda reminiscent of most recent DC/Marvel movies where it's just a powered up CG baddie (latex in this case). But as for the rest, I like how it feels like a tv episode in the middle of a larger plot that involves aliens (which is quite fitting considering it became a tv show a year later). Anywho, you got some expected action shortcuts and era cheese, but also a few zinger lines. PLUS some very specific elements from the later movies of Signs, Bright, and District 9 suddenly seem a lot less original.
56. The Christmas Chronicles (2018)
Kurt Russell as a man annoyed by his lack of official sainthood as well as his refusal to say "ho ho ho" sorta makes me believe in Santa again. Could do without the jailhouse blues number (what's up with movies always having jailhouse blues numbers?), but the weak and trite message of believing in yourself more than in Christmas elves is weirdly satisfying on a Festivus afternoon.
Watched this so I could listen to the How Did This Get Made podcast episode. May have been a mistake as the absolute Lifetime-ness of this movie seriously sent me into an anxiety spiral. I honestly passed out in a panic during the last half hour. Also, the main guy? Not that hot.
119. Playing with Fire (2019)
Seems the screenwriters used every tired placeholder line from the past 30 years because they knew they were making a movie for kids and kids haven't heard all those lines yet. KIDS DESERVE BETTER! CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE!
118. Blood Harvest (1987)
The imperfectest of combinations with Tiny Tim and ultra gross exploitation.
117. Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987)
Bobcat Golthwait has a waaaaay funnier voice than Michael Winslow.
116. Meet the Feebles (1989)
Perhaps the first of a recurring trend to use felt puppets in the most inappropriate ways. Yes I know I've used the term "trapped in a living nightmare" with positive connotations in the past, but I'll go ahead and use it negatively here. Actually a bit of this chaos is missing from the perfect sheen of Jackson's Lord of the Rings and later films. But also maybe the worst thing I can say is it's difficult to keep attention on this thing. It's a combination of repulsiveness and what I expect is a completely ADR'd movie. There's some kind of disconnect between sounds and visuals. Of course a lot of my problems may also have to do with the shoddy streaming print I viewed.
115. WolfCop (2014)
Goofy and showy and just loud enough to drive me to check my phone most of the time.
114. Assassin's Creed (2016)
The boringest Michael Fassbender movie ever. This was supposed to be the first good video game-based movie, but it turns out it's a rapturous swell of nothingness. Okay so what's the deal with that dumb bird that keeps popping in and soaring all about?
113. In Country (1989)
Kinda a movie about how we don't talk about Vietnam so it's a whole lot of not talking about Vietnam and also Emily Lloyd has a very subtle southern accent okay just kidding that's the phoniest southern accent I've ever heard.
112. Top Dog (1995)
Guessing the strategy was to pair Chuck Norris with a dog so he'd be a good actor by comparison but hoo boy did that backfire.
111. Madman (1981)
Another boring slasher but at least the Dawn of the Dead lady is in it.
110. Street Trash (1987)
Hey great steadicam (but it's through a cesspool ): )!
109. Blue Hawaii (1961)
My first Elvis movie! I've gone to concerts with more dialogue and fewer songs and also this movie is 57 hours long. Possibly my final Elvis movie.
108. Octopussy (1983)
I don't think I'd seen this one! It sucks! But I do love the part where the villains plan to leave at exactly 3:15 so the nuclear bomb doesn't kill them, but then the car almost doesn't start and they sigh a little.
107. Neruda (2016)
Hablary hablary. Also a Chilean remake of that one Simpsons where Rex Banner ineptly tries to pursue Homer as the beer baron.
106. Rhinestone (1984)
A weird documentary of itself where the producer bet the director he couldn't combine the gumdrop sweetness of Dolly Parton with the gravelly steakness of Sylvester Stallone.
105. 1941 (1979)
I've now finally seen this peculiar burp in Steven Spielberg's filmography. Doesn't it just feel a lot more NY than LA? Seems the submarine is on the right side of the screen too much while the shore is on the left, implying ocean to the east and land to the west. Also everybody is just a lot more Yorky than Angelino. Okay but that's the minorest of the details. I think here we completely realize that the Spielberg magic only works when there's loving care for characters more than situation. He may have lucked into it in Jaws, but obviously took note of it here when moving on to Close Encounters and Raiders. From then on it's all about the people. 1941 is like entering a room where everybody is on assignment to "act wacky" and they all have name tags that are not themselves and somehow you're expected to shake hands with them all but they're all yelling and screaming and are also Covid-positive. I had my chuckles, but chuckles only. Legit laughter could have come from the same gags if backed by legit people.
104. Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)
That little psychopath Tootie must be the inspiration for Louise Belcher. I feel bad and smug about not liking this classic as much. There are some pretty great songs, but the main characters of this little women family present themselves as a bit to self-absorbed and shallow in my view.
103. Contamination (1980)
[spoiler] Slimy gross cyclops octopus monster at the end.
102. Breathless (1960)
"You should have talked about me and me, about you." I love this line and appreciate that the movie acknowledges my aggravation with it. This movie is apparently essential in the French New Wave movement, but those words are meaningless to me. The movie is always discussed as its importance in film history, but I've yet to hear one person present the individual value of the film outside that context. With the exception of that single line I've spoiled, I could not find any meaning or feeling within this movie.
101. Chris Claremont's X-Men (2018)
My first movie of 2020 was a documentary that was supposed to focus on Chris Claremont stories, but it unfortunately has many dangling threads and is as unfocused as a Chris Claremont story.
100. Never Say Never Again (1983)
The same thing said again.
99. Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
Guessing Barney the Dinosaur may be based on the plush animatronic shark from this film.
98. Ator, the Fighting Eagle (1982)
This is a fantasy where a boring mullet man tries to save his sister/girlfriend. These dumb lunks get all the girls. Even when the girls are their relatives.
97. The Last Starfighter (1984)
Maggie should have chosen the Beta Unit replacement for the last starfighter. That android is way less douchey than the real Alex, who is the type of person who says to strangers "is this where you wanna be for the rest of your life?"
96. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
Meant to see this as a kid on opening day but finally got around to it on its 30th anniversary and all I can think is how is Lea Thompson NOT April O'Neil?
95. Extra Ordinary (2019)
When the whimsy doubly overpowers the urgency.
94. The Myth of the American Sleepover (2010)
What a weird movie. All these kids are zombies. It's adding the weight and despair of adulthood to nostalgia.
93. 1917 (2019)
Okay I think we've reached peak one-shotness and it's time to re-appreciate the art of editing again. The single shot gimmick in 1917 makes all the times and locations too close together to be literally accurate. If some kind of time/space contraction is what we need to imply onto the film, we simply can't do that when the fruit of the single shot is to make the world and situation more real. Also, too much music. Let us live in the sounds of the world. On the positive I'm stressed out for most of the runtime, so I can't say it's not totally effective. But then again how hard is it to stress ME out?
92. Fighting with My Family (2019)
This is about a family that really loves wrestling and the sister gets a shot at wrestling so it's already really hard for me to relate. Paige, the sister, is not quite five feet so sometimes the camera isn't at the same eye line with other characters but then AJ, the eventual opponent, is somehow not quite four feet so I don't even know what's real in the world.
91. Ford v Ferrari (2019)
I think my favorite part is when Bourne holds up a sign for Batman to see that says "go faster." K yeah but more than any other movie lately the characters feel more written than real if that makes any sense. Everything's subjective, but I could practically hear a screenplay committee working hard to set the tone. And by working, I mean slapping each others' backs saying "alright we NAILED it, man!"
90. The Hustle (2019)
Starts off trying to awkwardly get on the same rails as Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, but then gets on its own wavelength and is pretty fun! Then it kind of ends lame. Are those spoilers? I like it when Hathaway is all German for sure.
89. Love, Gilda (2018)
Gilda Radner, or at least the way I know her (just old footage), is delightfully huggable, so understandably Love, Gilda is delightful for the parts I knew would be delightful.
88. Desperately Seeking Susan (1985)
Madonna in this reminds me of someone who was once very close to me. I think we're both looking the same direction, but she's walking away.
87. The Happening (2008)
Finally saw this for the first time. Not as crazy bad as I was led to believe but Zooey, ya gotta try harder next time! Somehow I like the music. It's Hitchcockian or '50s sci-fi or something. Just the right excitable amount of musical drama to go with shots of branches swaying. Oh and also this is really really Covidy-themed. Now everything is at least a little though.
86. Street Fighter (1994)
Never before have I seen a movie that more seems like the phony movie being fakely made within the universe of a different, more real movie.
85. The Witches (1990)
I think my favorite horror genre is "kids movies that unnecessarily traumatized children when everyone thought everything would be fine." My empty soul has long been immune to frights, so I've replaced that need with a joy that only comes with children's pain. Two pluses: mouse puppetry and low-angle steadicam work. One minus: sure they don’t explain it in the book either, but isn't it just a broad caricature that witches just hate children for no reason?
84. Fallen Angels (1995)
Not sure how a movie could be so very 1995. Starts off with some kinetic camera movement that I dig but then that same camera movement sort of strangely highlights just how very insufferable these characters are. So very 1995.
83. Demolition Man (1993)
He can sew! Also it's fun in 2020 to look at the list of stuff they predicted would be illegal. Fingers still crossed for bad language and contact sports!
82. Santa with Muscles (1996)
Like ALL THE OTHER Hulk Hogan comedies I've seen, this movie is a combination of laziness, awkwardness, and meaninglessness, BUT there are always half a dozen moments where I guffaw. Three stars!
81. You Only Live Twice (1967)
Turning Japanese I think Bond's turning Japanese I really think so. Also remember that part where he goes to the Japanese shipyard and just starts killing the dock workers like he's Sir Lancelot in that town where he killed everybody?
80. Following (1998)
Watched while working at home during isolation so I envied everybody. This was actually way back on April 3rd, so there have been many similar experiences since then.
79. Death in Venice (1971)
Dude you totally got Chalamet'd! (This is totally about a cholera epidemic and an old guy falling in love with a young guy before everybody dies)
78. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
[the movie's editor inexplicably uses a bunch of fade outs between scenes as if it's a TV show going to commercial] Actually much better than the other entries I've seen of the series. I like how it's a little like Halloween with the houses (cabins) right near each other. It hardly seems like they planned it to be the end except suddenly in the last ten minutes it contorts in that direction. The head-shaving sequence is espec[FADE OUT]
77. Swimming to Cambodia (1987)
There's this weird globule of top lip spittle when Spalding Gray gets really excited. It's just a guy talking at a table, so while it's commendable that he keeps attention as well as he does, obviously the viewer does whatever it takes to get through the time.
76. Brittany Runs a Marathon (2019)
Good for her running, but if I were her sister and brother-in-law I wouldn't bother watching the race after Brittany's insult-a-thon at the family picnic.
75. Don't Look Now (1973)
Both stages of grief are practiced. Violent denial and horrific delusions.
74. The Changeling (1980)
Watched this sporadically over the course of three months. Lots of talking about things I should have taken notes on and then a bunch of fire and a living wheelchair so that's pretty cool.
73. Ganja & Hess (1973)
Either let it suck the life out of you or marry the damn vampire so you can suck together.
72. The Thing (2011)
Pretty good considering. But because the 1982 version is one of the best movies ever, there's also absolutely no need to make this one in the slightest. I'm glad The Thing landed in Antarctica though. Anywhere else in the world and we wouldn't stand a chance.
71. Hell House LLC (2015)
This review may contain spoilers. A wonderful heartwarming story about the eradication of a house full of douches.
70. Game of Death (1978)
This movie was completed after Bruce Lee's death so they adjusted the plot to include disguises in order to justify lesser Bruce Lee stand-ins and cardboard cutouts. In the end it's like that one movie I never saw where Cate Blanchett and all the different actors played Bob Dylan.
69. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)
Man Freddy give up your teenager-killing hobby. Now two of them need to be asleep at the same time to get you in. Rules are gettin' tougher, man. Try Peloton.
68. At Eternity's Gate (2018)
Minus two stars because the title is impossible to remember. This is an intimate look at Van Gogh and his struggles. After Nanette, though, I felt no need to pay all my attention.
67. Supergirl (1984)
Bechdel's Worst Nightmare: The Movie. Supergirl comes down to Earth to find a school roommate and talk about boys. Eventually some weird magic stuff happens. Okay goofy beyond any known scale, but way funnier than Superman III and IV.
66. Thief (1981)
Well I guess true freedom is really just murdering all familial, occupational, and law enforcement ties. [spoilers]
65. Q (1982)
Pretty compelling supporting cast to the ol' serpent. This movie is nuts. A claymation creature is loose in New York and apparently the live footage was shot before the creature footage so they had to awkwardly squish the creature into the shots. But again, some of these cops and stuff are really fun guys.
64. Casino (1995)
Kind of a roundabout way to hear every Rolling Stones song, but I guess I'm okay with it.
63. Tigers Are Not Afraid (2017)
Here's a Mexican movie about a bunch of street kids who offset their horrifying real lives with a step into the horrifying world of fantasy. Fortunately the sad hardness of these kids is offset by some pretty wussy cartel people.
62. Daniel Isn't Real (2019)
Daniel is real and he's a psychotic imaginary friend that does bad things. Bizarrely riveting for something I was hoping to pay less attention to. Thank goodness my dark self is as lazy as I am.
61. Jiro Dreams of Sushi (2011)
Until home smell-o-vision finally happens, I'm gonna have to trust 'em on the whole delicious part of it.
60. The Living Daylights (1987)
Prince Barin is a broody, youthful addition the franchise needed at the time, but why oh why does the whole thing feel like a made-for-tv movie?
59. Flesh + Blood (1985)
Possibly the most sarcastic film score of all time. In case you're wondering this is a medieval story of a bunch medieval-equivalent white trash who take over a castle and there's lots of murder and rape and plague. In the meantime the soundtrack sounds as triumphant and jovial as Camelot.
58. Society (1989)
Okay maybe Parasite is waaay too subtle compared to this gooooey class commentary. High society literally tempts the protagonist to turn into jelly and converge together in a slimy mess of limbs and skin.
57. Alien Nation (1988)
No complaints. Well, the last 15 minutes are kinda reminiscent of most recent DC/Marvel movies where it's just a powered up CG baddie (latex in this case). But as for the rest, I like how it feels like a tv episode in the middle of a larger plot that involves aliens (which is quite fitting considering it became a tv show a year later). Anywho, you got some expected action shortcuts and era cheese, but also a few zinger lines. PLUS some very specific elements from the later movies of Signs, Bright, and District 9 suddenly seem a lot less original.
56. The Christmas Chronicles (2018)
Kurt Russell as a man annoyed by his lack of official sainthood as well as his refusal to say "ho ho ho" sorta makes me believe in Santa again. Could do without the jailhouse blues number (what's up with movies always having jailhouse blues numbers?), but the weak and trite message of believing in yourself more than in Christmas elves is weirdly satisfying on a Festivus afternoon.
So while this movie was on I had a fabulous brainstorm for a future movie. So what if, like, Santa Claus exists, but there are like, a billion Santa Clauses? Each Santa is responsible for only like seven or eight households. It's up to them how they do it, but they all have a year to plan several heist-like ventures that take place all in one night and the Santa Claus corporation oversees everything. So the thing could have the tone of a crime movie, but it's the orchestration of millions of little reverse robberies.
55. My Lucky Star (2013)
This action comedy stars the gorgeous Ziyi Zhang as a sort of awkward Zooey Deschanel equivalent. Is this really the dorkiest girl in Beijing? She doesn't even have even nerd glasses for cryin' out loud! Probably should get to China more often.
54. Invaders from Mars (1986)
I think I would have loved this as a kid... or maybe dismissed it because I wouldn't have latched onto the efforts this world makes to respect the main character, a kid. Speaking of, the whole thing feels a bit like the kid character fell asleep watching an old '50s Earth invasion movie and his dreams are implanting himself as one of the characters. Too bad this kid sounds a lot like Melissa Villasenor's impression of a Little Rascals sketch.
53. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)
The whole world of 1986 is ugly enough to kill.
52. House of Games (1987)
Cons within cons means acting within acting, which therefore can't constantly be believable. We're slightly more prepped than the marks. The constant cons are quaint, but lose the edge after the first one.
55. My Lucky Star (2013)
This action comedy stars the gorgeous Ziyi Zhang as a sort of awkward Zooey Deschanel equivalent. Is this really the dorkiest girl in Beijing? She doesn't even have even nerd glasses for cryin' out loud! Probably should get to China more often.
54. Invaders from Mars (1986)
I think I would have loved this as a kid... or maybe dismissed it because I wouldn't have latched onto the efforts this world makes to respect the main character, a kid. Speaking of, the whole thing feels a bit like the kid character fell asleep watching an old '50s Earth invasion movie and his dreams are implanting himself as one of the characters. Too bad this kid sounds a lot like Melissa Villasenor's impression of a Little Rascals sketch.
53. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)
The whole world of 1986 is ugly enough to kill.
52. House of Games (1987)
Cons within cons means acting within acting, which therefore can't constantly be believable. We're slightly more prepped than the marks. The constant cons are quaint, but lose the edge after the first one.
51. In Search of Darkness: A Journey Into Iconic '80s Horror (2019)
More of an I Love the 80s episode, but just about all the horror movies. Props for being really easy to kick back and digest and also being super super long in this the worst month of life so far. [August 2020]
50. Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)
A horror musical of sorts (decades before stuff like Anna and the Apocalypse) and an allegory for virginity loss. Would that everyone's virginity loss be this rockin'! And bloody.
49. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
So the title refers to Anya's last boyfriend right? The one Bond killed? Past tense? The one she must have given thought to when Bond seduced her. Also, the villain in his aquatic base was this close to a sincere rendition of "Under the Sea."
48. Love with the Proper Stranger (1963)
Steve McQueen and Natalie Wood are a bit too pretty to feel sorry for, but clumsiness is charmingly contagious. Call me when the dad from Happy Days stars in his own romance tho.
47. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)
Whelp looks like I'm a vegetarian again.
46. Dead Man (1995)
Love the music (but I'm very sure it's all just outtakes from Neil Young soundchecks). This movie is likely more influential to Johnny Depp than his parents ever were because his whole vibe starts after this moody black and white western. He makes friends with a Native American outcast who seems to have been thrown out of his tribe for being a little too... stereotypically Native Americany.
45. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)
I'm both enthused and annoyed that this mockumentary parody of slasher killers exists. Of course getting all meta is fun and playing with the method of presentation is anti-boring, but at the same time all the talk about the slasher rules within this movie kind of narrows the meaning outside of it. What is it about slashers that make us want to nail down the rules? Too many nails and there's not enough room for adjustment. Perhaps that's just as well. We as humans made about 500 too many slashers anyway, so we may as well cap our studies with Scream, The Cabin in the Woods, and this one.
44. Dark Passage (1947)
It's a non-violent first person shooter that harshly morphs into a movie about people falling off cliffs. Also, Humphrey Bogart.
43. First Blood (1982)
"You started it."
"No YOU started it!"
"Watchoo talkin' 'bout? YOU started it!"
"YOU did!"
"YOOOOOUUUUU!!!"
"Gbbbfffrtughhhhh!!!"
42. Dead of Night (1945)
Jolly fun with mid-century ghost stories. My favorite is that little girl who just can't wait to get punched.
41. The Cocoanuts (1929)
The timing seems a bit unpolished next to some of the other Marx Brothers work I've seen, but at least this one comes with an army of dancing girls.
42. Dead of Night (1945)
Jolly fun with mid-century ghost stories. My favorite is that little girl who just can't wait to get punched.
41. The Cocoanuts (1929)
The timing seems a bit unpolished next to some of the other Marx Brothers work I've seen, but at least this one comes with an army of dancing girls.
Mrs. Potter: "Oh, Signore Pastrami, what is the first number?"
Chico: "Number one!"
40. Just Mercy (2019)
This was watched in June when it was free to rent for BLM purposes. Plenty straightforward, which is fine and ya gotta be respectable with stuff like this. That middle electric chair scene really does a number and sort of runs a current through the remaining scenes.
39. The Dead Zone (1983)
Walken totally not abiding by standard social distancing protocols.
38. Ninja III: The Domination (1984)
[Listed as 5 stars on my Letterboxd profile] Giving this movie one star for every throwing star embedded in a cop's face (missing: 37 more stars).
40. Just Mercy (2019)
This was watched in June when it was free to rent for BLM purposes. Plenty straightforward, which is fine and ya gotta be respectable with stuff like this. That middle electric chair scene really does a number and sort of runs a current through the remaining scenes.
39. The Dead Zone (1983)
Walken totally not abiding by standard social distancing protocols.
38. Ninja III: The Domination (1984)
[Listed as 5 stars on my Letterboxd profile] Giving this movie one star for every throwing star embedded in a cop's face (missing: 37 more stars).
Okay I watched beyond minute 14 and the rest of the movie isn't super great
37. The Last Dragon (1985)
The essential 80s combination of martial arts and blaxploitation. There's appropriation and then there's celebration. Let's party.
36. The Fifth Cord (1971)
I doubt I'll see anything else so Italian. Would be cheesy and sleazy if American, but it's Italian-ness makes it strangely lush and cool. Mel Brooks does a fine job as the no-nonsense police guy (EDIT: turns out that's not Mel Brooks).
35. One Dark Night (1982)
Spectacular harmless one night in a mausoleum horror. PG and boobless, nevertheless there are luscious mean girl mind games and also a pile of rotting corpses falls on the Regina George equivalent.
34. Sleeping Dogs (1977)
Extremely young Sam Neil looks glorious and sexy as a man trying his best to stay out of a national civil war in New Zealand. While everything else reminds me of Covid in 2020, this one reminds me of politics in 2020.I spent two years in New Zealand and let me tell ya, if there's one place that's on the verge of a militaristic fascist takeover, it's New Zealand. Okay actually I've never been more kidding.
37. The Last Dragon (1985)
The essential 80s combination of martial arts and blaxploitation. There's appropriation and then there's celebration. Let's party.
36. The Fifth Cord (1971)
I doubt I'll see anything else so Italian. Would be cheesy and sleazy if American, but it's Italian-ness makes it strangely lush and cool. Mel Brooks does a fine job as the no-nonsense police guy (EDIT: turns out that's not Mel Brooks).
35. One Dark Night (1982)
Spectacular harmless one night in a mausoleum horror. PG and boobless, nevertheless there are luscious mean girl mind games and also a pile of rotting corpses falls on the Regina George equivalent.
34. Sleeping Dogs (1977)
Extremely young Sam Neil looks glorious and sexy as a man trying his best to stay out of a national civil war in New Zealand. While everything else reminds me of Covid in 2020, this one reminds me of politics in 2020.
33. Five Fingers of Death (1972)
Great but if they spend the whole year killing each other in preparation for the annual tournament how do they have enough people to send to the annual tournament? I would have given it a full extra star if the last scene ended with just the blindfolded guy finishing up all the bad guys. I guess in 1972 we weren't prepared for a blind guy kicking butt on 50 people.
32. Nighthawks (1981)
Award to Stallone for most intensely serious drag performance.
31. The Last Temptation of Christ (1988)
Well in a sense I relate to Jesus more now because I ALSO am usually crippled by fear.
30. Mother (2009)
Blood > all the rest of society
29. Urgh! A Music War (1981)
Possibly the closest I've ever come to actual time travel. This is just a straightforward filming of various concerts in the States and UK around 1980-81. I thought I knew a lot about the British New Wave. Now I realize I know very little and am very ashamed, yet excited to catch Urgh 2 if it's ever made.
28. In the Heat of the Night (1967)
An educated black man helps a racist white cop solve a murder in the deep south. The good stuff is beyond the simple characterizations. We get sprinkles of strengths and weaknesses in both characters, making it realer and more human than a moralistic lesson.
27. Anna and the Apocalypse (2017)
Every element is better than expected. If I have to complain (and for some reason I always do), the singing interrupts my investment in the live-action universe and vice versa. Yes I know that doesn't make sense. By that definition all musicals shouldn't exist. Maybe other musicals are better at making the real world frivolous enough that songs seem normal in that universe. Also, the lead is too pretty and I'm more likely to be jealous of that rather than relate. Sorry movie, but you gotta admit there are far worse criticisms than too much scene investment and a hot main actress.
26. American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)
I hate dudes, but for some reason I love Dudikoff. My allegiance may have eventually switched to the ninja he dragged behind a truck for five miles. Also, I can't explain it, but it delights me rather than annoys me that the bad guys' foolproof plan to create an invincible army of ninjas is simply to kidnap every single member of the opposing army. I am 14 again.
25. Ordinary People (1980)
As exhausting and annoying as a good therapy sesh IRL. Of course the more we dig into the problems, it seems the further away from sunlight.
24. Out of the Past (1947)
Robert Mitchum gets sucked back into an old lurid life in this old noir film. Man, dames sure get their roots in you. Past and present, good and bad.
23. Dead & Buried (1981)
Zombies in the foggy fishing town by way of Rodeo Drive plastic surgery. Watch for the hitchhiker reconstruction sequence. It's the kind of beautiful magic fit for films.
22. The World of Apu (1959)
Freedom is a vast open prison.
21. Ouija: Origin of Evil (2016)
I've never seen a Catholic priest so at ease with the blatant occult behavior of his Catholic school students. Oh and priest, I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to date the single moms of your students. Some fun scares though!
20. The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (1958)
What a great transition from stand-up comedy to sailing adventurer, but Sinbad you've got a huge discipline problem on your boat.
19. From Russia with Love (1963)
The return of Sylvia Trench! She's my favorite Bond girl and gets big points for jumping between movies.
18. Drugstore Cowboy (1989)
The decision is bigger than the emotion. At least until succumbing to the hat. Ugh that addiction is a nasty twinge.
17. About Last Night... (1986)
So similar to the season-long romantic comedies I'm addicted to, but way back in 1986. A bit palpable in its heartbreak (perhaps because I'm still incurably tender myself). Also there's a crazy naked montage. Hey Demi Moore and Rob Lowe, those cameras were totally on and it appears you haven't done wardrobe yet! *standing ovation*
16. Dr. No (1962)
James Bond sucker punches A LOT of henchmen fleeing for their lives during that end countdown sequence. Maybe his judgment's impaired after being punched A LOT by Dr. No's metal fists.
15. Dressed to Kill (1980)
About the level of sleaze as a pulp novel cover. Not the whole novel, mind you. The COVER. And I am here for all of it.
Possible blurbs/taglines for film:
Angie Dickinson dabbles in dangerous promiscuity upon learning her son is a huge nerd.
Like most days, Nancy Allen is dressed, but today she's... DRESSED TO KILL!
14. Ugetsu (1953)
Who knew war is a great time to get into the pottery racket? Is this Japanese classic a horror movie? War, human weakness, a double-dose of paranormal specters (both good and evil)—yeah definitely horror, but in hindsight.
13. Three Identical Strangers (2018)
Starts fun, then there's a sad hypothesis that we have no individual wills of our own but THEN veers into the misery that accompanies the realization that we do have free wills and our actions have even MORE of an effect than we thought.
12. Plus One (2019)
[on my four-star Letterboxd review] I hated this movie. [watched on 2/4/20 -- don't remember completely, but pretty sure I loved how it opened up a few wounds in me]
11. Suddenly, Last Summer (1959)
This '50s melodrama where they're trying to get to the bottom of what happened last summer is just absolutely bonkers by the time the details of the whole story are revealed. Fortunately Liz Taylor DOESN'T just immediately say what suddenly happened last summer because there are some great Tennessee Williams and Gore Vidal lines in the meantime.
10. Her Smell (2018)
Elisabeth Moss is like a '90s rockstar. The movie drowns in delicate, yet bullying, sensibilities.
9. Sign o' the Times (1988)
Like an explosion that takes two hours. I don't think The Revolution or The New Power Generation ever had as much fun or ever were as cohesive as this little gang. Also primo skinnyass Prince.
8. She's Gotta Have It (1986)
I GUESS between these three loser suitors, I'd pick Mars. Maybe Nola should open it up to more dudes though cuz these guys aren't super tempting on their own. But what guy is? Thank goodness most women practice monogamy as an act of charity.
7. Moonraker (1979)
Okay I DON'T think I had seen this before! It's supposed to be the cheesiest and the worst, but I like it. The skydiving scene is Point Break levels! May as well have two boat scenes! The enemy lair is amazing (not the space station, but the Amazon lair)! There's actually only a little bit of space goofiness at the end and it's not THAT goofy. There's a sort of The Black Hole vibe (proving that 1979 was peak disco space year). I'd call it a classic space look that hearkens back to a pre-Star Wars space aesthetic but with post-Star Wars pressure. Also way to go model team on all those convincing space shuttle launches! If only the theme song were a banger and the villain had some flamboyance. Space Force to the rescue!
6. Jaws (1975)
Two people died before their eyes and yet the townspeople still debated on whether to keep businesses open. Man, people in the '70s were weird!
5. Sword of Trust (2019)
So what is it about that scene where four people are just stuck together and telling each other their life stories? Why does it kinda make me cry? This is also a weird movie where even the white supremacists have humorous mumblecore asides. But also, I don't usually recognize her, but I thought maybe it's her. After the movie, yeah I confirmed that it's the late Lynn Shelton playing the Deirdre girl. It just blows my mind how incredibly sad that makes it. Too real. Too sad to deal.
4. Born on the Fourth of July (1989)
Shrapnel helps, but it takes a village to actually change a mind.
3. A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014)
The vampire's canines become the pointy teeth rather than the incisors—ZERO STARS. Okay fine actually 3.5 stars. Okay actually yes I like it. After the watch, I noticed the blurb is all like "it's a horror! and a western! and a new wave Iranian cinema!" Well, yeah that's true but it's not as grating as that when you watch it. Respect for cobbling together sounds, images, and feelings without it seeming like a deliberate mash together of seemingly unrelated genres. The black & white photography is staggeringly pretty. The needle drops give the feeling of familiar songs but also the exhilaration of hearing something new. There's also an excitement in not knowing where the characters wind up or even where they deserve to wind up. I love this movie! Except it gets pretty bogged down toward the middle which doesn't QUITE provide the right foundation to stick the ending. Not super scary, but a sumptuous midnight snack. Watched with Joe Bob. He doesn't seem to think much of Ana Lily Amirpour.
2. Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019)
Perhaps I make the poet's choice rather than the lover's choice. Why am I so lousy with words then?
1. Lake Mungo (2008)
I watched this cute little ghost story for Halloween. Turns out it's a drama about grief and loss dressed up as a found footage horror movie. And yeah it looks like the final stage of grief is really betrayal.
77. Dream a Little Dream (1989)
The kinetic camera, energetic editing, and flashy fashions actually accentuate just how void of both plot and passion are in this unlittle 7000-second nightmare. Okay also I'm the last guy to complain about plot details, but I mean, c'mon right? It's not that they just smoothed over a few plot points to get to the end it's more like they ACTIVELY TRIED AS HARD AS POSSIBLE TO MAKE NONSENSE.
76. The World Is Not Enough (1999)
There's nothing wrong with this movie. Also nothing right. It's a collection of the most boring, humorless Bond tropes. Well, a couple of stars for Marceau. Great fire looks by her I think.
75. Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
They say acting is reacting, but what if everyone just stands there blankly in the first place?
74. Thor: The Dark World (2013)
Very pretty visuals worthy of a monthly calendar, but I can't explain why this movie is so very unaddictive. Maybe it's that it's so easy to mix up dark elves and frost giants two Thor movies in a row. Maybe the beaming portal in the sky is an old cliche by now. Maybe this one is just mathematically the beginning of Marvel fatigue. Otherwise there are clever lines and clever shots so it's almost hilariously unfair to blame the movie for my lack of enjoyment.
73. A View to a Kill (1985)
[2.5 stars on Letterboxd] Three minutes of an absolutely bitchin' theme song followed by like 80 minutes of just horse talk. Plus a half star for Walken.
72. The Lighthouse (2019)
When I originally watched this in the theater I had a really squirmy time, but it's better at home in the afternoon in a house that's slightly less isolating than this particular lighthouse.
71. Super 8 (2011)
You gotta film those rehearsals. Also, if the characters see the monster, the audience should see the monster. This ain't Jaws.
70. Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Blofeld at his sloppiest. An endless chain of diamond buyer middlemen (all of whom must be killed anyway), a fake satellite tape just lying around next to the real one, free reign given to Bond next to the satellite machine, a 50/50 shot situation for Bond to kill the right Blofeld, assassins who assassinate before the merchandise is verified, the kidnapping of a millionaire who's apparently just confined to his own shower, a personal submarine that's better used as a wrecking ball against his own rig, the blandness of Charles Gray compared to Pleasance/Savalas...
69. Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Weird setting. Weird vibe. Good for them getting a whole country of extras.
68. The Avengers (2012)
Good move using this movie to collect everyone together rather than use all the previous movies to do that. Those introductions with their inherent initial animosity are the best parts. It never shows how many people die in New York. My guess is somewhere between 5,000 and 3 million.
67. White Christmas (1954)
Could do without the general's woes, but the first frollicky 40 minutes are delightful. The second half is just observing rehearsals so I don't care so much but hey great technique!
66. Die Hard 2 (1990)
Everyone should have realized there was more trouble than usual when MAJOR Grant claims he taught COLONEL Stuart everything he knew. Christmas is hardly mentioned but this one has the snow missing from the first one. Also, The Rock ripped off some of this... but not the double cross! What up with that?
65. Goldfinger (1964)
This is the one where Bond is in captivity like the entire time. But also Spyhunter cars and Sneaker Pimps samples. I guess this little movie affected a lot of popular culture.
64. Caddyshack (1980)
Really more a series of silly semi-observed events than a movie. The main character is like the 13th-billed because he's really just observing the absurd loud moving parts of Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Murray, and the rest. The rest mostly being Ted Knight who is the real MVP. My brother once told me that in the official golf handbook the word "Noonen" is officially one of the words people aren't allowed to say during a putt and that's hilarious.
63. Tremors (1990)
That annoying kid never got chomped.
62. Willow (1988)
They don't make em' like Princess Sorsha anymore. I'm glad Hanmartigan was able to kiss her in this movie cuz there's no sequel. Luke Skywillow's power is unsaid, but I think it's his ability to turn those around him to good. I really liked it when Darth Kael's helmet got smashed. Palbavmordapatine.
61. Stand by Me (1986)
All '50s songs have weird made-up syllables instead of words for lyrics. Also I think I finally realized that Wil Wheaton's character won't admit it to himself, but he really envies his friend who merely gets physically beaten rather than emotionally beaten.
60. Thor (2011)
The cracks are starting to show a bit with mindingless™️ action bits. Fortunately there are all those Dutch angles to think about (which I REALLY noticed this time around). Also fortunately there's a new gang to hang out with. That's the biggest plus of all these Marvel movies. Natalie Portman, Chris Hemsworth, and Kat Dennings are a just a great goofy hang to come home to after being out at a showy party with Robert Downy Jr.
14. Ugetsu (1953)
Who knew war is a great time to get into the pottery racket? Is this Japanese classic a horror movie? War, human weakness, a double-dose of paranormal specters (both good and evil)—yeah definitely horror, but in hindsight.
13. Three Identical Strangers (2018)
Starts fun, then there's a sad hypothesis that we have no individual wills of our own but THEN veers into the misery that accompanies the realization that we do have free wills and our actions have even MORE of an effect than we thought.
12. Plus One (2019)
[on my four-star Letterboxd review] I hated this movie. [watched on 2/4/20 -- don't remember completely, but pretty sure I loved how it opened up a few wounds in me]
11. Suddenly, Last Summer (1959)
This '50s melodrama where they're trying to get to the bottom of what happened last summer is just absolutely bonkers by the time the details of the whole story are revealed. Fortunately Liz Taylor DOESN'T just immediately say what suddenly happened last summer because there are some great Tennessee Williams and Gore Vidal lines in the meantime.
10. Her Smell (2018)
Elisabeth Moss is like a '90s rockstar. The movie drowns in delicate, yet bullying, sensibilities.
9. Sign o' the Times (1988)
Like an explosion that takes two hours. I don't think The Revolution or The New Power Generation ever had as much fun or ever were as cohesive as this little gang. Also primo skinnyass Prince.
8. She's Gotta Have It (1986)
I GUESS between these three loser suitors, I'd pick Mars. Maybe Nola should open it up to more dudes though cuz these guys aren't super tempting on their own. But what guy is? Thank goodness most women practice monogamy as an act of charity.
7. Moonraker (1979)
Okay I DON'T think I had seen this before! It's supposed to be the cheesiest and the worst, but I like it. The skydiving scene is Point Break levels! May as well have two boat scenes! The enemy lair is amazing (not the space station, but the Amazon lair)! There's actually only a little bit of space goofiness at the end and it's not THAT goofy. There's a sort of The Black Hole vibe (proving that 1979 was peak disco space year). I'd call it a classic space look that hearkens back to a pre-Star Wars space aesthetic but with post-Star Wars pressure. Also way to go model team on all those convincing space shuttle launches! If only the theme song were a banger and the villain had some flamboyance. Space Force to the rescue!
6. Jaws (1975)
Two people died before their eyes and yet the townspeople still debated on whether to keep businesses open. Man, people in the '70s were weird!
5. Sword of Trust (2019)
So what is it about that scene where four people are just stuck together and telling each other their life stories? Why does it kinda make me cry? This is also a weird movie where even the white supremacists have humorous mumblecore asides. But also, I don't usually recognize her, but I thought maybe it's her. After the movie, yeah I confirmed that it's the late Lynn Shelton playing the Deirdre girl. It just blows my mind how incredibly sad that makes it. Too real. Too sad to deal.
4. Born on the Fourth of July (1989)
Shrapnel helps, but it takes a village to actually change a mind.
3. A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014)
The vampire's canines become the pointy teeth rather than the incisors—ZERO STARS. Okay fine actually 3.5 stars. Okay actually yes I like it. After the watch, I noticed the blurb is all like "it's a horror! and a western! and a new wave Iranian cinema!" Well, yeah that's true but it's not as grating as that when you watch it. Respect for cobbling together sounds, images, and feelings without it seeming like a deliberate mash together of seemingly unrelated genres. The black & white photography is staggeringly pretty. The needle drops give the feeling of familiar songs but also the exhilaration of hearing something new. There's also an excitement in not knowing where the characters wind up or even where they deserve to wind up. I love this movie! Except it gets pretty bogged down toward the middle which doesn't QUITE provide the right foundation to stick the ending. Not super scary, but a sumptuous midnight snack. Watched with Joe Bob. He doesn't seem to think much of Ana Lily Amirpour.
2. Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019)
Perhaps I make the poet's choice rather than the lover's choice. Why am I so lousy with words then?
1. Lake Mungo (2008)
I watched this cute little ghost story for Halloween. Turns out it's a drama about grief and loss dressed up as a found footage horror movie. And yeah it looks like the final stage of grief is really betrayal.
All the Movies I'd Already Seen That I Watched Again!
(usually these consist of movies I like that I want to revisit, but this year was so crazy I practiced a little more sadism than usual to break things up)
The kinetic camera, energetic editing, and flashy fashions actually accentuate just how void of both plot and passion are in this unlittle 7000-second nightmare. Okay also I'm the last guy to complain about plot details, but I mean, c'mon right? It's not that they just smoothed over a few plot points to get to the end it's more like they ACTIVELY TRIED AS HARD AS POSSIBLE TO MAKE NONSENSE.
76. The World Is Not Enough (1999)
There's nothing wrong with this movie. Also nothing right. It's a collection of the most boring, humorless Bond tropes. Well, a couple of stars for Marceau. Great fire looks by her I think.
75. Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
They say acting is reacting, but what if everyone just stands there blankly in the first place?
74. Thor: The Dark World (2013)
Very pretty visuals worthy of a monthly calendar, but I can't explain why this movie is so very unaddictive. Maybe it's that it's so easy to mix up dark elves and frost giants two Thor movies in a row. Maybe the beaming portal in the sky is an old cliche by now. Maybe this one is just mathematically the beginning of Marvel fatigue. Otherwise there are clever lines and clever shots so it's almost hilariously unfair to blame the movie for my lack of enjoyment.
73. A View to a Kill (1985)
[2.5 stars on Letterboxd] Three minutes of an absolutely bitchin' theme song followed by like 80 minutes of just horse talk. Plus a half star for Walken.
72. The Lighthouse (2019)
When I originally watched this in the theater I had a really squirmy time, but it's better at home in the afternoon in a house that's slightly less isolating than this particular lighthouse.
71. Super 8 (2011)
You gotta film those rehearsals. Also, if the characters see the monster, the audience should see the monster. This ain't Jaws.
70. Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Blofeld at his sloppiest. An endless chain of diamond buyer middlemen (all of whom must be killed anyway), a fake satellite tape just lying around next to the real one, free reign given to Bond next to the satellite machine, a 50/50 shot situation for Bond to kill the right Blofeld, assassins who assassinate before the merchandise is verified, the kidnapping of a millionaire who's apparently just confined to his own shower, a personal submarine that's better used as a wrecking ball against his own rig, the blandness of Charles Gray compared to Pleasance/Savalas...
69. Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Weird setting. Weird vibe. Good for them getting a whole country of extras.
68. The Avengers (2012)
Good move using this movie to collect everyone together rather than use all the previous movies to do that. Those introductions with their inherent initial animosity are the best parts. It never shows how many people die in New York. My guess is somewhere between 5,000 and 3 million.
67. White Christmas (1954)
Could do without the general's woes, but the first frollicky 40 minutes are delightful. The second half is just observing rehearsals so I don't care so much but hey great technique!
66. Die Hard 2 (1990)
Everyone should have realized there was more trouble than usual when MAJOR Grant claims he taught COLONEL Stuart everything he knew. Christmas is hardly mentioned but this one has the snow missing from the first one. Also, The Rock ripped off some of this... but not the double cross! What up with that?
65. Goldfinger (1964)
This is the one where Bond is in captivity like the entire time. But also Spyhunter cars and Sneaker Pimps samples. I guess this little movie affected a lot of popular culture.
64. Caddyshack (1980)
Really more a series of silly semi-observed events than a movie. The main character is like the 13th-billed because he's really just observing the absurd loud moving parts of Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Murray, and the rest. The rest mostly being Ted Knight who is the real MVP. My brother once told me that in the official golf handbook the word "Noonen" is officially one of the words people aren't allowed to say during a putt and that's hilarious.
63. Tremors (1990)
That annoying kid never got chomped.
62. Willow (1988)
They don't make em' like Princess Sorsha anymore. I'm glad Hanmartigan was able to kiss her in this movie cuz there's no sequel. Luke Skywillow's power is unsaid, but I think it's his ability to turn those around him to good. I really liked it when Darth Kael's helmet got smashed. Palbavmordapatine.
61. Stand by Me (1986)
All '50s songs have weird made-up syllables instead of words for lyrics. Also I think I finally realized that Wil Wheaton's character won't admit it to himself, but he really envies his friend who merely gets physically beaten rather than emotionally beaten.
60. Thor (2011)
The cracks are starting to show a bit with mindingless™️ action bits. Fortunately there are all those Dutch angles to think about (which I REALLY noticed this time around). Also fortunately there's a new gang to hang out with. That's the biggest plus of all these Marvel movies. Natalie Portman, Chris Hemsworth, and Kat Dennings are a just a great goofy hang to come home to after being out at a showy party with Robert Downy Jr.
Btw did I ever mention that time I sorta met Kat Dennings? May as well say it here. It was at Sundance around the time of the Thor movie I think. I just got in the Yarrow shuttle and I saw her all bundled up at the shuttle stop from the window. Even though she had the coat and hat on I could tell it was her from her Dennings eyes which she was using to stare directly into mine. Like PENETRATING into mine for like a full ten seconds. Her head was angled down slightly and she had a seductive sort of smirk on. It was like full on eye sex. I'm not saying Kat Dennings wanted to have sex with me, but I fully believe when she saw our eyes initially lock, she decided to give me the femme fatale stare specifically because I was helplessly trapped behind a window that was slowly driving away.
59. Fright Night (1985)
Hey remember this is R-rated if you ever do an afternoon watch party with co-workers and your place of employment isn't a strip club. I did not remember.
58. Iron Man 2 (2010)
I think I like this better every time I see it. Marvel movies get the criticism of being all the same, but chances are taken here and the result is a respectable legacy that could have been safer and more xeroxed like most all other action sequels. Obviously lots and lots is the same, but the world refreshingly expands like that final big gasp after being out of breath from the first one. Also, this is really the Black Widow movie. She leaves a mystique-y Boba Fett-y impression.
57. Rio Bravo (1959)
A pretty alright chess match where one player has all queens and the other player's king is holding the other king hostage.
56. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
Hey I just realized they don't even make it to Christmas Day. Also it's nice to have no guests IRL this year.
55. [REC] (2007)
There's a part where a guy berates another guy for not helping with a door and the cameraman films the whole thing.
54. Dune (1984)
Bad, but exhilaratingly bad. Fun bad. The kind of bad you kind of wish you could just call good. Also, I just finished reading the book and I don't think anyone could really complain about inaccuracies from the source material. Especially tone-wise. Like, people make fun of all the voiceovers in this movie, but seriously like half the book is characters' inner monologues. I look forward to the new Chalamet version, but let me temper everyone's expectations. I don't think this story will hold up too capably in the 21st century.
53. Purple Rain (1984)
It's almost like all that incredible music just NEEDS to be offset by all that incredible human-slapping. What better example of the most exhilarating best parts tempered by the ugliest worst parts than the Prince movie called Purple Rain. Oh I love how in the movie Wendy and Lisa write the actual song "Purple Rain" and it brings everybody together in a wonderful spirit of collaboration and everything, but I'm pretty sure IRL Prince totally claimed all the credit.
52. Looper (2012)
Good thing Bruce Willis snuffs the idea of time travel straw diagrams because the rules here couldn't possibly hold up to straws.
51. Death Proof (2007)
Surprisingly lousy at the Bechdel test with stunt women doing a lot of relationship talk between drinks and rides. But Vanessa Ferlito is like totally from another time, right? Where did she come from? Also I love how the movie FEEEEELS so '70s but every once in a while there's like a cell phone or something and it's just there and like, whatever.
50. Iron Man 3 (2013)
Shoot. Better than I remember. That's the annoying thing about rewatching these. I don't have the nitpicks I was expecting. Ultimately with like 20 Marvels it's gonna be really good one by one but boring overall, cuz you know, like 20 with the superpower of consistency. The lava people is the least fun aspect (BUT, again, funner than I remember). There's definitely an over-powering problem with the multiple suit changes and all. Maybe the movie doesn't need that combined with the low-fi middle part of Stark as MacGuyver (which is such refreshment after three other movies of "guy coolly transitioning in and out of a metal suit" fetishization). And hey another thing I just noticed. Guy Pierce in this is just full on smug Brad Pitt isn’t he? Like he copies his mouth tics and everything.
49. The Rock (1996)
"Tell me. Do you have any Elton John records?"
59. Fright Night (1985)
Hey remember this is R-rated if you ever do an afternoon watch party with co-workers and your place of employment isn't a strip club. I did not remember.
58. Iron Man 2 (2010)
I think I like this better every time I see it. Marvel movies get the criticism of being all the same, but chances are taken here and the result is a respectable legacy that could have been safer and more xeroxed like most all other action sequels. Obviously lots and lots is the same, but the world refreshingly expands like that final big gasp after being out of breath from the first one. Also, this is really the Black Widow movie. She leaves a mystique-y Boba Fett-y impression.
57. Rio Bravo (1959)
A pretty alright chess match where one player has all queens and the other player's king is holding the other king hostage.
56. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
Hey I just realized they don't even make it to Christmas Day. Also it's nice to have no guests IRL this year.
55. [REC] (2007)
There's a part where a guy berates another guy for not helping with a door and the cameraman films the whole thing.
54. Dune (1984)
Bad, but exhilaratingly bad. Fun bad. The kind of bad you kind of wish you could just call good. Also, I just finished reading the book and I don't think anyone could really complain about inaccuracies from the source material. Especially tone-wise. Like, people make fun of all the voiceovers in this movie, but seriously like half the book is characters' inner monologues. I look forward to the new Chalamet version, but let me temper everyone's expectations. I don't think this story will hold up too capably in the 21st century.
53. Purple Rain (1984)
It's almost like all that incredible music just NEEDS to be offset by all that incredible human-slapping. What better example of the most exhilarating best parts tempered by the ugliest worst parts than the Prince movie called Purple Rain. Oh I love how in the movie Wendy and Lisa write the actual song "Purple Rain" and it brings everybody together in a wonderful spirit of collaboration and everything, but I'm pretty sure IRL Prince totally claimed all the credit.
52. Looper (2012)
Good thing Bruce Willis snuffs the idea of time travel straw diagrams because the rules here couldn't possibly hold up to straws.
51. Death Proof (2007)
Surprisingly lousy at the Bechdel test with stunt women doing a lot of relationship talk between drinks and rides. But Vanessa Ferlito is like totally from another time, right? Where did she come from? Also I love how the movie FEEEEELS so '70s but every once in a while there's like a cell phone or something and it's just there and like, whatever.
50. Iron Man 3 (2013)
Shoot. Better than I remember. That's the annoying thing about rewatching these. I don't have the nitpicks I was expecting. Ultimately with like 20 Marvels it's gonna be really good one by one but boring overall, cuz you know, like 20 with the superpower of consistency. The lava people is the least fun aspect (BUT, again, funner than I remember). There's definitely an over-powering problem with the multiple suit changes and all. Maybe the movie doesn't need that combined with the low-fi middle part of Stark as MacGuyver (which is such refreshment after three other movies of "guy coolly transitioning in and out of a metal suit" fetishization). And hey another thing I just noticed. Guy Pierce in this is just full on smug Brad Pitt isn’t he? Like he copies his mouth tics and everything.
49. The Rock (1996)
"Tell me. Do you have any Elton John records?"
"I don't like any of that soft-ass shit!"
"Some of Elton's work is really out of this world, like track 5 'Rocket Man' on Honkey Chateau."
"Isn't that 'Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting'?"
"No that's a couple albums later on Goodbye Yellowbrick Road. Go get Honkey Chateau. Then go to track 5. 'Rocket Man'."
"I think Captain Frye has it on CD."
"No it sounds better on vinyl. Get it on vinyl and go to track 5. The song called 'Rocket Man.' That's you."
"I'm Elton John?"
"No you're the person he's singing about. The Rocket Man. You're the Rocket Man. I'm going to shoot you with this rocket sitting in front of you."
"Hey isn't that the song Shatner sang at the 1978 Saturn Awar—AAAAAaaaa I'm in the process of being shot by a rockeeeehhhhht!"
48. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
It looked even cooler this time.
47. Thunderball (1965)
Kinda weird how Largo totally would have gotten away with it if he just didn't "date" the sister of the guy they killed who they then made an imposter of and then killed that guy anyway.
46. Donnie Darko (2001)
Okay this is like my favorite worst movie ever. I love it, but it's brimming with weird know-it-all teen pretension which is the worst kind of pretension and pretension itself is the worst general actual thing. I cannot defend this against any haters but I'm so weirdly drawn into the weirdly non-mattering story before the weirdly dismissing ending. Okay "The Killing Moon," "Head Over Heels," "Notorious," "Under the Milky Way," "Love Will Tear Us Apart," and "Mad World" certainly help. During conversations this year I've realized that while the director's cut explains some details that make Donnie a hero, while the theatrical cut makes him insignificant in the universe. I prefer the latter. It's shorter.
48. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
It looked even cooler this time.
47. Thunderball (1965)
Kinda weird how Largo totally would have gotten away with it if he just didn't "date" the sister of the guy they killed who they then made an imposter of and then killed that guy anyway.
46. Donnie Darko (2001)
Okay this is like my favorite worst movie ever. I love it, but it's brimming with weird know-it-all teen pretension which is the worst kind of pretension and pretension itself is the worst general actual thing. I cannot defend this against any haters but I'm so weirdly drawn into the weirdly non-mattering story before the weirdly dismissing ending. Okay "The Killing Moon," "Head Over Heels," "Notorious," "Under the Milky Way," "Love Will Tear Us Apart," and "Mad World" certainly help. During conversations this year I've realized that while the director's cut explains some details that make Donnie a hero, while the theatrical cut makes him insignificant in the universe. I prefer the latter. It's shorter.
45. GoldenEye (1995)
What's wrong with being sexy?
44. Spies Like Us (1985)
Hey why were the peace talks at the end with their Soviet friends from the launch site? The negotiations are being conducted by the fake spies and Soviet infantry. Must have been a weekend and the usual diplomatic office workers were out. Well, everything else made perfect sense.
43. Total Recall (1990)
So were the aliens just... nice? They knew earthlings would hang out on Mars one day so they planned the whole air thing? Or are aliens just nice in our dreams? The whole thing was probably a dream. When Schwarzenneger dreams, he dreams he's a normal, unextraordinary person.
42. Rocky IV (1985)
In the end the American Rocky communistically brings the people together into a unified society and Soviet Drago capitalistically acts in his own self-interest to be the best he can, so what's the lesson here?
41. The Exorcist III (1990)
Only someone with the gruff power™️ of George C. Scott is capable of repelling a demon invasion of Earth. This movie has the jump scare to scare all jump scares away.
40. The Thin Blue Line (1988)
Okay speaking of Rashomon, I can't believe how different this is from how I remember watching it the first time. This time for me it's a lot less about seeking the death penalty and a lot more about mistaking instinct for fact (and doing it very very very badly).
39. Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Been meaning to learn to type like Jonathan Pryce does here by holding the laptop with one hand and rapidly using the other hand to sweep up and down the keyboard like concert pianist. I love the idea of a media mogul as a James Bond villain. Also, let's bring back Jack Wade into the Bond franchise! Yes he's an ugly American, but he's exhuberantly confident in his ugly Americanness.
38. Heathers (1988)
Aged very well deep into the 21st century where it's practically moved from comedic satire to near documentary. A bit more complicated than one would think. The hero is violently flawed yet strangely relatable (which is almost impossible to get me to feel that way usually). The villain is dressed the part from the beginning, but is still initially perceived as a misunderstood charmer. The adults are aloof, but in a multitude of ways rather than as an attitudinal block. Well done, '80s movie!
37. National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)
Best actor goes to Clark's broken glasses that slowly fall off his face when he has the desert heart-to-heart with Rusty.
36. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
When the whole Avengers thing happened I was more surprised than anyone that the Captain America character became my favorite. At the beginning of this watch I was concerned I may have been mistaken because it wasn't the fun hang Thor had been. Turns out time is still kind and I found myself in MCU snugglecomfort for two reasons. Some visuals seem a bit cheese at first until you realize they're stylizing the thing not as a 2011 film, but rather a 1943 comic book. Then the next thing is something action movies rarely do and it's like the easiest thing. Give the other, practically nameless, soldiers their own moments of badassdom. It's an easy and refreshing way to show our hero not only fights, but inspires. So yeah, by the end it's just such a great hang. As I write this I realize it's probably the hangs alone that compel me to Marvelwatch in the midst of Covid-19.
35. Romancing the Stone (1984)
Zemeckis knows just the right b-movie stuff to polish into a sumptuous gemerald.
34. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
Maybe don't insist on entering the creepy home after knocking for ten minutes.
33. The House of the Devil (2009)
One thing leads to another. Greta Gerwig's finest performance (spoiler: her head explodes).
32. For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Crazy how obviously lo-fi this is after Moonraker. The evil lair is a monastery smaller than the one in Three Amigos!. The villain wears a sensible windbreaker. In several sections they comment about using less henchman power than usual. It's like so far down to earth from the far reaches of space that the oxygen is that much richer. Bond even holds off hitting on Carole Bouquet until the very end. And even then, it's not even sex, but a more innocent skinny dip (BUT it could be read that they've been sexually active the entire movie and the scenes just cut around it). Also so so so close to the best Bond theme song. Like the overture to an extremely entertaining play. Also I'll mention this every time, but it's so great that the villain's priorities are 2) stealing the ATAC device to take control of Royal Navy submarines and 1) sponsoring a young American ice skater in hopes of an Olympic gold medal.
31. A Futile and Stupid Gesture (2018)
"He called himself a cab." Kinda funny that this Doug Kenney biopic references Airplane! as threatening to Doug's brand of comedy when so much of this movie shows him basking in that humor type. Also, a low-key Domhnall Gleeson is still a great Domhnall Gleeson.
30. Iron Man (2008)
Such a great combination to form a shiny alloy of a movie that sorta hindered the Marvelness that followed because they could only attempt the alchemy without being able to add new elements.
29. Trading Places (1983)
Seen this like a dozen times and I've had it explained to me a half dozen, but I still don’t quite know what they do at the end with all that stock and futures stuff.
I wonder if Mozart's ghost is aware that this movie is now more associated with that Figaro overture than the actual Marriage of Figaro. Be cool with it Wolfie, cuz it's one of the rockinest movie openers ever. Also Don Ameche really brings it, like really. I would have worried about how the real me would be perceived, but Ameche is a pro (or maybe actually super rotten in real life so it wasn't that hard).
28. The Black Hole (1979)
[watched on 5/4/20] Life is terrible universally as well as personally and of all the thousands of movies and tv shows out there this is the only one I wanted to watch at this time because it's bloody brilliant and everything else is the worst.
Some stuff:
-they lose their traditional guns at the beginning but trade up for some sweet double guns with barrels above and below the handle
-B.O.B has been waiting through 20 space years of abuse for heroic companions
-those silhouettes running in front of the giant yellow meteor
-the bizarre ship design with a lot of open girder space on the outside of the hull as if it's an under-construction skyscraper
-Perkins surprisingly biting it by blender
-Forster letting his eyebrows provide most of the presence in the room
-allowing V.I.N.C.E.N.T. into the space sick montage through the black hole as if he were one of the other humans
-the swelling John Barry score that sounds like James Bond piloting an out of control submarine
-zombie makeup behind the mirror face mask
-how the crew doesn't do anything but just sit there as if Reinhardt just propped up bodies to make him seem less alone
-the ambiguous ending involving Heaven, Hell, another planet AND so obviously grabbing from 2001
-Borgnine being kind of cool at the beginning, but then turning into a total dick by the end
-"Protect me from Maximilian"
May the Fourth be with you.
27. MacGruber (2010)
Forte must have done a lot of face workouts to get those slo-mo grimaces. Also, this is shot as well as an '80s action movie. It might be my favorite '80s action movie.
26. Gimme Shelter (1970)
Exhibit A indicting humanity as generally evil by nature. Ever see this? It's a document of Woodstock's disturbed little brother. The evil spirit of the '60s.
25. Hot Rod (2007)
I remember when this movie came out on the previous season of SNL Andy Samberg and Bill Hader went on Weekend Update and did impressions together. Hader of course did impeccable impressions and Samberg just did annoying but lovable impressions. I remember thinking Samberg would probably get really popular while Hader would go unnoticed. Then the following summer they were both in this movie and I knew everything would turn out alright and it totally did.
24. The Hunt for Red October (1990)
Hey Ramius I'm glad you're defecting to my country but even I don't think it's a good idea to bring a silent nuclear missile sub to the only nation with a history of unleashing such weapons on another.
23. Strange Brew (1983)
Holds up! Paul freaking Dooley in the courtroom scene just busts me. "Uh, just because I don't know what it is, doesn't mean I'm lying." Two other points: Hosehead's bizarre reverse motion on the roof and Doug's matter-of-fact statement of "no point in steering now" upon realizing the van he's driving has no brakes.
22. Stop Making Sense (1984)
Music and film have always been pretty good friends, but this here is music and film making passionate love.
21. The Princess Bride (1987)
[4.5 stars on Letterboxd] Docked half a star because Inigo trained as a swordsman for 20 years while Westley maybe only had a couple years of swordwork as a ship slave.
20. Metropolis (1927)
Society has its share of harsh growing pains. Same with beautiful metamorph robots. That psycho robot is great spanner in the works for social change.
19. Footloose (1984)
The guy who played Woody would have made a great Superman. Also Kevin Bacon has this sweet running jump kick off a porch that goes into Lori Singer's boyfriend's face and it is glorious.
18. Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
Remind me to stock up on bolt cutters before the apocalypse.
17. Captain America: The Winter Solder (2014)
Okay I was a bit worried going in this time because I remember originally being so pumped by the trailer and I remember possibly still being trailer-pumped back during my initial viewing. It's still good though. It's still SO good. Here's a case where I'm thinking this should have been rated R for ACTION, rather than violence, which isn't even a thing. There are so many instances where the hits are just palpable. Also I forgot this movie is so Black Widow-y. She's practically the co-lead and is just great here. In my mind Iron Man 2 is Black Widow 1 and this movie is Black Widow 2 and it'll be great next year when Black Widow 3 with Florence Pugh finally comes out. The movie made conspiracy theories cool again. Watching it in 2020 makes me a bit worried that too many people take the wrong theories out of it. Alright people. Fight for freedom. And be careful to not define freedom as your own privilege.
16. Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989)
Look it's not about getting away with anything you want, it's about the horror of what you probably want.
15. Raising Arizona (1987)
Nathan Jr.—>Hi Jr.—>Ed Jr.—>Glen Jr.—>Gale Jr.—>Nathan Jr.
14. Casino Royale (2006)
Yeah probably the best Bond film. It gets so many things great and injects such a new energy into the franchise that I almost resent it because every other Bond movie is unfavorably compared. It's great, but there's only one of it. Let Moonraker be great in Moonraker's own way. The bad is that they go with hold 'em poker instead of baccarat. Poker was so huge in the early 2000s and it just slightly bugs that they aim to get the dude-bro poker viewers into this tuxedo and gown soirée of a scene. I hear baccarat is kind of a silly, simple game anyway so maybe it's a cinematically forced decision.
13. The Dark Knight (2008)
You know how modern tv shows like to say "the season is like a 10-hour movie"? Yeah well this movie is like a 3-hour season (and therefore soooooo much better).
12. Trainspotting (1996)
Begbie was gonna steal the whole bag anyway.
11. Top Secret! (1984)
Oh the audacity of combining a '60s spy movie with an Elvis movie! Better than both. The only thing I'd change is maybe the "It's like some bad movie" line.
10. A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
Rewatch. Especially enjoyed the, what was it, middle part again.
9. The Duke of Burgundy (2014)
If only the human toilet could fix every anguish...
8. The Thing (1982)
Hey when the shape-shifting, personality-taking alien is stuck in Antarctica with you, maybe try harder to just kill everyone. It sucks, but that's all you can do to save the world.
7. Back to the Future (1985)
So if he went back to the future in the middle of the movie would his brother have no head in 1985?
6. Casablanca (1942)
Renault keeps my current office hours.
5. Blade Runner (1982)
Totally ripped off Never Let Me Go.
4. Sing Street (2016)
"Yeah Ann!"
3. Airplane! (1980)
"To be honest I've never been so scared, but at least I have a husband."
2. What's Up, Doc? (1972)
Okay she's a crazy person and I shouldn't want to be chased by her, but she brings such joy with her chaos.
27. MacGruber (2010)
Forte must have done a lot of face workouts to get those slo-mo grimaces. Also, this is shot as well as an '80s action movie. It might be my favorite '80s action movie.
26. Gimme Shelter (1970)
Exhibit A indicting humanity as generally evil by nature. Ever see this? It's a document of Woodstock's disturbed little brother. The evil spirit of the '60s.
25. Hot Rod (2007)
I remember when this movie came out on the previous season of SNL Andy Samberg and Bill Hader went on Weekend Update and did impressions together. Hader of course did impeccable impressions and Samberg just did annoying but lovable impressions. I remember thinking Samberg would probably get really popular while Hader would go unnoticed. Then the following summer they were both in this movie and I knew everything would turn out alright and it totally did.
24. The Hunt for Red October (1990)
Hey Ramius I'm glad you're defecting to my country but even I don't think it's a good idea to bring a silent nuclear missile sub to the only nation with a history of unleashing such weapons on another.
23. Strange Brew (1983)
Holds up! Paul freaking Dooley in the courtroom scene just busts me. "Uh, just because I don't know what it is, doesn't mean I'm lying." Two other points: Hosehead's bizarre reverse motion on the roof and Doug's matter-of-fact statement of "no point in steering now" upon realizing the van he's driving has no brakes.
22. Stop Making Sense (1984)
Music and film have always been pretty good friends, but this here is music and film making passionate love.
21. The Princess Bride (1987)
[4.5 stars on Letterboxd] Docked half a star because Inigo trained as a swordsman for 20 years while Westley maybe only had a couple years of swordwork as a ship slave.
20. Metropolis (1927)
Society has its share of harsh growing pains. Same with beautiful metamorph robots. That psycho robot is great spanner in the works for social change.
19. Footloose (1984)
The guy who played Woody would have made a great Superman. Also Kevin Bacon has this sweet running jump kick off a porch that goes into Lori Singer's boyfriend's face and it is glorious.
18. Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
Remind me to stock up on bolt cutters before the apocalypse.
17. Captain America: The Winter Solder (2014)
Okay I was a bit worried going in this time because I remember originally being so pumped by the trailer and I remember possibly still being trailer-pumped back during my initial viewing. It's still good though. It's still SO good. Here's a case where I'm thinking this should have been rated R for ACTION, rather than violence, which isn't even a thing. There are so many instances where the hits are just palpable. Also I forgot this movie is so Black Widow-y. She's practically the co-lead and is just great here. In my mind Iron Man 2 is Black Widow 1 and this movie is Black Widow 2 and it'll be great next year when Black Widow 3 with Florence Pugh finally comes out. The movie made conspiracy theories cool again. Watching it in 2020 makes me a bit worried that too many people take the wrong theories out of it. Alright people. Fight for freedom. And be careful to not define freedom as your own privilege.
16. Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989)
Look it's not about getting away with anything you want, it's about the horror of what you probably want.
15. Raising Arizona (1987)
Nathan Jr.—>Hi Jr.—>Ed Jr.—>Glen Jr.—>Gale Jr.—>Nathan Jr.
14. Casino Royale (2006)
Yeah probably the best Bond film. It gets so many things great and injects such a new energy into the franchise that I almost resent it because every other Bond movie is unfavorably compared. It's great, but there's only one of it. Let Moonraker be great in Moonraker's own way. The bad is that they go with hold 'em poker instead of baccarat. Poker was so huge in the early 2000s and it just slightly bugs that they aim to get the dude-bro poker viewers into this tuxedo and gown soirée of a scene. I hear baccarat is kind of a silly, simple game anyway so maybe it's a cinematically forced decision.
13. The Dark Knight (2008)
You know how modern tv shows like to say "the season is like a 10-hour movie"? Yeah well this movie is like a 3-hour season (and therefore soooooo much better).
12. Trainspotting (1996)
Begbie was gonna steal the whole bag anyway.
11. Top Secret! (1984)
Oh the audacity of combining a '60s spy movie with an Elvis movie! Better than both. The only thing I'd change is maybe the "It's like some bad movie" line.
10. A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
Rewatch. Especially enjoyed the, what was it, middle part again.
9. The Duke of Burgundy (2014)
If only the human toilet could fix every anguish...
8. The Thing (1982)
Hey when the shape-shifting, personality-taking alien is stuck in Antarctica with you, maybe try harder to just kill everyone. It sucks, but that's all you can do to save the world.
7. Back to the Future (1985)
So if he went back to the future in the middle of the movie would his brother have no head in 1985?
6. Casablanca (1942)
Renault keeps my current office hours.
5. Blade Runner (1982)
Totally ripped off Never Let Me Go.
4. Sing Street (2016)
"Yeah Ann!"
3. Airplane! (1980)
"To be honest I've never been so scared, but at least I have a husband."
2. What's Up, Doc? (1972)
Okay she's a crazy person and I shouldn't want to be chased by her, but she brings such joy with her chaos.
Alrighty for your reference here's my long spoilery list of what happens with all the bags:
1. Top secret papers-
Spy Guy hangs out in 1713, but using the adjoining room door, stashes the bag in the closet of 1715 >> The Dukes of Hazzard's Boss Hogg slinks into 1715 and steals the bag (thinking it's full of jewelry), but then panics when someone else is in the hallway so he stashes it under the bed of 1714 (Eunice's room) >> Eunice, now furious at Howard for claiming not to know her at the banquet, mistakes the bag for Howard's rocks and leaves it next to Howard’s room (1716) >> Howard picks up the bag on the way back from the banquet and puts it in the 1716 closet >> Howard takes the bag to the Larrabee luncheon the following day
2. The igneous rocks-
Eunice takes the rocks from Howard when they check in and brings them up to her room in 1714 >> Fritz tells her there's a snake in the room and steals the bag next to the bed (not realizing the jewels he wants are actually hidden under the bed) >> Fritz re-deposits the bag of rocks in Mrs. Van Hoskins' room (1715) so she doesn’t get suspicious about her jewelry >> later, after tripping Mrs. Van Hoskins in the hallway, Boss Hogg "re-steals" from his perspective (even though he was wrong about the bag being full of jewelry both times) the bag from 1715 and ducks away to his personal hiding spot in room 1711 >> the next day, Boss Hogg briefly stashes the bag in a closed dining area before delivering it to the boys on the second floor of 459 Dirella St.
3. Judy's clothes-
After her botched room service scam, and after Howard goes to the banquet downstairs, Judy sets her stuff up in room 1716 (which turns out to be Howard's room) >> her stuff is untouched until she comes back up from the banquet and moves her bag to the bathroom to take a seductive bubble bath before Howard comes back >> when a suspicious Eunice comes by she asks why Howard's rocks are in the bathroom and then moves them to just inside the room door >> with all the commotion of the now burning room, Spy Guy crawls by and opens the room door slightly to snatch this bag (which he believes to be full of government documents)
4. The jewelry-
Mrs. Van Hoskins takes her bag of jewelry up to her room in 1715 >> Golf Clubs Guy sneaks in from the adjoining 1717 (possibly after enjoying roast beef on rye with a coffee sundae and a big bottle of Diet Anything) and steals the jewelry thinking the bag contains the documents >> Golf Clubs holds tightly to the "documents" and even takes them out to the ledge (with the clubs) when he realizes Boss Hogg is about to come into 1717 >> Golf Clubs and Judy both crash into the now burning room 1716, when he finally lets go of the bag >> it's not seen on camera, but it's assumed that Judy nabs the bag on her way out, as she's shown having a bag when she shows up sleeping on the piano the next day (of course it is a bit weird that she managed to change her wardrobe with a bag of jewelry rather than clothes, but hey if anyone could pull it off, it's Barbra) >> later at Mr. Larrabee's house (888 Russian Hill), Howard starts his rock recital by opening his case and it's the jewelry — so apparently he and Judy got their bags mixed up AGAIN on the taxi ride there
So that's it! Of course there's all the stuff that happens at the party along with the big car chase, but that's probably gonna need another watch and review.
1. It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
So this time the thing I noticed is the suddenly downcast look on the face of Sam Wainwright after Marty's suggestion that George dance with Mary. Just a few seconds earlier, Sam was full of swagger hee-hawing all over the place. But once the Mary/George dance is imminent, he immediately realizes he'll never be happy. He may have $25,000 to throw around, but he'll never have the happiness of Mary Hatch.
Total number of movies seen: 239 (beating last year by 80!)
Total number of 2020 movies seen: 42 (68 last year)
Total number of non-2020 movies seen: 197 (only 86 last year)
Year of oldest movie: 1929 (The Cocoanuts (with sort of an asterisk as Metropolis is technically 1927, but I watched the heavily re-soundtracked 1984 version))
Total number of movies seen more than once within 2018: 4 (What's Up Doc?, Trading Places, A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night, The Vast of Night)
Biggest movie-watching month: 30 in December (cramming some Christmas and end-of-year stuff probably)
Smallest movie-watching month: 11 in March (must have been frolicking outside without a mask while I still could)
Biggest movie-watching day: 6-way tie (3 movies each on January 1st, January 27th, April 5th, April 9th, November 8th, November 29th)
Most time between movies: January 3rd to January 16th
Movies seen at the cinema (excluding Sundance showings): 6 (41 last year)
Most popular theater: The District (2)
Movies seen on Netflix: 24
2020 movies streamed rather than cinema'd: 26
Movies seen on DVD/Blu-ray: 29
Movies seen at Sundance: 14
Movies seen at the annual 24-hour movie marathon: 0
Movies seen on an airplane: 0
Movies seen as part of a special screening/special event: 0
Amazon Prime: 27
Amazon rental: 20
Amazon purchase: 11
Hulu: 18
YouTube: 4
Shudder: 25
HBO: 15
Average Metacritic score (with slight number-fudging because of Metacritic limitations): 65.67
Movie I liked more than critics by the largest margin: Spies Like Us (80.9 rating vs. 22.0 rating)
Movie I disliked more than critics by the largest margin: A tie! Meet Me in St. Louis (38.5 vs. 94.0), Breathless (41.5 vs. 97.0)
Movie with most agreement with the critics: A tie! Rhinestone (36.0 vs. 36.0), Three Identical Strangers (81.0 vs. 81.0)
1. It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
So this time the thing I noticed is the suddenly downcast look on the face of Sam Wainwright after Marty's suggestion that George dance with Mary. Just a few seconds earlier, Sam was full of swagger hee-hawing all over the place. But once the Mary/George dance is imminent, he immediately realizes he'll never be happy. He may have $25,000 to throw around, but he'll never have the happiness of Mary Hatch.
Silly Facts and Stats Only I Care About!
Total number of 2020 movies seen: 42 (68 last year)
Total number of non-2020 movies seen: 197 (only 86 last year)
Year of oldest movie: 1929 (The Cocoanuts (with sort of an asterisk as Metropolis is technically 1927, but I watched the heavily re-soundtracked 1984 version))
Total number of movies seen more than once within 2018: 4 (What's Up Doc?, Trading Places, A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night, The Vast of Night)
Biggest movie-watching month: 30 in December (cramming some Christmas and end-of-year stuff probably)
Smallest movie-watching month: 11 in March (must have been frolicking outside without a mask while I still could)
Biggest movie-watching day: 6-way tie (3 movies each on January 1st, January 27th, April 5th, April 9th, November 8th, November 29th)
Most time between movies: January 3rd to January 16th
Movies seen at the cinema (excluding Sundance showings): 6 (41 last year)
Most popular theater: The District (2)
Movies seen on Netflix: 24
2020 movies streamed rather than cinema'd: 26
Movies seen on DVD/Blu-ray: 29
Movies seen at Sundance: 14
Movies seen at the annual 24-hour movie marathon: 0
Movies seen on an airplane: 0
Movies seen as part of a special screening/special event: 0
Amazon Prime: 27
Amazon rental: 20
Amazon purchase: 11
Hulu: 18
YouTube: 4
Shudder: 25
HBO: 15
Average Metacritic score (with slight number-fudging because of Metacritic limitations): 65.67
Movie I liked more than critics by the largest margin: Spies Like Us (80.9 rating vs. 22.0 rating)
Movie I disliked more than critics by the largest margin: A tie! Meet Me in St. Louis (38.5 vs. 94.0), Breathless (41.5 vs. 97.0)
Movie with most agreement with the critics: A tie! Rhinestone (36.0 vs. 36.0), Three Identical Strangers (81.0 vs. 81.0)
If you're reading this sentence, I'm sorry!
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