app that’s nothing like the browser-
It’s weird how the biggest page differences on the entire internet are the desktop site and its supposed corresponding mobile site. They exist on opposite coasts. And it’s weird how this isn’t just one website. It’s most. It hasn’t come to this, but if I were to call customer service to ask how to get the desktop properties on mobile, I would only have a 50% chance that they’re even aware the other application exists. How could they? It’s a different company. Okay fine, this is especially directed at Paylocity, which is a problem in itself because mobile only provides 35% of needed features, while desktop only provides 45%.
two hands to lock door-
Could this be the age-oldest problem I’ve ever mentioned? I can’t leave the house with a single item unless I can wear it. Doors just don’t want to stay closed enough for the lock to work. We need to hurt the doors by pulling them hard enough. Why don’t you want to be dead-bolted you doors? Is it somehow confining? Do you need to swing open to the inside? Are you jealous of our warmth and food? Look doors, you have a job to do. You gotta keep the crazies and the birds out. We pay you well for your service. Stop clinching your big old door butts.
car brights shining signs-
Here’s an oldie but a onethatwontgoawayie. You guys, stop with the industrial strength white lasers you see fit to stick into the headlight slots on your cars. My eyes hurt from the reflection of the signs in front of me illuminated by your beams from a mile behind me. I can’t see the beams from my own lights. This is a problem. This is light pollution.
my car lights don’t really work-
Okay also my car lights are intensely dim and it wasn’t my choice. The outer shells are really foggy and I gotta somehow get in there and clean that up. Trouble is, I don’t have an actual car, it’s a Scion xD, which is actually just a Matchbox Car that’s been enlarged by Hank Pym. So the sophisticated details to get into my light fixture aren’t really there because it's just sheaths of plastic and glue under the hood. Also one of my lights burned out, so I’m essentially a motorcycle on the road, which is fine because my car is thinner than many motorcycles.
all the lights (the other kind)-
As I was writing this list, all the danger danger lights popped up on my car’s dashboard. Whose bright idea was it to have a 93% plastic car street legal?! Looks like I gotta get one of the Burt Brothers to have a looksie (also they gotta fix that headlight because the Davis County cops said I wasn’t allowed to hang out on their streets until the headlight is fixed (and the taillight)).
driving in general-
I’m very blessed to spend 10% of every day driving again.
dominant species displacement-
Once upon a time, we as human beings overcame our Neanderthal neighbors and became the dominant life form on this planet. I’ve often wondered if the Greeks’ version of the gods overcoming the titans is some kind of unconscious cultural callback to this sort of victory. Their story also contains a side implication that humans have more potential than the gods that brought them about. Well we don’t have that potential. AI took over our society just like the Cro-Magnons took over the Neanderthals. Except this time it wasn’t hostile; we just decided to give AI everything that makes us human because we can’t be bothered with it anymore.
hate to say I told you so-
“Hate to say I told you so” might be the most universally recognized phrase that is definitely sarcastic 100% of the time. Maybe except for me. Look, I do this list once a year and it’s fun and everything, but I just realized I really hate to say I told you so. There’s actually a pretty great Depeche Mode song called “Told You So” that’s super early and has their boink boink electronica dated sound, but it’s actually a really good early song. I like that song, so in a sense I like to sing “told you so” but I hate saying it. I’ve been wrong too many times that I relate too much to the wrong. Well, I guess that’s real fortunate that I’m rarely in the position to tell you so. Maybe like once a year.
tall Mercedes-
Why are Mercedes vans so tall? Do they drive them standing up? Who is driving all these unmarked Mercedes vans? I can’t see the traffic lights because of these vans. What are they? Am I the only one who sees these vans? Tell me you see these vans.
Gillian-
Look you probably don’t like each other, but all you Gillians that start with the hard G sound and all you Gillians that start with a J sound, get together and decide on one. There’s no way for the rest of us to know. If you still want to be separated, you gotta wear one of those pronoun pins: She/Her/G with a J sound.
long sleeves in the sink-
All sinks are too low. Sleeves slide down and get wet when I wash my hands and then they don’t dry for 72 hours for some reason. Wet wrists are more annoying than wet hands. They don’t dry in the breeze and they’re constantly being re-wet by the constant wetness of hardy sleeves that will not stop their wetness once wetted.
tweed-
I look good in tweed but it makes my head hot. Beyond the comforting heat required during winter. Head hot like sweat hot.
seat warmers-
I hate accidentally flipping the car seat warmer. My body seat is the only part of me never cold. I don’t need winter swass. Yes it’s a refreshing memory of warmer days, but the only good thing about winter is no swass. I hate accidental swass.
Italians-
I hope I’m far enough from the country to say this, but the Italians I’ve dealt with are really old and they walk slow. But somehow despite their slow walking, they have this insane ability to cut me off and make me walk slow behind them. It’s possible I walked into a floating convention of Italio-slow-walking-cut-officers over the summer. It was like a thousand of them. Perhaps mainlanders don’t cut me off so much with their slow walking.
Covidshion sense-
Well I’ve complained about Covid lots before, but this year I really mean it because I really got it. The stranger is now my friend. Possibly my annual friend now that it found the pores in my cells. It sucked, but I can say it didn’t suck nearly as bad as it sucked for just about everyone else who got it. I guess I’m complaining because it was really mild for me (possibly an Italian variant) and therefore didn’t build a lot of character in me. There have been some consequences. My sense of taste is still intact, but my fashion sense is now abhorrent.
all people everywhere-
Speaking of Covid, remember how lonely we all were in the lockdown? Well not me actually. I may have gone crazy and flabby, but I was never lonely. I just realized that. Wondering now if that makes me the most introverted person ever? I’m only lonely around other people. I don’t know if that’s a mental illness, but if it takes seeing someone else to cure it, I’ll never cure it.
wrong side of the road and penalties-
Did you know in Scotland they drive on the wrong side of the road? Also, most of the cars are standard transmission which standard transmission enthusiasts claim is a “fun” way to drive (in the same way that reading a book is funner standing on your head). Also, if you spend two weeks in Scotland, you’re gonna need to rent a bulky van rather than a car. Also the roads are way skinny. All of these things together results in a miracle of non-fatality (but with one teensy tiny mark on the van resulting in a fine that’s more like a generous contribution to the UK’s struggling post-Brexit economy).
Xfinity wi-fi-
Xfinity used to save my data minutes with their Xfinity hotspots, but now the hotspots are somehow complete internet blockers for some reason? Hey Xfinity, maybe provide us with 2024 internet in your hotspots next year rather than bricking our phones.
Jingle Bells-
There is a very weird amount of songs with the subject matter of bells on sleighs that make a jingling sound. Next year let’s cut loose some of the non-applicable Christmas imagery. We can afford it. There are soooo many other songs. I actually think it’s possible there are more Christmas songs than rest-of-the-year songs. Whatever Christmas needs I guess. The economy depends on it. Still, I’ll be sad when it’s over. I’ll grieve for it in a mere 48 hours.
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