standy 3

So... apologies. I know these may just be getting grosser and grosser. At least it's very very short this time. I also feel compelled to apologize because I forgot a couple of good jokes in the middle and also a very crucial set up that made the final joke much funnier (but also grosser). I said this on Twitter and Facebook already, but the keywords are garbage disposal, jellyfish, asparagus and then garbage disposal again. Here's a fun game! See if you can figure out what the jokes would have been based on the keywords I just gave! Okay fine, if you're that curious about the jokes, just come up and ask me.

the stand-up strikes back

So the stand-up went really really well I think. And thanks for everybody who came to check it out (all THREE of you). I'm not sure how I was able to pack the house last time. Hmm. Maybe I was so unfunny last time that nobody wanted to come back. Oh well. This time It may have been better because it was far shorter and tighter. Here it is. It's kind of hard to hear it, so I printed a rough transcript of it below the embed. probably the best way to view it is to play the video in an outside window and then glance at the blog if you miss something.



Woo! Yeah! Halloween is here! Halloween is here! It's my favorite season. Anybody like Halloween? Anybody like scary stories? It's my very favorite. I love love really really scary stories.

The most scary story in my opinion is the guy in the back seat of the car with the axe. Anybody ever been freaked out by that story? It's the scariest because you don't... it's it's like a suspenseful thing. You don't know how long he's been back there. Like for me and my car, I'll be like driving around. I'll be like (singing) "keep on pushin' my love over the border line! border line!" And then I hear this (stifled laughter). (pause) How long have you... been... back there? "For the past 11 songs ha ha!" But I thought I was alone! Oh no! You're not supposed to hear me singing in the car! And then he's like "Why do you only sing to the girl songs?" The girl songs make me feel prettyyy! Please stop laughing at me and please don't kill meeee!!! Hey! Salt n' Pepa! You wanna do a duet? "Yeah!" Kill me later. Kill me later.

So I recently started a new job -- and lost it -- but for the purposes of the next few jokes let's just say I'm still at the job. But like my favorite part of the new job is the orientation, you know. It's kind of like a free day. And y'know it doesn't really serve any purpose as far as I know it's just to help me integrate more with like some of the like Koreans and Japanese and Chinese and other Asians. That's what orientation's for, I dunno. So like, the best part of the orientation is all those sexual harassment videos that they show. Those are just like gold. I'm like taking so many notes. I'm like oh yeah. This is brilliant. This is perfect. This is great. But you know the human resources guy -- he sets me straight, he's like "No. No. You're not supposed to be taking notes during the sexual harassment videos. They're not to help you pick up girls.... If you have too much sexual harassment at work then that's grounds for termination." And I've been out of the workforce for so long that I don't even know the vernacular. I'm like termination? I'm thinkin' like The Terminator and like a terminal disease and then a crappy Tom Hanks movie. It's like really really foreboding stuff. But like what's termination again? What does that entail? He's like "Sir, when there is a termination that means some of your actions are so severe that you know there will be a firing--" A FIRING SQUAD?! What? All I did was pat your butt! I don't think it's really necessary for that I mean c'mon! Give me a break.

But human resources is great. I'm so happy that we have human resources to go to at our various jobs. I feel sorry for all the robots and chimps that I work with. They don't really have that aspect to go to. Which is why when I continue my sexual harassment at work, usually I exclu --

Um, actually sorry, are there any robots in here? Good, 'cuz I'm about to get really really racist right now.

I like to exclusively harass some of the robots at work because I'm like Hey! Hey Bolty! Drop another 50 pounds and you'll really be in my thoughts. What do you say we go to the maintenance closet anyway you dirty...

And then they're like "No. Please. Stop. Hostile. Work. Environment. Please. Stop."

I'm like who are you going to go to? Human Resources? You don't have a robot resources. There's no robot resources! What are you gonna do? Sorry. Hey chimp. Nice tail. Nice. Love it. Love it.

(I think right there I meant to say "Hey work monkey. Nice tail.")

It's great to be human. It's really good to be human. I love these times.

So um, dating's cool. It's not cool. I like dating and I love it when girls say -- this is like a common thing -- girls will always say this, like "Look, look, don't try to like sugar coat yourself or try too hard. Just be yourself! Be yourself!" Ladies, I think you should lay off the whole -- well not you know -- just take it easy, you know. Take it back because a lot of you don't know that like if we were to be ourselves like deep down, inside -- we're really horrible people. You should probably say "Hey, you know what? Um, pretend to be a good guy." The world would be a better place. Like when Eva Braun first started dating Hitler, she probably said, "You know what? Be yourself! Loosen up Adolf!" And he's like "What I really want to do is kill 6 million Jews." And she's like "Well okay! Wait. What? Okay well, just buy me stuff then." If she was a better person maybe she could have cut him down to like 3 million, I dunno.

the dumbest thing i've ever done (again)

I'm once again planning on doing open-mic stand-up -- TONIGHT. Please come and try to laugh.

Once again it's at Wiseguys at Trolley Square at 8:00 PM I believe. No idea when I'd actually go on. What they usually do is get everybody who signs up and then randomly draw the order. It's five bucks to get in, BUT it's free if you perform. You should do it too!

I think I'll talk about scary stories, workplace HR and Hitler. No doubt they'll only give me three minutes this time. Last time I took ten minutes but it was okay because I was last and I didn't actually realize that they were trying to wave me off the stage for seven minutes.

I'm hoping to get into a habit of doing this -- or at least doing it enough that I can do it without going into convulsive shakes before I go on (which is what happened last time).

it's scary movie time!

Alright! Yes we're doing this. Yes.

This year, the scary movie is a period piece from 1991. There will be blood. There will be special effects. There will be romance.

The plan is to start shooting SATURDAY (you know, 9/11). Hopefully we'll get the hard stuff first. We're not FULLY casted, but we will be soon. If you're into helping please join the facebook group and/or tell me/text me. Helping doesn't necessarily mean acting, but it does mean you're awesome.

JOIN THIS GROUP!

further geek cred

Okay, so it may be an understatement to say that I'm really into podcasting. Just don't sigh when I tell you this.

I recently joined another podcast and it's a hoot (that's right, I joined it instead of started it (although I did help start it)). Anyway, it's called Geeking Off.

It was actually Zo's idea. If you know Zo, you know what a fiend he is (and that the likelihood of us earning an explicit tag on iTunes is pretty high). Also Chad and Scott are in on it too. We talk a lot of comic books (Zo and Chad's interest especially) and whatever movie we saw last (the works of Bigelow and Lynch lately). The floodgates are open though, and we may talk about all sorts of stuff. In the future we'll be covering the whole genre of sci-fi as well as tackling the AFI top 100 movie list plus the works of Thomas Jane.

We have an awesome time. If listening to it is half as fun as recording it (which it most certainly is), then it's a rollicking way to hear something while at work or driving. Rollicking. Give a listen.

Go to the site here.

Subscribe in iTunes here.