Thursday, September 16, 2010

the stand-up strikes back

So the stand-up went really really well I think. And thanks for everybody who came to check it out (all THREE of you). I'm not sure how I was able to pack the house last time. Hmm. Maybe I was so unfunny last time that nobody wanted to come back. Oh well. This time It may have been better because it was far shorter and tighter. Here it is. It's kind of hard to hear it, so I printed a rough transcript of it below the embed. probably the best way to view it is to play the video in an outside window and then glance at the blog if you miss something.

Woo! Yeah! Halloween is here! Halloween is here! It's my favorite season. Anybody like Halloween? Anybody like scary stories? It's my very favorite. I love love really really scary stories.

The most scary story in my opinion is the guy in the back seat of the car with the axe. Anybody ever been freaked out by that story? It's the scariest because you don't... it's it's like a suspenseful thing. You don't know how long he's been back there. Like for me and my car, I'll be like driving around. I'll be like (singing) "keep on pushin' my love over the border line! border line!" And then I hear this (stifled laughter). (pause) How long have you... been... back there? "For the past 11 songs ha ha!" But I thought I was alone! Oh no! You're not supposed to hear me singing in the car! And then he's like "Why do you only sing to the girl songs?" The girl songs make me feel prettyyy! Please stop laughing at me and please don't kill meeee!!! Hey! Salt n' Pepa! You wanna do a duet? "Yeah!" Kill me later. Kill me later.

So I recently started a new job -- and lost it -- but for the purposes of the next few jokes let's just say I'm still at the job. But like my favorite part of the new job is the orientation, you know. It's kind of like a free day. And y'know it doesn't really serve any purpose as far as I know it's just to help me integrate more with like some of the like Koreans and Japanese and Chinese and other Asians. That's what orientation's for, I dunno. So like, the best part of the orientation is all those sexual harassment videos that they show. Those are just like gold. I'm like taking so many notes. I'm like oh yeah. This is brilliant. This is perfect. This is great. But you know the human resources guy -- he sets me straight, he's like "No. No. You're not supposed to be taking notes during the sexual harassment videos. They're not to help you pick up girls.... If you have too much sexual harassment at work then that's grounds for termination." And I've been out of the workforce for so long that I don't even know the vernacular. I'm like termination? I'm thinkin' like The Terminator and like a terminal disease and then a crappy Tom Hanks movie. It's like really really foreboding stuff. But like what's termination again? What does that entail? He's like "Sir, when there is a termination that means some of your actions are so severe that you know there will be a firing--" A FIRING SQUAD?! What? All I did was pat your butt! I don't think it's really necessary for that I mean c'mon! Give me a break.

But human resources is great. I'm so happy that we have human resources to go to at our various jobs. I feel sorry for all the robots and chimps that I work with. They don't really have that aspect to go to. Which is why when I continue my sexual harassment at work, usually I exclu --

Um, actually sorry, are there any robots in here? Good, 'cuz I'm about to get really really racist right now.

I like to exclusively harass some of the robots at work because I'm like Hey! Hey Bolty! Drop another 50 pounds and you'll really be in my thoughts. What do you say we go to the maintenance closet anyway you dirty...

And then they're like "No. Please. Stop. Hostile. Work. Environment. Please. Stop."

I'm like who are you going to go to? Human Resources? You don't have a robot resources. There's no robot resources! What are you gonna do? Sorry. Hey chimp. Nice tail. Nice. Love it. Love it.

(I think right there I meant to say "Hey work monkey. Nice tail.")

It's great to be human. It's really good to be human. I love these times.

So um, dating's cool. It's not cool. I like dating and I love it when girls say -- this is like a common thing -- girls will always say this, like "Look, look, don't try to like sugar coat yourself or try too hard. Just be yourself! Be yourself!" Ladies, I think you should lay off the whole -- well not you know -- just take it easy, you know. Take it back because a lot of you don't know that like if we were to be ourselves like deep down, inside -- we're really horrible people. You should probably say "Hey, you know what? Um, pretend to be a good guy." The world would be a better place. Like when Eva Braun first started dating Hitler, she probably said, "You know what? Be yourself! Loosen up Adolf!" And he's like "What I really want to do is kill 6 million Jews." And she's like "Well okay! Wait. What? Okay well, just buy me stuff then." If she was a better person maybe she could have cut him down to like 3 million, I dunno.


Blogger (M)ary said...

There is some good stuff there. I had to read it because I have trouble getting videos to work on my cell phone.

Do you write this down or do you go by the seat of your pants?

If you write it down, do you write down the pauses? I think the most successful comedy comes from the timing.

September 22, 2010 5:15 PM  
Blogger joN. said...

i pretty much wrote the whole thing out. of course it's not completely verbatim to what i wrote, but i've discovered that i'm certainly more of a writing it all out rather than just outlining kind of guy. i don't write the pauses, but i certainly internalize them when i go through it in my head.

September 22, 2010 10:35 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home