Friday, January 13, 2012

2011 a quarter of a picture at a time

Much of my record keeping this last year has been in Twitter entries. I'm reproducing the most life-changing Tweets here as my final (extremely accurate) summation of 2011. I guess I talk about movies a lot huh?

21 January:
About to watch Bellflower -- the riskiest sounding film today (future tweet: Bellflower is the dumbest movie I've ever seen).

1 February
Made it through Winter's Bone! Fascinating science fiction. Takes place on a planet called "Ozarks."

2 February
Aaaaand just finished The Kids Are All Right. Huh. Lesbianism is far boringer than I have been led to believe.

6 February
I'm totally loving being in the middle of this righteous five-day weekend! Well, except that I have to work for two of the five days.

10 February
This just in! Jerry Sloan to become the new president of Egypt!

16 February
Really? Watson didn't pick Skynet as its charity?

27 February
Babies aren't made through sexual intercourse. Made up 8000 years ago cuz propagating human race seemed like a good excuse to fool around.

27 February
Man, Billy Crystal's gone downhill since Miracle Max.

1 March
Never been drunk, but whenever I eat Carolina BBQ chips I wake up with a massive hangover.

6 March
You know how people say "everything happens for a reason?" The Adjustment Bureau teaches the horror of that statement.

8 March
Think I'm giving up R movies for Lent, which might be rough because I only have 129 PG movies in my instant queue and 152 in my DVD queue.

9 March
Other things I'm considering Lenting: red meat, washing hands after using the toilet, words with the letter K, hookers.

22 March
So Mickey Rourke is gonna play Gadhafi in the movie, right? RIGHT?!

23 March
Big announcement! The limitations of twitter don't do it justice. Please check my blog:

3 April
Whoops! Left the car windows down during the blizzard! Ha ha! That is so me (I hate everything and everyone)!

7 April
Got Thursday off. The Pringles and clam dip coma begins... NOW!

17 April
Watching a recorded Kimmel show from earlier. Seriously, there were THIRTY-SIX commercials between Tom Arnold and .

17 April
Sorry, but I have to say it again. One TV show. 36 advertisements right in a row. I still have it recorded. Come over and watch. Fascinating

20 April
I'm working on my fore-handed insults. Example: "Your ignorance barely disguises how much prettier you are than me."

23 April
Wow. Nothing says pathetic and out of shape more than a softball victory through forfeit and then actually being sore from it the next day.

24 April
2011 has been my very favorite Easter. In fact I'm gonna call it "Eastest."

1 May
I need to reiterate. ALL the Fast and the Furious movies suck (except the first one, the third one, the fourth one and the fifth one).

6 May
That scene where Thor walks into the room without his shirt on will prevent all girls from wanting to score with me this year.

6 May
I mean that had to be CGI right? Related: I'm now a little gayer.

6 May
Flippin. They should have called it: "Thor: God of Thunder from Down Under."

7 May
It was mildly warm today. Big welcome to the first swass of the season! Let's enjoy it until October!

27 May
The Hangover Part II was pretty much like any other Netflix streaming horror movie of the week, but my theater had a laugh track.

4 June
Hottest babes in First Class in order: that Kravitz chick, January Jones, Michael Fassbender.

7 June
Our city garbage can emanates rank odor. I want to throw it away, but the city never takes it when I set it by the curb.

14 June
Last night I wrote 12 pages in my journal! Angst-ridden junior high moping is back bitches!

21 June
I look better than I feel. And I feel badass.

22 June
How was your Solstice? I celebrated by totally beating a girl at tennis.

22 June
Just had an awesome, refreshing sneeze. It's the best thing that's happened to me today and, I guess, all summer.

28 June
I'm feeling fat today. I really mean that. I'm literally feeling myself up right now.

28 June
Okay, I just saw how gross that last one looks. Sorry. I'm just saying my hand got stuck in one of my ab chins. That's it.

28 June
It's just that I'm in a quiet room right now and when I move slightly I can actually hear sections of my body sloshing around.

1 July
Sometimes I'm proud of just how gassy I can be.

4 July
Ugh. I've got the biggest Romulan ale hangover right now (Earthicans might call it a Mountain Dew Voltage hangover).

6 July
Why do I always feel so damn unsexy on Wednesdays? Is it because new comic books come out on Wednesdays?

8 July
So, checking this out and I guess the biggest difference between Google+ and Facebook is that chicks aren't allowed on Google+.

11 July
New discovery! Dipping Tim's salt and vinegar chips in Cafe Rio dressing! Amazing! Other news: I've just gone blind.

14 July
My iPad just told me it's too hot and needs to go inside. I guess I'm ready for children now.

21 July
Heading to midnight show of Captain America in a couple of hours. Will also be ironically wearing my Nazi uniform.

8 August
Finally have the six-pack I've always wanted! I just have to bend my stomach so I have six ab-flab chins!

10 August
This tweet is a cry for help. I've been extremely depressed lately and also one of my arms is caught in a bear trap.

17 August
Soooo hungry! But I have to save my money to purchase a unicycle tomorrow.

26 August
Village Inn has this thing where you pick four breakfast items for seven bucks. Thanks vi! You prevented my suicide today!

26 August
Also, Village Inn changed its name to vi. Do you pronounce that "vih" or "six"?

8 October
Is it just me or does Febreze just "moisten" the odor?

21 October
Off blondes again. Adding them to the list (which includes brunettes, redheads and "other").

22 October
I know I've said this before, but shouldn't "School's Out" by Alice Cooper be the absolute LAST song played at a college football game?

1 November
Cold now, so I purchased a vintage green army style jacket. Walked past a mirror and discovered to my horror that I've become Taxi Driver.

1 November
Just re-entered the 21st century as a woman by watching the first episode of Gilmore Girls.

6 November
I'm wearing my sexy favorite jeans right now. I feel like Robert Plant. I've never felt more masculine (or feminine).

18 November
Watching Burn Notice for the first time. Unique. I'd call its genre something like "noir jour."

18 November
The subtle humor of my last tweet depends on your knowledge of Burn Notice, international film history and the French language.

20 November
People who know me know my biggest fear is flash mobs. Now there's a Fox TV show devoted to the subject. The universe is conspiring...

5 December
I just experienced the first-time wonder of my inner 13-year-old girl. I was shaking a sealed container and my boobs started bouncing.

6 December
Am watching Gilmore Girls. DAMMIT!!! Why did I just announce that to the world... again?!

24 December
Watched the new Dragon Tattoo flick. Totally lost from the very start. NO ONE in the whole film explained why everyone was speaking English.

26 December
Finally saw the new "colorized" version of Footloose (by that I mean it's shot for shot same as original, but they added some black actors).

29 December
Will 2011 just END already?!?!

31 December
Reflections from this last year: disappointment, loneliness. Things to look forward to next year: disappointment, loneliness, apocalypse.

3 Comments:

Blogger Rhett said...

I laughed. I cried. At you not with you.

January 14, 2012 4:11 PM  
Blogger joN. said...

you cried at me?

January 15, 2012 1:49 AM  
Blogger Michal Sarah said...

You are the funniest person I have ever blog-stalked. Also your tweets are now coming to my phone SMS style.

January 23, 2012 2:13 PM  

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