Thursday, May 03, 2012

the avengers will suck

I know I never write anymore.

But I have to say this and I think you know why.

The Avengers movie will suck.

SOMEBODY has to say it. We can't go to this movie with nothing but good omens. The only place to go would be down.

There are only a few hours left until we all see it, so let's do a little brainstorming shall we?

1. We can't accept another Hulk into our lives. Bill Bixby, Lou Ferrigno, Eric Bana, Edward Norton, Mark Ruffalo. Hulks are like drummers for Spinal Tap. We stopped taking them seriously after the third one. Of course the other side of the coin is that it makes no difference who plays Hulk since it's really the one character made cartoon by necessity. Allow me to rant against CG: [same old complaint since 1998 -- CG characters don't have life or weight]. Anyway, summation: too many living actors and too much lifeless technology.

2. No Vision and the Scarlet Witch*. Maybe it's just me, but I've always felt that the literal marriage between technology and the occult is the most beautiful kind of romance on Earth. You took that from me Whedon!

3. Redundancies. The Hulk's power is that he's super strong. Captain America's power is that he's super strong (and can jump fences (and can hide behind shields)). Thor's power is that he has a hammer that makes him super strong.

4. Loki. Apparently they decided on the boringest, wettest villain of all the pre-Avenger movies to be the feature in the big one.

5. No time for love. Sure, there will be lots of action and butt-kicking and explosions, but with six main characters (and only the least-important one female), we're not gonna get any semblance of a well-formed romantic sub-plot that my boyfriends and I love to see in movies like this.

6. Helicopter Thor. They may have Thor swing his hammer around like a helicopter again and that looks stupid.

7. Hulk-a-go-crazy. It's gonna be awesome to see Hulk go nuts on the bad guys, but I have a feeling that the random rage that powers him will be conveniently controlled in the team setting without an adequate explanation. I've never understood how someone like Hulk could consciously be on a team. Maybe that's me. You got a lotta 'splainin to do Whedon! BUT DON'T DO SO MUCH 'SPLAININ THAT IT CUTS INTO THE BUTT-KICKING AND/OR LOVE!

8. Cobie Smulders. Apparently she's in it. How can we enjoy The Avengers without thinking about how awesome and hilarious the first three seasons of How I Met Your Mother were?

9. Popular kids. When you read all those Marvel comic books in the past, didn't you think that The Avengers were actually the sort of pretty-boy rich team? They didn't have the edge of The X-Men. They're just a little too polished and noble. Don't you want to tear that down a little? I'm not crazy. I just don't like things to be too good. Super good people make me uncomfortable. That's not weird.

10. If there are vampires in this movie, they probably inexplicably know kung-fu. Remember on Buffy when she'd fight vampires with martial arts? Sure it makes sense that Buffy knows martial arts, but why would the vampires? When you die, do you learn martial arts in the blink of an eye? It doesn't make sense. Anyway, Joss Whedon made Buffy the Vampire Slayer as well as the upcoming Avengers.

I know many of you know someone who saw an advance screening and that person has said it's the best movie ever made. Please know that everyone who went to an advance screening was BOUGHT. How can Paramount afford to pay off every single person who saw an advance screening? Because they're making an investment in HYPE. They need to maintain the hype machine on the movie through the weekend so that the buzz carries the picture to a $500 million weekend gross.

Don't trust advance screeners!

I'll see you at 12:15 on row F!

*In case you're wondering (and I KNOW you haven't read down this far), Vision is a hyper-advanced robot who was once with the Avengers. Another Avenger, the Scarlet Witch is the daughter of Magneto (from the X-Men franchise) and has the ability to change probability. They actually in sort of an unholy alliance (yet romantic!) way fell in love and got married.

3 Comments:

Blogger Curtis said...

It's going to be AWESOME!!!!

May 03, 2012 8:46 AM  
Blogger Johnny 5 said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

May 04, 2012 1:16 PM  
Blogger Johnny 5 said...

Jon, you simply need to lower your expectations. I did and saw it in spanish so I wasn't annoyed as much with the trite dialogue. It filled my need to see fighting and stuff blow up. The best part was the Batman preview. I am sure Batman will be much more to your and my liking. I am glad they let the story arc stop at three movies, gives a sense of closure. Yet I am sure we will see the rebirth of the franchise in our lifetime, it makes too much money for someone to not come out with another Batman script. I would appreciate a nod to Adam West in the next installment. By the way, I do miss the blog, it provides a good distraction and I have no smartphone or a need to add twitter to my life.

May 04, 2012 1:20 PM  

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