Saturday, December 23, 2017

Airing of Grievances 2017

It's Festivus. I reveal now this year's Airing of Grievances. By this year, I mean things that have bugged me pretty bad in the last 24 hours.

Gum in the urinal (seeds too)-
What kind of dumb animal are you? Going to the bathroom is an annoying enough part of life, but can I at least pee on something uncluttered? I don't want some kind of archeological mark from the previous standing inhabitants. And you know, right, that somebody is gonna need to use their hands to get that gum out? Is that why you spit them there? Proving your power by making someone else clean up after you in the uriniest place in the building? Gum is bad enough, but sunflower seeds? Why are you even indoors chewing on sunflower seeds? You gotta spit by definition. Don't choose to spit indoors.

Overtaxed mouths-
When we invented ourselves why on earth did we assign one orifice to breathing, talking, spitting, kissing, drinking, AND eating? Also, when we decide to get together to talk socially (and romantically), why does it tend to be around food? We sit down to eat AND talk. Several different things are going in and out of our mouths at the same time. If I wanna hear your pretty words, I also get your ugly food. We need AT LEAST one more mouth with some assigned tasks. I propose at least three mouths total. One for eating and one for talking. There's one more in reserve just in case the nose is out of commission for breathing. This way we'll finally be able to talk AND kiss AND eat all at the same time!

I see no need for semicolons; they're just useless. Well, I guess we need technically need them for lists within lists, but otherwise their only use is for the writer to point out a working knowledge of them. You get more punch with a period. Full stop.

Breaking into groups-
If you're running a lesson or a training or a presentation, don't send us off into groups. I don't wanna choose between the loser on my right or the weirdo on my left to solve this world problem. Also, it's not a world problem. You're just trying to take up time. Do your job and stall for the duration of the presentation. That's on you, not us.

Trucks that park up on the curb-
Like seeds in the urinal, this must be some kind of territorial thing. Perhaps it saves space, I guess. Maybe just having a smaller car would also save space. No need to tow a massive payload to the Even Stevens parking lot, you know.

No good Hanukkah movies-
How much do I know about Christmas through movies? Everything. How much do I know about Hanukkah through movies? Nothing. I want to celebrate the season, but nobody's telling me how. And yes, yes I know what you're thinking, but I hear Eight Crazy Nights is terrible. Plus that's only one movie anyway. I want to naturally absorb Hanukkah without needing to do outside research. These don't need to be movies about the holiday. They can be movies like Die Hard, where it's just the background setting. Who wouldn't want to watch the Hanukkah Die Hard? Eight nights... of action!

Breakfast potatoes definition-
The breakfast committee needs to decide what breakfast potatoes are. Sometimes they're cubed with onions and sometimes (like this last time) they're sliced like carrots and deep-fried. It's like we didn't want to be chained to hash browns, but breakfast used its newfound freedom to just generalize. And also, maybe a snazzier new name than "breakfast potatoes."

I work at Overstock and I'm an Amazon Prime member. Neither of those things help me get stuff to me. Ordered on December 17th, but thanks oh so much for getting that It's a Wonderful Life DVD to me by December 27th.

Other shipping-
Hey when you see a new TV show or movie or whatever, maybe don't play matchmaker with the characters immediately. Romance is great (maybe), but consider all the other fulfilling and interesting types of relationships we don't see so much of in media. Perhaps instead of romantically shipping characters you can ship in the most exciting platonic way yet dreamed in society. That'd be new. We've covered romance, let's see how hardcore we can get with this platonic thing.

Non-retractable headphones on every phone-
Need stupid headphones 24/7 because I don't know what kind of stupid content with sound I'll be sent (or stupid surf to when wasting time) throughout the day. Just playing sound through speakers in a public area is right out (grievance in itself -- don't do it if you do). Corded earbuds have a superpower to get caught on every single corner. Not sure what witchcraft went into that. Anyway, all phones everywhere need to have the earbuds included in the actual phone along with a button that retracts them like measuring tape or the power cord to a vacuum. That way we stick our buds in and then retract the button and the cord hugs up against our body and doesn't get caught on anything. I have yet to try air buds.

Charging cables-
Old news from the past 15 years, but every phone charging cable is exactly five inches too short.

Headphone adapter-
Ugh, okay this is as lame as I thought it would be. You know what I'm talking about, right? I don't even wanna type this. I've got iPhone earbuds that plug right in to the phone, but if I need to use my external microphone with the phone I need the 1/4" adapter, which exists only in my car for the 1/4" auxiliary port in there. My computer at work and home uses a separate USB headphone set. Anyway, the point is, I have three different types of headphones. This was not a problem five years ago. For like 30 years we had all that headphone garbage under control.

Podcasts app-
Obviously Apple has the sadistic iTunes development team working on the iPhone's Podcasts app. I don't know how these imps see life or the human condition, but they're continuing to use their alien ways to make the Podcasts app a nightmare of organization. Right now it's gone from aggravating to absolute curiosity. I can't even figure out a logic for which downloaded podcasts are displayed. Is it possible they just display randomly? But the organization can't be completely random. It's almost as if through state-of-the-art machine learning the application has learned my habits, but using that information to specifically obscure what I'm looking for. If the machines are after me, at least the T-800s have the decency to put a face to the enemy.

Apple watch-
I still don't know what my watch does. I feel it should be more intuitive than it actually is. I could go online to find out all its secrets, but I feel like my watch should be the one to tell me.

Journeys socks-
Journeys stopped making my favorite tube socks with the stripes on them. Now I'm out of socks for the rest of my terrible life. I've gone 15 years resisting the lameness that is ankle socks. I will knit my own socks before I give into ankle socks. I've seen you dealing with ankle socks looking dorky and also slipping down into your shoe like a star-nosed mole.

Sliders coupons-
Arby's shouldn't have a coupon for 12 sliders for 12 bucks. It's not that good of a deal. You won't lose too much money with two coupons for six sliders for six bucks. I've recently discovered that I can't actually eat 12 sliders in one sitting.

280 characters-
Tweets shouldn't have two paragraphs (36).

Unpopular on Twitter-
I should be more popular on Twitter. Consider these tweets:

Why doesn't Victoria's Secret have an Oktobrafest?

That one should have 2,000 likes and 900 retweets, right? Nope. Just nine likes.

Not at all surprised USA lost to Trinidad and Tobago. Soccer's hard enough without playing two teams at once #USMNT

That one only had three retweets.

Okay by contrast here's a random tweet by Anna Kendrick:

There was a "Corgi Halloween Parade" in Vancouver today and NONE of you told me??? I'm calling the cops.

6,492 retweets and 57,900 likes.


Proud ignorance-
I believe this is a repeat from a previous year, but I'm repeating it now. No matter how empty you perceive it to be, there's absolutely no nobility in claiming ignorance to any subject. Yes, fine. You DON'T know all the Kardashians' names. That's not worth pointing out. If you don't know it, you don't know it, but don't feel all sorts of special by not bothering to know such a thing. Feel special by what you do know, not just what you want to look down on (but obviously know enough about to define).

Side confidence-
The world is complicated these days. People who disagree with that worry me. What's up with the confidence on either end of the political spectrum? Those that have a yelly answer for everything have a surety that I envy, but I simply don't have enough faith in. The only bliss is in extremes. The rest of us in the middle are merely terrified.

Merry Christmas-
I don't feel like I can say "merry Christmas" anymore. It's not because I feel oppressed. It's because I feel that by saying it, I would actually be communicating a spiteful victory chant regarding a non-existent war. Thanks Trump, but invoking the name of Christ in order to spite others is one thing Christmas definitely never needed. Looks like it's back to "Festivus ahoy" to all I see.

Girls in charge-
This is a future grievance. It's actually likely after all this harassment stuff dies down, things will go to exactly how they were before (or a little worse), but there's a small chance girls might be totally in charge in the future. If that happens, ladies, stop making the same mistakes we made for the last 10,000 years. Please don't make the mistake of thinking that because you're in charge, you should emulate the asshole attributes of past people in charge. If there is a difference between us, please bring the goodness of femininity rather than the brutality of masculinity.

Grieving to me-
Okay I grieve and I grieve. I do what I can. Don't think I have any solid answers. To anything. My head is filled with question marks constantly. Keep this in mind next time you ask me anything.

--Btw, we discussed a version of this list on Rhett's "Going for Zero" podcast. Maybe look for that in your faulty Podcasts app.


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