Thursday, January 01, 2015

Movies: 2014


Alrighty people, here's my annual movie post.
This year, in order to prepare for it, I put the movies I saw into a spreadsheet. In what was supposed to save work, added a ton. My list is usually based on movies I saw in the theater, but these days there's a big chance that I'll wind up seeing a movie from this year online. So what I did is write down every single movie I saw along with its release year according to iMDB. I also cataloged all the older movies I've seen for the first time, as well as my re-watches. Anyway, this is gonna result in a few different categories for the big list this year. I'm still gonna devote the bulk of it to 2014 movies though.

Top 33 2013 Movies of 2014

Lemme get these ones out of the way first. Every year I have this dumb issue of seeing some residual movies from the previous year shortly after my previous year-end list. Lots of these are just movies that were still in the theater that I never got around to seeing and lots of these are movies I had no means to see because their original release didn't include Salt Lake City. This happens often and it's a little bit annoying for my record-keeping purposes, but for the sake of organization I'm gonna go ahead and stay true to the 2013 release date even though many sort of really came out in 2014. Many are high-profile movies that were up for Academy Awards last year, but many others weren't even released in theaters. Eclectic bunch, this.

33 Knights of Badassdom
Lots of geek cred on this one with Summer Glau and Peter Dinklage. Very lazy with the laughs though and hardly treats larping with the same respect the non-geeky Role Models does. The movie ends with the day saved by embarrassing joke heavy metal.

32 Rapture-Palooza
Another comedy about the end of the world, but pretty boring. Anna Kendrick is quite cute but not written funny enough.

31 Escape from Tomorrow
This one was guerrilla-filmed at Disneyland without the Disney authorities knowing. It’s supposed to be a sort of weird allegory about the terror beneath the wholesome. The story of how it was made is far more interesting than the movie itself, which understandably looks like a lot of home video footage along with cheap green screen effects during scenes they couldn’t clear in real life. The Russian girl from The Americans is in it as a teenager which is mind-blowing since she looks 30-ish on the TV show.

30 Cutie and the Boxer
A documentary about two Japanese artists and their relationship. He’s the popular one, but his girl is the one that wants a big break. The movie plays like a narrative more than any other documentary I've seen. In this case it’s a detriment. I doubt everyone who sees it would feel the same.
29 Dave Foley: Relatively Well
Stand-up comedy. I may have watched a few of these, but didn’t put them on this list. Oh well, it’s hard to determine which ones would be “specials” and which would be “movies.” Anyway, while very funny, Foley’s work here is far more cruel and bitter than I would have anticipated. I’m glad he got it out of his system though.

28 Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (R-rated version)
I was never much of a fan of the first movie, so I understandably was underwhelmed with this one. I maybe should have tried the original version instead of the R-rated one. I recall the previews having a few lines from James Marsden that made me laugh that weren’t in the version I saw. After seeing the movie I jotted down a couple of notes: 1) "Every 1's a Winner" by Hot Chocolate is a cool song and 2) Rumble with Kanye VJs and ESPN actually pretty amazing. I don’t actually remember either of those things.

27 Lone Survivor
I hear the book is quite good. The movie has a scene right out of Hot Rod where our hero keeps falling down a hill.

26 The Croods
I remember enjoying the look of this one. It’s funny, though, how computer generated cartoons are far more forgettable than hand-drawn stuff even though it looks a lot better.

25 Milius
Documentary on John Milius. he’s the guy who did a lot of stuff for Apocalypse Now and Red Dawn. Didn't convince me that he was a wonderful filmmaker, but the real draw is seeing how small and full of personality Hollywood used to be.

24 Nebraska
I’m sure you saw it. It’s full of old and depression.

23 The Institute
This documentary is about a real-life immersive secret game. I was hoping they'd talk more about the planning and logistics of pulling the game off. It was mostly from our side of things, so it left me wanting more information for my own real-life game.

22 Haunter
It’s a good idea to enjoy Abigail Breslin while she’s still child-like and somewhat adorable. This weird horror movie from a ghost family’s point of view is stuck in a weird medium of awareness. The plot had a few too many layers of universe rules to really buy and runs impossibly far with the twist.

21 V/H/S/2
This little found footage horror gem was much funner than the first one. It’s an anthology so if you’re not into the current story you can always wait a few minutes. My favorite pieces include a zombie POV from a bike helmet cam and another one with security footage in a building run by a cult.

20 The Unknown Known
This documentary is pretty much a one-on-one with Errol Morris and generally regarded as warmongering Donald Rumsfeld. Morris uses his technique of interviewing the subject as the subject stares directly into the camera, giving us the impression that we’re the ones asking Rumsfeld to explain things. Rumsfeld plays smart and dumb in all the right places to make the story less satisfying than one would want.

19 Computer Chess
Okay, now this one is a weird one. It takes place during a nerd convention of computer chessers and is filmed in what looks like strange 80s VHS. I saw this the same night I saw Her, which is fitting since they probe a little bit on AI.

18 2014 Live Action Short Oscar Nominations
These are Oscar-nominated shorts, so there is the thrill of that, but like most short films many of these are pretty boring. It’s almost as if the filmmakers know that in creating a short film they’re already at a disadvantage in creating something boring, so they have to try as hard as they can to get the boring in. A few were mildly pleasant, but the French short about a woman and her fellow employees working together against the clock to help her escape an abusive relationship easily made the entire viewing worth it and was one of the best things I saw all year.

17 Sound City
Here’s Dave Grohl’s documentary about his favorite recording studio. I was rewarded with stories of a musical period I’m interested in. Since seeing it, I wonder if  a documentary on any other major studio would be just as interesting. Of course there were a lot of digital vs. analog comparisons which seems to be a theme of documentaries I find interesting over the past few years. It was fun having Reznor address the issue and proving that digital can be done right.

16 Dear Mr. Watterson
Most of this documentary is sort of a Chris Farley show-worth of people relentlessly talking about how great the Calvin and Hobbes strip is. The real money is Berke Breathed discussing a bit of their competition and rival philosophies. There's also some great bits of discussion regarding the benefits and hindrances of Watterson's stance of absolute non-marketing.

15 Dirty Wars
I remember enjoying this documentary, but little else. I suppose I watched too many 2013 documentaries to be completely lucid on all of them. This is one of several war documentaries questioning the way the United States does things. I do remember this one is real-life scary, so I picked the wrong one to mis-remember. I also remember the conclusion wasn’t super conclusive in a really freaky, OMG we’re all gonna die kinda way.

14 Bad Milo
I saw three movies on my birthday. This was the best one. It’s about a demon that lives in Ken Marino’s butt.

13 Philomena
Steve Coogan kind of rules. I didn’t expect this type of thing from him, but the movie is as touching as expected for its type.

12 The Wind Rises
I’ve always felt a little guilty that I don’t like Miyazaki as much as I should. The films are always beautiful, but I tend to get sleepy whenever I watch them. I think it’s because they don’t follow the same story structure we’re used to. For The Wind Rises it’s almost like it has 12 acts or something. Still quite good. Nice touch having human voices act as the sounds of the planes (almost as if the planes are human themselves). The whole movie is a wonderful mix of dreamy combined with reality.

11 Frozen
I think kids like this one so much because, like The Wind Rises, it has an unconventional story structure. It’s sort of refreshing to focus on two protagonists playing off each other rather than giving equal time to a separate antagonist. It can be done. Somewhat.

10 Her
You saw this and you know what it’s about. Kind of weird that such a thing isn’t kind of weird anymore. Totally dug the production design with those wooden computers.

9 2014 Animated Short Oscar Nominations
Animated films have the added benefit of extra work, so they tend not to fall into the usual trappings that the boring live action shorts fall into. For these, I remember the French/Belch number was quite nice.

8 The Square
Interesting documentary about the community in Egypt to discuss, debate and attempt to enforce democracy in Egypt. Sadly, most of the effort is disputing between several factions that want the same thing. However, it’s interesting that the Egyptians found a passion for freedom, accountability and patriotism that most Americans lost hundreds of years ago.

7 2014 Documentary Short Program A Oscar Nominations
The one like The Square, but in Sudan was super good. The 109-year old holocaust piano player and the one with the gay and the skinhead were okay. Not as good. The holocaust piano player was the one that one. Obviously. Good documentary shorts can’t compete with that premise.

6 The Punk Singer
Documentary on Kathleen Hanna of Bikini Kill. This is probably the most exposure to feminism I’ve had in a while and I obviously have a ways to go. She's strangely and obviously sexy, which I hope she's okay with me thinking. Somewhat intrigued with the music as well, despite its threat. See also: Le Tigre.

5 Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa
Steve Coogan kind of rules. This time it’s in an especially dry British Comedy that also stars Chief O’brien from Star Trek.

4 Jodorowsky's Dune
Is there an end to documentary ideas? This one is a documentary on a movie that wasn’t even made. What would have been Dune is an intriguing idea: instead of an auteur collecting a bunch of laborers, a mad man collecting a cadre of other mad men and instilling in them a warrior cult idea about his vision. Dune could have been the most majestic disaster in cinema and I would have loved it, I’m sure.

3 The Sacrament
Jim Jones-like cults fascinate me a bit. This found-footage movie uses footage of a film crew infiltrating the cult. Like most movies, the night scene is a bit spooky and weird. Unlike most movies, the real horror happens the next day in very broad daylight.

2 Stories We Tell
Sarah Polley’s dad may not be her dad. But that’s really just the start. The documentary mostly focuses on culture’s reliance on storytelling and perception and how the truth is different for everybody. In keeping with the theme, it’s difficult to tell what is legitimate footage and what has been recreated.

1 We Are the Best!
It’s 1982 and two adorable tone-deaf Stockholm tween girls manipulate a Christian musician classmate into joining their punk band to point them in the right musical direction. The movie is delightful and fun and touches on the perfect amount of young teenage drama. The band’s big number, “Hate the Sport” (written after an especially annoying gym class) is an anthem I think most of us can get behind.

Top 65 2014 Movies of 2014

Alrighty, here’s the big list focusing on just the 2014 movies specifically. All of these should be contenders for 2015 Academy Awards (the ones on the list above could have been contenders in last year’s Oscars). I may have fudged the dates on a couple of Sundance movies, but they were at Sundance in 2014, so I mean, c’mon.

Hmm. Let’s look at themes a little. Right now, before I type it all up I think a movie theme of 2014 is time. It just hit me that time played a factor in all sorts of different ways for quite a few different movies (maybe it only applies to the three on my mind at the moment, we’ll see).

Hopefully I didn’t forget any. Obviously remember that I didn’t necessarily see every movie (especially a bunch toward the end there). I’m also not including our 48-hour Film Project screenings or other things like that. Those happened. No need to forget (we won the audience choice award this year!).

65 Low Down
Saw this one at Sundance and it’s as boring as sacrament meeting. It kind of feels like it was entirely made up of deleted scenes that could have been taken out of a better movie. The story’s kind of like Inside Llewyn Davis, but the guy never takes the subway anywhere.

64 Filth
Ugh. James McAvoy plays a bad cop. It’s messy and gross and I'm not just being a prude because it was also boring. I think it had an idea of doing something thoughtful in contrast to everything depicted in the title, but the silly move failed with me, only showing the contrast of an indeterminate movie tone. Imogen Poots is in this one.

63 Let's Be Cops
Hey, I love this irreverent idea. I only wish the movie stuck with it instead of giving us a hilarious montage (that’s completely depicted in the movie preview) and then giving us an hour of characters actually attempting remorse or something weird like that.

62 Need for Speed
Imogen Poots is a favorite of mine thanks to her sparkly eyes and velociraptor mouth. Unfortunately, like many of her roles it turns out, she’s reduced to constantly gazing at douchebags. Aaron Paul had the role of a lifetime on Breaking Bad, unfortunately that also might be true because he seems to be uninteresting in any other roles. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The Fast & Furious series is dumb, but it’s got a spectacular fun beyond the dumb. The same dumb fun is elusive in Need for Speed.

61 That Awkward Moment
Imogen Poots again. She’s in three of the bottom five movies of the year. She laughs at every douchey thing Zac Efron says in the same way she unnecessarily beams at Aaron Paul in Need for Speed. The bro-centric banter in this one is like frat boys attempting to write a Sex and the City script. Replace any charm that could be there with smug sarcasm.

60 Bad Words
Love Jason Bateman, but not funny enough. It also has a silly adorable kid, but is too raunchy and terrible for that kid to be so cute all the time. The kid gets treated the way women are often treated: abused, but begging for affection from an undeserving someone

59 Art of the Steal
Here’s a bizarre low-budget Ocean’s 11-like heist movie that was strangely relegated to the independent movie house, where it didn’t fit in too well. It had forced heist-y dialogue, but like most heists, plenty fun. Funner in hindsight, strangely. I actually took that “funner in hindsight” note when I saw the movie several months ago. As I type this now, I’m struggling to remember who actually appears in the movie.

58 Son of God
There was an awesome montage at beginning that went over several Bible stories in rapid succession. I learned later that this was because the movie is cobbled together from some kind of Bible TV show. Kudos to showing Magdalane as more of an apostle than a prostitute. Pilate was a little complicated and Joseph of Arimathea was black so that’s cool. The movie isn’t overly spectacular and wouldn’t grab me if I weren’t already familiar with the Bible and just waiting for my favorite non-boring parts to happen.

57 Begin Again
This one was made by the guy who made Once, so a comparison between the two is inescapable. The stories are similar, but I found plenty of sincerity in Once, whereas Begin Again feels processed and impersonal. Matter of taste of course. I felt Keira Knightley’s big song was far superior after it was manufactured through the pop process.

56 Love Child
Wow. I barely remember this. Another Sundance one. It’s about the culture that included the Korean couple who played online games while their daughter starved to death. Interesting subject matter, but I suppose it’s unremarkable enough that this is likely the only time in your life you’ll ever read about it.

55 God's Pocket
Phillip Seymour Hoffman in one of his last roles. We’re privileged to see him trip and fall in slow motion, so the world is treated to that. Weird tones. I couldn’t really read if it was supposed to be funny or sad or dramatic or dull. The direction was kind of confusing in that way. The weird ginger from Antiviral is in it.

54 Horrible Bosses 2
Funny moments, but certainly not as complete of an idea as the first one. Seems to have less bite than the first one too, which is always a sequel mistake. It tends to contribute to a sort of phoniness. I never complain about just hearing Charlie Day yell, though.

53 The Amazing Spider-Man 2
Feels really long. Kind of like in Man of Steel, they sorta destroyed a city for no real reason. There was no particular menace to any of the villains. Jamie Fox became a villain because his feelings got hurt instead of a desire to take over the world. Yeah, maybe trying to take over the world is a boring motive, but stick with the classics on this one.

52 The Hundred Foot Journey
Fun feel-good about food. Forgettable story and unrelatable motives, but the food shots. Ahhh, the food shots.

51 The Grand Budapest Hotel
Yeah, I’m wrong, but I’m an absolute non-fan of Wes Anderson. I mentioned this in 2012 that Wes Anderson movies feel like they were directed by the pod people from Invasion of the Body Snatchers AFTER they’ve taken over humanity and eradicated all human emotion. Anderson seems to be refining his own look and it’s getting narrower and narrower. If he let go of his mathematic, precise quirk I’d really appreciate him more I think. The skiing part was probably the best.

50 A Most Wanted Man
Another one of the last ones by Philip Seymour Hoffman. No wonder he was so stressed. He was making every movie ever at the same time. This one is a spy thriller change-up by not having thrilling action sequences. Yeah, a fresh change up, but when you dull up the spy industry, where do you go after that?

49 This is Where I Leave You
The book was okay. With Tina Fey and Jason Bateman, the cast elevated the source material from book characters that weren’t as interesting as the author intended. Rose Byrne is also one of my favorite people, so that always helps a little. Still, the life lessons the movie thinks it might have aren’t very mind-blowing.

48 Our RoboCop Remake
Like Empire Uncut, this is a series of fan-made short movies stitched together to make a completed re-made RoboCop movie. Some was amazingly gross, but most kept the lid on being over the top. The subtlest references to the original film were the best parts.

47 RoboCop (2014)
I commend the RoboCop reboot for going in a completely different direction than the original movie. Of course it’s hard to make a memorable movie reboot when the original is so damn memorable itself, what with the pitch black humor and everything. I did enjoy this new one’s new directions in body horror, though.

46 Godzilla
For a big giant monster movie, this one’s quieter than one would think. Larger too. Lots of smoke. Spoiler alert sort of, but thank goodness they skipped the “Godzilla is bad!” movie and went right to the “Godzilla will save us all!” movie.

45 Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
Kind of like A Most Wanted Man, this spy movie was surprisingly low-key with not so many ‘splosions. It dipped into a few tried and true tropes to at least make it a bit more exciting though. Most of the movie seemed to be a single, very tense, dinner. I really liked the drawn-outness of that scene.

44 Happy Christmas
I really really liked Joe Swanberg’s movie from last year called Drinking Buddies. This one was okay, but it’s premise wasn’t automatically as full as direction as that last one I saw. Anna Kendrick always gets adorable points and Lena Dunham was far less annoying than usual, so it makes for a non-torturous, steady watch.

43 Meet the Mormons
The kickboxer Mormon was my favorite. What was yours? Pretty fun and enthused characters, but they made me feel guilty for being such a boring Mormon. It’d be nice if my people were more represented: balding Mormons with a steady stream of anxiety who believe in all that weird stuff, but still get annoyed with fulfilling callings. I heard this might be shown in the Joseph Smith building at Temple Square, which I think is the right direction for the LDS Church to go instead of showing those atrocious fictionalized epics.

42 Get on Up
You can’t go wrong with making a biopic of the godfather of soul. The guy playing James Brown probably could have eased off of the raspy voice just a bit (even if it was authentic) because it tended to be pretty distracting. The movie also eschewed a linear story structure in favor of focusing on several different events completely out of order (as if James Brown were remembering different events toward the end of his life). Still, more performance footage would have been very very welcome because even James Brown interpretations get me pretty pumped.

41 The Fault In Our Stars
I can think of few things as fun as kids with cancer. I called the ending.

40 Big Hero 6
Sorta felt that there should be a bit less talking and a bit more fun. San Fransokyo itself was a nice touch that wasn’t necessary, but the unnecessary nice touches are what make things great. Maybe a few more touches like that would have made a better picture.

39 Noah
I originally had an unflattering listing for this one, but I switched it to its current spot because I feel like I spent half the year defending this movie’s existence. Once we realize that they took the well-known, yet diminutively-documented story of Noah and the Ark and used it as a basis for telling a separate deep story of loss and sacrifice, I think that’s a step to actually enjoying the movie. Just because a few liberties were taken, it doesn’t take anything away from the source material. This movie is its own thing. Also, Noah's strobey story of the creation should be the new temple video. Not everything that was added worked though. The antagonist felt crammed in and I don’t feel was needed since the most interesting conflict was between the boat people. Also, the bad guys could spend months building weapons, but they don’t think of building a rowboat or something themselves? I mean they seemed to have plenty of advance notice.

38 Lucy
Jean-Luc Besson through and through. A silly concept with very dubious science, that’s simply super fun to watch. Only 10% of a brain was used to make this one, but in a lot of ways it was the right 10%.

37 Guardians of the Galaxy
I feel like I was a bit cooler on this than most other people. This may seem like a crazy opinion, but I think the movie would have been a lot funnier if there weren’t so many jokes crammed into it. At least the really good ones would have landed a lot better since they’d be unexpected. I also would have really preferred the characters themselves (including a few of the villains) to take their universe and the movie more seriously. Also, Starlord’s fantastic soundtrack only had one good song (“Cherry Bomb”). Hey, besides all that, I’m no stranger to the fun here. There was quite a bit.

36 Dumb and Dumber To
Obviously a disappointment from the original, but I was pleasantly surprised and laughed a bit. Much of the strange quick and dumb humor is still here and delivered properly (“age is nothing but a letter, man”). I also laughed pretty hard when one of them referred to the Asian-looking guy in the hockey jersey with a heavy northern accent saying “hoser” all the time as a “Mexican.” The film has a huge uphill battle though. The dumbness just better with non-old people. If you want to trip yourself out, watch a few episodes of The Newsroom before you watch Jeff Daniels in this.

35 Wild
This was life-changing! Well, it was for the main character in the movie anyway. I think the movie may have been more effective if I went in pretty cold. The previews give away Witherspoon’s backstory (which I actually should know in detail since I was supposed to have read the book), and the movie is supposed to make tiny revelations about her while she’s hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. The result feels like an enduring, but very safe linear story of one person reaching her goal in the same way the PCT itself is linear.

34 Neighbors
Hoping for funnier, but what's new in any comedy? Comedies have become my new horror movies. Just like getting scared, it’s getting more difficult for me to laugh. As mentioned earlier, I am a tremendous Rose Byrne fan and she was the excellentest part of this movie. I heard she wasn’t a part of the original story, which is a shame and ultimately quite fortuitous.

33 Citizenfour
Documentary on Edward Snowden. Very interesting and unstructured. And scary. Lots of the action just takes place in a single hotel room, but the conversation makes us re-evaluate our safety and existence. This one’s a feel-good one.

32 Dear White People
I’m sure I would have enjoyed it much more if the theater weren’t filled with white people laughing just a little too hard at the mildly amusing racial humor.

31 Veronica Mars
The movie feels like it was composed of about three new episodes of the TV show. Would have appreciated it if they took more chances to make the movie a bit different, instead of 90 minutes of going “hey, there’s that guy from the show too!” Fortunately it’s a pretty awesome TV show.

30 Tim's Vermeer
Documentary of the guy who built what he thinks is the equivalent of an 18th century machine to perfectly re-create a Vermeer painting. More voices would have been nice, but two of the voices were Penn and (kind of) Teller. Also more of a tragedy that Vermeer didn't have the painting talent we thought. The true art was the invention. Intriguing look at how much the creation of the art itself contributes to the art’s definition.

29 Blue Ruin
This one is good, but hard to describe. It’s a revenge thriller that begins with the revenge and then deals with the consequences. This is what I knew going in, so I was surprised at how conventional it turned out to be. I blame the media. I mean, people talk about it as a “revenge story gone wrong,” but how many revenge stories go right? It was a very gripping and good kind of conventional at least. Kind of Coen brothers-y. Eve Plumb is in it. EVE PLUMB!

28 Interstellar
The only science I had a huge problem with is how their little hovercraft spaceship was able to break the gravity of the mega-gravity planet. The movie was pretty long, but I think that kind of worked in its own unique way. After a long length of time passes within the movie, suddenly the next few decades are dependent on split second decision. Suddenly the weight of those seconds is felt all the more. Still, the mind-bending mysteriousness is not as fulfilling as previous Nolan attempts. I don’t hate Hathaway. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

27 Obvious Child
Jenny Slate has a voice perfect for comedy and extreme sadness. Tricky subject dealing with abortion, but a no-apologies approach was actually pretty refreshing.

26 Under the Skin
Apparently, this Johanssen-as-alien-hunting-men-for-their-skin genre of movie was half-improvised. The thing didn’t look or feel improvised, but possibly would have been more effective at a quicker pace. I respected this a lot more than I enjoyed it. It’s quite entrancing for the first while, but gets grating after 45 minutes. Plays a lot with gender roles and attraction and power and is sexyscary if such a word is allowed to exist. The soundtrack is pretty phenomenal. It sounds like vintage sci-fi theremin.

25 The Babadook
Mission accomplished. This horror piece drew me in enough to respect the scares. Like great horror classics, it left the audience with the pleasure to plug in meaning for the monstrosity. This case is the horror of not being up to the challenge of parenting. Also, give that kid an Oscar. Whoever they got to play the weird, frightening, vulnerable, sweet, annoying, yelly kid totally deserves it.

24 Magic in the Moonlight
Woody Allen makes a really good film about every six or seven years. Unfortunately, he makes a new one every year no matter what. This one is likely to be one of the forgotten ones and definitely wasn’t received too well in my circles. I liked it more than most, though. I always give Woody a pretty big pass every year, but I rather latched on to the idea that no matter how religious or scientific or logical or whatever you are, you just gotta believe there’s magic in the universe. Love itself proves that. Perhaps the message is difficult to take coming from a guy like Woody Allen.

23 The Skeleton Twins
The movie has lots of flaws and would be considered another fairly forgettable independent movie, but the fact that Wiig and Hader kind of knocked it out of the park with their performances raised it up several notches. I especially liked Hader’s performance. Got to meet him at the screening and told him how much I really appreciated his Vincent Price specials on SNL. He told me it was Lorne’s idea for Vincent Price to play the straight man in those sketches. That was a totally true story.

22 Gone Girl
I hate being the guy who’s like “the book is so much better,” especially since I barely read. I’ll say it in this case, though, because the book’s structure of going back and forth between narrators is not something that can really be accomplished in the movie. The movie was a bit heavier on the beginning part rather than the end part as well. I also would have liked Affleck to be portrayed a little more guilty to fully equalize the conflict. I hate myself for saying all that because I’ve always maintained that movies and books shouldn’t be compared next to each other, but judged as themselves. That said, I sort of loved Gone Girl for one 10-second shot that’s brilliantly vintage Fincher full of perfect motion, clean discomfort and sleek blood. The horror Doogie shot will haunt my dreams forever.

21 They Came Together
Plenty funny. This Paul Rudd and Amy Pohler movie takes the piss out of rom-coms in legitimately funny ways and not just cheap shots. It’s feels a bit like a Zucker-type movie like Airplane! The full force of romantic comedy cliches at this flicks disposal is insane. As far as dumber-yet-brillianter aspects go, the badly-staged basketball scene was one of the highlights of the year.

20 Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Lots of Shakespeare. Lots of ape drama. Fascinating good and evil on both sides. That shot of the ape taking down the tank while the camera is attached to the turret and spinning around? Remember that? Yeah, that was so awesome. I’m still not converted, but the CGI in these new Planet of the Apes movies is as close to believable as it gets right now.

19 Frank
Stupid sexy Fassbender. This movie proves that I’ll like the guy even when he’s covered in a papier mache mask the entire movie. This one reminded me a bit of a lighter version of Amadeus by tackling the same aspect of having the desire to create the art without the obvious talent of the true genius. Where does that genius come from? Do you need to be a weirdo to create something special or are those eccentricities a disservice?

18 22 Jump Street
This franchise is nearly full-scale unapologetic parody by now, but that leads to a sequel I laughed harder at than the original. And I loved the original.

17 Empire Uncut
I’ll always include a favorable ranking for any movie I’m in. This is that one where they stitched together a bunch of fan-made 15-second scenes to re-create The Empire Strikes Back. We submitted a few scenes and they’re all in there. My stuff’s great, but check out the rest. There’s some sweet gender bending (one bearded guy insists on playing Princess Leia a few times and he NAILS IT) as well as some amazing bizarre animation.

16 Edge of Tomorrow
More obviously like Groundhog Day than I imagined. Fun and hilarious. Not boring. You get to watch Tom Cruise die like 50 times. It’s pretty much like Super Meatboy (Super Meatboy is a great video game that I play and it’s kept track of how many times I’ve died (over 8,000)).

15 Into the Woods
Kind of felt disjointed with the harsh edits, but I really do enjoy this musical. The two kids they got were pure highlights. I especially like the Sondheim lyrics. So much of the story is about doubt and hesitancy and surprisingly adult themes coupled with the wonder of adolescence.

14 The One I Love
A wonderful relationship movie. I don’t want to call it a science fiction movie since that seems to turn lots of people off instantly. Instead, consider it a movie where the characters literally are able to converse with versions of themselves to solve their relationship problems. It’s a good premise to ask some thoughtful questions on what is wanted and what is given in any relationship. Elizabeth Moss is in it. YOU LIKE ELIZABETH MOSS!

13 The Trip to Italy
Let two chatty and competitive friends go on a road trip together. Turn the camera on. Release it as a movie. laugh yourself silly. That’s The Trip to Italy. AGAIN. These Trip movies are really awesome about being very superficially about nothing at all, but really getting to the heart of other things by the end. Again, we get the competitiveness along with slight sadness and the perils of struggling with manhood and infidelity.

12 The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1
Never read the books up to this point, but where I’ve heard things go downhill at this point, I’m actually pretty intrigued -- especially now that we’re away from the games themselves. Cool idea to have Katniss in the hands of the good guys, to only have her image and character manipulated in much the same way as when she was being exploited before. That Zero Dark Thirty-like scene near the end made me gasp a bit.

11 X-Men: Days of Future Past
Stupid sexy Fassbender. AGAIN. Is that why the good guys keep trusting Magneto? Every single X-Men movie it’s like “We have no choice, we need to trust Magneto… WHOOOOPS!” Still, I would love it if Magneto turns every single time. It always works. The “future” sequences (really the present -- the movie flipped the comic’s present-future timeline to the movie’s past-present timeline) didn’t work for me as much as I wanted (slightly cheesy), but it helped that everyone died. We all know the Quicksilver scene was great, but the end sequence was actually quite tense. The 70s sheen is amazing. Please let me know if you’d like to borrow the original “Days of Future Past” comics from the 80s. I have PDF versions of them. It’s only two issues.

10 Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Pretty groovy 70s conspiracy thriller that has its own feel beyond the other Marvel movies (and especially different than the first Captain America one). Dare I say this is the best Marvel sequel that’s been released? Maybe that’s not such an incredible claim. Also, how cool is it to be a superhero with a team of three hot chicks along with two cool talkin' black brothers getting your back?

9 The LEGO Movie
I wrote down that maybe there was too much real-life stuff, but that extra daring on top of the sheer pleasure of this world is exactly why this movie will actually rise in esteem beyond the hype of everybody going crazy for it. LEGO is a perfect way to address the structured versus the creative types. If you remember correctly, each LEGO set included one set of instructions to build what was on the box. Traditionally, you get a LEGO set, build what’s on the box and THEN build whatever else. I remember some of my friends used to follow the instructions and then stop there. Obviously this would annoy me as someone who wanted to build lots of different things. Perhaps because I’m sloppy and not structured. The two philosophies are really explored in the movie and go beyond just the ritual of toy playing. It’s also a great excuse to have another Batman and Star Wars movie rolled into one (also a Unikitty movie).

8 Nightcrawler
It’s not necessarily about the lowlifes in broadcast journalism. Jake Gyllenhaall’s character could infiltrate any industry with Machiavellian venom and still so many people would respect it. Hopefully everyone who sees this takes it as a cautionary tale.

7 The Raid 2
The best movie ever made where everyone is constantly kicking each other. I think that may have been my exact review for the first The Raid. Actually this one is a bit longer than the first and surprisingly has a fairly elaborate undercover police story. In a way, this took away from the pleasure of the simple action story of the first one, but it cements Gareth Evans as a fantastic action director. One of these days he’s gonna make a film in English and you will be stupid not to see it because it will be the best movie ever made in English where everyone is constantly kicking each other.

6 Snowpiercer
When I first saw this, I scratched my head and didn’t know what to think, but this sucker’s resonated with me over time better than just about any other movie this year. It’s a crazy allegory with a society trapped on a train stuck going the same direction. The caboosers want to rebel and take the engine. In order to do that they need to go through every car and every car is so different they’re each like a surreal short film all their own. I love how they just ran with this bizarre concept all the way.

5 Life Itself
One of three movies I saw twice in the theater. I can safely say I’m a pretty big fan of Roger Ebert. Even if you don’t agree with his opinions, his reviews tend to be great reads because he personalizes them with his own opinion, not what he thinks your opinion would be (like so many critics tend to do). You watch a documentary about Roger Ebert and what gets beamed back to you is a powerful love of movies and their power.

4 Calvary
Yep. Saw this one twice as well. Strange format, this. The movie starts with a priest threatened with murder and then switches to the same priest struggling to help those in town who resent him. The dialogue is slightly un-earthy and almost play-like (as in it feels like discussions more from a play than a movie, somehow), but they’re quite pleasurable, especially from the quirky cast. It does not hurt that the action takes place in a gorgeous Irish town. Makes me want to become Catholic so that I can banter with a Brendon Gleeson-like priest.

3 Birdman
Speaking of plays, I haven’t seen anything like Birdman in my life. The story is about a semi-washed up Hollywood actor attempting to make a new legitimate name for himself on Broadway. The main gimmick is that the whole movie seems to take one long, continuous shot, even though the actual story of the movie takes place over a couple of weeks. I think this bugged a lot of people because the passage of time would seem to negate any need for a continuous shot, but the gimmick totally worked for me. It gave the impression of pressure, like the Michael Keaton character didn’t have time or room to breathe. It also provided the movie with a fluid non-stop motion that’s captured in a live play. The performances, impeccable camera work and percussiony soundtrack are pleasurable bonuses.

2 Boyhood
Another gimmick. I hesitate to call the central gimmick of Boyhood a gimmick though. I think a gimmick seems like something a moviemaker may cram in to his or her already existing idea when it may not be needed. The discipline to film over the course of 12 years is beyond gimmick. It’s a movie. Linklater took an interesting approach by really holding back on what’s shown. Most of the individual scenes are highly unremarkable (and strangely far more remarkable in the first half than the second half). I think he figured that by stringing together seemingly ordinary scenes the whole would become more than the sum. The restraint really works to produce the memory of a life growing up with unremarkable moments that are even more remarkable and regarded as they’re looked back upon. Over the past few years I’ve thought it a shame that kids today don’t have the same identity with the decade they grew up in as much as someone who grew up in the 80s or 90s. Watching Boyhood, though, made me realize that the 00s decade actually has an identity that can be picked up on through the eyes of youth. The legitimate culture I saw from year to year was palpable and couldn’t be manufactured in the same way as a normal movie. Boyhood is like half-documentary that takes real queues from the culture of the time to paint what I feel is a lot of truth.  

1 Whiplash
Alternate title: Blood, Sweat and Tears on the Zildjians. Kind of weird that this is number 1, but it belongs there. Maybe not for everybody, but this is the one that’s gone through my mind most. This is the other movie I saw twice in the theater too. The first time I was into it and the music and the drive this kid had. After already seeing it once, the second viewing was closer to watching a horror movie because I was already aware of the terror the J.K. Simmons character had in him. If I saw J.K. Simmons in real life, I’d be very afraid to make eye contact. Certainly he’s winning best actor. Right? RIGHT?! How much is perfection worth? When I see the pain that comes from molding an incredible performer I wonder if I should ever enjoy anything again if so much literal blood is involved in accomplishing such awesome work. Speaking of time, “NOT MY TEMPO!”

There it is. That’s the big list. The following is some additional information from my movie spreadsheet that I’ll just paste along.

Top 58 older movies I saw for the first time this last year (the order may not be completely precise, but number one is the one at the bottom).

The Eighth Day
The Wild Bunch
Meet the Deedles
Eagle vs. Shark
Twixt
The Master of Disguise
A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Dead
Ishtar
Mean Girls 2
Beginning of the End
The Phantom Planet
I Accuse My Parents
Night of the Blood Beast
Shadow of the Vampire
All the Boys Love Mandy Lane
Open Range
Pi
Unleashed
Magicians
Nightmare Factory
Kingdom of Shadows
1941
Maximum Overdrive
Accepted
A Life Less Ordinary
Roger Dodger
How to Marry a Millionaire
Tol' able David
Kingpin
Nosferatu
Dragonslayer
Fantastic Voyage
Robot and Frank
K-19: The Widowmaker
For a Good Time Call
Upside Down: The Creation Records Story
Novocaine
Tombstone
The Little Mermaid (1975)
Cropsey
Deceptive Practice: The Mysteries and Mentors of Ricky Jay
The Hunt
The Loved Ones
MASH
Meatballs
Lawrence of Arabia
Starter for 10
Das Boot (Director's Cut)
The Imposter
Bad Teacher
Night of the Hunter
Shivers
The Mosquito Coast
Beware of Mr. Baker
Scanners
The Act of Killing
Manhunter
The Fisher King

The 32 movies I re-watched from worst to best. These are all pretty good. I tend to not re-watch movies I don’t like.

The Jewel of the Nile
Dead Snow
White Christmas
The Haunting
Young Sherlock Holmes
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (Master Pancake Edition)
Upstream Color
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
Dune
Over the Top
Indie Game: The Movie
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Robin Hood (1973)
In the Loop
Life Itself
Calvary
Whiplash
The Big Lebowski
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
The Dark Crystal
From Dusk Till Dawn
Never Let Me Go
The Fifth Element
Trading Places
A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
Love Actually
Labyrinth
Annie Hall
Airplane!
The Lost Boys
Some Kind of Wonderful

A few interesting (to me) stats.

Number of movies watched at the cinema (including Sundance screenings and Organ Loft): 82
Most popular theater: Broadway (22 screenings)
Sundance screenings: 7
Streamed on Netflix: 73
Streamed from some other service: 4
Movies watched at the 24-hour movie marathon: 14
Non-24HMM movies watched on DVD or Blu-ray: 13
Watched on DVR: 1
Watched on live television: 1
Watched with someone else: 49
Watched alone: 139 (yeah, depressing I know, but Netflix and Moviepass aren’t necessarily social helpers)
1921 movies: 1
1922: 1
1953: 1
1954: 2
1955: 1
1958: 1
1962: 1
1963: 1
1966: 1
1969: 1
1970: 1
1973: 1
1975: 2
1977: 1
1979: 2
1980: 1
1981: 2
1982: 2
1984: 2
1985: 4
1986: 4
1987: 5
1991: 2
1993: 1
1996: 3
1997: 2
1998: 4
2000: 1
2001: 1
2002: 3
2003: 2
2005: 1
2006: 3
2007: 2
2009: 4
2010: 2
2011: 4
2012: 9














Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Airing of Grievances 2014

Today is Festivus. I just realized. Here are the Airing of Grievances for this year.

Pins in dress shirts--
How many pins do we need? And how do you dispose of pins? Do you just throw them away? Are we to depend on the plastic of garbage bags to somehow prevent pins from poking through? What if, WHAT IF they just wrapped dress shirts folded up in plastic without pins? Will they somehow get unfolded in there? If they do, let me go back to my first question. How many pins do we need?

Online videos with mandatory ads longer than the videos themselves--
We live in heaven now. Access to any media is available at any time out of thin air (well, air filled with possible cancer-causing satellite radiation). The only cost (besides cancer) is equal time spent on buffering ads.

Crap streaming from my phone--
All this free media is beautiful on an LTE or Wi-Fi phone connection. Not my phone though. Strangely the shorter the vid, the harder for my phone to process. Bizarro world. Vines are excruciating. Hey phone, keep it together for seven seconds. Seven.

Crap conspiracies between internet providers,  phones and everything else--
All these sites and podcast centers tell us that we can conveniently stream anything! They want us to stream and not download. They're like, "the internet is everywhere, so you can stream anywhere!" The internet's not everywhere. It cuts out all the time. More importantly, Wi-Fi is far from everywhere. LTE or 4G or whatever is MORE everywhere -- but that what we're paying for. Phones want to be streaming away from Wi-Fi so I can give more money to AT&T who then give more money to what I watched who then hire more ads.

My crap phone--
I need to charge the thing three or four times a day. I make a call it takes off 20% of the battery. Sometimes it drops to 1% for no reason. Sometimes it's at 60% and then shuts down suddenly and won't start up again without being plugged in. The juice is in there, it's just compartmentalized.

Vulture theater cleaning crews--
Hey, I like to watch the credits okay? You don't need to perch with your ineffective broom and pan waiting for me to leave. There's still a movie on. They don't show the music credits until the very end and that's my favorite part of the credits. And what's up with everybody jumping up right at the soonest moment the movie is over anyway? You paid to see the movie. Was it that unbearable that you have a physical need to run outside? You're all getting up at the same time, so you're actually going to need to wait in LINE to get OUT of the theater. Why do you want to do that? Maybe watching a few credits will even things out and then maybe the vulture cleaning crew will hold off until I'm actually done watching the film.

Lights on at movies--
Hey, I know we need to worry about shooting spree people everywhere now, but turn off the house lights during the previews please. And yes, I know people are still coming in and looking for their seats, but those people are terrible. MOST people are terrible. MOST people come in 15 minutes after the time on the ticket. MOST people should be put to sleep. You're all the annoyingest moseyingest slack-jawedand should have come to the movie on time when the best part of the movie is on -- the previews. Your lights are in my vision surrounding the screen. Hate.

Moviepass--
Notice I have a lot of hatred for cinema this year. I've been spending more time there thanks to my convenient Moviepass app. Anyway, it broke twice today and their customer service often doesn't work on the app and sometimes they just say "uh, just buy the ticket yourself and then take a picture of your ticket and maybe we'll reimburse you." Okay, well, you don't have a point then.

Stuff on screens--
I probably had too much.

Labor--
Who likes it?

Money--
It never made me happy.

Happiness--
It was never properly defined.

Grief--
It's what I love.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Love's in Jeopardy, Baby

Four years ago, I prepared a list of 100 things to accomplish in my life.

On Monday, I'll be a little closer to accomplishing #7.

Every year I attempt the online test to get on the Jeopardy! TV show. I've done this for four years running I think. But it was this last time (after waiting for an email for several months) that the folks at Jeopardy! finally got back to me.

I'm taking a trip down to Las Vegas on June 23rd for an in-person interview, additional test and mock game to test my ability to know questions to things and provide television-level charisma.

Since this is the beginning of a long-running dream come true, I'm treating this like an important job interview complete with a haircut and new pants from Express (they're real dark denim, so they're kind of like what a yuppie would wear to a job interview).

What I need from you:

1) Interesting facts about myself (part of the paperwork includes a request for five interesting anecdotes to gab with Alex about (even though I'm pretty sure Alex won't be there))

2) All knowledge you have about every subject

I suppose it's a shame I didn't have this opportunity 15 years ago. I was much, much, much, much smarter then.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

the top 90 movies of 2013

Alrighty. As I type this sentence, I'm very nervous at the work I have ahead of me. Since this is the first full year I've had my MoviePass, I've seen a lot more movies than usual. Some of them I had to struggle to remember even seeing.

Every year I have this awkward problem with my list where I don't know what to do with certain movies that I saw this year, but were really just residuals from last year. I've tried making a separate little list of those, but that's lame. I've also put them in the current year's list with their own number, but it's sorta not fair to the more current movies. This year I'm going to try something different. I'll be putting non-2013 (but movies I saw in the theater this year) on the list, but I'm not giving them a number. I'm just gonna stick them where they would be if they actually had a ranking this year (so in summary, there are a few more than 90 movies on this list).

This also includes special presentations of old movies that I saw in the theater (such as Badlands). Those "classics" will be listed with their year of release in curly brackets ({}). Last year's movies (like The Impossible) I'll just put in normal brackets with the obvious date ([2012]).

Some movies were technically released in 2013 (Drinking Buddies for example), but I required other means of viewing them. The viewing method will be listed in parentheses (()).

Alright, let's get this rambling, incoherent blabberfest over with! Huhhehhehheh!





90 The Rambler
Speaking of rambling and incoherent, this film is very suitably named (I admit that I obviously set that one up). The Rambler appeared at Sundance as one of their midnight movies. Unfortunately my Sundance experience of 2013 was wicked disappointing. I can't imagine a drug that would have made this bizarro road trip movie less boring.

89 The Lords of Salem
I never saw Rob Zombie's other horror movies, but I heard this one was pretty different from those. Hopefully this movie is different from every other movie ever. Hopefully this is the only one. For a subject matter of witchcraft, the story became surprisingly stale very very quickly. I've heard that one of the actors in the movie died before filming was completed so much of the plot had to be re-written. I'm guessing that he died after the first day of filming, because the movie limps into a boring cycle, spinning its wheels and never rally advancing much story to my satisfaction. With its weird imagery it's almost like being trapped in a nightmare where the monster you face is boredom.

88 Not Fade Away
This ode to '60s music begins with a re-enactment of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards meeting up on a train and discussing American blues. After I got musically aroused at where it could go from there, the rest of the movie focuses on a whiny kid in America trying in vain to act cool with his own crappy band. Done by the guy who did The Sopranos. I've never seen one episode and unfortunately for what's considered a very good show, I'll never watch an episode of it after seeing this movie (at least not in the next year).

87 Magic Magic
Here's the one other Sundance movie that I saw this year. I do give the film kudos for Michael Cera branching out just a little in his acting (playing a seriously aloof and disturbing weirdo in far less of a comedic way). The rest is a bit joyless. Not that I'm demanding my movies to be happy or anything, but this joylessness doesn't hold my attention the way better joylessness is handled.

86 Lovelace
Pornography is the subject matter of this Linda Lovelace biopic, so how could it be so dang boring? I'm not sure what the movie was trying to say came across very well. The movie seemed to want to herald this woman for speaking out against the industry, but that was only done in the final few seconds of this film. Instead, it seemed that the movie hoped to exploit the character again and then just mention the woman's crusade at the end. Also, plot-wise, Linda's problems seemed to stem exclusively from her scum of a husband rather than the industry itself (most of whom (including The O.C.'s Adam Brody!) seemed to be pretty cool). I guess the filmmakers were perhaps in a handicap in dealing with a true story)

85 Bad Grandpa
You probably saw previews for this and laughed yourself silly. They show the hidden camera capturing peoples' reactions from the exploits of Johnny Knoxville and that bizarre (and very devoted work ethic it seems) kid he calls his grandson. The actual movie, however, is hindered by cramming an actual story that assumes these two people are actually related for the purposes of the movie. Kind of doesn't make sense that they still film it with a hidden camera format. This is especially lame when Grandpa and Kid are just sitting in the car and talking.

84 Salinger
The documentary on the writer seems like something you might see on A&E or whatever. I really would have appreciated a serious examination of the guy's writing and what it is about the writing that makes it so special. Instead we get a look at a lot of people who treat the man more like a tabloid celebrity to be captured on telephoto. Also there's a "mind-blowing" revelation at the end. Spoiler: J.D. willed that some of his writing will be released in a few years.

83 Jobs
This biopic of Steve Jobs features the clever casting of Ashton Kutcher. Unfortunately from the performance and the writing, I came away from the experience that Jobs wasn't just a jerk (which I've obviously heard is totally true), but was also far less intelligent than a normal person (which I'm pretty sure isn't true).

82 Now You See Me
This stupid magic movie tells us that magic happens, but removes us so far from the machinations that the exhilaration is removed. There's also a remarkable twist that nullified the need for any event in the movie to ever have taken place.

81 The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
This stupid magic movie is slightly funnier than the other magic movie (with a drama-recovering Jim Carrey) along with the added benefit of Olivia Wilde. It's hindered, though, by the obnoxiousest of Steve Carell.

80 Pain & Gain
Michael Bay is the worst in a lot of ways. I was looking forward to this one though. Unfortunately the man handles comedy in an even blunter way than he handles action. I'll throw the word joyless around again. I don't know what nightmare Bay lives in where the events, dialogue and attitude of these characters could elicit a laugh at all. Also, I get a deep vibe of dipping in the dual wells of parody and relate-ability. Watching this thing I couldn't tell when it was parody and when it was supposed to be relatable. Pretty sure they were supposed to be at the same time.

79 Oz the Great and Powerful
Okay, they've made a skewed look at the Oz universe with Wicked and stuff. They also couldn't get the rights to use the imagery from the original movie. The movie was handicapped from the beginning. Perhaps those are signs that something shouldn't be made when it's not even able to achieve a derivative status from the original. Mila Kunis wasn't as good as she usually is. I did like how her tears burned her though. That's somethin'.

78 G.I. Joe: Retaliation
I admit that I haven't seen the first one, so I must not have followed everything. Also, when I was going over my list, I had to stop and think for 30 seconds about whether or not I actually saw this movie. I did. I guess.

77 Kick-Ass 2
I think they did a pretty good job of making a sequel that embodied everything that was the first movie took jabs at.

76 21 & Over
In this drinking comedy the heroes at one point need to drink a gallon of milk. That was my favorite part. I guess the movie wasn't super good.

75 Movie 43
This anthology of comedy is perplexing. Most of it is absolutely terrible, but they somehow got people like Naomi Watts, Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet to be in it. Pretty much the whole time I watched it, my mind was flooded with whatever kind of blackmail they had on these people. I think Movie 43 is on Netflix now. If you watch it, consider skipping to the sketch with Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts home-schooling their kid. It's absolutely sickening, but probably my favorite one.

74 Sharknado (television)
I don't need to tell you about this because I know that we all saw it.

73 Girl Most Likely
I was about to write that I feel bad for Kristen Wiig for starring in this sub-par arrested development comedy, but I don't feel bad for her. The movie was so absolutely forgettable that nobody will remember she ever did it.

72 NO
I know this movie is better than #72, but perhaps I caught it when I was in no mood to read Spanish subtitles. The movie details the ad campaign that helped unseat Pinochet (I think) in Chile. I think the advertisers decided to start a revolution by throwing everybody off with non-revolutionary propaganda.

71 Identity Thief
Rex Reed famously got in hot water for his negative review of this movie for seemingly targeting the weight of Melissa McCarthy. In a really weird way he was right. The movie's emphasis is on the woman's appearance rather than her amazing comedy.

70 The To Do List
I don't hate Aubrey Plaza as much as I seem to. I usually tend to think her talents lie in other projects than the ones she tends to star in. Actually, she should never star in anything. She's wonderful as a side character, but her side character persona is just not matched to be the protagonist in anything. Also, this movie has super weak writing that awkwardly struggles to point out that it's a '90s period piece. Also it's gross and not funny. I think this should have appeared in a less flattering spot on the list.

69 We're the Millers
A bunch of comedies in a row. I love Sudeikis, but this one just wasn't that funny either.

68 The Counselor
Fassbender is a terrific leading man and I have a very real crush on him. This movie didn't really say much, though. I think Ridley Scott wanted to try new levels of restraint to say more, but it sort of backfired.

67 Saving Mr. Banks
Emma Thompson is charming and I love her, but I couldn't say I grew to love her character of the person who created the character of Mary Poppins. The whole situation didn't make sense to me. It's the story of how Disney charmed her into giving up the rights to the character for the movie, and every suggestion they brought to the movie was shot down by her. Weirdly everything I know about Mary Poppins is something she hated, so it was impossible to figure out how everybody in the movie was talking about these great books she wrote when all they wanted to do was change everything. It doesn't help that upon further research the real-life woman never came around on liking the movie. Oh, and also every ten minutes it goes into some very tired flashbacks of Colin Farrell in Australia.

66 48 Hour Film Project Awards
Our movie wasn't in this. See #53.

Beasts of the Southern Wild [2012]
This was a big big movie from last year. It looked GORGEOUS, but i'm sad to say that I didn't really get it. Seemed to be about a girl's father who told her to punch things whenever he woke up.

65 Mama
The chick who nabbed bin Laden was in this horror movie about a weird shadowy creature that looks like a Nazgul who kidnaps children. I'd rank it higher, but my soulless nature prevents me from getting scared in movies nowdays.

64 Out of the Furnace
Best part about this movie? There's a part where Woody Harrelson head butts Christian Bale (or maybe it's the other way around). I choose to believe that this is because Matthew McConaughey head butts Christian Bale in Reign of Fire (remember that movie? dragons!) and Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey played brothers in EdTV. That was the best part.

The Impossible [2012]
This was a good movie from last year (maybe, if I remember correctly). There's a storm and it's inspiring.

63 The Bling Ring
The more I think about this movie, the more I think that I find it so unsatisfying because the real-life events were so unsatisfying. Could the line between vanity and lawlessness really be that thin? Isn't there more to it than that? Hermione was really really good in it though.

62 Machete Kills
I think the joke of Machete Kills is how often absurd twists can happen in a single movie. After the fifth comedic twist, the chuckles fade. Robert Rodriguez does give us the courtesy of guiding where the movie is going with a fake trailer for the next trailer so we can brace for the ridiculousness.

61 Grudge Match
The boxing match in this movie is called "Grudgement Day" which would have been a much better title. I think the best reason to watch the movie is to have a drinking game with all the Rocky references (but you have to drink a glass full of raw eggs).

60 Olympus Has Fallen
It's like Die Hard, except it's in a building. Haha. Only I find that funny. It's on Netflix now. The best part of it takes place on the White House lawn. Skip to that part I think.

59 Austenland
I'm technically a man, so really there's no way I'm legally able to put Austenland lower than 45 or so. I rather enjoyed the movie while I watched it, but it kind of grated on me after it sat with me. Keri Russell is wonderful, but a minor cheat in character and editing to misdirect the audience really offended me. I also got the impression that Jennifer Coolidge's ad libs were crammed in rather than organic.

58 Ender's Game
I've thankfully gotten somewhat over one of my favorite childhood books in order to prep me for the simply underwhelming movie adaptation. Obviously over the years I've imagined how the adaptation would be, and hoped certain things wouldn't get cut. Unfortunately, the movie could have stood to lose a few more points and characters than were actually brought to screen. It would have brought a bit more loneliness to the character. A few more low angles would have helped with the child's perspective as well. The stupid music played incessantly through the whole stupid picture so we never got a chance to feel the main character's thoughts without it being driven into us.

57 Pacific Rim
I can't complain. I guess the movie delivered on its giant robots vs. giant monsters premise. Would have been nicer if said battles didn't take place at night so much. With the robots piloted by two synchronized pilots that share a consciousness of sorts, the movie became more like Dance Dance Revolution: The Movie.

56 Man of Steel
I don't know what Snyder did to Michael Shannon, but Zod was waaaay too subdued in this thing. It's very weird, but as much as I make fun of Superman Returns, I honestly miss it a bit after seeing Man of Steel.

55 Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
Whoops. This shouldn't actually be on here. I only saw the first half hour before the power went out in the theater. The first half hour was way less funny than it thought it was though (exactly like the first movie).

54 Prince Avalanche (Netflix)
This has some pretty good Paul Rudd moments. It's sort of weirdly serious. There may be a sort of dream-like apocalypse going on in the background and that makes things interesting. It's liked more by critics than by normal people. If you only sort of like it, don't worry. That's normal.

53 48 Hour Film Project Group Whatever I Was In
This is that movie contest my friends and I do every year where you get two days to make a film right after learning what the film's requirements are.We didn't make the best of for like the third or fourth year in a row. Yeah, well we sometimes sorta have fun while doing it. I will say that most of the other entries have better technique, but tend to be astonishingly dull. Here's ours.

52 Kon Tiki
I'll be honest. When we met at the Broadway Theatre for the 48 Hour Film Project, I went a few hours early to check my Twitter. Since I had MoviePass I picked a movie to get out of the sun from and this was it. I sort of gather that it's about a perilous journey of a bunch of guys on a boat.

51 The Sapphires
This movie has some charm -- mostly supplied by Chris O'dowd. Australian Aboriginal girls singing '60s Motown. I guess such a premise couldn't possibly go wrong.

Oscar Nominated Documentary Shorts [2012]
The week of the Oscars, the Tower usually shows some of the short films nominated so that us commoners will have some kind of investment in the categories we usually have no idea about. I totally feel that the documentary short that won at the Oscars was nice, but seemed far more contrived than a couple of the other efforts I witnessed.

50 Trance
I'll always give Danny Boyle a pass. This weird modern noir is weirdly sleazy. One of the main plot points is... ah never mind. It's sleazy. Sort of good fun. Sleazy.

49 What Maisie Knew
This little film from the point of view of a little girl caught between a vindictive custody battle had the vision that Ender's Game should have had. Steve Coogan is great. He's always great. It's always nice to meet a new crush. This time it's Joanna Vanderham.

Promised Land [2012]
This one's a good-ish movie I saw last year. The guy from the office smirks a lot. There is a weird twist that's fortunate for the protagonist to realize he's the protagonist.

Life of Pi [2012]
The real dramatic telling of this movie was spoiled for me when we read this for book club, but I didn't actually read the book so I had someone tell me the dramatic part. I get the feeling that I needed to get that part fresh (at least once) to really latch onto the story.

48 In a World
My good friend Jeremy helped me get annoyed with Lake Bell, of whom I had no quarrel with before our conversation. He can really be a jerk like that. The movie is charming enough, but kind of needed someone more magnetic than Bell to prove the point that girls are just as engaging as boys at certain things (in this case, talking over a movie trailer).

47 Monsters University
This wasn't a super good movie from Pixar, but hey, we got way more than our money's worth out the place over the years. I really would have loved loved loved it though if the Steve Buscemi character stayed good the whole time, so his character in Monsters Inc. would be inexplicably bad. It wouldn't be super unbelievable. Lots of people I went to college with are inexplicably evil these days.

46 Oblivion
Standard sci-fi film. I didn't mind the visuals as the sci-fi stereotypes rolled out.

Badlands {1973}
This is the first Terence Malick film from forever ago. I saw it at the Tower at a late night throwback weekend showing. The thing looked beautiful, but I can't say I found it engaging. Tragically, the great Terrence Malick showed me my least favorite weekend Tower movie of the year.

45 Captain Phillips
I don't like the title. There I said it. The story happens over a few days so the title shouldn't sound like it's some guy's life story. The movie is plenty good, but there is one issue I have plot-wise. I haven't researched it, so maybe it happened that way in real life -- unfortunately it doesn't seem to make sense to me in the movie. That's another case on this list of real life interfering with good storytelling.

44 Thor: The Dark World
This movie is okay. I'm playfully on the comic book movies bandwagon. Now we can legitimately call them comic book movies because they're behaving like actual comic books -- with their own plot lines that occasionally carry over into an expanded universe. I can safely say that Thor is the plotline I'm least interested in, yet a nice vacation into Marvel-land is always time I enjoy.

43 A.C.O.D.
This is the last movie Adam Scott can safely get away with his stressed out double-take face.

42 The Conjuring
Went to this with my boss. We were both hoping for scarier. I can see why many people like this one more than Paranormal Activity and Insidious, but I sort of feel that this one is a (successful) combination of the two, but lacks the extremes in tone that the other two achieve.

41 Much Ado About Nothing
It's cool to put Shakespeare in a modern setting, but there's always the danger of the language seeming more out of place than usual. I think the cast got halfway there. The modern home environment made it a bit more accessible, but at the same time the translation needed to be hammered down a little more.

40 Closed Circuit
This one made my top 40 because it was fun to learn a little bit about British law. There's actually a time in the trial where some of them ceremoniously remove their wigs. I'd also like to make out with Rebecca Hall. I like to hope that we'll have a delightful laughter-filled discussion for a good couple of hours after we make out too.

39 Frances Ha
My buddy Jeremy also made me dislike this movie a little after discussing it with him. That's fine, and the movie's still fine. The film is really a young woman's Woody Allen, which I don't get angry about. I tend to give movies points for displaying anxiety on the screen. The most refreshing aspect is that the movie focuses on a platonic relationship on the verge of breaking up, which is a refreshing perspective to look at.

38 Iron Man 3
Shane Black has a weird fascination with Christmas. That's fine, because it was nice to have some wintery scenes in this summer blockbuster. I remember liking it, but I don't remember too much about it. I'm kind of thinking that in a few years the reviled Iron Man 2 may possibly be more fondly remembered.

37 The Kings of Summer
Alison Brie is the main kid's sister and I almost think it's fake that he didn't want to make out with his own sister in the movie. I'm just saying that Alison Brie is attractive, that's all. The movie is a coming of age charmer with the weird short bully from Ender's Game playing the weird nice kid here (which is jarring).

36 Stoker
Visually arresting, this movie didn't completely grab me. The camera did some amazing things, but I'm not sure if the problem is because the style of the director (the Asian who did the original Oldboy I think) doesn't translate well into an American setting or if it was written by the star of Prison Break.

35 Fast & Furious 6
This is by far the fourth best of the franchise. My favorite part is how the plane taking off seemed to be on a circular racetrack for 17 minutes.

Oscar Nominated Animated Shorts [2012]
My favorite animated short had to do with a sort of macabre stop motion concept of a guy making guacamole. Go look it up. Trust me, it's alright. The disney one was pretty astounding of course. That one got the Oscar.

34 Antiviral (Netflix)
It's nice to know that when David Cronenberg dies, his son is right there to pick up the mantle of king of body horror. This movie is about a sad cough-y future where normal people pay top dollar for celebrity disease.

33 Enough Said
James Gandolfini is very huggable in this and he and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss have a wonderful time of things. If I were Julia Louis-Dreyfuss I probably wouldn't be so quick to advise the neighbor girl to lose her cherry though.

32 Sightseers
I barely remember this, but this one's a great combination of awkward social situations and psychotic horror.

31 The Wolverine
This is easily the second-worst movie called Wolverine. I really dig how the whole movie took place in Japan. I liked that sort of intimacy. The other refreshing thing was how he wasn't betrayed by one of his girlfriends even though I was totally expecting it to happen.

30 Elysium
Let's be honest. The story was shallow and just plain sucked. Jodie Foster and some of the other acting was atrocious, but at least it was entertainingly atrocious. Lots of people said similar negativity for the action sequences, but I actually really dug them.

Dazed and Confused {1993}
I saw this movie for the first time at the Tower. Can you believe that? This might be the final high school period piece. For some reason, making a film that calls back to 2001 doesn't seem to work.

29 2 Guns
I wouldn't even say acting goes a long way. More importantly, charisma goes a long way and Denzel and Marky Mark have a lot of that. Well, Marky Mark has it half the time. When he's asked to have fun, I truly believe it. On the other hand when he needs to be serious, it really does seem like he's talking to animals.

28 Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain
Stand up comedy special. Yes, stand up comedy specials are films, especially when they're shown at the cinema. Little dude is pretty funny. I was kind of hoping that more people would be yelling back at the screen when I saw this, but I went pretty late in its run.

27 Side Effects
The twist halfway through this movie is just about the hilariousest turnaround ever. It's like you're getting a lecture on the pharmaceutical companies and then the chick giving the lecture takes off her glasses and shakes her hair. The movie strangely has fun with both sides of it.

26 World War Z
No zombie movie can ever be in my top ten again. This one did some things right though. Not everything, but I certainly liked it more than anticipated. No boredom and it mixed things up with a loud zombie genre toward the beginning and loud zombie genre toward the end.

25 Rifftrax Live: Night of the Living Dead
Zombies again. These movie commentary sessions are movies in themselves! I almost didn't include them but the hilarity of the Rifftrax guys pointing out that The Night of the Living Dead "is really more of a carpentry movie" is pretty hilarious.

24 Rifftrax Live: Starship Troopers
This one was slightly more funny than the Night of the Living Dead one.

23 The Place Beyond the Pines
Interesting structure, with really the three acts becoming more like three short stories with small links between the three. They progressively get worse, but there's some good stuff in there.

22 Star Trek Into Darkness
As a Star Trek nerd I'm not angry because they didn't abide by canon, I'm mad that they didn't stray from it enough. I've said PLENTY on this one in Facebook posts and SEVERAL podcasts. So I'll only conclude with this: it's awesome that Sherlock stole the villainous purple duster before he got in his epic fist fight.

21 Only God Forgives
When I first saw this disturbing nightmarish cesspool of a film, I thought "Huh. Yeah, I totally understand why this was totally boo'ed at Cannes." But then this sucker stayed with me. Those brilliant fluorescent lights and wicked top-down fist fights are wicked cool. It's a nightmare, but it's sleek.

20 Don Jon
I'm impressed with Joseph Gordon-Leavitt for choosing a weirdly porny topic for his first movie. I'm more impressed that he took a few scathing shots at both sides of the relationship equations.

Anna Kerenina [2012]
This curiosity from Joe Wright is... well, check it out. There's a bizarre experimental filming technique involving bringing the sprawling epic into more of a play -- with some very delicate camera work.

Cloud Atlas [2012]
Very long, but doesn't seem long. Hugh Grant's best acting ever. Weird, but if it's too weird, don't worry, it switches to a different storyline plenty rapidly.

Flight [2012]
A fantastic 2012 film that I take to mean accepting responsibility no matter who's looking after you.

Amour [2012]
I hated watching every second of this, but every second of it was agonizingly beautiful. Please see it so you understand and also so I don't have to be the only one to deal with it.

Wreck-It Ralph [2012]
You've seen this. It's good, right?

 The Terminator {1984}
Another weekend at the Tower! The most arresting and the most telling thing James Cameron ever did. The tight budget only helps him rely on tension rather than theatrics.

19 The Spectacular Now
I really loved the angle toward realism in this picture. All the kids aren't fully innocent or villainous, but they're full characters. Sure, Miles Teller has a weird face, but the kid is genuine. I wasn't blown away as I watched this, but it was a slow build and it certainly sat well with me.

18 The Wolf of Wall Street
This was the final movie I saw of 2013. I sort of wish the movie was a bit more of a takedown piece than it was. I'm pretty sure Scorsese wants us to see this immoral behavior and take issue with it, but the movie sort of has the opposite vibe. In the meantime though, the movie certainly clips along (at three hours!) and there are lots of funny moments.

17 American Hustle
Ultimately, I think I prefer the faux-Scorsese movie to the actual Scorsese movie. American Hustle does hurt itself slightly by being far more character-driven than plot-driven, which tends to make it not fit together as well as desired. However, the '70s vibe gushes out all over the place crowning with Jennifer Lawrence's perfectly coifed curls (and Amy Adams' aversion to any sort of fabric on her front torso). The surprising highlight is Louis C.K. as the most undeserving victim in any movie ever.

16 The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
And two Jennifer Lawrences in a row! So far, I'd say the movies are better than the books. A real weird combination of dystopian sci-fi and disturbing fantasy is really apparent in this Panem world. Nice to see the camera's somewhat stopped having a seizure as well.

15 20 Feet From Stardom
This is that flick about back up singers. I sort of wish the movie did a better job of emphasizing that we don't need to think of any kind of singer on some kind of elite scale in comparison with lead singers. On the other hand, the movie goes through some awesome musical history with some great interviews. It's always nice to hear brilliant songs differently after hearing them for so many years.

14 Dallas Buyer's Club
McConaughey and Leto were both terrific in crazy transformative ways. The history of the AIDS epidemic was very interesting too. (While I waited for this movie to start, I caught 20 minutes of Blue Is the Warmest Color. Hoo boy. Let's just say when those chicks were finally finished, the audience in the theater erupted into applause.)

13 About Time
The preview for this thing bugged me, but I saw this one anyway. Silly sci-fi concept aside, the film adequately tugs at the 'ol Love, Actually heartstrings and gets you to smile and look forward to love, life and the future. Ugh. That sounded cheesy. Somehow, the cheese in About Time works.

12 The Heat
Is it weird that I find Sandra Bullock very funny? Well, Melissa McCarthy is definitely funny, and I laughed. It's a comedy. What else do I need to say? Oh, but see here's an example where McCarthy is actually used right (unlike Identity Thief).

 Zero Dark Thirty [2012]
It's a movie that came out last year. It won lots of awards. You know! Bin Laden!

11 Drinking Buddies (iTunes)
I had to actually seek this one out online because I liked the idea of the concept and don't think it ever played here. The movie focuses on the tricky work relationships that blur the lines between personal and professional. We tend to spend more time with people at work than people at home and there are consequences and pluses. The movie didn't disappoint and actually explored further than I anticipated. Also, Olivia Wild is sharp on her toes and is pretty great in this.

Argh. Two minutes to midnight. I'm posting as-is right now.

10 Upstream Color
This mind-bender is very confusing, but fortunately it doesn't so much ask what you think of it, it asks more how you feel about it. I suppose the strange sci-fi nature is just an excuse for us to consider the positives and negatives of how our personalities wrap around each other over time.

9 This Is the End
I really laughed at lots of this Armageddon comedy. Kind of weird that they used such a big concept as an excuse to get a bunch of buddies friend-sult one another, but it really works when they get going.

8 The World's End
Ultimately, though, THIS Armageddon friend comedy is the one I respect more. Edgar Wright's extremely meticulous direction and layered structure brings his comedy up to a respectable as well as hilarious level. Also, the guy actually has a lot to say and even within the crazy bombast, he says the most very subtly. I'm looking forward to seeing this one again.

Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Adaptation {1989}
This little flick really blew my mind. In the 80s a couple of kids saw Raiders of the Lost Ark and decided to do a shot for shot remake of it. You can only see this when one of them tours around with it. It's kind of considered a rarity in the movie festival scene or something. Anyway, it's amazing. I thought the original movie was amazing until I saw these kids doing the same things for real (lighting themselves on fire, getting dragged behind a truck, etc.). It blows my mind that they made this thing way before the YouTube world. It's corny of me to say, but it's a lovely testament to the young passion of filmmaking or passion for anything, really.

7 Blue Jasmine
Woody Allen! I'm a big fan. I doubt a ton of people would be super fans of this film, though. We're sort of asked to take pity on a conceited snob who fell out of a bit of money. The film starts light, but like many Allen movies, the small bits of lightness really start weighing down in the end.

6 Inside Llewyn Davis
I wouldn't have been able to tell this is a Coen brothers movie without the opening credits. I can't say I even know what this movie is about without just saying it's about a week of this abrasive musician's life. Usually if someone is a jerk in a movie I tune out and lose interest in the character. I'm often surprised when other people are able to retain their sympathies for such people. In this case, though, I guess I could relate to how much of a jerk this guy is. I still had the sympathy. I can totally see most people not feeling for the guy, though. I'm not sure what that means. I guess when nobody's perfect, they relate to different imperfections. The music, though. The music really is quite wonderful.

5 Mud
McConaughey. He's doing some great stuff lately. I bet he's one of the happiest people in America right now because he's an actor who's quite suddenly in a position to land all these really fun and different roles. It's a smaller part, but Michael Shannon is really awesome in this movie as well (as a guy who's much cooler than Zod). But really, here's another coming of age story and I truly believed these kids' world.

4 Gravity
As one tweet put it, it should be called Grabbin' At Handles: The Movie. I'm sorry if you didn't see this in IMAX, because I doubt it can be seen any other way. Lots of people say that for blockbusters of all types, but this one's different. The scale required is especially important. I know there were some complaints about the writing of this one, but the film obviously needs to be felt and not heard.

3 The Way Way Back
Okay, fine this is my last movie on the list involving a boy's coming of age. Sam Rockwell is his usual charming self, but the movie does an amazing job in chipping away at the charm for some different and less clown-ish layers. Steve Carell is wonderful as the villainous stepdad. I want him to do more stuff like this because I'll go on a shooting spree if he does more of his charming moron schtick. Anyway, this movie was such a pleasant summer spectacle in a sea of bright noise.

2 12 Years A Slave
Okay, on one of my podcasts I think I complained about this movie and those complaints are still valid. The 19th century dialogue often sounds a bit unnatural with many of the actors and there might be a little too much lingering on a few dramatic torture methods. But the movie's great. Obviously. I may be cold in saying this, but what I remember most are the visuals of the thing. They're very mesmerizing. I think most of it takes place in Louisiana and it almost looks like a Dr. Seuss land. The most dramatic aspect is the non-drama. The way the movie shows life carry on in the midst of atrocity is far scarier than pausing for a swelling of emotion.

1 Before Midnight
There you have it. You should have guessed Before Midnight would be at the top. This thing wrecked me in a way I don't even know. Is there any other third movie in a trilogy that's actually better than the two that preceded it? I'm amazed that the intriguing combination of tight structure and loose improvisation yields something so natural I actually feel the weight of it in my seat. This movie has the added benefit over the other two of drawing on a further backstory, as well as more characters for more viewpoints. I'm trying to sound smart here, but I can't really. Before Midnight does it right though. Jesse and Celine's world turns on a dime so easily. It seems so natural and so obvious. And that scares the hell out of me.

Hey! As an added bonus for making it all the way through the list here is the ticket stub breakdown of the theaters I visited in the past year. Some movies I saw twice.

Cinemark Farmington: 1
Majestic Cinemas Idaho: 1
Park City Egyptian Theatre: 1
Park City Jim Santy Auditorium: 1
Park City Library: 1
Thanksgiving Point: 1
Wynnsong at Riverwoods: 1
Brewvies: 3
Jordan Commons: 3
Legacy Crossing: 3
Sugarhouse Movies 10: 3
Valley Fair Megaplex: 5
Tower Theatre: 9
Gateway: 14
Broadway: 26
Century 16: 29


Monday, December 23, 2013

Airing of Grievances 2013

It's Festivus. Here's hoping I get the list in on time.

Watering down condiments --
Apparently we're like 90% water. That's why I don't like my condiments watered down. I need to get some non-water in me. Plus, I mean, really. It just doesn't work. It makes the sandwich all soggy, it's got no taste and I mean how rude is that? The pump thing isn't clear so I don't know if I'm gonna get my sandwich all wet. It's like they give you a sandwich or a hot dog and then they provide the means for ruining it as well. It's pure sadism. Sure I understand their excuse. They water stuff down to make the product go further. Well you can't make a sandwich longer by pouring water on it.

The weather --
At this time I usually complain about the snow, but now I'd like to be fair to the other times of year. All the weather sucks. We often forget in the middle of winter how absolutely terrible and swassy the middle of summer is. It's also really bright and scaldy and the sun doesn't leave you alone until 9pm. Winter of course is still worse than the worst. The only thing worse than the heat is the cold. It's often coupled with the cold wet and the cold car breaking. Spring and autumn are lovely, but also terrible too because it's often so perfect that you feel guilty for not enjoying the weather more.

Treating me like an adult --
I hate being treated like a child, but I'm sick of people asking me to do things and live my life as if I'm actually a functional adult. I'm not. Stop expecting things from me and stop using more than two sentences at a time when talking to me.

Media --
I love movies more than anybody, which is why I hate having access to every movie ever at any time of the day on any device. The things I watch are no longer things I long for. They're just there and getting as boring as air.

Air --
I just can't get enough of it. Do we really need to breathe? Why did God evolve us this way or whatever? I mean we eat and drink to bring good stuff into our body, why do we need air too? What if we just had one thing that made us go like a remote controlled car, or an iPod? I say we switch to electricity.

DVR controls --
The Comcast DVR control often doesn't play when you rewind for some reason. It's extremely hard to get back to the same place if you fast forward too far and it kind of takes just as long as if you just watched the commercials. It's a media conspiracy to wear us down so that we don't bother fast forwarding the commercials.

Apps that promote connectivity --
Lots of apps like podcasting apps want me to stream directly from the internet rather than downloading for later. This is another conspiracy to get me to go over my data plan. AT&T seriously pays developers to encourage more streaming so that I'll use the internet in the wild and away from my established wireless connection. I'm not crazy. I truly believe this.

The Following commercials --
I'm not starting a list here. Notice the italics. First of all, The Following is a bland, lame name for a TV show. Second of all, their "mind-blowing" tagline in the commercials -- "The greatest trick the devil pulled is convincing the world that he didn't exist" -- is the most played out dramatic line that's ever been stolen from some hippie preacher somewhere or perhaps The Usual Suspects.

Stupid non-silence --
I hate the silence. But I also hate the non-silence, which is why I'm typing up this list while late night syndicated reruns and there are only 17 minutes of Festivus left and I'm in danger of not finishing the airing of grievances on time.

People --
Since one of the reruns I just saw was the Festivus episode of Seinfeld, I'm reminded that the original Airing of Grievances list by Frank didn't dwell on material things, but emphasized the disappointment of people. And people are disappointing. All of you are disappointing. We are expected to be perfect and you're not perfect. It's only human of course, and humanity is disappointing.

HBO theme at the start of their shows --
Okay, HBO actually ripped off one of the themes of Rocky. I'm not talking about the "getting strong now" or whatever it is training song, but the symphonic theme that plays right when the fight is over in the first movie when Rocky actually goes the distance. You know the "na na naaaa na na na na na naaa na na na naaa na na na na na naaaaa na na na" part.

My inability to adequately describe musical phrases using prose writing.
"na na naaaa na na na na na naaa na na na naaa na na na na na naaaaa na na na"

Me --
Every year I try to make note of all the terrible things I deal with constantly. I'm always annoyed -- like a Jewish mother -- and I dumbly don't dwell on the annoyances long enough to output them to my annual grievance list. Instead of my deepest darkest grievances I'm stuck with writing the things that are only bugging me at this very moment -- which is only one thirty one millionth of the entire year. My list is what I look forward to and I'm always disappointed in it. It was nice that the Festivus episode was on while I was typing it this time, though.