only the important facts

During free moments I like to see if there are any new interesting/important items at chucknorrisfacts.com. If you've been there, you know it's a cornucopia of useful information, but it's incredibly bloated.

As a public service, I've compiled the very most important Chuck Norris facts below. FYI, the really bad ones are toward the end, just so you know.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, "I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!" Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, "ChuckNorris" ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!

Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own two hands.

Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.

Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.