festivus exitus

So Festivus 2006 ended a few hours ago. Now for the Airing of Grievances.

The Carl's Junior on State Street and 2nd: Why do you always "run out of ice cream" whenever we go through the drive-thru? Don't make us go in there and talk to you face-to-face for our shakes (because that's the only way you'll give them to us). We don't want to deal with you (just like you don't want to deal with us). You're in a prime location. Be nice to your customers. At least give them what they pay for.

The Teriyaki Stix in East Bay: I realize that you run out of curry half the time I go there, but the day you ran out of rice really floored me. Rice. Seriously. You're a freaking Japanese restaurant. How is that even possible? You should always have a silo of rice on hand. And also, if you don't have the curry, you should charge me the curry price for whatever I order instead. I don't just order the curry because it's the nicest thing on the menu.

All Wendy's everywhere: If you're not going to put ketchup in my to-go bag, at least ask me if I want any. You could also ask me if I want the salt you insist on putting in the bag every single time. Just so you know, I don't want the salt and never will.

The lights in my house: You burn out too much and the ceiling is way to tall to replace you. What, do you think I'm made of tallness?

People I drive with on the freeway every single day: Okay, just so you know, here's the breakdown of what speed you should drive. Left lane -- 80 mph. Middle lane -- 75 mph. Right lane -- 70 mph. There. It's solidified. It's no longer arbitrary. Stop going 68 in the left lane. It's insulting and impractical. And those of you who still insist on tailgating me while i'm hitting 83 -- get over yourselves. What? Are you in labor or something? Your job or affair or vacation can wait six seconds.

People who bring their babies to the movie theater: Do you honestly think you have a right to even see movies any more? Yeah, I know sitters can be expensive, but your lives are over. Deal with it. Don't make our lives over too. I don't want to have to make your kid an orphan. The kid deserves to go to the movies when he's old enough and not with you. Oh, and if you're still insisting on doing it, don't sit in the middle aisles. Sit on the crappy side aisles.

All restaurant servers in this state: I know it's really really really hard to divide the check between ten people, but it's nearly impossible for the people eating to do it without a check dividing computer and a credit card reader like you have. We know you can do it, so be nice and at least ask us if we'd like it divided. No more of this sneaking a single check in just because there's a chance that somehow one person is somehow going to pay for the entire meal. You know very very well that's not the case. Also, Don't blow me off when I eat alone. Yeah, I'm not trying to impress anyone and yeah, a generous tip on a single eight dollar meal would only be two bucks; but for crying out loud don't just leave me sitting there unhelped for twenty freaking minutes.

Our mailman: Stop reading our magazines and delivering them a month later. Also, being a mailman requires you to not only bring us mail, but also take mail we leave for you to deliver. It's almost as important.

Will Ferrell: For some reason, you're not funny in movies. I really liked you on Saturday Night Live, but in movies... nope.

Snow Patrol: I'm so freaking sick of your song and I haven't even heard it all the way through.

My computer: The printer doesn't work. Everything connected by USB needs drivers installed on every use. Things run slow. Second Life lags and then the controls get taken over and my avatar walks into the ocean. What's up? Why don't you cooperate with me? I could go get a Mac you know.

Janice Dickinson: How did you get on every single channel from 53-59?

Radio From Hell: I would listen to anybody else who had dry humor such as yours, but somehow, somehow, didn't talk about themselves 95% of the time. And as for that time when I emailed and asked what show that Gilmore Girls parody audio drop you used once came from and you emailed me back and told me to listen to Radio From Hell On Demand in order to hear it again? Screw you. I know your contracts may be up soon and you might take your show on the road somewhere. I just can't wait to see how well of a reception you receive in any other market in the entire world.

CSI: Are you really the most watched show on TV, because I don't know anybody who watches you.

I got more. I know I do, but Festivus has passed and I'm already well into Christmas Eve. Do you have an Airing of Grievances? Do tell. Please.

souls dissed

So I guess today is the winter solstice...

I've always considered it the happiest day of the year...

Because things can only look up after you spend your time in the maximum amount of darkness.

Look alive, the light is coming again.

Better sacrifice a virgin just to be safe though.

bring on the greed!

For the past several years I've kind of skipped out on getting my loved ones a meaningful Christmas, mostly because I didn't have the means. Instead I told my family and friends I loved them by telling them what I would have gotten them. Check it out here. This year I could've been thoughtful, but decided not to. Now I have the means, but who has time for loved ones? I'm always either financially or emotionally negligent.

I just got back from doing all my shopping. I did it all in one place and I put very little thought into what I got for people (as many of you will soon see). 'Tis a shame I suppose since last year's gifts were pretty dang cool.

Anyway, just because I haven't been thoughtful, it doesn't mean you don't have to be! Here's a list of some surprisingly thoughtful things you can get for me.


1. Nintendo Wii

Yeah, I know I told everybody I wanted a PS3, but that's only because the good folks at Insomniac, my favorite game developer, are making games exclusively for Sony. I switched over to the Wii when I saw how Nintendo used a goofy gimmick to inject a sort of social party aspect to video games. Maybe I can get some exercise with this thing. Plus I'm saving you all money. PS3s are like 300 bucks more expensive.



2. Numark BP Battle Pak

Yeah, I plan on laying down some freaky beats. Also the turntable I normally use is 20 years old. I've got lots of vinyl just aching to be spun.



3. Zune

One of these days I'm going to get an iPod, but until that day and as long as you're buying me gifts, I'd love to see how well one of these things works.


4. Yamaha CPX700 Acoustic-Electric Guitar

If my life is less than ideal, I think I can safely say that the reason for that would be that I don't actually play or own a guitar (specifically this cool blue number that plugs easily into amps while retaining the gorgeously intimate experience of an acoustic guitar).

5. Quad Core Mac Pro

Yeah, so I hate Macs, but they do do photos, video editing and publishing lots better than my PC. Also the computer I'm typing at right now is riddled with problems caused by viruses and spyware I don't know how to solve (like how to add a stupid picture of a Mac to this stupid entry (actually, it's probably blogger's fault).

6. Shadow Mica Scion Xb

Hey what a cute little clown car! I still want one of these. It's the only car I can stand up in. I also would like it tricked out to include a new Prius plug-in electrical hybrid engine and a front bench seat.

EDIT: 7. Guitar Hero II for Playstation 2

I can't believe I forgot I want this! If I can't have a guitar... I mean if I can't play a guitar, I should at least get this game. I should at least be able to pretend to wail on the guitar like a ninja after a fresh kill. I'm too lazy to put a link up. Just go to Target or something and pick it up and I'll be happy.

If you're feeling cheap, feel free to get me something on my Christmas wishlist from 2004 or last year (with the exceptions of Home Movies Seasons 1-4, M*A*S*H Season 4, Music from the O.C. Mix #2 on cd, Interpol: Antics on cd, Dance Dance Revolution for the PS2, Karaoke Revolution for the PS2, snowboard boots, basketball shoes, New Order: A Collection on dvd, bathrobe, customized Converse shoes, Star Wars Battlefront II for PS2, PS2 controller, The Klingon Dictionary, Auto Repair for Dummies and Fargo Rock City)

Seriously though, the hardest part about shopping is trying as hard as I possibly can not to buy all the stuff I want. It's not hard to shop for me. I like so much stuff. If something has anything to do with Star Trek or ninjas or synthesisers or animation, I probably won't throw it on the ground and jump on it when you give it to me.

new york city by the pictures

Okay, this one wasn't actually taken in New York. It's at the Cincinnati airport. I thought it was a very funny and disturbing sign.

I think that tiny little Island may have had the Statue of Liberty on it. Not sure. I totally thought it was Ellis Island and the statue was right there, but the plane kept flying for ten minutes after I took the photo.

This of course is Rockefeller Center. You can kind of see the surfing Apollo or Greek god or whatever it is at the head of the skating rink. Also notice the Christmas tree. Both the rink and the tree are way smaller than we thought.

This cheesecake sampler from room service cost Maria's company 20 bucks.

And right in the center of it all "IS THE MILFORD PLAZA!"

That's our hotel right there. We should have gotten a discount with all the ad space.

Here's NYU, or at least a flag from it. A funny thing happened at NYU. I'll tell you later.

There's the Empire State Building. I know it looks Photoshopped in, but it's just a nostalgic-looking picture. Also notice the nifty cathedral. I loved the cathedrals in the middle of the city. It reminded me of... home.

The sign out front of the Museum of Cartoon and Comic Art. I had to ask three people how to get there before finding this sign.

I did go into Macy's and it was a ginormous headache. Some of the escalators were still made of wood.

We stopped here by chance on the way to Jersey Boys. Turns out (I think) it's the same restaurant frequented by Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm. The only episode of that show I ever saw was the one where he goes into this restaurant trying to get his name on one of the sandwiches. All the sandwiches in the place were named after celebrities. We ordered the "Bette Midler," or as our waiter knows it, "#6." It was salmon on pumpernickel. Pretty gross.

The view from the hotel suite. Glitzy.

That's me in front of the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

I love this license plate. It's a Mets plate with a Jets border. My worst nightmare came true taking this photo when the owner came out wondering what I was doing. He was cool though.

I'm pretty sure Mendy's (lousy picture, sorry) is the restaurant in Seinfeld where Banya keeps pestering Jerry to take him.

Yeah, there's a ferris wheel inside the Toys R Us at Times Square.

Here's us at Times Square right in front of the Hotel about to get into a cab.

Bye New York! See you in March or so.

hoping to bump into woody allen

Last Friday was Woody Allen's birthday. We celebrated by watching Manhattan Murder Mystery, which holds a special place in my heart as the first Woody Allen movie I ever saw. I also rented it in commemoration of my upcoming paid time off I'll be spending in Manhattan. I also rented the video game True Crime Streets of New York in order to find my way around (it didn't help all that well). Turns out I have to use up my PTO and Maria happens to have hotel suite accomodations on behalf of her business. As a result, I only need to pay for my flight and I'll get paid while I'm there, so it's a pretty alright gig.

So far the only thing officially on the agenda is the musical High Fidelity. Other than that, we might go ice skating, and maybe another musical (either Avenue Q, Fame Becomes Me or Evil Dead the Musical). The best part of this trip may be the lack of definite plans. Maria has work in the evening which will give me time during the day to hit the Guggenheim or perhaps the Museum of Sex if I want to. I'm thinkin' though, that this will be a giant shopping spree for me. Does anybody need anything from New York at all?

The only other time I've visited the city was earlier this spring, so I don't know how the New York cold will be. Perhaps I'll just do a lot of sleeping in.