Sunday, December 24, 2006

festivus exitus

So Festivus 2006 ended a few hours ago. Now for the Airing of Grievances.

The Carl's Junior on State Street and 2nd: Why do you always "run out of ice cream" whenever we go through the drive-thru? Don't make us go in there and talk to you face-to-face for our shakes (because that's the only way you'll give them to us). We don't want to deal with you (just like you don't want to deal with us). You're in a prime location. Be nice to your customers. At least give them what they pay for.

The Teriyaki Stix in East Bay: I realize that you run out of curry half the time I go there, but the day you ran out of rice really floored me. Rice. Seriously. You're a freaking Japanese restaurant. How is that even possible? You should always have a silo of rice on hand. And also, if you don't have the curry, you should charge me the curry price for whatever I order instead. I don't just order the curry because it's the nicest thing on the menu.

All Wendy's everywhere: If you're not going to put ketchup in my to-go bag, at least ask me if I want any. You could also ask me if I want the salt you insist on putting in the bag every single time. Just so you know, I don't want the salt and never will.

The lights in my house: You burn out too much and the ceiling is way to tall to replace you. What, do you think I'm made of tallness?

People I drive with on the freeway every single day: Okay, just so you know, here's the breakdown of what speed you should drive. Left lane -- 80 mph. Middle lane -- 75 mph. Right lane -- 70 mph. There. It's solidified. It's no longer arbitrary. Stop going 68 in the left lane. It's insulting and impractical. And those of you who still insist on tailgating me while i'm hitting 83 -- get over yourselves. What? Are you in labor or something? Your job or affair or vacation can wait six seconds.

People who bring their babies to the movie theater: Do you honestly think you have a right to even see movies any more? Yeah, I know sitters can be expensive, but your lives are over. Deal with it. Don't make our lives over too. I don't want to have to make your kid an orphan. The kid deserves to go to the movies when he's old enough and not with you. Oh, and if you're still insisting on doing it, don't sit in the middle aisles. Sit on the crappy side aisles.

All restaurant servers in this state: I know it's really really really hard to divide the check between ten people, but it's nearly impossible for the people eating to do it without a check dividing computer and a credit card reader like you have. We know you can do it, so be nice and at least ask us if we'd like it divided. No more of this sneaking a single check in just because there's a chance that somehow one person is somehow going to pay for the entire meal. You know very very well that's not the case. Also, Don't blow me off when I eat alone. Yeah, I'm not trying to impress anyone and yeah, a generous tip on a single eight dollar meal would only be two bucks; but for crying out loud don't just leave me sitting there unhelped for twenty freaking minutes.

Our mailman: Stop reading our magazines and delivering them a month later. Also, being a mailman requires you to not only bring us mail, but also take mail we leave for you to deliver. It's almost as important.

Will Ferrell: For some reason, you're not funny in movies. I really liked you on Saturday Night Live, but in movies... nope.

Snow Patrol: I'm so freaking sick of your song and I haven't even heard it all the way through.

My computer: The printer doesn't work. Everything connected by USB needs drivers installed on every use. Things run slow. Second Life lags and then the controls get taken over and my avatar walks into the ocean. What's up? Why don't you cooperate with me? I could go get a Mac you know.

Janice Dickinson: How did you get on every single channel from 53-59?

Radio From Hell: I would listen to anybody else who had dry humor such as yours, but somehow, somehow, didn't talk about themselves 95% of the time. And as for that time when I emailed and asked what show that Gilmore Girls parody audio drop you used once came from and you emailed me back and told me to listen to Radio From Hell On Demand in order to hear it again? Screw you. I know your contracts may be up soon and you might take your show on the road somewhere. I just can't wait to see how well of a reception you receive in any other market in the entire world.

CSI: Are you really the most watched show on TV, because I don't know anybody who watches you.

I got more. I know I do, but Festivus has passed and I'm already well into Christmas Eve. Do you have an Airing of Grievances? Do tell. Please.

5 Comments:

Blogger Laura said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

December 25, 2006 4:22 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

You know, I hate to complain about gifts, because I really do appreciate the thought most of all, but as long as you have a list going (and this comment is on your blog and not mine)...

If you're going to give all the grandkids an identical gift, don't trouble yourself by thinking of a different gift for the unmarried grandkids who are the same age as the married ones. A down throw is a great gift for married and unmarried alike. I get chilly sometimes. I live in a house. I have places to throw a throw.

I guess this year's flannel pajamas are more functional than last year's earrings. I can physically wear pajamas, unlike earrings for my unpierced ears. And the leopard print is diffused with a floral pattern.

December 25, 2006 9:04 PM  
Anonymous dre said...

About eating alone; there is one guy who comes in every other day and always eats alone, but will never recieve bad service. He always leaves a ten for the tip. SO regulars that are also regular tippers will always have VIP service.

Sorry if it's out of your price range. You shouldn't have to pay that.

And if you want funny complaining stories, work one weekend as a waitress you'll find plenty.

December 25, 2006 10:26 PM  
Blogger Steph said...

I am done with Walmart. I don't know if I even have to explain all of the problems with Walmart as everyone who has ever been inside knows what I'm talking about. It's dirty, it's very very crowded, kids don't get out of your way, it's loud, etc. Also, once I asked one of the walmart workers where they kept the asprin. She looked at me like I was crazy since she didn't speak english. I ended up having to point to my head and say headache multiple times before she could understand me and give me directions. I'm getting so worked up even thinking about Walmart.

December 26, 2006 9:33 PM  
Blogger Erica said...

re: the freeway greivance...

people should go with the european way of driving (but a little altered to make room for three lanes in one direction rather than two): right lane is the slow lane. only slow pokes can drive in it. middle lane is the actual driving lane. EVERYONE (except the slow pokes) must drive in this lane. left lane is for passing only. once you get done passing, move on over to the driving lane, and let the other people pass. that way you can go as slow, or as fast as you want without pissing people off.

January 23, 2007 9:29 PM  

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