Monday, December 24, 2007

airing of grievances '07

Another Festivus is come and gone and now for the Airing of Grievances.

Ice: I can't believe I forgot you last year! I hate you and I hate everyone who gives me more ice than liquid in my drink. It's winter. I have no need for ice-cold anything. Plus, I can't deposit a gushing stream of liquid down my throat when my lips are forcibly clenched to prevent shards of ice from being swallowed whole. Ice from ice machines also smells funny. It does. Maybe this is why.

Airports: Get some more chairs! Also, because of security scares, I'm not allowed to leave my luggage. That means I have to take my luggage to the bathroom with me. There's no way in Hell I'm going to let my bags touch an airport bathroom floor. The result is a meticulous and painful balancing act that, I can only assume is extremely funny to witness, is still something I would love to not participate in again.

Cold (temperature): I hate you.

Cold (illness): I hate you. I had like four colds in the past couple of months. Obviously you stupid colds haven't heard of physical or diplomatic immunity.

Writer's Strike: I feel for the plight of you writers, but I am still grieved.

Waiters in New York: You provide the same service as in Utah, but you servers wait for us to ask you to bring the check. Don't you want to usher us out? There are people waiting! Sure, you're probably being nice by providing some post-meal personal time for us, but that's not what I was raised with, so you're wrong! It's very disappointing.

Anxiety: You caused my favorite living band to not come to Utah, thus dashing the most anticipated live event of the year! You also paralyze me in encounters with new people and prevent me from putting people I know on this very list!

Diagonals: Utah streets are very well organized. So what's up with American Fork being all diagonally and shiz? And how about Fort Union and Union Boulevard not just being all diagonal when they're not supposed to be, but actually having the same name? Don't even get me started on you two!

The west side: All you sprawl from Jordan Landing (stop being so similar in name to Jordon Commons) up to the airport with your perfectly-lined up streets, I'm talkin' to you. You're boring.

Coupons: Stop expiring! Especially the big ones that I had to purchase big things to get (I'm looking at you 25% off at R.E.I. with a complimentary lift pass to The Canyons that expired a month ago).

Thief who stole my car stereo: Get a job hippie!

Transformers: How horribly grieving it is that the movie I looked forward to for 20 years has, the more I think about it, become the biggest movie disappoinment I've seen this year.


Blogger charlotta-love said...

Glad you got that all out! Now you can (hopefully) have a wonderful Christmas!

December 25, 2007 9:28 AM  
Blogger Maker said...

Airports , Ice, and Anxiety!!!
I love it! I love it all!
How is it that I still have your whit yet you are easily the most funny of the Groovers.
Maybe I gave you your whit back? I can't remember. Either way, you have either purchased more whit or stolen it back. Good on you, mate!

Merry Christmas too! I slack...but you should know that I still love you and that you are still on my top 4 list of best friends that are my best friends and stuff.

I have a 6 pack of Ruby Red Squirt stashed around here with your name on it.
Some day when I am loaded, I will actually break the $5 mark on one of your gifts...or anyone's gift for that matter.

- Jake n' stuff

December 25, 2007 1:48 PM  
Blogger Monica said...

True dat on the diagnols grievance. No matter how many times I go to American Fark, I get lost within that city EVERY time.

December 26, 2007 4:51 PM  

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