Tuesday, February 14, 2012

v.d. '12

"To sleep, perchance to Dream" -- Shakespeare.

"To Feel Perchance to Love" -- the title of some dude's online Sherlock Holmes fan fiction.

"To dream of love, perchance to consume the greatest sweetness in the highest quantity (but then throw up later)" -- Madsen.

I grew up in hearing the British New Romantic pop music movement in the background constantly. Ideally, love is as sparkly as synth. Learned that from the 80s.

Unfortunately, I went through puberty in the 90s. Maybe that's the reason I always associate love with pain. Why did we have so much pain and cynicism in the 90s? The cold war was over. The arms race was abating and we were an unrivaled superpower. 9/11 and the time of terror was another world away.

Maybe we had too much love. That would start any grunge movement.

To lovers past, present and future: the hurt's been fun.

Monday, January 30, 2012

jon's 2012 big announcement

It's my living wish that you watch this video. I'm starting it here and moving it to all other media later today.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

why not come sundancing it's only natural

Please note that I'm hitting up the Sundance Film Festival this year. I have Friday, January 20 off of work, so I'm going to try to make a day of it. If I can, I'm going to try to get into the following films:

9:00 am: The Queen of Versailles (documentary about rich people from the housing boom stuck with an unfinished palace)

11:15 am: The Raid (sounds like the Indonesian martial arts version of Die Hard)

3:00 pm: Indie Game (documentary on independent video game creators)

6:30 pm: Celeste and Jesse Forever (Andy Samberg and Rashida Jones get divorced)

9:45 pm: Red Lights (It's by the guy who made Buried and it's got Cillian Murphy and Elizabeth Olsen)

11:45 pm: Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie (sounds weird and funny)

If anyone would like to go to these or any other movies on Friday, please let me know. I'm going to try to wake up early and go to the box office to grab what tickets are available. I probably won't be able to get all of my choices, but I'll prioritize. Please let me know. It'll be fun.

Friday, January 13, 2012

2011 a quarter of a picture at a time

Much of my record keeping this last year has been in Twitter entries. I'm reproducing the most life-changing Tweets here as my final (extremely accurate) summation of 2011. I guess I talk about movies a lot huh?

21 January:
About to watch Bellflower -- the riskiest sounding film today (future tweet: Bellflower is the dumbest movie I've ever seen).

1 February
Made it through Winter's Bone! Fascinating science fiction. Takes place on a planet called "Ozarks."

2 February
Aaaaand just finished The Kids Are All Right. Huh. Lesbianism is far boringer than I have been led to believe.

6 February
I'm totally loving being in the middle of this righteous five-day weekend! Well, except that I have to work for two of the five days.

10 February
This just in! Jerry Sloan to become the new president of Egypt!

16 February
Really? Watson didn't pick Skynet as its charity?

27 February
Babies aren't made through sexual intercourse. Made up 8000 years ago cuz propagating human race seemed like a good excuse to fool around.

27 February
Man, Billy Crystal's gone downhill since Miracle Max.

1 March
Never been drunk, but whenever I eat Carolina BBQ chips I wake up with a massive hangover.

6 March
You know how people say "everything happens for a reason?" The Adjustment Bureau teaches the horror of that statement.

8 March
Think I'm giving up R movies for Lent, which might be rough because I only have 129 PG movies in my instant queue and 152 in my DVD queue.

9 March
Other things I'm considering Lenting: red meat, washing hands after using the toilet, words with the letter K, hookers.

22 March
So Mickey Rourke is gonna play Gadhafi in the movie, right? RIGHT?!

23 March
Big announcement! The limitations of twitter don't do it justice. Please check my blog:

3 April
Whoops! Left the car windows down during the blizzard! Ha ha! That is so me (I hate everything and everyone)!

7 April
Got Thursday off. The Pringles and clam dip coma begins... NOW!

17 April
Watching a recorded Kimmel show from earlier. Seriously, there were THIRTY-SIX commercials between Tom Arnold and .

17 April
Sorry, but I have to say it again. One TV show. 36 advertisements right in a row. I still have it recorded. Come over and watch. Fascinating

20 April
I'm working on my fore-handed insults. Example: "Your ignorance barely disguises how much prettier you are than me."

23 April
Wow. Nothing says pathetic and out of shape more than a softball victory through forfeit and then actually being sore from it the next day.

24 April
2011 has been my very favorite Easter. In fact I'm gonna call it "Eastest."

1 May
I need to reiterate. ALL the Fast and the Furious movies suck (except the first one, the third one, the fourth one and the fifth one).

6 May
That scene where Thor walks into the room without his shirt on will prevent all girls from wanting to score with me this year.

6 May
I mean that had to be CGI right? Related: I'm now a little gayer.

6 May
Flippin. They should have called it: "Thor: God of Thunder from Down Under."

7 May
It was mildly warm today. Big welcome to the first swass of the season! Let's enjoy it until October!

27 May
The Hangover Part II was pretty much like any other Netflix streaming horror movie of the week, but my theater had a laugh track.

4 June
Hottest babes in First Class in order: that Kravitz chick, January Jones, Michael Fassbender.

7 June
Our city garbage can emanates rank odor. I want to throw it away, but the city never takes it when I set it by the curb.

14 June
Last night I wrote 12 pages in my journal! Angst-ridden junior high moping is back bitches!

21 June
I look better than I feel. And I feel badass.

22 June
How was your Solstice? I celebrated by totally beating a girl at tennis.

22 June
Just had an awesome, refreshing sneeze. It's the best thing that's happened to me today and, I guess, all summer.

28 June
I'm feeling fat today. I really mean that. I'm literally feeling myself up right now.

28 June
Okay, I just saw how gross that last one looks. Sorry. I'm just saying my hand got stuck in one of my ab chins. That's it.

28 June
It's just that I'm in a quiet room right now and when I move slightly I can actually hear sections of my body sloshing around.

1 July
Sometimes I'm proud of just how gassy I can be.

4 July
Ugh. I've got the biggest Romulan ale hangover right now (Earthicans might call it a Mountain Dew Voltage hangover).

6 July
Why do I always feel so damn unsexy on Wednesdays? Is it because new comic books come out on Wednesdays?

8 July
So, checking this out and I guess the biggest difference between Google+ and Facebook is that chicks aren't allowed on Google+.

11 July
New discovery! Dipping Tim's salt and vinegar chips in Cafe Rio dressing! Amazing! Other news: I've just gone blind.

14 July
My iPad just told me it's too hot and needs to go inside. I guess I'm ready for children now.

21 July
Heading to midnight show of Captain America in a couple of hours. Will also be ironically wearing my Nazi uniform.

8 August
Finally have the six-pack I've always wanted! I just have to bend my stomach so I have six ab-flab chins!

10 August
This tweet is a cry for help. I've been extremely depressed lately and also one of my arms is caught in a bear trap.

17 August
Soooo hungry! But I have to save my money to purchase a unicycle tomorrow.

26 August
Village Inn has this thing where you pick four breakfast items for seven bucks. Thanks vi! You prevented my suicide today!

26 August
Also, Village Inn changed its name to vi. Do you pronounce that "vih" or "six"?

8 October
Is it just me or does Febreze just "moisten" the odor?

21 October
Off blondes again. Adding them to the list (which includes brunettes, redheads and "other").

22 October
I know I've said this before, but shouldn't "School's Out" by Alice Cooper be the absolute LAST song played at a college football game?

1 November
Cold now, so I purchased a vintage green army style jacket. Walked past a mirror and discovered to my horror that I've become Taxi Driver.

1 November
Just re-entered the 21st century as a woman by watching the first episode of Gilmore Girls.

6 November
I'm wearing my sexy favorite jeans right now. I feel like Robert Plant. I've never felt more masculine (or feminine).

18 November
Watching Burn Notice for the first time. Unique. I'd call its genre something like "noir jour."

18 November
The subtle humor of my last tweet depends on your knowledge of Burn Notice, international film history and the French language.

20 November
People who know me know my biggest fear is flash mobs. Now there's a Fox TV show devoted to the subject. The universe is conspiring...

5 December
I just experienced the first-time wonder of my inner 13-year-old girl. I was shaking a sealed container and my boobs started bouncing.

6 December
Am watching Gilmore Girls. DAMMIT!!! Why did I just announce that to the world... again?!

24 December
Watched the new Dragon Tattoo flick. Totally lost from the very start. NO ONE in the whole film explained why everyone was speaking English.

26 December
Finally saw the new "colorized" version of Footloose (by that I mean it's shot for shot same as original, but they added some black actors).

29 December
Will 2011 just END already?!?!

31 December
Reflections from this last year: disappointment, loneliness. Things to look forward to next year: disappointment, loneliness, apocalypse.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

the 46 best movies of 2011!

DISCLAIMER: Once again, I'm late posting this, but at least I started typing before the year ended, so this post should still "appear" as posted in 2011.




Notice from this year's ticket stub scan that it was a very fruitful year for filmgoing (+5 from last year!). This year I grouped it by stub for some interesting stats:

- 9 Sundance movies at the festival itself (one of which was a collection of shorts (which, for the most part, sucked))
- Only 1 movie at the dollar theater
- 10 movies at Broadway (not including the ones from Sundance or the X96 horror special)
- 14 movies at the Gateway (the most popular theater of 2011!)
- 8 movies at Century 16
- 1 movie at Union Heights
- (If all these movies don't add up, I did see several movies on DVD and streaming a few months after they came out)

The list:

46. Hobo with a Shotgun
I was so excited to see this movie, but it wound up being my least favorite experience in the theater all year. Subtlety in itself isn't important in making a movie, but subtlety is necessary when straddling the line between honoring a genre and ridiculing a genre. Ridicule, in itself, is loud and tedious. And the line I mentioned that this movie needed to straddle? It painted over that line with blood and skin and then exploded it.

45. The Hangover Part II
This was insultingly exactly like the first movie -- even taking into account how often that kind of thing happens in this day and age. It doesn't help that I'm one of the only people who thought the first movie kinda blew. Maybe people will come to their senses in hindsight with the release of this one.

44. to.get.her
This one's something I caught at Sundance about a bunch of girls getting killed. The previous sentence was sorta more exciting than the movie.

43. Bellflower
Another Sundance movie. Most people who saw it that I'm aware of (critics mostly) really loved it. Probably because it was a real big chance-taker as far as tonal changes go. Even though I really didn't like the movie, I want people to see it so people can convince me otherwise. SPOILER ALERT (sorta): The first half of the movie is a meet-cute romantic comedy and the second half of the movie is psychotic and violent. It was very memorable, but I felt the tonal shift wasn't earned and was pretty cheap.

42. Another Earth
Lots of people are understandably hesitant to check out independent movies for several reasons. They may be afraid the movie is pretentious or boring or something. Usually, they're not -- BUT every year I see one that absolutely justifies everybody's fears. This year I felt it was Another Earth. The idea of "show, don't tell" is a good one, to be sure; BUT when the emotion you're trying to tell is "mopey," PLEASE don't just show a girl actually silently moping for two hours. The side story concept of the movie is actually pretty cool (another mirror earth is heading toward ours, presumably with duplicates of ourselves that we may be able to converse with regarding our own strengths and frailties), but the movie reveals no deep insight and doesn't even ask any further questions than what exists in the trailer for the movie.

41. Tower Heist
I guess I couldn't see what was coming, but ONLY because the twists were very unnatural, and forced. Also, I COULD see the jokes coming.

40. Anonymous
I suppose it was way better than I thought it would be. This one didn't have a chance of winning me over because even before I went to see it I proclaimed that the identity of Shakespeare was vague enough for me that his identity didn't matter in the slightest. Certainly a rose by any other name, right? Still though, the movie was way more fun with the assumption it was just a period piece and not one sorta based on facts. SPOILER ALERT: incest.

39. Bobby Fischer vs. the World
It's a pretty good documentary, but the unanswered stuff was still unanswered. Bobby Fischer's most interesting years are lost to us because nobody was bothering to film him during his super crazy years.

38. Knuckle
A documentary on Irish Travelers settling their differences through punching each other. I sort of felt bad about watching it, considering its exploitation possibly contributed to more bare knuckle boxing -- also the footage wasn't ideal.

37. Unknown
Eric Snider summed it up best when he said it's a movie about a man named Martin Harris who "loses things." Jeff Bayer summed it up with an impersonation of Liam Neeson saying, "I'd like you to find someone... me!" January Jones is in this movie. She's a great example of why the sex robot industry will never actually catch on.

36. Troll Hunter
I love the documentary feel of this thing, but it strangely went on too long or something. Maybe, what if the Trolls were about 20 feet shorter I'd get involved in the world maybe? Oh well, whatever nobody saw this one anyway.

35. Take Me Home Tonight
If you see this one you may be very confused when Topher Grace and Teresa Palmer play a little game where they see who can yell an embarrassing word the loudest. Yes, the very same game played in (500) Days of Summer. I guess the reason for this is because Take Me Home Tonight has been shelved for several years. Now it comes out and its embarrassing scene is also embarrassing because it looks like it's very blatantly ripping off another film. Well that's sad. The movie isn't incredibly funny, but I did like it because it's about a guy who is insecure about what he wants to do with his life. In this particular case, they knew their audience.

34. Footloose
Exactly like the original only with a few black people and I won't fondly remember this 20 years from now like I did with the original. It's science. You can't beat the Bacon. Strangely, the punch dance sequence is replaced with a very non-dancy White Stripes song. Points for the White Stripes, as always.

33. Moneyball
Fascinating. Also interesting Jonah Hill work. Way to go dramatic, fat man. Too bad his character doesn't exist in real life.

32. Conan O'brien Can't Stop
Another documentary. Conan made fun of one of his backup singers and all I can think about is how awkward it is between them now that he made fun of her everyone behind her back.

31. Scream 4
I saw it mostly to see Alison Brie. I liked the end. I sorta saw it coming, but that's not the point. I like it less now that I've thought about it. Horror probably needs another injection of something original (like Scream did in 1996). This franchise is long gone though.

30. Jane Eyre
Aaaand Michael Fassbender makes his first appearance on the list! *platonicswoon* I liked the movie okay, but I was slightly disappointed. This is my first exposure to the Charlotte Bronte story and I was hoping for more horror or supernatural elements (which I had heard this particular version was going to emphasize (and it really didn't)).

29. Tabloid
Very weird documentary about the Mormon missionary who was kidnapped by an insane woman in England. Weird subject that may have crossed some weird LDS lines in its presentation. Still, I credit for layering a story of exploitation into a sort of exploitation itself.

28. Rise of the Planet of the Apes
This was very very good. People who saw it initially were really surprised at how good it was. People who saw it after the initial positive hype wore down were again surprised. I think I saw it in the middle when the energy died down, because I don't remember much of it. I'll have to see it again. There's no beating the films in the '60s and '70s, though. That goes without saying. It should anyway. Forget I said that, then.

27. 30 Minutes or Less
Very dark comedy. I like how the jokes work in life or death type situations.

26. Horrible Bosses
Very dark comedy. I like how the jokes work in life or death type situations.

25. Captain America
When I walked out of it I said I liked it more than Thor, but now that the year's over I'm finding myself change my mind. Still liked it though. The movie really made me appreciate the character and I've never cared about Cap before.

24. Tree of Life
It's only my 24th favorite movie of the year, but the movie really, truly is majestic. Honestly, it's also boring though. It faces the limitation of our automatic expectations of going to movies. We expect to come in, sit down, hear exposition through dialogue and action, build to a climax, get resolution and then view the credits. When a movie like Tree of Life comes into our lives, I think we automatically resist it. This movie just doesn't tell a story the way movies do. It tells it more like a painting does.

23. Like Crazy
I would have liked this movie more if it wasn't so depressing. I was expecting something more feel-good and I would say that's exactly what I needed going into the theater. Much better than the Drew Barrymore movie Going the Distance, which pretty much shares the same plot.

22. The Descendants
"Nothing just happens." "EVERYTHING just happens!" Usually tact and restraint aren't heralded as virtues, and maybe they aren't here, but I like where things went in this.

21. Young Adult
If you see this, tell me what you think of the very end. It bugged me at first, but I think I really like it now. The movie isn't as funny as I thought it would be (and isn't supposed to be), but it proved that Charlize Theron is built for humor (more than I would have thought).

20. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
May as well see the Swedish version. The American version is way more explicit in the really vile scenes that I thought for sure would be heavier in Europe. Also, I was lost the entire time because none of the characters elaborated on why they're all in Sweden yet constantly spoke English.

19. Crazy Stupid Love
One of my favorite scenes of the year (which I've elaborated on elsewhere) is the seduction scene between Gosling and Emma Stone (in which there's no sex, but liberating conversation).

18. The Adjustment Bureau
The moral seems to be to shun all the angels watching over us. Of course, "be the best YOU you can be" is good too (also good as the moral of an after school special). Still, see it with friends. It's always great to have a stimulating conversation on the true nature of free will.

17. Source Code
The guy who directed this also directed Moon (which is an awesome indie sci-fi movie from a few years ago) AND is the son of David Bowie! This movie was good.

16. Thor
Like Captain America, Thor is a Marvel Universe character that's always annoyed me. Really loved his character in the movie though. I liked the story arc. I mean the guy was a god and he really became a good character through passing through the valley (all by "descending" to Earth like some other God-man we know (Superman (okay, fine. E.T.))). Also, we must assume that the abs and pecs on Chris Hemsworth were CGI. Right?!?! Gotta be, RIGHT!?!?

15. The Devil's Double
This movie is about the true story of the guy who was the body double for Uday Hussein. It's as interesting as it sounds -- also with car chases and exotic middle eastern women.

14. Beginners
I really loved Ewan McGregor's character dealing with his dad's sudden gayness and cancerness. Christopher Plummer is always welcome. I did have a problem with the hot girl popping into his life so readily and willingly for no apparent reason. This trend happens more in independent movies than mainstream movies for some reason. Maybe it makes me pissed off that I consider myself an independent film goer, but I'm not part of the real-life scene where hot girls want to be with me from the moment they meet me. Still, though, the hot girl was played by Melanie Laurant who is on the short list for crush of the year (probably just beaten by Michael Fassbender).

13. Tucker and Dale vs. Evil
This movie is a bit cathartic for me since it consists entirely of douchebags getting violently killed (by their own idiocy).

12. The Trip
This one's different. Watch this clip: http://youtu.be/HFIQIpC5_wY
That's pretty much how the whole movie is.

11. Fast 5
Every movie in this franchise has sucked except for the first one, the third one, the fourth one and now the fifth one. The joy of these movies are in the irony only in concept (but not execution). Take the story's "easy" job for example. The characters need some quick cash so they can pull off their "big job" later in the movie. What's their easy job? It's robbing CARS from a MOVING TRAIN using a DUNE BUGGY in the five minutes before the train goes over a BRIDGE 500 FEET OVER A RIVER. Now THAT'S an exciting "easy job."

10. Insidious
There was good horror here lacking in Scream 4. Fun horror. Weird horror. Good times.

9. Super 8
Not perfect, but Abrams did an awesome job of sucking us in with the kids' characters before the imperfections were oh, so apparent (i.e. the alien thing (also the meaningless reconciliation of the two fathers)). Was your favorite scene of the year when Elle Fanning did her practice take? It was probably mine.

8. Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Brad Bird is a reality. Also, do sandstorms like that exist in Dubai? Because 1) it makes me grateful I only need to worry about snow and 2) if you're that rich, maybe you ought to live in a place where you don't walk outside and are blinded. Also, huge kudos to the franchise for abandoning the lame concept of just throwing a mask on Tom Cruise for everything. It's a cop out of a concept.

7. X-Men: First Class
Fassbender strikes again. I'm a huge huge X-Men fan and this may have strayed a little too far from X-canon (for those of you who don't know, Alex Summers (Havok) is Scott Summers' (Cyclops) YOUNGER BROTHER, not father -- that little detail will be hard to explain if they consider the future of the franchise). BUT the heart of this thing is the close relationship of two men with very different ideals and a pretty thrilling period piece of a swinging '60s storyline that ultimately separates them. This movie also has Sex Robot January Jones.

6. Midnight in Paris
This year's Woody achieved a better ranking than last year (You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger only hit 11 on last year's list), but I actually liked Midnight in Paris less than most other who saw it. As a pretty die-hard Woody Allen fan, I was very surprised that this on is his huge hit. His last big buzz was for Match Point and that one deserves a lot more credit than this one. Still, like I said, I'm a die hard, so even though I can say I was disappointed -- I still loved it. If you do like Midnight in Paris I would definitely suggest checking out The Purple Rose of Cairo. It's got a similar feel and story plus Woody Allen doesn't actually appear in it if that's what annoys you about most Woody Allen movies.

5. Bridesmaids
I already knew I loved Kristen Wiig, but my bit revelation with this movie was Melissa McCarthy. Feel free to check out her character's introductions when Kristen Wiig meets her and she responds with the story of falling off a cruise ship and "kinda pin-balled down hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit." The movie was probably mis-titled since it's really only one character's story and not an ensemble. Laughed though. Pretty hard.

4. Drive
Ahh. So cool. Have you seen it? If you have, picture the evolution of Carey Mulligan's character's state of mind from when she gets into the elevator to when she gets out of the elevator. She's going to the crazy house, right? That soundtrack is just so groovy. It's vintage '80s pastels in audio form, but here's the thing -- no irony. I'm really looking forward to the coming decade because I think we're finally starting to put the irony-laden '90s behind us. Oh! Also Albert Brooks is the scariest guy of the year -- and it's ALBERT BROOKS!

3. Silent House
Time for my Elizabeth Olsen double header. Okay, this may have been the scariest HORROR movie I saw all year. Yes, it did have a gimmick -- a 75 minute single take -- but the gimmick was beyond impressive and it only made the imagery scarier seeing it applied in real time with no cutaways.

2. Martha Marcy May Marlene
Okay, this may have been the scariest MOVIE I saw all year. It's not a horror, but the psychological manipulation worked for me. Once again, this has Sundance darling Elizabeth Olsen steering the ship sideways. I actually caught Silent House at Sundance, but not this one. They both played concurrently. Even though I think I liked Martha Marcy May Marlene more, I'm glad to have seen it later (because Silent House won't be released until later this year). Anyway, this sucker's weird and psychological and mind trippy and sort of incomplete (which helps in its illustration of confusion).

1. Hanna
People didn't like it as much as I did. I thought it was an exhilarating action movie. Okay, you know what? Obviously my favorite scene of the year was the long take of Eric Bana in the subway station. Chemical Brothers on the soundtrack for the ultimate win. The director, is Joe Wright, and I think he does stuff like Atonement and Pride and Prejudice. I think he injected quite a bit of character and class to the weird troubled kid action movie genre (that's a weird genre)

Here is a list of movie stubs of 2010 movies that I saw in 2011.

One was good and three were pretty good.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

airing of grievances '11


A picture of the preview screen on my camera (because I can't find my SD card reader and the camera dock connection only works half the time and it takes forever anyway) of holiday gifts underneath a Festivus pole can only mean one thing: it's time for this year's airing of grievances.

A camera that doesn't sync up to a computer with a standard USB attachment-
Hey! I can't find my SD card reader. It's the 21st century. Cameras and computers should be able to talk to each other all the time. It's not like we're putting pictures on paper anymore.

Low urinals-
Nobody's that short. Not even me. Not at my work anyway. If you're so short you can't reach the urinal, bring a booster stander. Can I aim that low? Yes. Does the angle and velocity cause a higher danger of gross splashback? YES. And there is the high urinal, but it's always taken and I feel really strange entering and then immediately exiting the bathroom when that's the case.

Popcorn-
After 100 years can't we get a different relatively cheap movie munchie? Popcorn butter makes me nauseated. Also, even if I just observe a friend eating popcorn, I get a kernel stuck in my teeth somehow.

Nauseous-
If you're nauseous, it means you cause nausea. Nobody uses this correctly, not even Lisa Simpson.

He and I-
When you say "he and I" or "she and I," are you ABSOLUTELY SURE you're using them as the subjects of the sentence? There's a very good chance you're supposed to be using different words.

Diet Coke-
Alright. I know half of us love it, but it's about time we said out loud that it's obviously far more addictive than normal Coke. Why is it so necessary for half of us to drink it non-stop when WATER tastes way better. As I'm typing this, I think there's a good chance I've aired my grievance on this already. Oh well. Here's the deal though, if you want something sweet, drink something sweet. Maybe THEN the craving will go away rather than ruling your life daily.

New Coke-
Where has it been?

RC Cola-
It's just Pepsi, right?

Ergonomics-
When are they going to make the computer station with the screen angled high and down and the keyboard close to the lap and heavily angled away? You know a work and viewing station based on SLOUCHING -- which is my natural formation.

Internet-
We've all got high speed internet, but it's way slower than it used to be because most of the processing of the internet is bells, whistles and flash. I would kill for a major website that's strictly text based. I don't care what it looks like. Put the links in the right order and easy to see and I'll collect the information just fine thanks.

DVR programming-
I can handle when a show starts a little early. I can handle when it ends late. How is it possible that The Simpsons does both? Don't make me miss things!

Potholes-
There's one here:
... and here:
I hit these holes EVERY DAY!

Gears of War 3 map download-
So I can play "Blood Drive" online, but when I try to play Horde or with bots or something, it doesn't show that I've downloaded it -- even though I can play the level when someone else hosts. Can somebody please explain this to me?

Photoshop-
It crashes when I update my OS. It doesn't let me upgrade to the pay version when the demo runs out. Adobe doesn't give it to me when they grift me into buying an upgrade I can't use. How about a suitable rip-off I can use for free (that's not gimpy)?

Gilmore girls-
Actually, the show's not half bad. I enjoy many of the wacky characters in Star's Hollow. The two worst ones, though, are the ones in the title. And what's up with capitalizing "Gilmore," but not "girls"? A step back for feminism, indeed.

Christmas on Sunday this year-
Hey, Christmas should be a religious holiday. We should go to church for three hours. But we should be able to go in our pajamas.

2011-
I could hardly think of any grievances this year. Is that a good thing? Does that mean I'm not bugged by stuff anymore? ...

2011 was lame.

The Airing of Grievances is an annual tradition. If you achieved some level of catharsis by reading this, perhaps you should check out past years. Many of them are much better than this one. In fact...

Airing of Grievances '11-
This was the lamest one ever.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

take! take! take!

Alright, your Christmas gift is listed below! Just pick a number between 1 and 34 and I'll reserve that gift for you. No hints as to what's underneath my extraordinary wrapping (although, you should be able to figure out quite a few (I mean, look at #5 for cryin' out loud)). Go ahead and give me your number in the comments for this blog post. If you can come pick up your gift -- AWESOME. If not, I'd be happy to deliver if you're in driving distance (probably on Dec. 24th).

Don't feel bad for picking a number, I gotta get rid of all of these. I WANT you to have your gift.

(UPDATE: 1, 2 , 4, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12, 13, 16, 17, 19, 21, 22 and 31 are no longer available)

Here we go:


(15 and 16 are not pictured)

(It's nothing major (like they're too large to get pictured or something))

(They just haven't arrived in the mail yet)

what i want for christmas

Usually I make a video to say what I want for Christmas (or do I only do that for my birthday? I'll have to consult my rulebook), but things have been busy and I can't even think of what I want anyway (even though I've been buying myself stuff as if the world was ending next year). Also, I've been feeling balder than usual, so I didn't want to commit to the visual experience. Lets start the list! And speaking of...

1. Rogaine -- I'm not vain, but I miss some of my hair. I'm willing to try this out and see what happens (or secretly put it on other peoples' arms over the course of several months and see what happens).

2. Typing Arm Brace -- The one I have is the free one from the Instacare that sent in a doctor who specialized in telling me they're not covering my treatment anymore. Man, she bugged me. Plus, the velcro isn't working very well on the brace anymore. ALSO -- get me one of those annoying keyboards that is all trianguly so it's better form for your typing arms.

3. An Xbox HDMI cable -- I'm not a stickler for quality video, but with an HDMI cable I can have the Wii and the Xbox plugged in at the same time and then switch back and forth between the Netflix shows running on both.

4. Forever Lazy -- Tell me you've seen these. http://www.orderforeverlazy.com -- You're laughing now. You think it's a joke, but I'm all on board. This is one (VERY comfortable) step toward the futuristic sci-fi utopia of all of us wearing the same jumpsuit.

5. Calendars -- I'd like five or six 2012 calendars. Something with a very nichey theme. Also -- and so many calendars make this mistake -- the picture shouldn't be the same tired sub-theme every month. Every month's picture must stand on its own and apart from all the other months. I used to have this awesome Wolverine calendar and each month's image was worth keeping and very different from all the other months. Speaking of...

6. X-Men: First Class on DVD -- This wasn't my favorite movie of the year, but it's the one I'd own because I'm sort of more into X-Men than a lot of other things. I'm also very comfortable with this year's crush on Michael Fassbender.

7. Food

8. Stuff that's appeared on last year's list and also my recent birthday list (minus the Star Trek book, because I have received that already)

Sorry. I couldn't think of that much more stuff off the top of my head. I've discovered in my Christmas shopping this year, that it's a lot easier to grab a bunch of worthless junk for other people than to think of the junk you want for yourself.

Speaking of... tune into this blog tomorrow, because I will give you instructions on receiving your gift from me. YOU WILL NOT WANT TO MISS IT. Supplies are limited so get your Christmas gift picks in NOW (well, tomorrow anyway).

why i haven't been blogging

Because I haven't read yours yet... and that intimidates me.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

day of the dead and bloated iii

Halloween is over -- which is pretty much like the end of summer for me. Now we only have the cold, dismal drag that is the "holiday season" to look forward to.

This year I went as Hitler on laundry day -- well, technically I went as "German army officer," which is what the package said, but I've never actually seen a depiction of ANY German having the Chaplain mustache EXCEPT Hitler. I guess writing "Hitler" on the outside of a $1.95 mustache package would cause the apocalypse.

My costume kept falling off (once into my root beer).

Didn't do a movie this year for the first time in three years. I'm plenty tuckered out and out of ideas.

Movies I watched and appreciated this year were The Serpent and the Rainbow, Suspiria, An American Werewolf in London, Insidious and The Fly. I'm not talking about the old Fly, which I've never seen (but DO know that the transformation scene where he sees the chick screaming through his compound eyes is absolutely brilliant). Well, The Fly I'm talking about is sorta old. It's from 1986 (a quick check of iMDb reveals that the original version of The Fly came out in 1958 (which means it was 28 years between that version and the one I'm talking about (and 25 years from the one I'm talking about to today (!)))). Anyway -- it's creepy and gross. Mission accomplished. I think it's about the horror of the creation of new life -- or an allegory for the horror of having children. Most horror movies are a horror allegory of romantic love (or sex), but the horror of new life in the world is even scarier (and a lot more pus-laden apparently). Anyway -- check it out on your Netflix streaming.

Anyway, on to the point. I didn't get half of my Halloween stuff done, but J.R. and I finally completed this year's Halloween CD. Playlist please!

1. "Do They Know It's Hallowe'en?" by NAHPI (North American Hallowe'en Prevention Inc.)
2. "A Song From Under the Floorboards" by Magazine
3. "The Cat With Two Heads" by The Aquabats
4. "Jack the Ripper" by Morrissey
5. "She's in Parties" by Bauhaus
6. "Little Sister" by Queens of the Stone Age
7. "You Make Me Feel So Young" by JonDis (a Jon Madsen original interpretation)
8. "Shankill Butchers" by The Decemberists
9. "Night Time Demons" by Arrested Development
10. "One of These Days" by Pink Floyd
11. "Dead and Bloated" by Stone Temple Pilots
12. "Rawhead and Bloodybones" by Siouxsie & the Banshees
13. "The Widow" by The Mars Volta
14. "Stolen Roses" by Karen Elson
15. "The Ghost of You Lingers" by Spoon
16. "I Can't Smile" by Bruce Lee Roy (a J.R. Fillmore original interpretation)
17. "I Believe It's Magic" by Mick Smiley
18. "In the Year 2525" by Visage

Notice that this is my third blog post titled "day of the dead and bloated" (you probably didn't notice), but it's the first time that "Dead and Bloated" actually made the Halloween CD. Today, November 1st being The Day of the Dead and then the title of the STP song... yeah. Just a little Jon's Blog trivia for ya.

If you'd like any of these Halloween tracks, I'll email them to you. As an added bonus, each track is mixed in with bonus audio from either last year's Community Halloween special (where Greendale Campus is overrun by zombies) or the episode of Star Trek called "Catspaw" (which is pretty much the original Star Trek Halloween special from the '60s). They're mixed quite well if I do say so myself.

Magazine, Bauhaus, Siouxsie & the Banshees, Mick Smiley and Visage are pretty sweet '80s acts. The Visage song, in particular, is a cover of an old '60s song (which is very prominent in the movie Gentlemen Broncos if you ever saw that). The Mick Smiley song we used is a remix known only during a pivotal apocalyptic scene in a certain movie about guys who bust ghosts.

Pink Floyd, of course, is very '70s -- although "One of These Days" sounds more modern than when it was released (1971 -- surprisingly before Dark Side of the Moon).

The Aquabats, Morrissey, Arrested Development and Stone Temple Pilots are, of course, stuff we listened to in the dark days of the '90s.

Queens of the Stone Age, The Decemberists, The Mars Volta, Karen Elson and Spoon are, more or less, contemporary (the Karen Elson CD is so brilliant by the way). The North American Hallowe'en Prevention Inc. was, I guess, some sort of "Band-aid"-like charity group featuring such celebrities as Beck, Feist, Arcade Fire, Devendra Banhart, Elvira, David Cross, Rilo Kiley, Wolf Parade & Thurston Moore.

J.R. and I hilariously composed a couple of spoken word versions of "happy" songs and sort of Halloweenized them. I don't have mine uploaded anywhere, but I'll post it later. Like the others, I can email it to you if you want.

Of course Halloween is over (sigh). Perhaps you can get started on next year.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

whoops. where am i?

I feel guilty when I don't blog for over a month.

I recently purged myself of a lot by starting another blog that I actually invited people not to read. Unfortunately, I think it took away from my flagship (wow, it's sad that at this point in my life my "flagship" is something called "jon's blog").

Anyway, here's my last post from angeR sidewayS. It's what I would have written here, if I wasn't now in the habit of writing on my non-ready blog. Read it if you sort of enjoy 80s music.

Friday, August 05, 2011

post 500!

I posted this on Facebook already, so you've likely seen it. The idea to make a music video for "88 Lines About 44 Women" has been in my head for several years. Everybody loves grabbing cute girls and getting that cute self-shot with the camera. I've always known I'd do something with all those.



My other title for this movie would be "Jon's Hair Loss: A Chronological study from 1995-2011."

I am a bit concerned that the video may portray that there were 44 girls in my life and each one is remembered by a few seconds. This of course isn't true. There have been far more than 44 women in my life and they all deserve more than that. Some far far more than others. Actually, though, there are a few girls in the video whose names I don't know (see if you can find the girl on the Russian national curling team). They were just at the right (wrong) place at the right (wrong) time.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

post 499

I've gotten some good fortune cookie fortunes lately.
Hey, that's flattering. Of course "could" is quite a conditional.
Hmm. Someone pointed out that apparently fortune cookies don't believe music is art. They may be myopic in their definitions, but at least they are pretty inclusive in the end. Plus, this is proof in writing that I'm totally deep.
I try a new look every day! More and more of my hair is falling out.
The truest of all. Especially considering how most of my actions are in direct response to the ideals of the Enlightenment period of the late 18th century. It's all intuition over rationalism baby (even though my intuition is inevitably always wrong). Also, I brood a lot.

Here's something else hilarious. I actually accrued 3o bucks in fees at the city library. I bet that makes me look smart! Well, on second thought it makes me look like an illiterate fool who either takes months at a time to read a novel or someone who doesn't know the renewal process. To make myself even more foolish, here's the list of items the library charged me for:

Cult science fiction films : from the amazing colossal man to Yog--the monster fro $2.00
The nitpicker's guide for Next generation trekkers / Phil Farrand. $0.20
1000 record covers / Michael Ochs. $0.20
Peanuts treasury / by Charles M. Schulz ; foreword by Johnny Hart. $0.20
Cult science fiction films : from the amazing colossal man to Yog--the monster fro $1.40
Star trek memories / William Shatner with Chris Kreski. $1.40
Spock's world / by Diane Duane. $1.40
Happier : learn the secrets to daily joy and lasting fulfillment / Tal Ben-Shahar. $2.40
Spock's world / by Diane Duane. $1.60
The amazing adventures of the escapist. volume 2. $0.20
Excalibur classic / writer, Chris Claremont ; artists, Alan Davis ... [et al.]. Vo $0.20
Excalibur : the sword is drawn / writer, Chris Claremont ; Alan Davis ...[et al.] $0.20
Ender's game. Battle school / Orson Scott Card, creative director & executive dir $0.20
Wolverine : Old Man Logan / Mark Millar, writer ; Steve McNiven, penciler ; Dexter $0.20
Y : the last man / Brian K. Vaughan, writer ; Pia Guerra, penciller ; José Ma $0.20
Star trek, Deep Space Nine. Season 1 [videorecording] / Paramount Pictures. $1.00
How to write science fiction and fantasy / Orson Scott Card. $1.20
Ender's game. Battle school / Orson Scott Card, creative director & executive dir $0.60
Y : the last man. Book two / Brian K. Vaughan, writer ; Pia Guerra, Goran Parlov, $2.40
Y : the last man. Book two / Brian K. Vaughan, writer ; Pia Guerra, Goran Parlov, $0.20
Y : the last man. Book two / Brian K. Vaughan, writer ; Pia Guerra, Goran Parlov, $0.20
The West Wing. The complete seventh season [videorecording] / John Wells Productio $2.00
Casino royale : a James Bond novel / by Ian Fleming. $2.60
A James Bond omnibus / Ian Fleming. $2.60
A James Bond omnibus / Ian Fleming. $2.80
Casino royale : a James Bond novel / by Ian Fleming. $2.80
TOTAL FINES : $30.40
Service Charge : $0.00
TOTAL: $30.40


I bet you're gonna ask me if Casino Royale is any good. I read two pages. Y: the last man is brilliant though (even if its portrayal of women is pretty far off in my opinion).

In an unrelated and actually pretty uninteresting note, I've started a new blog.
I'm still maintaining this one, so if you're reading this you don't have to change anything on your Google Reader.

The new blog is because I've been feeling that I've never really been very honest or expressive. I think I tend to be very reserved for the most part. I also want to write more, but don't want to waste any words on this blog experimenting -- which is really what this new one is. I'm planning on writing every day. And it'll pretty much just be what's on my mind while I'm typing. So... in essence it's sort of exactly like all the blogs I hate reading. Anyway, if you'd like to check it out it's here:

http://angersideways.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

25 days left


I broke down and downloaded a trial version of Photoshop Elements. I have 25 days until I have to pay for it.

I've purchased it before, but for some reason my computer won't give me permission to install it from its original disc. The new version I've downloaded should be much better, but so far it's not nearly as intuitive (of course I've been using the older version for like a decade, so maybe what I consider "intuitive" is just years of practice).

Anyway, until now, I've been Photoshopless for like six months (perhaps you've noticed there haven't been as many obviously photoshopped pictures lately). In 25 days, this trial version of Photoshop will stop working unless I pay for it again. So for the next 25 days I'll have to get all the Photoshopping out of my system for the rest of my life I suppose (or until I give in and pay again). If you would like something Photoshopped by an enthusiastic amateur, lemme know.

Here's an oooooold photo I just touched up back from my days on the pro wrestling circuit:


Yeah, notice how I made my buddy's eyes like Terminator's? Awesome.

ALSO, most of you know that my old squeeze M**** is back in town. Apparently, she's going to become a lawyer and as part of this new spirit of professionalism her online presence needs to be nothing but that. Professional. Since so much of her former life involved me and so much of my online life strives to be the opposite of professional -- I need to scour her name from the internet wherever I can.

If you see the name M**** M****** anywhere on this blog, somewhere in my movie commentary podcast, my Star Trek podcast, my Forgotten Realms blog, my Jon Demand video blog, Robot Rex audio journal, Twitter, Facebook or anything else online that I have control of -- please let me know.

Remember, it's far easier to be a trusted and respectable member of society when your persona is hidden from society.

Monday, July 18, 2011

senility

There are just a couple of things I forgot to mention last time.

One: combined with my diet tonic seizure and mammary-inducing half and half intake, I was also pretty decently buzzed by Laura's drunken watermelon.

Two: I'm in the middle of a seven-day weekend. Doesn't that sound great? The only catch is that I have to work three of those seven days. Off Thursday, on Friday, off Saturday, on Sunday, off Monday, on Tuesday, off Wednesday. Best or worst schedule ever? What do you think?

Saturday, July 16, 2011

14j2011 post-op


Well, the turnout for this year's July 14th party was quite disappointing. I'm guessing it was a weird time -- a busy weekday on the cusp of a busy weekend. I refuse to believe that everyone has lost believe in making the holiday truly happen.


I'm not complaining either. I was able to win the trophy for the first time this year. I got it by almost being the only one to do the slip n' slide and by buying the trophy and then not actually disqualifying myself from being in the running. I also drank a cup of diet tonic water (which gave me a seizure) and three cups of half and half (which made my boobs totally bigger).



We invented a new game this year. It involves fireworks. We had another game made up, but apparently California candles aren't much like Roman candles. Check out the game below:







The idea for the game I wanted to do would be sort of a Harry Potter homage (I guess that's a thing that came out this weekend) using Roman candles to "avada kedavra" the helium balloons as they float away. The name of the game would be "Gang of Terrorists Shooting Guns in the Air, But This Time They're Actually Aiming at Stuff."