the top 53 movies of 2012!

Alrighty then. Let's get this over with!

A couple of notes about this list. It includes all the movies I saw in theaters in 2012. It also includes all non-2012 movies I saw in the theater. That means there's some spillover from 2011 (The Muppets, The Artist) and some old movies that were either re-released or one-time engagements (Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Royal Tennenbaums, etc). This skews the whole "movies of 2012" thing, so I hope you'll understand. Some of the ones I've mentioned aren't even movies, but Fathom Events of RiffTrax and British plays and stuff like that. Weird stuff like that didn't make my top ten so I can still have a top ten list of unadulterated 2012 movies.

Also, there were a few movies that came out in 2012 that I saw at home on DVD or streaming (Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie, Beyond the Black Rainbow, etc.)

In short, there are lots of movies included. When I went over them yesterday I was amazed at how many I actually really liked. Either I'm getting better at knowing what will be good for me before I see it or I'm getting more open-minded to a lot of crap. Seriously, the top 50 (of 53 movies) were actually pretty enjoyable.

Talk to me a year from now, though. Every time I do this, I seriously regret several slots. That's part of the fun, I suppose. Obviously I didn't see every movie in the theaters, so stuff like Zero Dark Thirty, The Master and Beasts of the Southern Wild will have to make next year's list, even though they should be mentioned on the 2012. I do what I can.

Here we go.

53. John Dies at the End
This one may not be worth mentioning. It was just a silly sci-fi monster movie that played as a Sundance midnight movie. I'll just tell you right now there's a lot of crazy monster stuff that's supposed to be funny, but just gets really boring and tedious. Also, John doesn't actually die at the end. Spoiler, but whatever.

52. Taken 2
Sorta like Taken, but with all the fun and fire removed. It did have its moments, like when Qui-Gon Jinn found where he was by having Shannon from Lost just start hucking grenades all over Istanbul.

51. Savages
Very silly drug movie from Oliver Stone. The ending was cheap in a laughable way. People love Taylor Kitsch, but I haven't seen Friday Night Lights yet, so maybe it's my fault. Blake Lively seems like a corpse to me though.

50: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
I've been getting a kick out of making fun of this movie for the past few weeks, but now I feel sort of bad about it. It wasn't too bad and I'm amazed that I liked 49 movies more (that's a compliment to other movies and not a slam on The Hobbit). However, there were problems. Yes, it's 1/3 of a fairly short book and it definitely feels that way. The gang doesn't even leave Bilbo's house until like 40 minutes in.  From then on it feels like 1/3 of Fellowship played in slow motion. There is a very action-packed sequence involving goblins toward the end, that seems very Rube Goldberg-ish. I can see how that might be exciting for people, but it got pretty old for me pretty quick. There was no sense of danger in the slightest. Sort of like a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

49. End of Watch
Lots of folks really liked this one for its realism. I totally commend it for that. BUT, it also seemed like it was a movie nearly composed entirely of deleted scenes. Donnie Darko and that Pena guy were phenomenal together though.

48. Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie
Would not advise anybody to see this movie. If you do though, make sure it's past midnight and the gigglefits have started to come on.

47. Beyond the Black Rainbow
This one's hilarious too, in a freaky serious earnest way. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. It's like being back in the 80s and catching something weird on Showtime at 2 a.m. and missing the first  half so you know even less of what's going on and while you're watching it realizing that you're just DREAMING you're watching it.

46. The Expendables 2
Better than the first. Violenter than expected. So that was nice.

45. The Amazing Spider-Man
I liked this one more than the previous trilogy (thanks mostly to Emma Stone's sexy wool socks), but I don't think I ranked the other ones so low. Ultimately, though, this one won't be remembered as well, and deservedly so. If they're gonna reboot so early, it would have been nice if they diverged much further from the previous incarnation.

44. Ted
Most of my love for this movie is because Ted makes the absolutely true claim that the 1980 film version of Flash Gordon is the best film ever made. Very true. Galactically. Also, Mark Wahlberg is phenomenal  in comedic roles. We need to tell him this more often.

43. This is 40
I think I like Apatow-directed movies more than any of my friends, even though they are too long. I dunno, though. Who says a comedy has to be short? If it's funny and consistent, why wouldn't we want more of it. The straight Apatow written and directed movies are a very different bit of humor. Less punch lines and more generally humorous conversations. It's something he does best. Of course this one may be his worst, but alas. It's still great to have it every few years. Btw, if you don't want to watch the movie, make sure you watch the end credits. Melissa McCarthy goes nuts and it's hilarious.

42. Jack Reacher
Saw this with my stepdad, which was fun because he was in the military and he's read all the Jack Reacher books. He told me the MPs in his unit really sucked at marksmanship. So that was fun. The movie was alright too. I don't think there was a scene with Tom Cruise running, which was weird. I did like Cruise in this though. Yeah, he's supposed to be a big guy, but I have no allegiance to the books anyway, and my stepdad liked it, so there. Rosamund Pike sounds weird with an American accent. I think the accent lowered her voice an octave. Also, there's one outfit she wears that makes her boobs pretty phenomenal.

41. Moonrise Kingdom
Not a super fan of Wes Anderson. I appreciated tons of the visuals and quirk here (enough to like it more than Jack Reacher!), but I can't find the heart in his films. It's almost as if the pod people in Invasion of the Body Snatchers made a movie.

40. Oscar Nominated Animated Shorts
Hoo boy. I saw these like a year ago. They seemed to be okay. They were nominated for Oscars, after all.

39. Haywire
I may have ranked this one so well because I'm disappointed in hearing so many people say that Gina Corano didn't act well in it (apparently she's some kind of MMA fighter or something). Maybe it's the feminist in me, but she acts better than Seagal and Van Damme and nobody seemed to blame them for anything. Also Fassbender's in this one. And the Carano-Fassbender fight was pretty cool.

38. Hit and Run
Flaws aplenty. Despite that I'd like to be friends with Kristen Bell and Dax Shepherd. They sort of seem like groovy folks.

37. RiffTrax Live -- Manos: The Hands of Fate
Worst movie of all time? I don't think so! 37th best theater experience of 2012! The RiffTrax guys always give me incredible stomach exercise.

36. Raiders of the Lost Ark (in IMAX)
The perfectest movie ever. Of course, in IMAX, the perfectest movie reveals what few flaws it has quite strikingly. Still, they just don't make 'em like they used to.

35. Star Trek: The Next Generation ("Q Who?" and "The Measure of a Man")
They had this special theater event where they showed two Next Gen eps. "Q Who?" is probably more exciting than any of the actual TNG movies. "The Measure of a Man" was quite good, especially with additional scenes not shown on TV that really filled out some of the philosophical aura of the episode.

34. 48-hour Movie Competition: Event B
I'm partially including this because I was actually in it. You wanna do something fun? Watch "Back" with the YouTube-generated captions on. Hilarious! I promise.

33. The Hunger Games
Pretty good, but I had some serious camera-work issues. They were forced into shaky-cam to get the PG-13 rating, which many people praised as a non-explicit loophole. Personally, I feel it would have suited the story and setting far more if instead of shaking away from the violence, they instead cut away to the television audience reaction, from stimulated to horrified).

32. ParaNorman
My biggest praise of this movie is that it really respects the kids in its audience. Yes, kids can handle a movie with obvious horror elements. Casting McLovin as a bully was actually a pretty good choice too.

31. 21 Jump Street
Sorta funny, but I think it really works because Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill really did seem like buds.

30. The Muppets (2011)
Last year's movie. Pretty good!

29. Premium Rush
This one played out like a low-budget 80s action film, right down to the "fight the man" coming together of the good bicyclist and evil bicyclist. Michael Shannon as the quintessential 80s bad guy is really the icing on this cake.

28. To Rome with Love
I always give props to Woody Allen. No matter what. This one is no exception, even if it is a bit unusual. It's an ensemble piece with several storylines, but some of the storylines seem to take place in a day and some over the course of several months. Maybe this was on purpose to achieve a sort of dreamy fantastic quality. Underneath all the exuberance, though -- sadness.

27. Goon
I'm not sure if this movie ever played in theaters. It is on Netflix, though, and I'd recommend checking it out. Hockey movie that deals with the guy on the team specifically in charge of putting the other guys out of commission. Our hero is quite good at throwing punches, but is also a sweetheart of a nice guy. Alison Pill is here and she's just as fun as in Scott Pilgrim (and waaaaaaaay funner than she is on The Newsroom).

26. The Queen of Versailles
This documentary deals with the "time share king" and his vapid family building the nations largest single-family dwelling place and losing it all during the housing crisis. The movie is remarkably restrained by not shelling out a series of cheap shots at an easy target. Still, my favorite moment is when the mom rents a car for the first time and asks the Enterprise guy "the name of her driver."

25. Silver Linings Playbook
I'm sensing a recurring theme here. This is an adequate story that involves people with with grief-induced mental illness, but the reason the movie works is from the dynamic of Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence (who is far more fun as a disgruntled nymphomaniac widow than a post-apocalyptic teen archer).

24. Wanderlust
Jennifer Aniston hasn't been this funny since Friends and Paul Rudd is someone I constantly want to spend time with. I have a new soft spot for David Wain movies in much the same way I have for Woody Allen movies. I love this movie, but if you haven't seen a David Wain flick, please check out Role Models.

23. Seven Psychopaths
This is a good one, but I don't really know what to write about it. I may have to think for another year about it. It addresses violence as an issue in a very funny... and violent way. I haven't decided if I appreciate that method or not. Still, you can't go wrong with heavy doses of Sam Rockwell and Christopher Walken (who are extraordinary on bad days (and are beyond that here)). There's a line in the movie that's not answered: "What are Americans known for?" I think (especially considering recent events) the answer the movie gives is violence. Then again, maybe the movie isn't as deep as I think I'm supposed to take it.

22. Lincoln
Should have been called The 13th Amendment. Daniel Day-Lewis is amazing, but the most interesting thing about the movie is how much of a large ensemble it is. Check the IMDb page. Everyone's in this freaking movie and some of the best parts are on the floor of congress, where Lincoln wasn't.

21. Room 237
This one may be hard to explain. It's not a documentary about the movie The Shining, but a documentary about the crazy people who have all sorts of conspiracy theories regarding The Shining. Such theories include the idea that Stanley Kubrick made The Shining in order to reveal that he took part in faking the Apollo 11 moon landing. Like in The Queen of Versailles, this one doesn't take cheap shots at anyone. It can't really because it's gotta be the most cheaply made documentary ever. It's just audio laid over footage from Kubrick films (which I believe is one reason this one is so difficult to see -- because the rights to the movies weren't given). Despite the cheapness, the film comes across not as an indictment of overanalysis, but the joy of it.

20. Safety Not Guaranteed
Yeah, I'm a sucker for time-travel movies, but this isn't a time travel movie so much as it is a quaint story of people letting their guards down long enough to care about each other. Aubrey Plaza's kind of annoying, but Duplass is always great (and pretty different here). My highlight character is a supporting role from Nick from New Girl.

19. Sleepwalk with Me
I've been really into Mike Birbiglia's stand-up lately. The guy really excels at the story-driven stuff, so the fact that this is his first directorial feature, and it's quite good, is no surprise. His stand-up relating to the events of this movie are far funnier, but the movie has a lot of heart and real emotion that's respectable and touching.

18. Friends with Kids
It's a pretty laugh out loud comedy, but it's worth noting that, like Sleepwalk with Me, there's some real emotion and connection with these characters. It doesn't hurt that there's Bridesmaids reunion of Jon Hamm, Kristen Wiig, Chris O'Dowd and Maya Rudolph.

17. Your Sister's Sister
Made by the same team that made Humpday (which I sort of hated), this one was actually pretty good. It involves a trapped love triangle (one of which is the delectable Emily Blunt) that runs through the wringer of loss, guilt and family. It's also refreshingly full of ad-libbed dialog. I admit, if every movie was ad-libbed rather than polished, it would get annoying fast. Fortunately we get just enough of it every year with flicks like this.

16. Shut Up and Play the Hits
Another documentary. This is about the final concert of LCD Soundsystem. I'm not really a fan, but the concert footage was exemplary and created a party of the senses. The concert footage is intercut with interview footage between the mastermind of LCD Soundsystem, James Murphy, and the most diabolical interviewer ever (and my personal hero), Chuck Klosterman.

15. The Avengers
Do I need to tell you about this movie? I'm sure you saw it. Everybody did. I will say, it was the action that was weak though. The real fun is the interaction between our heroes, who were all heroes in vividly different ways.

14. The Dark Knight Rises
I could talk about the flaws of this film all day (and I have). The fact is though, talking about the flaws of a Christopher Nolan movie is a lot like talking about the lack of a sliding van door on a Porsche. His films tend to be so high above the norm that ripping it apart is just a way to pass the time between saying "Wow, that was incredible." Great movie, but still probably the least great of Nolan's Batman films.

13. The Artist (2011)
Let's get it out of the way. This film is overrated. I don't say that as a knock on the movie. I say it so that when you finally see it, you know that it might not necessarily be the best film of 2011 (it won Best Picture), but it does deserve an immense amount of credit and deserves to be wholly enjoyed. That Bejo chick is an absolute delight and both leads find true charm within the constraints of a long-lost film type. Yes, the silent film treatment is a gimmick. But it lands and succeeds fully within that gimmick.

12. The Royal Tennenbaums
This old movie played at the Tower for a one-time event. I said I didn't appreciate Wes Anderson, but I really love this one. It came out like ten years ago, so don't take my word for it.

11. Frankenstein
This is actually a broadcast of a recent British play version of Frankenstein directed by Danny Boyle and starring Benedict Cumberbatch as Dr. Frankenstein and Jonny Lee Miller as the monster (coincidentally both actors are separately playing Sherlock Holmes on British and American television). It is kind of weird to watch the taping of a play in a movie theater, but this sucker was dark and twisted enough to keep me caring throughout. Lots of critiques on humanity. If we do create a new form of life, it may be far more enlightened than us by default.

10. The Perks of Being a Wallflower
I read the book this was based on, but didn't remember most of the details, so I was sorta re-living it again for the first time. Everyone was very real. So real, in fact, that I actually missed the 90s for a couple of hours. It was great. Wish I had more to say.

9. Skyfall
Somehow this James Bond movie re-wrote everything about how to make a James Bond film and also went back to Bond basics at the same time. It's just great to have the guy back. There's a reason he's lasted this long. There's also a reason why the 007 film was successful this year, but the Bourne film wasn't. Bourne was a great adrenalizer, but Bond is simply eternal. We may get a little tired of him now and then, but like his women, we'll always come crawling back.

8. Indie Game: The Movie
Alright last documentary. It's about independent video game makers, but the profession isn't at all what's important here. It's an exhaustive record of the blood, tears and most of all emotional stability of people who put everything they have into succeeding at just one thing. Heartbreaking. Inspirational.

7. The Raid
I saw this at Sundance (before they changed the title to Colon Redemption). Not much to say about this one except it kinda rocks. Non-stop Indonesian martial arts. My second favorite moment: when the tiny psycho guy laid down his weapon in front of the cop so they could duke it out like men. My favorite moment: when the tiny psycho guy laid down his weapon in front of the two brothers so the three of them could duke it out like men.

6. Django Unchained
A slight disappointment, but by Tarantino standards that'll still get you in the top ten pretty easy. Cristoph Waltz and Samuel Jackson were very amazing. They delved quite deep into their characters. Surprisingly I was quite fond of Leonardo DiCaprio and he usually bugs me. Come for the scenery, stay for the final hour of incredible blood spatter.

5. Prometheus
If I believed in guilty pleasures, this might be the one for the year. The characters make decisions that make absolutely no sense. I'm still waiting for a very needed online course that goes over the life cycle of the Alien aliens. However, I was pretty riveted during this thing. Even though the characters made Cabin in the Woods-ish decisions (more on that later), I was all in. Funny how in other movies I'd be annoyed at such things, but in others I forgive. I love forgiving so many elements of Prometheus. It does bring horror on two levels. The obvious level -- these things are trying to kill us, as well as the big picture level -- our creator just might exist -- and he/she/it/they doesn't/don't love us all that much.

4. Looper
I'm a sucker for time travel. Looper is especially hilarious though. Not only is it a time travel movie, but it states very early on, "this is about time travel, BUT ALSO, a bunch of people have telekinesis FOR NO REASON, and the plot of the movie depends on it. As for the time travel, it reinvents the rules and focuses on the paradox of two of the same self within the same present. It's the perfect setting for plotting a course that sets young idealism at odds with hindsight wisdom (both through the eyes of a pretty amoral criminal). Rian Johnson for the win. His flicks are always interesting.

3. Argo
Not only does the movie take place in the 70s, it sort of looks like it may have been made in the 70s -- and I don't mean a lame movie from that time either. Argo is relentless in using oldschool Hollywood techniques to make me sweat despite how seemingly formulaic it is. Very fitting that Hollywood itself kind of plays a character in the story.

2. Les Misérables
I've been waiting for this movie for 25 years. When I finally saw it... I was super worried during the first hour. There was A LOT of missed opportunity here. They could have illustrated the music literally (especially during "I Dreamed a Dream") rather than focusing on the close-ups (which turned out rather distracting than intimate). BUT, by the end, I was completely in. I'm in love with Eponine (who was brilliant and heartbreaking) and I want to fight at the barricade no matter the lost cause (thanks to a surprisingly strong Enjolras who is never a super powerful singer when I've seen the play in the past -- and in the movie is possibly the thawed out cryogenic remains of Tom Bailey from Thompson Twins). That last shot got me, man. I'm weeping now.

1. The Cabin in the Woods
Very rarely do I see a movie in the middle of the year and say to myself as I'm watching it, "Well, that's my favorite movie this year." It was pretty easy with The Cabin in the Woods. It's almost unfortunate that The Avengers did well. If I were Joss Whedon, I'd actually be a little miffed that his superior work was so overshadowed. If you watch scary movies, it helps. But Cabin isn't especially scary. It does provide an amazing analogy for why we as a movie-going people continually demand all the things we endlessly complain about. Also, the movie kicks ass.

Questions, disagreements and comments are welcome.

airing of grievances 2012

It's Festivus today. The list of grievances is small this year, but that doesn't mean you haven't disappointed me.

Blinking yellow arrows --
Have you seen these? Now instead of having just a green light, some intersections have a blinking yellow arrow to signify that you can turn left, but still yield to oncoming traffic. Yeah, so it's exactly the same as a green light. The only difference is you may glance up, see that you have a yellow arrow (which normally means "Hurry! You have one second left of a free left turn!"), hit the gas suddenly, and then get hit by an oncoming semi. Seriously. Call your councilman. These are deadly. They must be stopped.

Cutting down something incredibly popular --
Not a fan of Bieber or Twilight. But such things are a part of popular culture and if I bring them up as a part of a natural conversation, I really don't need you telling me how horrible and stupid such things are for the next half hour. I've been subject to that half hour far too many times. It's one I don't need over and over again. It's one nobody needs.

Pandora --
I love the internet music system Pandora and I listen to it every single workday. Pandora is especially proud of their algorithm to piece together all my stations and play things from a combination of everything I listen to. Pandora, don't be proud of this. All it means is it takes all my extremes out of the equation and pumps an overarching selection of safe blandness into my ears. A combination of Oingo Boingo, Erasure, Abba, Rolling Stones and Pink Floyd means I only hear Blondie over and over and over. Get over it Pandora. Loosen your stupid algorithm.

Pandora --
Also, sometimes Pandora plays too many of my favorite songs in a row. Eventually I get sick of hearing good music. Now I just hate music period. I hate hating music.

iTunes --
Yesterday I had a nervous breakdown trying to upload something from iTunes to my iPod. I'm an Apple man until the day I die, but iTunes is taunting me lately.

Take out --
I order a lot of take out. I get the impression that they want me to tip me. They put the check in a little leather case with a pen and everything so I can write the tip in. Then they look away slightly as if they're giving me my privacy to give them money for handing me a plastic bag where they forgot to put utensils in. I'm generous, but I'm not tipping for take out. That's crazy, right? And if I did tip, I'd request it just go right to the cooks. I don't consider myself served unless someone at least pours me a water.

Christmas songs --
I haven't heard "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses yet this year. Pathetic. What's up with that? Get on it stations!

KOSY --
Speaking of, this isn't a grievance, but it must win the award for Grinchiest move of the year. KOSY 106.5 suddenly changed formats to a rock station 4 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. Douche move, radio. They were still playing Christmas music. Sure we have a lot of Christmas music on other stations, but douche move, right? I mean. It's the weekend before Christmas. In a more broad sense though, what about Showtunes Saturday? I will miss that, even though she kept playing the same showtunes over and over again, which is a grievance in itself. I will listen to the new rock station. Rock will never die. Zeppelin rules!

Outdoor malls --
Why do all new malls exist outside instead of inside? It's a conspiracy to colden us up and get us to buy more clothes. Give us a roof! Central heating!

I have lots more grievances, but they're all in my subconscious and Festivus is over. Stupid subconscious.

it's been fun. oh my.

The apocalypse will be here in 54 minutes. Just wanna really quickly say that I'm sorry. I've tried hard to be good and nice. If I haven't been the goodest and nicest to you, it's not what I meant. Thanks. Love ya world!

halloween sounds 2012

Meant to post this earlier of course. This year's Halloween CD was finished just a couple of days ago. The songs are mixed sprinkled with lines from the various scary movies Insidious, Waxwork, The Gate, Tales of Terror and An American Werewolf in London.

Here's the playlist:

1. "Kiss Kiss Kill Kill" by Horror Pops
2. "Party Til You Puke" by Andrew W.K.
3. "Devil In My Car" by The B-52s
4. "In the Night" by The Pet Shop Boys
5. "Haunted" by Taylor Swift
6. "Gravy (With Some Cyanide)" by John Zacherle
7. "Wolves and Warewolves" by The Pack A.D.
8. "Baby Dracula" by Scarling
9. "Bodysnatchers" by Radiohead
10. "Dull Life" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
11. "Sneakyville" by Secession
12. "Ghost Town" by The Specials
13. "Electric Funeral" by Black Sabbath
14. "6 Underground" by Sneaker Pimps
15. "Dead Melodies" by Beck
16. "Devil's Song" by Big Pig
17. "Paul Newman vs. the Demons" by The Avett Brothers
18. "Anything Can Happen on Halloween" by Tim Curry

As always, let me know and I'll burn a copy for you. Yes, Halloween is over,  but there's always The Day of the Dead.

48 hour film project 2012

Alright, so I'm finally posting our movie from this year's 48 hour film project.

We kept it in the can for a while because we wanted to make a few more minor corrections, but most of the glaring flaws are still in it which is one of the fun things about doing the 48 hour thing (when I say "fun" I guess I really mean suicidally aggravating).

Anyway, here's the deal. We drew the genre "drama" and had 48 hours from that point to make a movie. At the time of the drawing we were also given specific elements we needed to use. Our required prop was a watch. Our required character name was Al Crofton and that character needed to be related to someone famous. Our required line was "I meant to tell you a few days ago."

I pitched a sort of time travel concept to the rest of the team. It was an idea regarding time travel I had sorta had for several years. Since it's such a science fiction idea (which is another genre we could have drawn), it took a little bit of convincing. Also of note, the plot is strikingly similar to John Maxim and Cameron Daley's 48 hour film from like three years ago (which a bunch of us actually helped out a little on). For that reason, we threw in the "paradox" line.

Anyway, here's the video below. You will notice aspect ratio issues, weird sound, camera bumps and terrible acting by yours truly (but not the other players). You'll also really notice a weird color shift that makes Chad look like he's a chameleon struggling to ward off a predator (or sort of like Predator struggling with his invisibility device).


 I'm wondering if anyone else has the same curiosity and fear of time travel that I have.

 Wanna hear something that probably only I think is funny? There used to be a show on TNT called Monstervision. It wasn't so much a show as it was a couple of horror or sci-fi movies with a host by the name of Joe Bob Briggs who commented on the action at the commercial breaks. He once reported on one movie that the writer said "his original version was much darker" Joe Bob quipped that you never hear a writer or director say that their original version was "much lighter." When I outlined the idea for "Back," there wasn't really a huge conflict between the friends. They knew what they were doing was serious, but they were both on board with it and joking to the end. I also envisioned a few humorous elements regarding nudity because, like in the Terminator movies, time travel necessitated going back in the nude. Ultimately, the rest of the team convinced me that we needed to emphasize more drama so we really staked up the tension between Chad's character and mine. Also, everyone didn't really want to bother with the nude scene even though I was totally all for it.

14th of july is still a go!

Quick blog reminder for you that the 14th of July is still happening. I tried to stop it. I was going to retire it. Fortunately and unfortunately, the 14th is sentient and it's still happening.

Not aware of the details? Here: http://www.facebook.com/events/203660313093839/

It's on a Saturday this year so that means it's more of a day thing rather than an evening thing. That's good. Now the slip 'n slide won't be nearly as chilly as usual.

This year we're adding the prestigious Miss Spirit of the 14th of July. Will you win it? The qualifications are vague and honestly unwritten at the moment, but likely  the key qualification will simply be wrestling the sash away from me.

There will certainly be lime-tinged deep fried things. There will be lactose consumption. There will be some form of nog.

Mostly, of course, there will be lounging and talking. Oh, and I'll throw some cheap vinyl on a cheap player.

Anyway, the point is, please come along. Get wet, drink milk, listen to samba. It will be a good excuse to see you again. You know who you are.

Here's hoping some of  you are still subscribed by Google Reader to this blog.

How have you been? I really miss you. You may feign modesty and deny it, but you know I do. I totally do.

I could really use your help. My friends and I are ensconced in the 48 Hour Film Project and since we won't be assigned our film until the 48 hours start, we don't have time to prepare in advance. That means the costumes and sets and props and stuff will need to be obtained spur of the moment. This could get expensive.

Cutting right to it, we've started a Kickstarter campaign for the shoot's cash supply. If you didn't bother to read anything to this point, this 30-second video sort of explains everything.



Notice you're not just giving money away. If you give five bucks, you will officially become a producer on the film and your name will appear in the credits. Not a bad gig. Seriously.

Any amount will be very very appreciated, but keep in mind there are other rewards at the $20.00 and $30.00 mark.

It should now be Friday morning. You're at work, taking it slightly easy checkin' out people's blogs. Maybe you even got paid today. Please don't cure cancer today. Be a part of something funner than cancer.

Go here! http://kck.st/KhWVDm

And one more thing... if we don't reach our modest Kickstarter goal, we don't get ANYTHING. We're 25% of the way there and the campaign ends Wednesday. Jump in now!

the avengers will suck

I know I never write anymore.

But I have to say this and I think you know why.

The Avengers movie will suck.

SOMEBODY has to say it. We can't go to this movie with nothing but good omens. The only place to go would be down.

There are only a few hours left until we all see it, so let's do a little brainstorming shall we?

1. We can't accept another Hulk into our lives. Bill Bixby, Lou Ferrigno, Eric Bana, Edward Norton, Mark Ruffalo. Hulks are like drummers for Spinal Tap. We stopped taking them seriously after the third one. Of course the other side of the coin is that it makes no difference who plays Hulk since it's really the one character made cartoon by necessity. Allow me to rant against CG: [same old complaint since 1998 -- CG characters don't have life or weight]. Anyway, summation: too many living actors and too much lifeless technology.

2. No Vision and the Scarlet Witch*. Maybe it's just me, but I've always felt that the literal marriage between technology and the occult is the most beautiful kind of romance on Earth. You took that from me Whedon!

3. Redundancies. The Hulk's power is that he's super strong. Captain America's power is that he's super strong (and can jump fences (and can hide behind shields)). Thor's power is that he has a hammer that makes him super strong.

4. Loki. Apparently they decided on the boringest, wettest villain of all the pre-Avenger movies to be the feature in the big one.

5. No time for love. Sure, there will be lots of action and butt-kicking and explosions, but with six main characters (and only the least-important one female), we're not gonna get any semblance of a well-formed romantic sub-plot that my boyfriends and I love to see in movies like this.

6. Helicopter Thor. They may have Thor swing his hammer around like a helicopter again and that looks stupid.

7. Hulk-a-go-crazy. It's gonna be awesome to see Hulk go nuts on the bad guys, but I have a feeling that the random rage that powers him will be conveniently controlled in the team setting without an adequate explanation. I've never understood how someone like Hulk could consciously be on a team. Maybe that's me. You got a lotta 'splainin to do Whedon! BUT DON'T DO SO MUCH 'SPLAININ THAT IT CUTS INTO THE BUTT-KICKING AND/OR LOVE!

8. Cobie Smulders. Apparently she's in it. How can we enjoy The Avengers without thinking about how awesome and hilarious the first three seasons of How I Met Your Mother were?

9. Popular kids. When you read all those Marvel comic books in the past, didn't you think that The Avengers were actually the sort of pretty-boy rich team? They didn't have the edge of The X-Men. They're just a little too polished and noble. Don't you want to tear that down a little? I'm not crazy. I just don't like things to be too good. Super good people make me uncomfortable. That's not weird.

10. If there are vampires in this movie, they probably inexplicably know kung-fu. Remember on Buffy when she'd fight vampires with martial arts? Sure it makes sense that Buffy knows martial arts, but why would the vampires? When you die, do you learn martial arts in the blink of an eye? It doesn't make sense. Anyway, Joss Whedon made Buffy the Vampire Slayer as well as the upcoming Avengers.

I know many of you know someone who saw an advance screening and that person has said it's the best movie ever made. Please know that everyone who went to an advance screening was BOUGHT. How can Paramount afford to pay off every single person who saw an advance screening? Because they're making an investment in HYPE. They need to maintain the hype machine on the movie through the weekend so that the buzz carries the picture to a $500 million weekend gross.

Don't trust advance screeners!

I'll see you at 12:15 on row F!

*In case you're wondering (and I KNOW you haven't read down this far), Vision is a hyper-advanced robot who was once with the Avengers. Another Avenger, the Scarlet Witch is the daughter of Magneto (from the X-Men franchise) and has the ability to change probability. They actually in sort of an unholy alliance (yet romantic!) way fell in love and got married.

v.d. '12

"To sleep, perchance to Dream" -- Shakespeare.

"To Feel Perchance to Love" -- the title of some dude's online Sherlock Holmes fan fiction.

"To dream of love, perchance to consume the greatest sweetness in the highest quantity (but then throw up later)" -- Madsen.

I grew up in hearing the British New Romantic pop music movement in the background constantly. Ideally, love is as sparkly as synth. Learned that from the 80s.

Unfortunately, I went through puberty in the 90s. Maybe that's the reason I always associate love with pain. Why did we have so much pain and cynicism in the 90s? The cold war was over. The arms race was abating and we were an unrivaled superpower. 9/11 and the time of terror was another world away.

Maybe we had too much love. That would start any grunge movement.

To lovers past, present and future: the hurt's been fun.

jon's 2012 big announcement

It's my living wish that you watch this video. I'm starting it here and moving it to all other media later today.

why not come sundancing it's only natural

Please note that I'm hitting up the Sundance Film Festival this year. I have Friday, January 20 off of work, so I'm going to try to make a day of it. If I can, I'm going to try to get into the following films:

9:00 am: The Queen of Versailles (documentary about rich people from the housing boom stuck with an unfinished palace)

11:15 am: The Raid (sounds like the Indonesian martial arts version of Die Hard)

3:00 pm: Indie Game (documentary on independent video game creators)

6:30 pm: Celeste and Jesse Forever (Andy Samberg and Rashida Jones get divorced)

9:45 pm: Red Lights (It's by the guy who made Buried and it's got Cillian Murphy and Elizabeth Olsen)

11:45 pm: Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie (sounds weird and funny)

If anyone would like to go to these or any other movies on Friday, please let me know. I'm going to try to wake up early and go to the box office to grab what tickets are available. I probably won't be able to get all of my choices, but I'll prioritize. Please let me know. It'll be fun.

2011 a quarter of a picture at a time

Much of my record keeping this last year has been in Twitter entries. I'm reproducing the most life-changing Tweets here as my final (extremely accurate) summation of 2011. I guess I talk about movies a lot huh?

21 January:
About to watch Bellflower -- the riskiest sounding film today (future tweet: Bellflower is the dumbest movie I've ever seen). #sundance

1 February
Made it through Winter's Bone! Fascinating science fiction. Takes place on a planet called "Ozarks."

2 February
Aaaaand just finished The Kids Are All Right. Huh. Lesbianism is far boringer than I have been led to believe.

6 February
I'm totally loving being in the middle of this righteous five-day weekend! Well, except that I have to work for two of the five days.

10 February
This just in! Jerry Sloan to become the new president of Egypt!

16 February
Really? Watson didn't pick Skynet as its charity? #jeopardy

27 February
Babies aren't made through sexual intercourse. Made up 8000 years ago cuz propagating human race seemed like a good excuse to fool around.

27 February
Man, Billy Crystal's gone downhill since Miracle Max.

1 March
Never been drunk, but whenever I eat Carolina BBQ chips I wake up with a massive hangover.

6 March
You know how people say "everything happens for a reason?" The Adjustment Bureau teaches the horror of that statement.

8 March
Think I'm giving up R movies for Lent, which might be rough because I only have 129 PG movies in my instant queue and 152 in my DVD queue.

9 March
Other things I'm considering Lenting: red meat, washing hands after using the toilet, words with the letter K, hookers.

22 March
So Mickey Rourke is gonna play Gadhafi in the movie, right? RIGHT?!

23 March
Big announcement! The limitations of twitter don't do it justice. Please check my blog: http://jonmadsen.blogspot.com/2011/03/blog-post.html

3 April
Whoops! Left the car windows down during the blizzard! Ha ha! That is so me (I hate everything and everyone)!

7 April
Got Thursday off. The Pringles and clam dip coma begins... NOW!

17 April
Watching a recorded Kimmel show from earlier. Seriously, there were THIRTY-SIX commercials between Tom Arnold and @alisonbrie. #thanxDVR

17 April
Sorry, but I have to say it again. One TV show. 36 advertisements right in a row. I still have it recorded. Come over and watch. Fascinating

20 April
I'm working on my fore-handed insults. Example: "Your ignorance barely disguises how much prettier you are than me."

23 April
Wow. Nothing says pathetic and out of shape more than a softball victory through forfeit and then actually being sore from it the next day.

24 April
2011 has been my very favorite Easter. In fact I'm gonna call it "Eastest."

1 May
I need to reiterate. ALL the Fast and the Furious movies suck (except the first one, the third one, the fourth one and the fifth one).

6 May
That scene where Thor walks into the room without his shirt on will prevent all girls from wanting to score with me this year.

6 May
I mean that had to be CGI right? Related: I'm now a little gayer.

6 May
@averagejoseph Flippin. They should have called it: "Thor: God of Thunder from Down Under."

7 May
It was mildly warm today. Big welcome to the first swass of the season! Let's enjoy it until October!

27 May
The Hangover Part II was pretty much like any other Netflix streaming horror movie of the week, but my theater had a laugh track.

4 June
Hottest babes in First Class in order: that Kravitz chick, January Jones, Michael Fassbender.

7 June
Our city garbage can emanates rank odor. I want to throw it away, but the city never takes it when I set it by the curb.

14 June
Last night I wrote 12 pages in my journal! Angst-ridden junior high moping is back bitches!

21 June
I look better than I feel. And I feel badass.

22 June
How was your Solstice? I celebrated by totally beating a girl at tennis.

22 June
Just had an awesome, refreshing sneeze. It's the best thing that's happened to me today and, I guess, all summer.

28 June
I'm feeling fat today. I really mean that. I'm literally feeling myself up right now.

28 June
Okay, I just saw how gross that last one looks. Sorry. I'm just saying my hand got stuck in one of my ab chins. That's it.

28 June
It's just that I'm in a quiet room right now and when I move slightly I can actually hear sections of my body sloshing around.

1 July
Sometimes I'm proud of just how gassy I can be.

4 July
Ugh. I've got the biggest Romulan ale hangover right now (Earthicans might call it a Mountain Dew Voltage hangover).

6 July
Why do I always feel so damn unsexy on Wednesdays? Is it because new comic books come out on Wednesdays?

8 July
So, checking this out and I guess the biggest difference between Google+ and Facebook is that chicks aren't allowed on Google+.

11 July
New discovery! Dipping Tim's salt and vinegar chips in Cafe Rio dressing! Amazing! Other news: I've just gone blind.

14 July
My iPad just told me it's too hot and needs to go inside. I guess I'm ready for children now.

21 July
Heading to midnight show of Captain America in a couple of hours. Will also be ironically wearing my Nazi uniform.

8 August
Finally have the six-pack I've always wanted! I just have to bend my stomach so I have six ab-flab chins!

10 August
This tweet is a cry for help. I've been extremely depressed lately and also one of my arms is caught in a bear trap.

17 August
Soooo hungry! But I have to save my money to purchase a unicycle tomorrow.

26 August
Village Inn has this thing where you pick four breakfast items for seven bucks. Thanks vi! You prevented my suicide today!

26 August
Also, Village Inn changed its name to vi. Do you pronounce that "vih" or "six"?

8 October
Is it just me or does Febreze just "moisten" the odor?

21 October
Off blondes again. Adding them to the list (which includes brunettes, redheads and "other").

22 October
I know I've said this before, but shouldn't "School's Out" by Alice Cooper be the absolute LAST song played at a college football game?

1 November
Cold now, so I purchased a vintage green army style jacket. Walked past a mirror and discovered to my horror that I've become Taxi Driver.

1 November
Just re-entered the 21st century as a woman by watching the first episode of Gilmore Girls.

6 November
I'm wearing my sexy favorite jeans right now. I feel like Robert Plant. I've never felt more masculine (or feminine).

18 November
Watching Burn Notice for the first time. Unique. I'd call its genre something like "noir jour."

18 November
The subtle humor of my last tweet depends on your knowledge of Burn Notice, international film history and the French language.

20 November
People who know me know my biggest fear is flash mobs. Now there's a Fox TV show devoted to the subject. The universe is conspiring...

5 December
I just experienced the first-time wonder of my inner 13-year-old girl. I was shaking a sealed container and my boobs started bouncing.

6 December
Am watching Gilmore Girls. DAMMIT!!! Why did I just announce that to the world... again?!

24 December
Watched the new Dragon Tattoo flick. Totally lost from the very start. NO ONE in the whole film explained why everyone was speaking English.

26 December
Finally saw the new "colorized" version of Footloose (by that I mean it's shot for shot same as original, but they added some black actors).

29 December
Will 2011 just END already?!?!

31 December
Reflections from this last year: disappointment, loneliness. Things to look forward to next year: disappointment, loneliness, apocalypse.

the 46 best movies of 2011!

DISCLAIMER: Once again, I'm late posting this, but at least I started typing before the year ended, so this post should still "appear" as posted in 2011.




Notice from this year's ticket stub scan that it was a very fruitful year for filmgoing (+5 from last year!). This year I grouped it by stub for some interesting stats:

- 9 Sundance movies at the festival itself (one of which was a collection of shorts (which, for the most part, sucked))
- Only 1 movie at the dollar theater
- 10 movies at Broadway (not including the ones from Sundance or the X96 horror special)
- 14 movies at the Gateway (the most popular theater of 2011!)
- 8 movies at Century 16
- 1 movie at Union Heights
- (If all these movies don't add up, I did see several movies on DVD and streaming a few months after they came out)

The list:

46. Hobo with a Shotgun
I was so excited to see this movie, but it wound up being my least favorite experience in the theater all year. Subtlety in itself isn't important in making a movie, but subtlety is necessary when straddling the line between honoring a genre and ridiculing a genre. Ridicule, in itself, is loud and tedious. And the line I mentioned that this movie needed to straddle? It painted over that line with blood and skin and then exploded it.

45. The Hangover Part II
This was insultingly exactly like the first movie -- even taking into account how often that kind of thing happens in this day and age. It doesn't help that I'm one of the only people who thought the first movie kinda blew. Maybe people will come to their senses in hindsight with the release of this one.

44. to.get.her
This one's something I caught at Sundance about a bunch of girls getting killed. The previous sentence was sorta more exciting than the movie.

43. Bellflower
Another Sundance movie. Most people who saw it that I'm aware of (critics mostly) really loved it. Probably because it was a real big chance-taker as far as tonal changes go. Even though I really didn't like the movie, I want people to see it so people can convince me otherwise. SPOILER ALERT (sorta): The first half of the movie is a meet-cute romantic comedy and the second half of the movie is psychotic and violent. It was very memorable, but I felt the tonal shift wasn't earned and was pretty cheap.

42. Another Earth
Lots of people are understandably hesitant to check out independent movies for several reasons. They may be afraid the movie is pretentious or boring or something. Usually, they're not -- BUT every year I see one that absolutely justifies everybody's fears. This year I felt it was Another Earth. The idea of "show, don't tell" is a good one, to be sure; BUT when the emotion you're trying to tell is "mopey," PLEASE don't just show a girl actually silently moping for two hours. The side story concept of the movie is actually pretty cool (another mirror earth is heading toward ours, presumably with duplicates of ourselves that we may be able to converse with regarding our own strengths and frailties), but the movie reveals no deep insight and doesn't even ask any further questions than what exists in the trailer for the movie.

41. Tower Heist
I guess I couldn't see what was coming, but ONLY because the twists were very unnatural, and forced. Also, I COULD see the jokes coming.

40. Anonymous
I suppose it was way better than I thought it would be. This one didn't have a chance of winning me over because even before I went to see it I proclaimed that the identity of Shakespeare was vague enough for me that his identity didn't matter in the slightest. Certainly a rose by any other name, right? Still though, the movie was way more fun with the assumption it was just a period piece and not one sorta based on facts. SPOILER ALERT: incest.

39. Bobby Fischer vs. the World
It's a pretty good documentary, but the unanswered stuff was still unanswered. Bobby Fischer's most interesting years are lost to us because nobody was bothering to film him during his super crazy years.

38. Knuckle
A documentary on Irish Travelers settling their differences through punching each other. I sort of felt bad about watching it, considering its exploitation possibly contributed to more bare knuckle boxing -- also the footage wasn't ideal.

37. Unknown
Eric Snider summed it up best when he said it's a movie about a man named Martin Harris who "loses things." Jeff Bayer summed it up with an impersonation of Liam Neeson saying, "I'd like you to find someone... me!" January Jones is in this movie. She's a great example of why the sex robot industry will never actually catch on.

36. Troll Hunter
I love the documentary feel of this thing, but it strangely went on too long or something. Maybe, what if the Trolls were about 20 feet shorter I'd get involved in the world maybe? Oh well, whatever nobody saw this one anyway.

35. Take Me Home Tonight
If you see this one you may be very confused when Topher Grace and Teresa Palmer play a little game where they see who can yell an embarrassing word the loudest. Yes, the very same game played in (500) Days of Summer. I guess the reason for this is because Take Me Home Tonight has been shelved for several years. Now it comes out and its embarrassing scene is also embarrassing because it looks like it's very blatantly ripping off another film. Well that's sad. The movie isn't incredibly funny, but I did like it because it's about a guy who is insecure about what he wants to do with his life. In this particular case, they knew their audience.

34. Footloose
Exactly like the original only with a few black people and I won't fondly remember this 20 years from now like I did with the original. It's science. You can't beat the Bacon. Strangely, the punch dance sequence is replaced with a very non-dancy White Stripes song. Points for the White Stripes, as always.

33. Moneyball
Fascinating. Also interesting Jonah Hill work. Way to go dramatic, fat man. Too bad his character doesn't exist in real life.

32. Conan O'brien Can't Stop
Another documentary. Conan made fun of one of his backup singers and all I can think about is how awkward it is between them now that he made fun of her everyone behind her back.

31. Scream 4
I saw it mostly to see Alison Brie. I liked the end. I sorta saw it coming, but that's not the point. I like it less now that I've thought about it. Horror probably needs another injection of something original (like Scream did in 1996). This franchise is long gone though.

30. Jane Eyre
Aaaand Michael Fassbender makes his first appearance on the list! *platonicswoon* I liked the movie okay, but I was slightly disappointed. This is my first exposure to the Charlotte Bronte story and I was hoping for more horror or supernatural elements (which I had heard this particular version was going to emphasize (and it really didn't)).

29. Tabloid
Very weird documentary about the Mormon missionary who was kidnapped by an insane woman in England. Weird subject that may have crossed some weird LDS lines in its presentation. Still, I credit for layering a story of exploitation into a sort of exploitation itself.

28. Rise of the Planet of the Apes
This was very very good. People who saw it initially were really surprised at how good it was. People who saw it after the initial positive hype wore down were again surprised. I think I saw it in the middle when the energy died down, because I don't remember much of it. I'll have to see it again. There's no beating the films in the '60s and '70s, though. That goes without saying. It should anyway. Forget I said that, then.

27. 30 Minutes or Less
Very dark comedy. I like how the jokes work in life or death type situations.

26. Horrible Bosses
Very dark comedy. I like how the jokes work in life or death type situations.

25. Captain America
When I walked out of it I said I liked it more than Thor, but now that the year's over I'm finding myself change my mind. Still liked it though. The movie really made me appreciate the character and I've never cared about Cap before.

24. Tree of Life
It's only my 24th favorite movie of the year, but the movie really, truly is majestic. Honestly, it's also boring though. It faces the limitation of our automatic expectations of going to movies. We expect to come in, sit down, hear exposition through dialogue and action, build to a climax, get resolution and then view the credits. When a movie like Tree of Life comes into our lives, I think we automatically resist it. This movie just doesn't tell a story the way movies do. It tells it more like a painting does.

23. Like Crazy
I would have liked this movie more if it wasn't so depressing. I was expecting something more feel-good and I would say that's exactly what I needed going into the theater. Much better than the Drew Barrymore movie Going the Distance, which pretty much shares the same plot.

22. The Descendants
"Nothing just happens." "EVERYTHING just happens!" Usually tact and restraint aren't heralded as virtues, and maybe they aren't here, but I like where things went in this.

21. Young Adult
If you see this, tell me what you think of the very end. It bugged me at first, but I think I really like it now. The movie isn't as funny as I thought it would be (and isn't supposed to be), but it proved that Charlize Theron is built for humor (more than I would have thought).

20. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
May as well see the Swedish version. The American version is way more explicit in the really vile scenes that I thought for sure would be heavier in Europe. Also, I was lost the entire time because none of the characters elaborated on why they're all in Sweden yet constantly spoke English.

19. Crazy Stupid Love
One of my favorite scenes of the year (which I've elaborated on elsewhere) is the seduction scene between Gosling and Emma Stone (in which there's no sex, but liberating conversation).

18. The Adjustment Bureau
The moral seems to be to shun all the angels watching over us. Of course, "be the best YOU you can be" is good too (also good as the moral of an after school special). Still, see it with friends. It's always great to have a stimulating conversation on the true nature of free will.

17. Source Code
The guy who directed this also directed Moon (which is an awesome indie sci-fi movie from a few years ago) AND is the son of David Bowie! This movie was good.

16. Thor
Like Captain America, Thor is a Marvel Universe character that's always annoyed me. Really loved his character in the movie though. I liked the story arc. I mean the guy was a god and he really became a good character through passing through the valley (all by "descending" to Earth like some other God-man we know (Superman (okay, fine. E.T.))). Also, we must assume that the abs and pecs on Chris Hemsworth were CGI. Right?!?! Gotta be, RIGHT!?!?

15. The Devil's Double
This movie is about the true story of the guy who was the body double for Uday Hussein. It's as interesting as it sounds -- also with car chases and exotic middle eastern women.

14. Beginners
I really loved Ewan McGregor's character dealing with his dad's sudden gayness and cancerness. Christopher Plummer is always welcome. I did have a problem with the hot girl popping into his life so readily and willingly for no apparent reason. This trend happens more in independent movies than mainstream movies for some reason. Maybe it makes me pissed off that I consider myself an independent film goer, but I'm not part of the real-life scene where hot girls want to be with me from the moment they meet me. Still, though, the hot girl was played by Melanie Laurant who is on the short list for crush of the year (probably just beaten by Michael Fassbender).

13. Tucker and Dale vs. Evil
This movie is a bit cathartic for me since it consists entirely of douchebags getting violently killed (by their own idiocy).

12. The Trip
This one's different. Watch this clip: http://youtu.be/HFIQIpC5_wY
That's pretty much how the whole movie is.

11. Fast 5
Every movie in this franchise has sucked except for the first one, the third one, the fourth one and now the fifth one. The joy of these movies are in the irony only in concept (but not execution). Take the story's "easy" job for example. The characters need some quick cash so they can pull off their "big job" later in the movie. What's their easy job? It's robbing CARS from a MOVING TRAIN using a DUNE BUGGY in the five minutes before the train goes over a BRIDGE 500 FEET OVER A RIVER. Now THAT'S an exciting "easy job."

10. Insidious
There was good horror here lacking in Scream 4. Fun horror. Weird horror. Good times.

9. Super 8
Not perfect, but Abrams did an awesome job of sucking us in with the kids' characters before the imperfections were oh, so apparent (i.e. the alien thing (also the meaningless reconciliation of the two fathers)). Was your favorite scene of the year when Elle Fanning did her practice take? It was probably mine.

8. Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Brad Bird is a reality. Also, do sandstorms like that exist in Dubai? Because 1) it makes me grateful I only need to worry about snow and 2) if you're that rich, maybe you ought to live in a place where you don't walk outside and are blinded. Also, huge kudos to the franchise for abandoning the lame concept of just throwing a mask on Tom Cruise for everything. It's a cop out of a concept.

7. X-Men: First Class
Fassbender strikes again. I'm a huge huge X-Men fan and this may have strayed a little too far from X-canon (for those of you who don't know, Alex Summers (Havok) is Scott Summers' (Cyclops) YOUNGER BROTHER, not father -- that little detail will be hard to explain if they consider the future of the franchise). BUT the heart of this thing is the close relationship of two men with very different ideals and a pretty thrilling period piece of a swinging '60s storyline that ultimately separates them. This movie also has Sex Robot January Jones.

6. Midnight in Paris
This year's Woody achieved a better ranking than last year (You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger only hit 11 on last year's list), but I actually liked Midnight in Paris less than most other who saw it. As a pretty die-hard Woody Allen fan, I was very surprised that this on is his huge hit. His last big buzz was for Match Point and that one deserves a lot more credit than this one. Still, like I said, I'm a die hard, so even though I can say I was disappointed -- I still loved it. If you do like Midnight in Paris I would definitely suggest checking out The Purple Rose of Cairo. It's got a similar feel and story plus Woody Allen doesn't actually appear in it if that's what annoys you about most Woody Allen movies.

5. Bridesmaids
I already knew I loved Kristen Wiig, but my bit revelation with this movie was Melissa McCarthy. Feel free to check out her character's introductions when Kristen Wiig meets her and she responds with the story of falling off a cruise ship and "kinda pin-balled down hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit." The movie was probably mis-titled since it's really only one character's story and not an ensemble. Laughed though. Pretty hard.

4. Drive
Ahh. So cool. Have you seen it? If you have, picture the evolution of Carey Mulligan's character's state of mind from when she gets into the elevator to when she gets out of the elevator. She's going to the crazy house, right? That soundtrack is just so groovy. It's vintage '80s pastels in audio form, but here's the thing -- no irony. I'm really looking forward to the coming decade because I think we're finally starting to put the irony-laden '90s behind us. Oh! Also Albert Brooks is the scariest guy of the year -- and it's ALBERT BROOKS!

3. Silent House
Time for my Elizabeth Olsen double header. Okay, this may have been the scariest HORROR movie I saw all year. Yes, it did have a gimmick -- a 75 minute single take -- but the gimmick was beyond impressive and it only made the imagery scarier seeing it applied in real time with no cutaways.

2. Martha Marcy May Marlene
Okay, this may have been the scariest MOVIE I saw all year. It's not a horror, but the psychological manipulation worked for me. Once again, this has Sundance darling Elizabeth Olsen steering the ship sideways. I actually caught Silent House at Sundance, but not this one. They both played concurrently. Even though I think I liked Martha Marcy May Marlene more, I'm glad to have seen it later (because Silent House won't be released until later this year). Anyway, this sucker's weird and psychological and mind trippy and sort of incomplete (which helps in its illustration of confusion).

1. Hanna
People didn't like it as much as I did. I thought it was an exhilarating action movie. Okay, you know what? Obviously my favorite scene of the year was the long take of Eric Bana in the subway station. Chemical Brothers on the soundtrack for the ultimate win. The director, is Joe Wright, and I think he does stuff like Atonement and Pride and Prejudice. I think he injected quite a bit of character and class to the weird troubled kid action movie genre (that's a weird genre)

Here is a list of movie stubs of 2010 movies that I saw in 2011.

One was good and three were pretty good.

airing of grievances '11

A picture of the preview screen on my camera (because I can't find my SD card reader and the camera dock connection only works half the time and it takes forever anyway) of holiday gifts underneath a Festivus pole can only mean one thing: it's time for this year's airing of grievances.

A camera that doesn't sync up to a computer with a standard USB attachment-
Hey! I can't find my SD card reader. It's the 21st century. Cameras and computers should be able to talk to each other all the time. It's not like we're putting pictures on paper anymore.

Low urinals-
Nobody's that short. Not even me. Not at my work anyway. If you're so short you can't reach the urinal, bring a booster stander. Can I aim that low? Yes. Does the angle and velocity cause a higher danger of gross splashback? YES. And there is the high urinal, but it's always taken and I feel really strange entering and then immediately exiting the bathroom when that's the case.

Popcorn-
After 100 years can't we get a different relatively cheap movie munchie? Popcorn butter makes me nauseated. Also, even if I just observe a friend eating popcorn, I get a kernel stuck in my teeth somehow.

Nauseous-
If you're nauseous, it means you cause nausea. Nobody uses this correctly, not even Lisa Simpson.

He and I-
When you say "he and I" or "she and I," are you ABSOLUTELY SURE you're using them as the subjects of the sentence? There's a very good chance you're supposed to be using different words.

Diet Coke-
Alright. I know half of us love it, but it's about time we said out loud that it's obviously far more addictive than normal Coke. Why is it so necessary for half of us to drink it non-stop when WATER tastes way better. As I'm typing this, I think there's a good chance I've aired my grievance on this already. Oh well. Here's the deal though, if you want something sweet, drink something sweet. Maybe THEN the craving will go away rather than ruling your life daily.

New Coke-
Where has it been?

RC Cola-
It's just Pepsi, right?

Ergonomics-
When are they going to make the computer station with the screen angled high and down and the keyboard close to the lap and heavily angled away? You know a work and viewing station based on SLOUCHING -- which is my natural formation.

Internet-
We've all got high speed internet, but it's way slower than it used to be because most of the processing of the internet is bells, whistles and flash. I would kill for a major website that's strictly text based. I don't care what it looks like. Put the links in the right order and easy to see and I'll collect the information just fine thanks.

DVR programming-
I can handle when a show starts a little early. I can handle when it ends late. How is it possible that The Simpsons does both? Don't make me miss things!

Potholes-
There's one here:
... and here:
I hit these holes EVERY DAY!

Gears of War 3 map download-
So I can play "Blood Drive" online, but when I try to play Horde or with bots or something, it doesn't show that I've downloaded it -- even though I can play the level when someone else hosts. Can somebody please explain this to me?

Photoshop-
It crashes when I update my OS. It doesn't let me upgrade to the pay version when the demo runs out. Adobe doesn't give it to me when they grift me into buying an upgrade I can't use. How about a suitable rip-off I can use for free (that's not gimpy)?

Gilmore girls-
Actually, the show's not half bad. I enjoy many of the wacky characters in Star's Hollow. The two worst ones, though, are the ones in the title. And what's up with capitalizing "Gilmore," but not "girls"? A step back for feminism, indeed.

Christmas on Sunday this year-
Hey, Christmas should be a religious holiday. We should go to church for three hours. But we should be able to go in our pajamas.

2011-
I could hardly think of any grievances this year. Is that a good thing? Does that mean I'm not bugged by stuff anymore? ...

2011 was lame.

The Airing of Grievances is an annual tradition. If you achieved some level of catharsis by reading this, perhaps you should check out past years. Many of them are much better than this one. In fact...

Airing of Grievances '11-
This was the lamest one ever.

take! take! take!

Alright, your Christmas gift is listed below! Just pick a number between 1 and 34 and I'll reserve that gift for you. No hints as to what's underneath my extraordinary wrapping (although, you should be able to figure out quite a few (I mean, look at #5 for cryin' out loud)). Go ahead and give me your number in the comments for this blog post. If you can come pick up your gift -- AWESOME. If not, I'd be happy to deliver if you're in driving distance (probably on Dec. 24th).

Don't feel bad for picking a number, I gotta get rid of all of these. I WANT you to have your gift.

(UPDATE: 1, 2 , 4, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12, 13, 16, 17, 19, 21, 22 and 31 are no longer available)

Here we go:

(15 and 16 are not pictured)

(It's nothing major (like they're too large to get pictured or something))

(They just haven't arrived in the mail yet)