bmi/tmi

Recently I realized something.

In order to combat this (and in a feverish panic) I went out and bought Wii Fit with one of those balance boards. I'm amazed at how personable the game is. It's like a new friend that wants to be of sincere service to me (and then insults me).

Apparently I'm "normal." I'm even slightly "younger" than my actual self physically. Here are the results of my first Wii Fit check up.



I've always considered myself more skinny than normal. According to the scale, it looks like I'm on the fat side of normal.

I rocked it out on all the games and also did a bit of yoga. I'm hoping I'll do enough yoga that eventually I won't need the game anymore to do the yoga and then get flexible and digest my food better and also achieve a sort of new age enlightenment.

At the end of the day, I burned 47 calories.

According to the calorie chart, that's a kiwi. I'm guessing a kiwi has about the same amount of calories as a cylinder of Pringles and a tub of clam dip, because that's exactly what I ate after I finished my first Wii Fit workout.

... Alright that should be the end of my blog post, but I didn't post it in time. Since I've done my first workout, I've also done my second. It just happened to fall on the day where I beat my own record of platefuls of food at Charlie Chow's (three!). That's when the real hilarity starts.

I got home and got on the Wii balance board... and then Wii Fit started scolding me.


At this point it actually asked me: "What do you feel is the cause of your weight gain?" Pretty rude. It only let me answer with one question, although I think I could have truthfully given every answer available.


I was so proud of myself on the first day, but when I took the physical tests the second time here was the result:

Yes, that's right. Now I'm physically five years older than I am chronologically... and chronologically I'm several years older than I ever thought I'd ever be.

Eventually, the Wii Fit just started using cruel psychology.


This is strange because I think I just finished eating 2.2 pounds of rice.


I've always heard that you're not supposed to eat after 9:00 p.m. I never really believed it, though. Now one of my friends is officially telling me through computerized television, so now I sorta do believe it.


I guess it's only gonna get harder. I didn't quite beat the caloric intake of the super fatty kiwi fruit this time.


I forgot to mention in my country music post that one time I got so depressed that I went to the store and heard a country music song on the radio there and actually enjoyed it. That applies again.

midweek mojo rejuvination

Got a haircut again.

That's good for everyone else, but not as good for me. I sure look better with short hair, but I don't feel like myself and I don't have anything to twirl when I'm bored.

That, and other things have removed my mojo. Somehow I need to feel more attractive (besides just looking incredibly attractive).

Right now my best short term solution is listening to good strutting music. The best I can come across is the album Brothers by The Black Keys. Try it out. While it's playing, you'll just feel cooler. That's a promise (the whole album's great, but specifically the song "Ten Cent Pistol").

Also... I'm in the middle of writing a short screenplay about a hitchhiker who tries to rob the people he's getting a ride from -- but then the people he's getting a ride from are trying to rob him at the same time. In order for the story to work, I need the characters to have reasons to want to take the car in two different directions. I also need something the hitchhiker needs from the passengers that relates to a bigger score. Also, the passengers need something specific from the hitchhiker. If you have any ideas, please shoot them to me. There's a story there. It exists, I just have to find it. I need some help looking.

poor me. poor me. pour me another drink.

Here's something I audibly tweeted in the summer of of '91 (because Twitter didn't exist yet): "I can't wait until six months from now when this country music fad will go away."

Over the course of the next couple of decades, I watched helpless as the popularity of country music just kinda hung around. Lately I've been thinking of throwing in the towel and liking country music.

I insist on only liking OLDSCHOOL country music though. Say what you will about emotion in today's songs, but that old country stuff is freakin' for real as it gets. This guy calls into work sometimes looking for country music CDs to buy and he turned me on to this old country chick named Dottie West. When I did research on some of her songs I nearly cried for multiple reasons.


Look at the track listing to her double album cd called A Legend In My Time/Sound Of Country Music. I'm ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS when I say these are real titles of real songs:

1. (I'd Be) A Legend in My Own Time
2. Don't You Ever Get Tired (Of Hurting Me)
3. Funny, Familiar, Forgotten Feelings
4. There Goes My Everything
5. Gettin' Married Has Made Us Strangers
6. No Sign of Living
7. Happiness Lives Next Door
8. Lonely Again
9. You're the Only World I Know
10. You Ain't Woman Enough
11. Together Again
12. Pick Me Up on Your Way Down
13. Someone Before Me
14. I Don't Hurt Anymore
15. Heartaches by the Number
16. City Lights
17. Slowly
18. Crazy Arms
19. I Miss You Already (And You're Not Even Gone)

How can you look at this list and not say these are the most hilarious song titles that have ever existed? I'm not making fun. If these songs are half as good as their titles, it's a steal. I'm probably buying this cd.

Here's another SNL gem from Netflix streaming that highlights my other favorite thing about oldschool country music -- the alcoholism.

http://movies.netflix.com/WiPlayer?movieid=70178605&trkid=3325853

Start watching at 6:08. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

"Prison bars don't serve liquor, and it's always closing time... in jail."

friday afternoon viewing of saturday night

Most people have Netflix these days. That is good.

Recently I noticed that Netflix is now streaming EVERY episode of Saturday Night live. Well, maybe not the current season. The important thing is that there are sketches that I haven't seen in (seriously) 30 years (yeah, some of my earliest memories are watching SNL with the fam).

I just dug up a couple of my favorites that have been on my mind for like 20 years.

This first one is about a new high school trying to decide on a mascot.

It's 1987, Season 13, Episode 3. Try this link and then it starts at 24:31.

Here's one from when Alec Baldwin first hosted the show. This is my favorite Alec Baldwin.

1989, Season 15, Episode 18. Link. Starts at 22:12

"I can handle a menu!"

betazed blues + sam puckett soul

If you know me well at all, you know I'm a huge fan of the Nickelodeon television show iCarly.

On a recent episode, one of the kids developed an interesting iPhone app (actually in the show it's a Pear Phone (apples are pears in that universe)) that would take a picture of someone's face and then through math and science would measure the facial features and reveal that person's precise mood. In the episode, the dangerous side effect of doing this was revealed when one character's mood was measured as "in love." Then, wackiness!

Would such an application be a good thing?

It very well might, but I would fight against it. I would hate the forced vulnerability.

Next step. What if the application revealed who we were in love with? Good?

I would vote horrifying. You may agree with me once everything's in the open. I think most people's hopes would be dashed. The people we're in love with would be in love with the people we're in hate with or they'd just be thinking about food. We'd realize the people in love with us are people too nice for our depravity and/or have lame taste in music. We'd be pushed away from love right from the start because we'd have no hope. We wouldn't be deluded enough to think we had the chance with that certain someone -- and therefore we wouldn't get around to deceiving them into liking us.

We're not getting together though. Surely if everyone said who they were in love with all the time, two like-minded people would agree and immediately get together and live happily ever after.

Or would the TOTAL openness dissolve the romance? If you think about it, most of what makes courtship exciting is what's not said. It's intimacies that have potential to be revealed over a steady period of time. Perhaps if we simply said to one another "I don't mind mixing my genetic material with yours" we actually wouldn't mix our genetic material.

Have you ever wondered what it's like living on the USS Enterprise 1701-D? Deanna Troi lives on that ship. She can read your mind. She comes from a planet where everybody reads each others' minds all the time. Everyone knows who's in love with everybody else. There wouldn't be room for any games. A paradise or a prison? According to Deanna, the open book lifestyle is a wonderful way to live. That's easy for her to say. She's the hottest chick on the ship. We don't see what life's like for the ugliest empath on Betazed. For Deanna it's constant validation that she's the hottest girl around. Her mind either receives that or disgusting, sexist harassment (which would still actually be validation if you ask me).

Anyway, this is reason 524 why I flog love out of my system.

Listen to this song. It's my favorite at the moment.

the parentland a-calling

This news isn't as exciting as I thought it would be because the exclusivity has worn off.

Earlier this week, Overstock.com announced its vacations program to the public, which previously was only available to Overstock.com employees. I don't even know if the deals are good, but one in particular caught my attention.

Recently I learned that my heritage is not nearly as Danish as I thought. Just about all of me originates from the British Isles (although I maintain that I'm quarter Mexican because my grandmother was born there (to white Mormon colony settlers no less (I don't think she actually ever knew Spanish))).

Perhaps as a result of this, I've had an insatiable calling toward going back to the Motherland -- or is it Fatherland? I'm not sure because I'm pretty sure Germany is the Fatherland, but yet Russia is the Motherland. They never taught us country gender identification in school.

This may also explain why my Netflix queue has suddenly swelled with British "programmes." The IT Crowd, Fawlty Towers, Skins, etc. I've even gotten pretty addicted to Downton Abbey. Have you ever heard of this show? It's ridiculous. So British. It's a show that takes place in a mansion in like 1912 and there's all the manners and protocol with the ruling family and then there's the intrigue and humanity seen behind the scenes with the large assortment of servants. Class system on display! There are remnants of the Victorian age, but also the dread of progress throwing a spanner into everything. I laughed out loud when I read that the keywords Netflix actually uses when describing this show are actually "cerebral" and "understated." I finally realize that wearing my emotions in an "understated" way may be based on my British heritage (it's certainly explained my method of NEVER telling someone how I feel about them). It's dreamily, delightfully British. It's so British that I'm sure several people in England tuned in and after five minutes actually said: "Blimey! This is too British for me!"

I may be the only person I know who feels that the revolution thing that happened in the 1770s wasn't really that great of an idea.

Anyway, the really staggering thing is that even though I watch lots of British TV shows and strictly listen to British music and also enjoy tailored white wigs, I've strangely never ever been to the United Kingdom. I have the option of five nights there for about 200 bucks in August. No doubt, my agoraphobia will kick in and I'll chicken out (or realize I'm out of money again). If you'd like to convince me to go -- go ahead. Also if you'd like to come along -- convince me of that too. It may be fun although you may not want to do the same things I do (hanging out at Basildon looking for fixtures from Depeche Mode music videos or trekking all the way up to Manchester to sneak into Factory Records). At least the shopping will be good.

....................................................

I'm getting fat.

:(

yay me (2011)!

If you didn't bother watching the above video, here's the gist of it. My birthday is this Sunday and it's also the Oscars. Come over to my house and we'll watch them. I'm inviting you. Do it. I'm not doing an event through Facebook this year because I want to keep it intimate enough that we can all enjoy the ceremony. Now don't take that as a sign that you SHOULDN'T come over. If you're reading this, you're invited. The Facebook masses don't tend to read this. Fill out your Oscar picks and there will be a prize to whomever gets the most right. Also, if you have any extra coat hangers, please bring them and whatever food you'd like to contribute. In the video I also listed a bunch of expensive gifts that I'd like to receive (but am not planning on receiving).

Yay!

v.d. 2011

(Patent pending on my trademark black horny heart.)

So here's an image of this year's Valentine's Day box.

Yes, you guessed right. My work is making us make Valentine's Day boxes to put at our desks. Actually, I don't want to sound like they're forcing me to do something I don't like, because I actually think it's a pretty fun idea. I also like how deeply awesome my box is. Black with white horn hearts plus a glass mockingjay on the top. Nobody can beat my V.D. box.

Every few years I make a V.D. cd. Usually I grab a few love songs and edit in a few quotes from popular romantic comedies. Often there's a sort of theme to the cd where there are love songs about loss that lead into love songs about gain or vice versa. This year I totally resolved to do it. I even started watching a few streaming Netflix titles to find movie quotes while I was researching which songs to use. I only got ten minutes into Roxanne before I gave up and just watched the whole thing. It was awesome to watch, btw. I recommend. Again. I recorded one line that was pretty funny ("I thought I was in love once, but it turns out I was confusing love with sex." -- "That happened to me once. It was awesome!")

Anyway, I only found five songs that I was willing to put on the V.D. cd, So I guess this year it's more of a V.D. EP.

1. "Next Girl" by the Black Keys. This song represents "being on the prowl."

2. "Father Figure" by George Michael. This song represents hooking up, in a really creepy sorta Freudian way. Ever see that video? Sexy (I'm not saying George Michael is sexy (even though he might be (back then anyway (to women)))).

3. "You're My Best Friend" by Queen. Hmm. That's sort of two gay songs in a row. That's totally coincidental. I'm not gay, but lots of times gay artists write my favorite songs (see of course Erasure). Actually I'm pretty sure it was John Deacon who wrote this Queen song and not Freddie Mercury. This may be the best love song I can think of right now. Anyway this song represents being in a fulfilling relationship.

4. "Nobody's Diary" by Yazoo. Okay, speaking of gay, I recently heard that this song is in a movie called Edge of Seventeen. Being the biggest Yazoo fan I could think of, I found the movie on Netflix streaming to see how well the song was used in the context of the movie. Turns out the movie is super gay. By super gay I don't mean to say that the movie is dumb. The movie literally is super gay. Anyway, I found the part with the Yaz song and they sort of used it well in the movie. Even in context of the super gay movie I find the first seven notes of the song absolutely haunting when I hear them. This song is very very high on my singing in the shower rotation. It's break-uppy. And it's sung by a girl. I'm not sure why I always sing sad girl songs in the shower. Have I ever talked about Yazoo on this blog? I think they were a really awesome '80s band that totally justified the emotion you could elicit through such a manufactured sound.

5. "Wildest Dreams" by The Moody Blues. Is that the name of this song? I know it's the song that all Moody Blues fans hate, but it's the only tolerable song of non-Moody Blues fans. It represents long lost longing.

So earlier this week I was pondering on the fact that I'm one of the few people who still loves listening to the radio in the car more than cds or iPod. Proponents of NOT listening to the radio always say the same thing: wouldn't you rather CHOOSE the music you listen to? Actually, strangely no. It's so much more fun to hear a song you love on the radio than to hear it from your personal collection. It's like receiving a gift. There's that thrill to it. Plus there's the knowledge that you're simultaneously sharing the same experience with dozens of other people across the Wasatch front.

I like anticipating what's next instead of owning the music. It's weird romance.

Have I ever mentioned that I find being poor more romantic than being rich? It sounds absurd to actually come out and say it, but isn't that what most romantic movies actually fall back on? The girl tends to wind up with the poor schlub than the rich douchebag.

Actually, also rich isn't an important aspect to romance because you don't want to mix up the material with the feelings. Poor romance is a lot easier to see, because love is the only material involved. That's why "Is This Love?" by Bob Marley is the most romantic song ever (sorry "You're My Best Friend" -- but I actually think I used "Is This Love?" on a previous V.D. cd).

Anyway, here are the songs:

(The "Next Girl" video is (in my mother's words) "pretty raunchy," so I'm posting the Ferguson appearance instead (I would recommend checking out the real music video though, it's quite groovy).


Okay, the George Michael video is also pretty risque (at least for the '80s), but what the heck. It's V.D. '11. Here's the real thing.

checking in

My computer still sorta works. Photoshop and Soundtrack don't work anymore. No big loss there (I'm being incredibly sarcastic -- only Final Cut is more important than those two programs and I'm afraid to try Final Cut out).

So it looks like I may need to find a cheap Photoshop somewhere. I've been using the same version of Elements for like 10 years so I may be due for an upgrade -- maybe get a version with an "undo" button or something.

The real reason I haven't said much lately is because I've become quite tethered to my iPad. I could blog on it, but it's waaaaay better for input than for output. I'll break out soon because there is a bit to be said in the future.

The 27th of this month is two things: my birthday and also the academy awards. No doubt if you're reading this, I think it would be great if you spent the day watching the awards with me (if I can get off work). I'm sure soon I will post my wish list of stuff I want and also my Oscar predictions. Remember, submitting your Oscar predictions is mandatory (please for the love of my sanity please humor me on this one -- it's a birthday wish -- don't be stubborn).

Actually have two more best picture nominations to see: The Fighter and 127 Hours. Lemme know if you need someone to watch these with.

Hurm. Not much else to say. Stay classy world.

goodbye forever (just in case)!

Ever since I got my computer I haven't updated the OS. It's been running on something called "Tiger," which apparently isn't as good as "Leopard" or "Snow Leopard." That's weird. If there were some kind of cat rumble, my money would be on the tiger any day.

Alas, I got one of the best Christmas gifts ever -- an iPad (which really solidifies my part in the Apple family (I mean, now I have FOUR iPods (one of which stopped working, but that was only because it got caught in the worst rainstorm in Cabo San Lucas history))). Anyway, it turns out that this new device won't sync up with my computer until the OS has been updated. So now I'm giving in, despite my paranoia. Things have been working fairly well over the last three or so years and I'm hesitant to bring in a foreign body (perhaps that summarizes my feelings about the H1N1 flu shot as well). The guy at the Apple store said "he's had nothing but a good experience whenever he updates the OS." But he's a hip Apple store worker. Technology loves him more.

I'm just about to update. If it destroys my computer this will be the last blog post I make. There will also be no more J.R. Watches Star Trek for the first time, The Iron Rodcast, Jon Madsen Movie Commentary, Jon Demand, Living in the Geekdom, Blogging Forgotten Realms and Halloween movies.

Goodbye world.

post christmas swap meet!

Alright, so Christmas is old news, but we're still right in the middle of exchange season!

Many of you did not participate in this year's Christmas grabfest. In fact, I was lucky to get all the gifts given away (or at least reserved) by Christmas Day. If you did participate and you didn't get what you wanted (just about all of you) now is your big chance to exchange your gift with someone who got what you wanted (not bloody likely though). In fact, if you didn't receive a gift at all, many of the gift recipients may be willing to part with their gift anyway. It's worth asking.

Anyway, here's what people got. I didn't get everyone's picture because some of the gifts were given at church and stuff and they hate it when I'm flashing photos there.

Josh got a USB 2.0 A/AM/F 15-foot Extension Cable!

Chet got a book called Deliciously Easy Main Dishes With Herbs!

Stephanie got a DVD called Screen Dreams: Living Fireplace, Vol. 2!

Kelsey got a book called English Romantic Poetry!

Zo got the book Thus Spake Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche!

Joe got a CD by The Commodores called Motown Legends: Brick House!

Emily got Leg Avenue Women's Sexy Fishnet Pantyhose!

Rhett got the book Looking Backward by Edward Bellamy!

Alex got a CD called Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, Overtures by Wolfgang Mozart!

Calvin got the book The Jewel of Seven Stars by Bram Stoker!

Mandi got a tube of Joico Color Endure Conditioner!

Brother Hewlett got a mini computer microphone!

Jaime got the CD called Billie Holiday - Golden Hits!

Scott got the CD called Heartbreak Beat by The Psychedelic Furs!

Bishop Williams got a set of those shapey animal rubber bands that kids are into these days!

Laron got the CD called Wild Planet by The B-52's!

Dre got a Universal DC to AC Adapter!

Bekah got a Universal USB Travel Charger Adaptor!

Laura got the CD Nothing To Fear by Oingo Boingo!

Maria got a five dollar Little Caesar's gift certificate!

Brooke got Clearsnap Double-sided Adhesive Stickers (4 Sheets)!

Chad got the CD called Greatest Masterpieces of the Millenium - Beethoven!

Jen got the CD Original Soundtrack - Planet of the Apes (1968)!

If you think these gifts are lame, remember every one of them is something I nearly bought for myself. If you'd like any of these, you know who to talk to. I noticed that especially the people who got stuck with books may be willing to part with them.

whoops! here's my 21st favorite movie of 2010.

One of my favorite times of the year is when I release the previous year's movie list and then a bunch of people tell me how wrong I am. It's happening now!

My favorite comment is the surprise that I didn't put Yugo to Hell on the list. That's a good point. I really can't believe it slipped my mind. The movie sucks in a lot of ways, BUT I still love it and I love how it came together, just like I love every dumb little movie we put out comes together.

Anyway, here it is. Watch it. Remember it's 20 minutes long so you may need to take a lunch or something.

the 40 best movies of 2010!

I'm sorry this is at least six days late.


Every year I do my best movies of the year list and every year I wonder what to do about the movies I see in the theater in the year that actually came out during the tail end of the previous year. I'll quickly mention those right now in their own list.

The top 10 movies I saw in 2010 that actually came out in 2009!

10. The Box
Points to the guy who made Donnie Darko, but this movie sucked.

9. Fantastic Mr. Fox
Negative points to Wes Andersen, who isn't as clever as he thinks he is (or at least as clever as I say). I did appreciate the "wolf power" fist toward the end though.

8. Invictus
One of these days a decent rugby movie will be made. Still waiting.

7. Sherlock Holmes
More sleuthing would have been nice.

6. Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire
A decent movie. Bonus points to the longest, pretentiousest title ever.

5. More Than a Game
Propaganda for LeBron James, but nonetheless contains exciting basketball footage.

4. Avatar
The only movie I've recommended solely on the merits of its visuals and nothing else. Apparently this movie made more money than any other movie ever. Strange, considering we all will have forgotten it in two years.

3. Up In the Air
This was pretty good. Especially the two girls in it.

2. Brothers
Personally I think the Gyllenhaall brother would have made a better Spiderman than the Maguire brother.

1. Me and Orson Welles

Technically this movie came out in 2008 somehow. Worth the tops of this list because of Christian McKay's uncanny Welles characterization.

The 40 best movies of 2010!

Whenever I do these rankings, I always lay out all the movies I've seen and give each one a letter grade. After that I rank them within the letter grade. I'll go ahead and reveal the letters this year.

F range:

40. A Nightmare on Elm Street
Boy talk about a waste of potential. The Elm Street movies were so ripe for a very cool re-imagining. The setting is whatever could possibly happen in a literal nightmare. Too bad the opportunity was squandered. The visuals were absolutely not there. The character of Freddy wasn't defined as either a twisted mysterious lunatic or a gleeful sadistic winker to the audience. Net result: one of the boringest horror movies ever.

D range:

39. The Romantics
Saw this one at Sundance. If you didn't see it there, you may never get the chance to see it... fortunately. Lots of young beautiful people though -- some of my favorite young actors. They don't have anything to say or do.

38. The Joneses
This is the requisite one that I'm putting back on the list because I posted this whole post and then noticed that I had a ticket stub for this one but I didn't write about it. This movie wasn't super good. Is it possible that Amber Heard can act WITH clothes on? I'm not sure.

37. The Other Guys
Mark Wahlberg is far funnier than Will Farrell.

36. Youth in Revolt
At least Michael Cera branched out a little. Mustaches never hurt either. The rest of the movie was uninteresting.

35. Eclipse
I've been a good sport with this whole Twilight craze. I read the first book and had some fun with the first two movies. Now I don't even have the energy to make fun of it anymore.

34. When in Rome
Points for Veronica Mars being in this, but it's an insulting rom-com. Most rom-coms are, which is unfortunate. I will never be against an entire genre, but people who prefer romantic comedies ought to demand better than what they're given.

C range:

33. Frozen
Points for yours truly making a cameo in this. You can totally see me in the background. Otherwise this movie is about as dull as when you're on the ski lift and it stops for an hour and a half.

32. Iron Man 2
Not terrible. Interesting how with both Iron Man movies most of the really exciting stuff happens near the beginning of the movie instead of the end. Huh. Anyway, the characters seemed a lot more flat in this one than the first. They missed an opportunity to go deeper instead of more superficial.

31. It's a Trap
I did love this Family Guy interpretation of Return of the Jedi, but unfortunately it's hindered by Family Guy's better attempts to skewer Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. Actually, a bigger help may have been that those other two movies are so much better than Jedi.

30. Get Low
Robert Duvall is great, but I didn't find as much to the character, story or situation as most of my friends who also saw this. Maybe it doesn't help that I fell asleep during 20 minutes of it.

29. The Expendables
Another wasted opportunity. Needed a lot more Dolph Lundgren. Needed to take itself more seriously and trust itself. Then we could have laughed a lot harder at its earnestness.

28. Shutter Island
Completely respectable as a Scorsese film and as a mindbender. Respectable, but didn't bring anything to either column that were exclusively memorable to this movie.

27. How to Train Your Dragon
Yeah, this was absolutely adorable, but I've never been converted to Jay Baruchel.

B range:

26. Salt
This is completely indescribable. About a dozen action spy thrillers come out every year and I can't say why this one is better than any of those. Maybe Salt just subtly hit all the notes just right. Maybe after seeing as part of a double bill with The Other Guys, I was looking for something to like.

25.Greenberg
It's not super. Nothing really happens. Unfortunately I relate to Ben Stiller's 40-somethingish loser character who tries to impress young people. I sadly relate. A lot.

24. Best Worst Movie
This is a documentary about the hilariously bad movie Troll 2. If you've seen Troll 2 you know the inherent hilariousness. I would have liked a little more exploration about what the specific appeal is.

23. TRON: Legacy
I make no apologies for absolutely adoring the original TRON. This update was pretty good, especially considering the Daft Punk soundtrack. However (soundtrack included (no need for string arrangements)) it was a little too analog. I would have appreciated the digital world looking a lot less real.

22. Splice
Don't see this movie. It may have been the scariest movie I saw, but not for the horror elements. The subtext drew on parental anxiety. Most horror movies are paralleled by anxieties of young love or lust. Splice plays very well on the next stage of life. Don't see it though. I totally get it when people say it's the worst movie of the year.

21. Please Give
This indie is a little Woody Alleny. I kind of like how it explores the idea of repressed, privileged guilt.

20. Machete
Aaaand with number 20 we start a short list of movies that are tremendously awful, yet gut-bustingly fun. Machete is stereotype, violence and seriousness taken to the extreme. Result: hilarity!

19. Piranha 3D
Okay, I feel sort of bad about this. It was far more exploitation than I thought it would be. No stops were pulled.

18. Jackass 3D
Totally not converted to 3D, but THIS was a VERY good use of 3D. It made me want to investigate getting a 3D camera so I can film my friends getting seriously injured.

17. True Grit
The Coens are perfection at film making. I would have enjoyed a bit more of the Coen influence than we got here though. Unfortunately, I'm not ranking this one as well as most other people I know who saw it. The problem may be in that a couple of years ago I saw No Country for Old Men and saw what the Coens could do with the western genre. I wound up not caring for the people or events of True Grit nearly as much. Perhaps I'm to blame.

16. Let Me In
The coolest thing about this movie is that it was widely released when I would have expected it to go strictly indie. The bad news is that it was one of the biggest widely released flops of the year. There's nothing like a re-invigoration of classic vampire elements using a completely unique view of telling the story (well, completely unique as in a very close copy to the Swedish movie it was remade from).

15. My Girlfriend's Boyfriend
I'm giving points to this one because it has Alyssa Milano and it was also locally produced by a guy I totally insulted to his face at a party in Provo once. It was pretty good though. Better than When in Rome.

14. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Props to Edgar Wright for taking the idea of directing comedy far more seriously than pointing the camera at a few people telling jokes. Wright utilizes far more than words to elicit laughs. Now if only Michael Cera could play more than George Michael Bluth...

13. MacGruber
Don't see this. It's horribly offensive (but I was laughing my head off).

12. Book of Eli
Maybe it's my Mormonism, but it was very fun to grab onto the religious elements of this one. Also, it looks cool. Also, Mila Kunis.

11. You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger
I did not like this movie very much as I watched it. I do appreciate it plenty in hindsight though. Woody Allen obviously has a very cynical view of relationships and it's a view I share probably too much. Maybe this will help me purge it.

10. Easy A
This probably doesn't deserve the top ten, but I'm putting it here to say that Emma Stone is more than a girl I wanna hook up with. She constantly exhibits a charming charisma that is needed for the magic of film to work. There was a time when I would put acting and charisma and chemistry far behind writing and art direction and cinematography. Right now, I feel it's personality that is the most important and Emma Stone has a talent that saves even a mediocre story like Easy A.

9. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
A bit much for only half of a movie, but they pulled it off well. This flick actually had several legitimate scenes of tension and dozens of scares! Very well done considering the severe limitations of the source material.

8. Toy Story 3
It wasn't the scene of despair the toys went through that got to me. It was what Andy did right before he went off to college that got to me.

A range:

7. Catfish
I've mentioned scary movies in the list already, but Catfish is definitely the scariest. But only to me. There's horror scary and then there's social scary. You know how The Office is awkwardly funny? Catfish is seriously awkward. I had a panic attack watching the characters in this movie. Plus its Facebook-centered storyline is an excellent companion piece (in a very different way) to The Social Network.

6. Never Let Me Go
Here's another movie that I didn't really like while I was watching it, but loved it more and more afterward. It took me a while to get to know or even relate to the characters, but now I think of them often and feel badly for them. No doubt I'll read the book. I bet the book is great.

5. Black Swan
Hard to sit through at times, but quite a spectacle and some powerful insanity. The last half hour is as exciting as front row Swan Lake. One thing I really appreciated about the movie is how the camera seemed to be dancing with the ballerinas -- right next to them rather than just watching them.

4. The Social Network
Fincher. Sorkin. Reznor. For the win. You don't need to care one flying lick about Facebook to appreciate the way the drama unfolds here, but it doesn't hurt. I love how the guys that brought so many people together through the literal social network are shown to have no ability to retain a friendship between just themselves. I realize that most of those elements were exaggerated for the purposes of the movie, but that doesn't matter. The tale is told very well with all elements at the storytellers' disposal.

3. Exit Through the Gift Shop
The title practically insults the viewer, but this movie is worth it. Banksy challenges our views on art through his street art as well as through this "street film" itself. Perhaps accepting what we once considered lofty as mere packaging will help us appreciate the next level.

2. The Secret in Their Eyes
I'm the only one I know who saw this movie. I think it's Argentinian. It's an unrequited love story over decades and a police investigation over decades. Both elements are beautiful forms of both. There is also a tracking shot that is IMPOSSIBLE to pull off in real life, yet it's there in the movie. How did they do it? I dunno. They must have gotten government funding from the entirety of the Argentinian treasury.

1. Inception
Interesting that the worst movie on this list is a movie about the potential of dreams being squandered. Here's a movie with an awesome concept that never failed to deliver. Nolan is amazing for taking so many risks on so many levels and absolutely nailing every aspect. You all saw this, am I wrong? Why can't all summer movies be this fun AND this thinky?

airing of grievances 2010

Strangely this year's grievances are sort of church-themed. Not sure exactly why. Maybe because going to church is practically my only social activity.

Short-sleeved white shirts-
Your mission's over dude. Where do you even get a short-sleeved white shirt?

Rolling up your dress shirt sleeves-
Unless you're fixing a kitchen drain, don't roll your sleeves up. Tacky. Church isn't a very physically taxing activity. If you roll your shirt sleeves up, you may as well roll your pant legs up.

Slamming hymn books shut-
"I finished the hymn first! Did you hear me close the book loudly?"

Closing hymn books before the song is over-
Sometimes we share hymn books and sometimes I attempt to sing parts. Just because you know all the words, it doesn't mean I'm not done looking at them -- or the notes I'm attempting (and failing) to sing.

Two people holding one hymn book-
It's actually harder for two people to hold one hymn book than it is for one person to hold it. If I don't help you hold it, it's because I'm giving you a break. Don't expect me to be miserable with you.

Fascist youth march-
Um, maybe you should ask me about this one. It's actually totally different than it sounds.

Sitting at the edge of the bench-
Be nice. Sit in the middle. Don't make people crawl over you just because you like to stick your leg out into the aisle.

Standing in doorways while talking-
People enjoy talking in doorways for some reason. Yeah, it's peace of mind in case an earthquake suddenly hits, but people need to get through that dang door.

Toilets that flush automatically-
This applies to many public toilets. I especially hate the ones that flush automatically and don't give the option to flush manually. I stand in front of the toilet or urinal doing all sorts of dances in order to get the movement detection sensor or whatever to work on the thing. Sure, toilet handles are gross, but maybe public toilets should have a flushing mechanism similar to one I used in Candada one time. It was a foot pedal. That's perfect. Unless you're barefoot. That's gross for so many reasons.

Saying "Merry Christmas" spitefully-
I say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" usually, but I do hate it when people get mad when people don't say "Merry Christmas." "Happy Holidays" works just fine. No need to make it a spiteful issue.

Not putting DVD back in its case-
So you wanna watch one of your DVDs. You open the player and there's already a DVD in there! Omigosh! Where does it go? Look at the top of the DVD. Now look at the DVD shelf. The title on the DVD and the title on a DVD case SHOULD match. I'll bet you A MILLION DOLLARS that's where the DVD belongs. Does it belong face down on top of the DVD player? No, actually. Weird. One movement miscalculation and the DVD is scratched and unplayable.

Stupid DVDs that get scratched too easily and don't play anymore-
This is stupid.

Weird American values-
I've been watching lots of documentaries lately and I've noticed a strange common theme in them. Strangely as Americans we say we value honesty and integrity, but in private we overwhelmingly value corruption and dishonesty. Maybe it's a weird documentary agenda. Watch Food Inc, Capitalism: A Love Story, No End in Sight and especially Bigger, Stronger, Faster.

My looks-
I'm handsomer now than I was when I was 22. My face is anyway. Unfortunately I'm also way balder. Why can't there be one period of my life where I REALLY look good?

My softness-
I think my metabolism is giving out. I'm noticing my body isn't that much bigger, but it is softer. Sorta buttery. This grieves me.

No free parking at the JSMB-
I always need to call Jaime, totally make her stop working, have her take the elevator downstairs and finally meet me at the JSMB to give me a parking validation for $2. Do you have any idea how inconvenient this is for me (and her)?

Saying "Ha ha do it again!"-
If someone does something funny and spontaneous, it's a total buzzkill to ask them to do it again.

You're not nearly as smart as you think you are-
Not nearly.

Couples-
They have no right to exist. Any of them. I agree I'm a horrible person and I can be a total jerk oftentimes and I'm phsically atrocious and I'm not loaded or anything. I don't know why any girl anywhere would be foolish enough to find me intersting. It boggles my mind that such a thing could ever happen -- BUT I'm way better than every other guy on the planet. True story.

This has been this year's airing of grievances. Happy Festivus everyone!

christmas. it's on.

Alright everybody. It's on. Starting anytime on Wednesday, December 22 you can come over to my house and collect your Christmas gift. Remember supplies are limited! You'll only have the choice of 23 items IF YOU'RE EARLY. Of course you don't know what you're getting because they're all wrapped. Shortly after Christmas I will post what everyone received and then you can work out your trades if you wish. If you'd like to text, email, Twitter or Facebook me a reservation, I'm open to doing that. I'll even deliver if you need me to -- just hurry!

Anyways, let's celebrate the holiday a little bit with some of my favorite Christmas songs (fun idea: play all these embedded songs at the same time).

Recently at dinner I informed several of my friends that Erasure has a Christmas song. That's surprising to most people, since it's not as well known as that Mariah Carey Christmas song. Someone's finally made a cheap YouTube photo montage using that song. It's called "She Won't Be Home." Check it out:


Lately I've been a bigger Paul fan than John fan, but Lennon really nails the Christmas song better than McCartney did. Paul's "Wonderful Christmas Time" is almost dispassionate enough to have been written by robots. Of course Lennon wasn't really channeling Christmas spirit with "Happy Xmas (War is Over)." He was mostly channeling his hatred of the Vietnam War or something. Whatever though.


"Last Christmas" by Wham!


Wow, all these songs so far have been British. The Brits are way better than we are at making Christmas songs. I will now make a goal to spend one Christmas in England sometime in the future. Let's put all the Brits together for one big Brit carol. There are two huge things about Band-Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" that are worth noting. First, is that it shows people playing guitars, but as many times as I've heard the song I can't hear where any guitars are. The second thing is that Bono SOMEHOW out-Bonos himself and every other Bono impersonator at about 1:30.


The Waitresses are actually from Akron, Ohio but their Christmas song is super popular in The U.K. Couldn't find the official video, but here's a seemingly nice chick who made a video to the song. Good for her. Oh, the song's called "Christmas Wrapping" I think.

the plan for christmas gifts this year

As I sit at the computer and stare directly above me, my eyes catch this object:
It may be hard to tell from the picture but it's mistletoe -- a sign of the season. Yes, it shouldn't actually remind me of Christmas, since it's a perennial feature above my desk (and VERY ineffective btw), but somehow it does a little.

Probably a more obvious feature is the fake Christmas tree I managed to grab from my parents' house. Usually I only keep it up for six months at a time so it is a little more Christmasy. Here it is decked in festive lampshade and ornaments.

Look carefully at the picture of the tree. Notice that there are presents under there. Those are YOUR presents. An explanation follows.

I used to love getting gifts for people because I'd get tons of gifts for everybody I knew. The funnest part of the season for me used to be when I'd give someone a gift and then make them feel bad for not getting me anything. It really gave me a good superior feeling. Unfortunately that sort of practice is simply impractical now. I have too many friends and family.

Now a line must be drawn between those people who get gifts from me and those who don't. It's the worst thing about Christmas. I hate drawing that line. This year I'm not. This year I'm letting YOU draw the line for me.

Recently I placed a large order on Overstock.com for 23 items. I am giving each of these items away as an individual Christmas present. Each item was not purchased for any particular individual. When all the items arrive at my house I will say "Ready, Go!" (probably in the form of another blog post) and the first 23 people will get gifts. After that, nobody gets anything. Now I may sound sort of cold about this, but trust me, I'm doing this because I want you to get something from me. If I went about doing this the traditional way, I probably wouldn't get as many as 23 gifts for individuals. Of course I have way more than 23 friends so there's a good chance that you are my friend, but you wouldn't get anything from me (even though you may have been expecting it).

Anyway, this may seem selfish, but at least I don't have to reveal who my favorite 23 people are. If you participate in this, you will pretty much be inducted into my top 23.

I am planning on a gift for my parents and a group present for the house I live in. Other than that -- THIS IS ALL THE SHOPPING I'M DOING.

What are these gifts you may ask? Well, let me just say that all the gifts I ordered are items I WOULDN'T MIND GETTING MYSELF. So they're not NECESSARILY things you'd throw away on the 26th.

Here are some items I considered ordering for this project, but decided not to (so pretty much the items I ordered are better and/or more cost effective):

I've never read Inferno but it's a classic combining Christian theology with ancient myth in a perfect moral allegory. It's also the title of an X-men comic crossover from the 80s that borrowed several demonic elements from Dante's book. This particular edition was translated by Henry Wordsworth Longfellow (born February 27th!).

Say what you will of the series as a whole, but Goldmember was the best one. It contains one of my favorite lines in cinema: "There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch."

I think we've evolved to a point in culture where the lines between camp, irony and legitimacy are quite blurred. Five years ago we would have made fun of Sonny and Cher, now we'll gladly put them on as the perfect background music for a summer mocktail party.

How many people out there are nurses or medical assistants? Probably 70% of you. Wouldn't it be nice to have a spare scrubs top? Also works as a pajama top as if you didn't know that. Scrubs may have been pajamas first. Eventually doctors decided they'd rather do surgery right after they rolled out of bed. Anyway, scrubs tops are comfy.

Keep tuned in to the blog. When I say go -- come running over here to claim your gift.

Oh, and I nearly forgot. I'll keep track of who gets what, so if you'd like to exchange your gift with someone else, that will be possible. Sort of a white elephant type thing where you don't need to bring a white elephant yourself.

1923–2010

Who's scruffy-lookin'? You never got enough credit Irvin. Search your feelings. You know it to be true. And sorry I was three days late on this.

Also: AT-ATs are awesome.