the 40 best movies of 2010!

I'm sorry this is at least six days late.


Every year I do my best movies of the year list and every year I wonder what to do about the movies I see in the theater in the year that actually came out during the tail end of the previous year. I'll quickly mention those right now in their own list.

The top 10 movies I saw in 2010 that actually came out in 2009!

10. The Box
Points to the guy who made Donnie Darko, but this movie sucked.

9. Fantastic Mr. Fox
Negative points to Wes Andersen, who isn't as clever as he thinks he is (or at least as clever as I say). I did appreciate the "wolf power" fist toward the end though.

8. Invictus
One of these days a decent rugby movie will be made. Still waiting.

7. Sherlock Holmes
More sleuthing would have been nice.

6. Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire
A decent movie. Bonus points to the longest, pretentiousest title ever.

5. More Than a Game
Propaganda for LeBron James, but nonetheless contains exciting basketball footage.

4. Avatar
The only movie I've recommended solely on the merits of its visuals and nothing else. Apparently this movie made more money than any other movie ever. Strange, considering we all will have forgotten it in two years.

3. Up In the Air
This was pretty good. Especially the two girls in it.

2. Brothers
Personally I think the Gyllenhaall brother would have made a better Spiderman than the Maguire brother.

1. Me and Orson Welles

Technically this movie came out in 2008 somehow. Worth the tops of this list because of Christian McKay's uncanny Welles characterization.

The 40 best movies of 2010!

Whenever I do these rankings, I always lay out all the movies I've seen and give each one a letter grade. After that I rank them within the letter grade. I'll go ahead and reveal the letters this year.

F range:

40. A Nightmare on Elm Street
Boy talk about a waste of potential. The Elm Street movies were so ripe for a very cool re-imagining. The setting is whatever could possibly happen in a literal nightmare. Too bad the opportunity was squandered. The visuals were absolutely not there. The character of Freddy wasn't defined as either a twisted mysterious lunatic or a gleeful sadistic winker to the audience. Net result: one of the boringest horror movies ever.

D range:

39. The Romantics
Saw this one at Sundance. If you didn't see it there, you may never get the chance to see it... fortunately. Lots of young beautiful people though -- some of my favorite young actors. They don't have anything to say or do.

38. The Joneses
This is the requisite one that I'm putting back on the list because I posted this whole post and then noticed that I had a ticket stub for this one but I didn't write about it. This movie wasn't super good. Is it possible that Amber Heard can act WITH clothes on? I'm not sure.

37. The Other Guys
Mark Wahlberg is far funnier than Will Farrell.

36. Youth in Revolt
At least Michael Cera branched out a little. Mustaches never hurt either. The rest of the movie was uninteresting.

35. Eclipse
I've been a good sport with this whole Twilight craze. I read the first book and had some fun with the first two movies. Now I don't even have the energy to make fun of it anymore.

34. When in Rome
Points for Veronica Mars being in this, but it's an insulting rom-com. Most rom-coms are, which is unfortunate. I will never be against an entire genre, but people who prefer romantic comedies ought to demand better than what they're given.

C range:

33. Frozen
Points for yours truly making a cameo in this. You can totally see me in the background. Otherwise this movie is about as dull as when you're on the ski lift and it stops for an hour and a half.

32. Iron Man 2
Not terrible. Interesting how with both Iron Man movies most of the really exciting stuff happens near the beginning of the movie instead of the end. Huh. Anyway, the characters seemed a lot more flat in this one than the first. They missed an opportunity to go deeper instead of more superficial.

31. It's a Trap
I did love this Family Guy interpretation of Return of the Jedi, but unfortunately it's hindered by Family Guy's better attempts to skewer Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. Actually, a bigger help may have been that those other two movies are so much better than Jedi.

30. Get Low
Robert Duvall is great, but I didn't find as much to the character, story or situation as most of my friends who also saw this. Maybe it doesn't help that I fell asleep during 20 minutes of it.

29. The Expendables
Another wasted opportunity. Needed a lot more Dolph Lundgren. Needed to take itself more seriously and trust itself. Then we could have laughed a lot harder at its earnestness.

28. Shutter Island
Completely respectable as a Scorsese film and as a mindbender. Respectable, but didn't bring anything to either column that were exclusively memorable to this movie.

27. How to Train Your Dragon
Yeah, this was absolutely adorable, but I've never been converted to Jay Baruchel.

B range:

26. Salt
This is completely indescribable. About a dozen action spy thrillers come out every year and I can't say why this one is better than any of those. Maybe Salt just subtly hit all the notes just right. Maybe after seeing as part of a double bill with The Other Guys, I was looking for something to like.

25.Greenberg
It's not super. Nothing really happens. Unfortunately I relate to Ben Stiller's 40-somethingish loser character who tries to impress young people. I sadly relate. A lot.

24. Best Worst Movie
This is a documentary about the hilariously bad movie Troll 2. If you've seen Troll 2 you know the inherent hilariousness. I would have liked a little more exploration about what the specific appeal is.

23. TRON: Legacy
I make no apologies for absolutely adoring the original TRON. This update was pretty good, especially considering the Daft Punk soundtrack. However (soundtrack included (no need for string arrangements)) it was a little too analog. I would have appreciated the digital world looking a lot less real.

22. Splice
Don't see this movie. It may have been the scariest movie I saw, but not for the horror elements. The subtext drew on parental anxiety. Most horror movies are paralleled by anxieties of young love or lust. Splice plays very well on the next stage of life. Don't see it though. I totally get it when people say it's the worst movie of the year.

21. Please Give
This indie is a little Woody Alleny. I kind of like how it explores the idea of repressed, privileged guilt.

20. Machete
Aaaand with number 20 we start a short list of movies that are tremendously awful, yet gut-bustingly fun. Machete is stereotype, violence and seriousness taken to the extreme. Result: hilarity!

19. Piranha 3D
Okay, I feel sort of bad about this. It was far more exploitation than I thought it would be. No stops were pulled.

18. Jackass 3D
Totally not converted to 3D, but THIS was a VERY good use of 3D. It made me want to investigate getting a 3D camera so I can film my friends getting seriously injured.

17. True Grit
The Coens are perfection at film making. I would have enjoyed a bit more of the Coen influence than we got here though. Unfortunately, I'm not ranking this one as well as most other people I know who saw it. The problem may be in that a couple of years ago I saw No Country for Old Men and saw what the Coens could do with the western genre. I wound up not caring for the people or events of True Grit nearly as much. Perhaps I'm to blame.

16. Let Me In
The coolest thing about this movie is that it was widely released when I would have expected it to go strictly indie. The bad news is that it was one of the biggest widely released flops of the year. There's nothing like a re-invigoration of classic vampire elements using a completely unique view of telling the story (well, completely unique as in a very close copy to the Swedish movie it was remade from).

15. My Girlfriend's Boyfriend
I'm giving points to this one because it has Alyssa Milano and it was also locally produced by a guy I totally insulted to his face at a party in Provo once. It was pretty good though. Better than When in Rome.

14. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Props to Edgar Wright for taking the idea of directing comedy far more seriously than pointing the camera at a few people telling jokes. Wright utilizes far more than words to elicit laughs. Now if only Michael Cera could play more than George Michael Bluth...

13. MacGruber
Don't see this. It's horribly offensive (but I was laughing my head off).

12. Book of Eli
Maybe it's my Mormonism, but it was very fun to grab onto the religious elements of this one. Also, it looks cool. Also, Mila Kunis.

11. You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger
I did not like this movie very much as I watched it. I do appreciate it plenty in hindsight though. Woody Allen obviously has a very cynical view of relationships and it's a view I share probably too much. Maybe this will help me purge it.

10. Easy A
This probably doesn't deserve the top ten, but I'm putting it here to say that Emma Stone is more than a girl I wanna hook up with. She constantly exhibits a charming charisma that is needed for the magic of film to work. There was a time when I would put acting and charisma and chemistry far behind writing and art direction and cinematography. Right now, I feel it's personality that is the most important and Emma Stone has a talent that saves even a mediocre story like Easy A.

9. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
A bit much for only half of a movie, but they pulled it off well. This flick actually had several legitimate scenes of tension and dozens of scares! Very well done considering the severe limitations of the source material.

8. Toy Story 3
It wasn't the scene of despair the toys went through that got to me. It was what Andy did right before he went off to college that got to me.

A range:

7. Catfish
I've mentioned scary movies in the list already, but Catfish is definitely the scariest. But only to me. There's horror scary and then there's social scary. You know how The Office is awkwardly funny? Catfish is seriously awkward. I had a panic attack watching the characters in this movie. Plus its Facebook-centered storyline is an excellent companion piece (in a very different way) to The Social Network.

6. Never Let Me Go
Here's another movie that I didn't really like while I was watching it, but loved it more and more afterward. It took me a while to get to know or even relate to the characters, but now I think of them often and feel badly for them. No doubt I'll read the book. I bet the book is great.

5. Black Swan
Hard to sit through at times, but quite a spectacle and some powerful insanity. The last half hour is as exciting as front row Swan Lake. One thing I really appreciated about the movie is how the camera seemed to be dancing with the ballerinas -- right next to them rather than just watching them.

4. The Social Network
Fincher. Sorkin. Reznor. For the win. You don't need to care one flying lick about Facebook to appreciate the way the drama unfolds here, but it doesn't hurt. I love how the guys that brought so many people together through the literal social network are shown to have no ability to retain a friendship between just themselves. I realize that most of those elements were exaggerated for the purposes of the movie, but that doesn't matter. The tale is told very well with all elements at the storytellers' disposal.

3. Exit Through the Gift Shop
The title practically insults the viewer, but this movie is worth it. Banksy challenges our views on art through his street art as well as through this "street film" itself. Perhaps accepting what we once considered lofty as mere packaging will help us appreciate the next level.

2. The Secret in Their Eyes
I'm the only one I know who saw this movie. I think it's Argentinian. It's an unrequited love story over decades and a police investigation over decades. Both elements are beautiful forms of both. There is also a tracking shot that is IMPOSSIBLE to pull off in real life, yet it's there in the movie. How did they do it? I dunno. They must have gotten government funding from the entirety of the Argentinian treasury.

1. Inception
Interesting that the worst movie on this list is a movie about the potential of dreams being squandered. Here's a movie with an awesome concept that never failed to deliver. Nolan is amazing for taking so many risks on so many levels and absolutely nailing every aspect. You all saw this, am I wrong? Why can't all summer movies be this fun AND this thinky?

airing of grievances 2010

Strangely this year's grievances are sort of church-themed. Not sure exactly why. Maybe because going to church is practically my only social activity.

Short-sleeved white shirts-
Your mission's over dude. Where do you even get a short-sleeved white shirt?

Rolling up your dress shirt sleeves-
Unless you're fixing a kitchen drain, don't roll your sleeves up. Tacky. Church isn't a very physically taxing activity. If you roll your shirt sleeves up, you may as well roll your pant legs up.

Slamming hymn books shut-
"I finished the hymn first! Did you hear me close the book loudly?"

Closing hymn books before the song is over-
Sometimes we share hymn books and sometimes I attempt to sing parts. Just because you know all the words, it doesn't mean I'm not done looking at them -- or the notes I'm attempting (and failing) to sing.

Two people holding one hymn book-
It's actually harder for two people to hold one hymn book than it is for one person to hold it. If I don't help you hold it, it's because I'm giving you a break. Don't expect me to be miserable with you.

Fascist youth march-
Um, maybe you should ask me about this one. It's actually totally different than it sounds.

Sitting at the edge of the bench-
Be nice. Sit in the middle. Don't make people crawl over you just because you like to stick your leg out into the aisle.

Standing in doorways while talking-
People enjoy talking in doorways for some reason. Yeah, it's peace of mind in case an earthquake suddenly hits, but people need to get through that dang door.

Toilets that flush automatically-
This applies to many public toilets. I especially hate the ones that flush automatically and don't give the option to flush manually. I stand in front of the toilet or urinal doing all sorts of dances in order to get the movement detection sensor or whatever to work on the thing. Sure, toilet handles are gross, but maybe public toilets should have a flushing mechanism similar to one I used in Candada one time. It was a foot pedal. That's perfect. Unless you're barefoot. That's gross for so many reasons.

Saying "Merry Christmas" spitefully-
I say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" usually, but I do hate it when people get mad when people don't say "Merry Christmas." "Happy Holidays" works just fine. No need to make it a spiteful issue.

Not putting DVD back in its case-
So you wanna watch one of your DVDs. You open the player and there's already a DVD in there! Omigosh! Where does it go? Look at the top of the DVD. Now look at the DVD shelf. The title on the DVD and the title on a DVD case SHOULD match. I'll bet you A MILLION DOLLARS that's where the DVD belongs. Does it belong face down on top of the DVD player? No, actually. Weird. One movement miscalculation and the DVD is scratched and unplayable.

Stupid DVDs that get scratched too easily and don't play anymore-
This is stupid.

Weird American values-
I've been watching lots of documentaries lately and I've noticed a strange common theme in them. Strangely as Americans we say we value honesty and integrity, but in private we overwhelmingly value corruption and dishonesty. Maybe it's a weird documentary agenda. Watch Food Inc, Capitalism: A Love Story, No End in Sight and especially Bigger, Stronger, Faster.

My looks-
I'm handsomer now than I was when I was 22. My face is anyway. Unfortunately I'm also way balder. Why can't there be one period of my life where I REALLY look good?

My softness-
I think my metabolism is giving out. I'm noticing my body isn't that much bigger, but it is softer. Sorta buttery. This grieves me.

No free parking at the JSMB-
I always need to call Jaime, totally make her stop working, have her take the elevator downstairs and finally meet me at the JSMB to give me a parking validation for $2. Do you have any idea how inconvenient this is for me (and her)?

Saying "Ha ha do it again!"-
If someone does something funny and spontaneous, it's a total buzzkill to ask them to do it again.

You're not nearly as smart as you think you are-
Not nearly.

Couples-
They have no right to exist. Any of them. I agree I'm a horrible person and I can be a total jerk oftentimes and I'm phsically atrocious and I'm not loaded or anything. I don't know why any girl anywhere would be foolish enough to find me intersting. It boggles my mind that such a thing could ever happen -- BUT I'm way better than every other guy on the planet. True story.

This has been this year's airing of grievances. Happy Festivus everyone!

christmas. it's on.

Alright everybody. It's on. Starting anytime on Wednesday, December 22 you can come over to my house and collect your Christmas gift. Remember supplies are limited! You'll only have the choice of 23 items IF YOU'RE EARLY. Of course you don't know what you're getting because they're all wrapped. Shortly after Christmas I will post what everyone received and then you can work out your trades if you wish. If you'd like to text, email, Twitter or Facebook me a reservation, I'm open to doing that. I'll even deliver if you need me to -- just hurry!

Anyways, let's celebrate the holiday a little bit with some of my favorite Christmas songs (fun idea: play all these embedded songs at the same time).

Recently at dinner I informed several of my friends that Erasure has a Christmas song. That's surprising to most people, since it's not as well known as that Mariah Carey Christmas song. Someone's finally made a cheap YouTube photo montage using that song. It's called "She Won't Be Home." Check it out:


Lately I've been a bigger Paul fan than John fan, but Lennon really nails the Christmas song better than McCartney did. Paul's "Wonderful Christmas Time" is almost dispassionate enough to have been written by robots. Of course Lennon wasn't really channeling Christmas spirit with "Happy Xmas (War is Over)." He was mostly channeling his hatred of the Vietnam War or something. Whatever though.


"Last Christmas" by Wham!


Wow, all these songs so far have been British. The Brits are way better than we are at making Christmas songs. I will now make a goal to spend one Christmas in England sometime in the future. Let's put all the Brits together for one big Brit carol. There are two huge things about Band-Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" that are worth noting. First, is that it shows people playing guitars, but as many times as I've heard the song I can't hear where any guitars are. The second thing is that Bono SOMEHOW out-Bonos himself and every other Bono impersonator at about 1:30.


The Waitresses are actually from Akron, Ohio but their Christmas song is super popular in The U.K. Couldn't find the official video, but here's a seemingly nice chick who made a video to the song. Good for her. Oh, the song's called "Christmas Wrapping" I think.

the plan for christmas gifts this year

As I sit at the computer and stare directly above me, my eyes catch this object:
It may be hard to tell from the picture but it's mistletoe -- a sign of the season. Yes, it shouldn't actually remind me of Christmas, since it's a perennial feature above my desk (and VERY ineffective btw), but somehow it does a little.

Probably a more obvious feature is the fake Christmas tree I managed to grab from my parents' house. Usually I only keep it up for six months at a time so it is a little more Christmasy. Here it is decked in festive lampshade and ornaments.

Look carefully at the picture of the tree. Notice that there are presents under there. Those are YOUR presents. An explanation follows.

I used to love getting gifts for people because I'd get tons of gifts for everybody I knew. The funnest part of the season for me used to be when I'd give someone a gift and then make them feel bad for not getting me anything. It really gave me a good superior feeling. Unfortunately that sort of practice is simply impractical now. I have too many friends and family.

Now a line must be drawn between those people who get gifts from me and those who don't. It's the worst thing about Christmas. I hate drawing that line. This year I'm not. This year I'm letting YOU draw the line for me.

Recently I placed a large order on Overstock.com for 23 items. I am giving each of these items away as an individual Christmas present. Each item was not purchased for any particular individual. When all the items arrive at my house I will say "Ready, Go!" (probably in the form of another blog post) and the first 23 people will get gifts. After that, nobody gets anything. Now I may sound sort of cold about this, but trust me, I'm doing this because I want you to get something from me. If I went about doing this the traditional way, I probably wouldn't get as many as 23 gifts for individuals. Of course I have way more than 23 friends so there's a good chance that you are my friend, but you wouldn't get anything from me (even though you may have been expecting it).

Anyway, this may seem selfish, but at least I don't have to reveal who my favorite 23 people are. If you participate in this, you will pretty much be inducted into my top 23.

I am planning on a gift for my parents and a group present for the house I live in. Other than that -- THIS IS ALL THE SHOPPING I'M DOING.

What are these gifts you may ask? Well, let me just say that all the gifts I ordered are items I WOULDN'T MIND GETTING MYSELF. So they're not NECESSARILY things you'd throw away on the 26th.

Here are some items I considered ordering for this project, but decided not to (so pretty much the items I ordered are better and/or more cost effective):

I've never read Inferno but it's a classic combining Christian theology with ancient myth in a perfect moral allegory. It's also the title of an X-men comic crossover from the 80s that borrowed several demonic elements from Dante's book. This particular edition was translated by Henry Wordsworth Longfellow (born February 27th!).

Say what you will of the series as a whole, but Goldmember was the best one. It contains one of my favorite lines in cinema: "There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch."

I think we've evolved to a point in culture where the lines between camp, irony and legitimacy are quite blurred. Five years ago we would have made fun of Sonny and Cher, now we'll gladly put them on as the perfect background music for a summer mocktail party.

How many people out there are nurses or medical assistants? Probably 70% of you. Wouldn't it be nice to have a spare scrubs top? Also works as a pajama top as if you didn't know that. Scrubs may have been pajamas first. Eventually doctors decided they'd rather do surgery right after they rolled out of bed. Anyway, scrubs tops are comfy.

Keep tuned in to the blog. When I say go -- come running over here to claim your gift.

Oh, and I nearly forgot. I'll keep track of who gets what, so if you'd like to exchange your gift with someone else, that will be possible. Sort of a white elephant type thing where you don't need to bring a white elephant yourself.

1923–2010

Who's scruffy-lookin'? You never got enough credit Irvin. Search your feelings. You know it to be true. And sorry I was three days late on this.

Also: AT-ATs are awesome.

1926-2010

"Love hurts. Sure, not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts."


I'm sad, but laughing.

Why did you disrupt that rendition of Shakespeare in the Park?

"Yes, well when I see five weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that's my policy"

halloween compost mortem

I had a wonderful Halloween, but it was far from ideal. I simply can't cram the entire holiday into a mere month. For those of you who were wondering, my costume this year was General Zod from Superman II.


If you're reading this now, it probably means you're my friend. It also means that there's a good chance you weren't born by 1982 which explains why I had to explain my costume to so many people. I needed a costume that would make use of the beard I'm presently sporting (which is getting really itchy and obnoxious, but I already told someone I'd grow a beard for Christmas). Also, my hair (as little as I have) tends to stick up more than slick back. Oh well.

I just finished watching The Simpsons Halloween special this year. It sucks that they don't show it before Halloween, but I'm sort of grateful that they extend the season slightly since I ran out of time to do everything else.

Actually, I managed all the essentials.

Those of you who came over to my house last week, thanks. We made a great movie this year and I'll probably post it soon. I was toying with the idea of entering it somewhere, but I don't even know where and I'd rather just keep it fun and public where everyone can see it. I will be tweaking it this week though, so it won't be up for a little while. My friends are really awesome to deal with me while we put the thing together.

I watched about a dozen scary movies. Thanks to Zo, we had some serious organization on that front. Unfortunately I wasn't able to finish watching all of the Friday the 13th movies, but I got 3 1/2 done. Also, I make a point of watching Donnie Darko every year, but time escaped me.

Once again, I wasn't able to go out trick-or-treating (still not opposed to doing it in my old age), but it was cool to receive trick-or-treaters -- even though most of them don't even say "trick or treat." What's up with that? I have to prod them most of the time.

I hit two haunted houses. They're getting less fun. I love them, but unfortunately they're so popular that the businesses are forced to make them the most efficient continuous line of people.

J.R. and I finished the Halloween cd, but we so ran out of time that we didn't get our cover art, movie quotes or lyrics finished. Here's the list. I'll burn you a copy if you want one.

1. "Keepin' Halloween Alive" by Alice Cooper
2. "The Ghost Who Walks" by Karen Elson
3. "Goo Goo Muck" by The Cramps
4. "Only After Dark" by The Human League
5. "Mr. Splitfoot" by Paris Motel
6. "Walk Like a Zombie" by HorrorPops
7. "Dead Girl Superstar" by Rob Zombie
8. "Jack You're Dead" by Joe Jackson
9. "Skullcrusher Mountain" by Jonathan Coulton
10. "A Night On Bald Mountain" by Eugene Ormandy
11. "Wake the Dead" by Family Force 5
12. "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" by Tracy Jordan
13. "She Wolf" by Shakira
14. "Wolf Like Me" by TV On the Radio
15. "Bed Intruder Mix" by Bruce Lee Roy
16. "This Gigantic Robot Kills" by MC Lars
17. "Mack the Knife" by Bobby Darin
18. "I Put a Spell on You " by Screamin' Jay Hawkins
19. "All Your Hate Lays On Me" by JonDis
20. "Good Man In a Bad Time" by Ian Hunter
21. "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" by Roger Daltrey

"Bed Intruder Mix" is J.R.'s "original composition" this year. He took the famous joke song that's been auto-tuned and "scarified" it. My original is called "All Your Hate Lays On Me" and it's pretty much a portion of the ABBA song "Lay All Your Love On Me" played backward.

"Mr. Splitfoot" is the song in the trailer for the new AMC series Walking Dead. Have you seen that? I may start watching it. I watched half of the first episode and it's pretty good.

Here are a couple of great finds this year from the album --

"Wolf Like Me" by TV On the Radio


"The Ghost Who Walks" by Karen Elson


I may tone it all down next year.

halloween movie ahoy!

Holy cow, has it nearly been a month since I've posted? I'm getting super lame.

Really busy this month though. I've been stressing out a lot about this year's Halloween movie. I think I'll finish it in time for the premiere at my house this Sunday at 6 p.m. What, you didn't hear? Well, check out the facebook invitation.

Facebook invitation

My house. Sunday. 6 P.M. Come over and then we'll go trick-or-treating.

Wanna see my super-rushed, crappily edited (in the wrong aspect ratio) trailer? Too bad. Watch it anyway.

here we go again

So I think I may be getting grosser and grosser every week. If you think I'm sort of a good person, don't watch. The crowd was wicked tough too. Oh well.

Thanks to Alex for getting this down. She snorted one time! That was funny.

sort of a weekly occurance

Alright. Quick announcement. ONCE AGAIN, I'll be doing open-mic night TOMORROW. Keep in mind that you're probably reading this tomorrow, which is WEDNESDAY. 8:00 at the Trolley Square Wiseguys is the important information. It's only five bucks, but FREE if you get up there too. It's not that scary. I only got injured once while doing it. I'm probably out of material, so MAYBE this is the last time I do it in a while. We'll see. I will tell ya though, I am a fan of the material I have this time around. More than usual.

standy 3

So... apologies. I know these may just be getting grosser and grosser. At least it's very very short this time. I also feel compelled to apologize because I forgot a couple of good jokes in the middle and also a very crucial set up that made the final joke much funnier (but also grosser). I said this on Twitter and Facebook already, but the keywords are garbage disposal, jellyfish, asparagus and then garbage disposal again. Here's a fun game! See if you can figure out what the jokes would have been based on the keywords I just gave! Okay fine, if you're that curious about the jokes, just come up and ask me.

the stand-up strikes back

So the stand-up went really really well I think. And thanks for everybody who came to check it out (all THREE of you). I'm not sure how I was able to pack the house last time. Hmm. Maybe I was so unfunny last time that nobody wanted to come back. Oh well. This time It may have been better because it was far shorter and tighter. Here it is. It's kind of hard to hear it, so I printed a rough transcript of it below the embed. probably the best way to view it is to play the video in an outside window and then glance at the blog if you miss something.



Woo! Yeah! Halloween is here! Halloween is here! It's my favorite season. Anybody like Halloween? Anybody like scary stories? It's my very favorite. I love love really really scary stories.

The most scary story in my opinion is the guy in the back seat of the car with the axe. Anybody ever been freaked out by that story? It's the scariest because you don't... it's it's like a suspenseful thing. You don't know how long he's been back there. Like for me and my car, I'll be like driving around. I'll be like (singing) "keep on pushin' my love over the border line! border line!" And then I hear this (stifled laughter). (pause) How long have you... been... back there? "For the past 11 songs ha ha!" But I thought I was alone! Oh no! You're not supposed to hear me singing in the car! And then he's like "Why do you only sing to the girl songs?" The girl songs make me feel prettyyy! Please stop laughing at me and please don't kill meeee!!! Hey! Salt n' Pepa! You wanna do a duet? "Yeah!" Kill me later. Kill me later.

So I recently started a new job -- and lost it -- but for the purposes of the next few jokes let's just say I'm still at the job. But like my favorite part of the new job is the orientation, you know. It's kind of like a free day. And y'know it doesn't really serve any purpose as far as I know it's just to help me integrate more with like some of the like Koreans and Japanese and Chinese and other Asians. That's what orientation's for, I dunno. So like, the best part of the orientation is all those sexual harassment videos that they show. Those are just like gold. I'm like taking so many notes. I'm like oh yeah. This is brilliant. This is perfect. This is great. But you know the human resources guy -- he sets me straight, he's like "No. No. You're not supposed to be taking notes during the sexual harassment videos. They're not to help you pick up girls.... If you have too much sexual harassment at work then that's grounds for termination." And I've been out of the workforce for so long that I don't even know the vernacular. I'm like termination? I'm thinkin' like The Terminator and like a terminal disease and then a crappy Tom Hanks movie. It's like really really foreboding stuff. But like what's termination again? What does that entail? He's like "Sir, when there is a termination that means some of your actions are so severe that you know there will be a firing--" A FIRING SQUAD?! What? All I did was pat your butt! I don't think it's really necessary for that I mean c'mon! Give me a break.

But human resources is great. I'm so happy that we have human resources to go to at our various jobs. I feel sorry for all the robots and chimps that I work with. They don't really have that aspect to go to. Which is why when I continue my sexual harassment at work, usually I exclu --

Um, actually sorry, are there any robots in here? Good, 'cuz I'm about to get really really racist right now.

I like to exclusively harass some of the robots at work because I'm like Hey! Hey Bolty! Drop another 50 pounds and you'll really be in my thoughts. What do you say we go to the maintenance closet anyway you dirty...

And then they're like "No. Please. Stop. Hostile. Work. Environment. Please. Stop."

I'm like who are you going to go to? Human Resources? You don't have a robot resources. There's no robot resources! What are you gonna do? Sorry. Hey chimp. Nice tail. Nice. Love it. Love it.

(I think right there I meant to say "Hey work monkey. Nice tail.")

It's great to be human. It's really good to be human. I love these times.

So um, dating's cool. It's not cool. I like dating and I love it when girls say -- this is like a common thing -- girls will always say this, like "Look, look, don't try to like sugar coat yourself or try too hard. Just be yourself! Be yourself!" Ladies, I think you should lay off the whole -- well not you know -- just take it easy, you know. Take it back because a lot of you don't know that like if we were to be ourselves like deep down, inside -- we're really horrible people. You should probably say "Hey, you know what? Um, pretend to be a good guy." The world would be a better place. Like when Eva Braun first started dating Hitler, she probably said, "You know what? Be yourself! Loosen up Adolf!" And he's like "What I really want to do is kill 6 million Jews." And she's like "Well okay! Wait. What? Okay well, just buy me stuff then." If she was a better person maybe she could have cut him down to like 3 million, I dunno.

the dumbest thing i've ever done (again)

I'm once again planning on doing open-mic stand-up -- TONIGHT. Please come and try to laugh.

Once again it's at Wiseguys at Trolley Square at 8:00 PM I believe. No idea when I'd actually go on. What they usually do is get everybody who signs up and then randomly draw the order. It's five bucks to get in, BUT it's free if you perform. You should do it too!

I think I'll talk about scary stories, workplace HR and Hitler. No doubt they'll only give me three minutes this time. Last time I took ten minutes but it was okay because I was last and I didn't actually realize that they were trying to wave me off the stage for seven minutes.

I'm hoping to get into a habit of doing this -- or at least doing it enough that I can do it without going into convulsive shakes before I go on (which is what happened last time).

it's scary movie time!

Alright! Yes we're doing this. Yes.

This year, the scary movie is a period piece from 1991. There will be blood. There will be special effects. There will be romance.

The plan is to start shooting SATURDAY (you know, 9/11). Hopefully we'll get the hard stuff first. We're not FULLY casted, but we will be soon. If you're into helping please join the facebook group and/or tell me/text me. Helping doesn't necessarily mean acting, but it does mean you're awesome.

JOIN THIS GROUP!

further geek cred

Okay, so it may be an understatement to say that I'm really into podcasting. Just don't sigh when I tell you this.

I recently joined another podcast and it's a hoot (that's right, I joined it instead of started it (although I did help start it)). Anyway, it's called Geeking Off.

It was actually Zo's idea. If you know Zo, you know what a fiend he is (and that the likelihood of us earning an explicit tag on iTunes is pretty high). Also Chad and Scott are in on it too. We talk a lot of comic books (Zo and Chad's interest especially) and whatever movie we saw last (the works of Bigelow and Lynch lately). The floodgates are open though, and we may talk about all sorts of stuff. In the future we'll be covering the whole genre of sci-fi as well as tackling the AFI top 100 movie list plus the works of Thomas Jane.

We have an awesome time. If listening to it is half as fun as recording it (which it most certainly is), then it's a rollicking way to hear something while at work or driving. Rollicking. Give a listen.

Go to the site here.

Subscribe in iTunes here.

the ghost in you she don't mind

Okay, so like remember when I said I was planning this year's Halloween movie? Well I'm still planning it. I'm thinking of starting shooting in a couple of weeks. Maybe just after Friday the 13th. Right now, I'm working on an outline and some pre-production details. The scope may be slightly higher than last year. I'm hoping to not just cram in zombies, but also a ghost story, a love story and a ghost love story (most likely the zombies will be eliminated entirely). Also it will probably take place in Yugoslavia 20 years ago. Start getting into character everybody!

Here is the ghost effect I'm messing with right now.

shiver and say the words of every lie you've heard

Ran out of podcasts to listen to earlier today, so i switched over to some music in the ol' shuffle. Skipped the first bunch of songs but finally settled into "The Only Thing That Shines" by Shriekback. Shriekback is a slightly obscure 80s gloom-dance side project. I don't know anybody else in Salt Lake who's a fan (although I'm sure they exist). This song is actually a ballad (and I think a pretty obsessive imbalanced one).

The next song was "Borderline" by Madonna. Today that song sounded SO good. Better than usual even. I pondered a little on the song's end fade out where she's just doing a sort of "la da da da la da da da." I wondered how it was recorded. Is there an actual end to the song that they cut out through fade? Perhaps I just wanted to hear some more even if she wasn't even singing words.

The next song was "Bring on the Dancing Horses" by Echo and the Bunnymen. It was absolute perfect timing, because I found the experience euphoric. Astute readers of this blog (just me I think) may recognize that this was the song that played during the fireworks climax at Sugarhouse as I drove by on I-80 (simply savvy people would recognize the tune from the Pretty in Pink Soundtrack (the 23rd greatest movie of all time)). Today this song sounded even better. I heard things in the song that I never really took specific notice of. Is that a harp? Is that an electric accordion? Most of all, the song sounded so earnest and sincere. I completely believed Ian McCulloch when he sang "First I'm gonna make it then I'm gonna break it 'til it falls apart." I also was willing to actually bring on the dancing horses he was speaking of. The fact that I don't have any idea what "it" is that will fall apart or where these horses are (or even if they're literal or figurative) had nothing to do with the absolute believability of what I was hearing.

I wonder if a song could be written today with the unironic harp, wheezy reverb and earnest (but easily make-fun-able) lyrics that I hear in "Bring on the Dancing Horses" and still be a song that I don't brush off immediately.

I'm the biggest 80s music fan I know. I'm very fond of saying that I've been a fan of 80s music since 1980. 90% of my friends cannot say this because they were born after December 31, 1980. I have a huge fear that my fandom is mostly a result of life chronology. Obviously it's a huge part of it. For the most part the music of today is no worse than any other era. The only reason you think it was better when you were a teen-ager is because that's the music that was released when YOU were a teen-ager.

I like to think it's not JUST that though. I like to think that there was a different sense of sincerity back then (that I think only I can see).

My biggest reason for wanting to take part in time travel is to just go back in time to a time I remember. Would it feel different? Would it feel now? It probably would, but I really really hope it would feel like it did back then -- which is simply a lot different than it feels now in ways too complex to describe and do justice.

Coincidentally while doing my traditional YouTube music video "research" for this post I discovered that "Bring on Your Dancing Horses" actually appears in Hot Tub Time Machine, a movie I meant to see, but didn't get around to. I have a bad feeling that everybody who has seen it now knows the song quite well and they know it as a joke. I'm afraid the song has now been reset. The time machine I'm hoping for is now much farther away.

july 14th: a review and critique

Another successful year!

Strangely I worked on Independence Day and I will work on the 24th, but I actually called in sick to work on the 14th. That's how important it is to me. Ironic since part of the appeal of the 14th is its unimportance.

This year Scott mentioned that we should actually call the holiday "Dependence Day." I like that, but I also like "Mid True Summer." I think we may change the name every year.

Quick review: Craig Blake won this year. He earned points for being the first to arrive, hitting the slip 'n slide over 50 times, counting how many times he went on the slip 'n slide, going on the slip 'n slide in style (sometimes literally jumping the shark at the end), drinking a bit of freedom water and sticking around the longest. His spirit and youth were impossible to beat.

Regan and Dre destroyed in the float competition which they actually entered as a diorama. Laura won the photo-taking competition (see below). I won the ding dong stacking competition. Plenty of others went the extra mile in their enthusiasm (Rhett, Scott, Pete, Steph, yadda yadda yadda).

As usual, people balked at the drink selection. It's a necessary evil to have only the competitive drinks out -- freedom water (Perrier), chocolate milk and whole milk. Next year it'll be a lot tougher, I tell you. Next year we're baggin' the chocolate milk and instead of Perrier we're only having Shasta tonic water. I tried the "bonus beverage" of Perrier and milk. Pretty nasty, but I probably prefer it to straight Perrier.

I told a couple of people that I actually had some "good" palate cleansing drinks in the house for the winding down of the celebration. As I type this I realize I forgot to get those drinks out. Sorry if anybody literally left with a bad taste in their mouths.

Check out awesome photos of the event right here:
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=130933720280646#!/album.php?aid=188467&id=589867674&ref=mf

abide by abide by the fourteenth of july

Hey gang. This week marks fourteenth of July week. Remember to come to the celebration at my house this Wednesday (the fourteenth).

Check out the facebook.
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=130933720280646&index=1

Lemme know if you need anything regarding what's just been said.

anti-dependent drugs

Every year during Independence Day weekend I sort of feel compelled and obligated to watch the fireworks. Pretty much every year I forget to plan to. I still watch them, but very often I do it alone, which is far more depressing than going to movies and music concerts alone (which I tend to do constantly).

I don't hate watching fireworks, but I certainly find nothing incredibly pleasurable about them, so I should feel fine NOT watching, right? Nope. Unfortunately for every annual event such as fireworks watching, I tend to overly realize that there is a finite number of actual incidents of said events in my lifetime. If I'm lucky, I'll probably be around to experience about 60 Independence Day fireworks shows. I've already seen about 25 of them. At the 60th one I don't want to be with my kids enjoying the sights and saying to them "Wow, this is the first time I've actually enjoyed this."

Since I didn't make any plans with friends (and couldn't really since I was "in the office" until 9:30), I decided to just drive around town observing the various shows as I witnessed them happen. My timing was off though. I witnessed the Midvale show in the mirror.

As the incredibly sad symbolism sinks in I'll go ahead and talk about something else for a moment.

This morning I loaded up the old Shuffle with this year's independent mix. I specifically decided not to go specifically "American" bands, but rather my own kind of "summer night sensation of freedom" (which, when compiling music is obviously different for me than everybody else). Some highlighted artists from the playlist include Erasure, Eurythmics, Zeppelin, Lily Allen, Muse, Queen, OMD, Radiohead, The Smiths, The Ting Tings, Underworld, Yaz and a HUGE chunk of New Order ("Ceremony" is my favorite song in the world right now).

Early on I thought, wow... lots of British acts in this one... on the holiday celebrating our independence from them. Huh.

Why the British? An obvious answer would be that they make better music than we do (or at least that Jon Madsen has that opinion). Perhaps an eager psychoanalyst would say that on the day of independence I'm looking to associate myself with what I've severed myself from. Despite being more independent now than I've ever been in my life, I'm yearning for dependence and it's manifested in my desire to be subjected to King George III once again on this day of all days.

The evening's fireworks show ended quite spectacularly (especially for being alone and not as impressed with fireworks as I was when I was 5). I managed to time the Sugerhouse fireshow as I passed under them on I-80 between 700 and 2300 E. When you've lived in the city for as long as I have you tend to find some really unique gems of activities. The particular process of traveling under the fireworks to this particular show on this particular stretch of road has several unique advancements over the sitting in the park with a blanket method. First of all, you actually travel into the fireworks as they happen. There's a wonderful sense of moving depth. The smokey residue wafts onto the freeway and makes the inside of the car smell like the holiday. Also, of course you're listening to your music -- perhaps even your own independent mix (alternated with Showtunes Saturday Night of course). "Bring on the Dancing Horses" by Echo and the Bunnymen played during the big fireworks climax. VERY effective. So effective it was that I just HAD to share it.

Anyway, here's to independence, but also here's to British pop music. How about a little of both? Watch/listen to "Freedom '90" by George Michael. It's a good one. It's worthy of Independence (dependence) Day.



P.S. Don't get this song mixed up with "Freedom" by WHAM! Same singer, same title (sorta); but not the same song. Both are actually pretty good though.

Jon Demand XVIII

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summer's here a month ago!

A new paint job that looks like the French flag on the 'ol phone means Summer is officially here (yes, I put off painting my phone for a month)!

Also, it means the 4th annual Salt Lake City 14th of July celebration is shortly upon us (in my backyard). Please plan accordingly as a Facebook invite is shortly in the works. The 14th of July falls on a Wednesday this year I believe.

Also, just so everyone knows, while applying liberal amounts of nail polish remover to remove the previous pink "Valentine's Day" paintjob, I think I wrecked my phone. The microphone doesn't work too well anymore, so it's hard to hear me if we're in a conversation. At least it looks sort of nice for a phone that's eight years old.

think scariest summer ever

I've been thinking about this year's Halloween movie lately. I think it'll be pretty cool. Usually, I don't start thinking about it until like the end of September at the earliest. It always turns into a very stressful (yet very fun) ordeal.

Yes, it's quite early. I'm only saying I'm thinking about it now to give everybody who wants to be a part of it time to also think about it. Lately I've been musing a little on what I want the story to be this time around and I think we may have something really special. Horror! Comedy! Social issues! Kissing! Seriously!

It's never too soon to let me know if you'd like to be involved. I'll set up the Facebook group shortly, but don't be afraid to tell me you're in before then! I'd like to shoot the thing in August. The weather may be more agreeable for us.

Anyway, if you're reading this and have no idea what I'm talking about, feel free to catch up on some old Halloween classics which are embedded below (2005, 2008, 2009).

lost spin-offs

I mentioned at the end of the last post that, now that Lost is over, I wanted to throw in a few more ideas to how ABC will be able to keep the momentum through spin-off shows. Here we go!

A few have already been covered by other personalities and by the show itself. Here are a couple of obvious ones that seriously would be pretty awesome television shows:

1. Dead and Alive
Who wouldn't love an actual police procedural starring Miles and Sawyer as police partners? Miles searches for clues by communing with the dead while Sawyer utters a dozen quippy cop lines throughout the course of the show.

2. Two and a Half Teachers
Simply put, the action of this television show takes place in the heated arguments of a teachers' lounge of a struggling suburban high school. Ben and Artzt constantly bicker of the best methods to teach the kids while latching onto their sanity. Often a third, more obvious method, is revealed by a crippled substitute teacher by the name of Locke.

3. Ad Aeterno
After spending hundreds of years on the island, Richard Alpert roams the American countryside aghast at how culture has changed. He meets souls in need and always helps with his expertise of the 18th century Spanish slave trade. He only wants one thing, but in his travels he never achieves it. Love.

Okay here are some more that I haven't heard anyone else say:

4. Fantahurley Island
This is a direct continuation of Lost on the island, but it is also a remake of Fantasy Island. People come from all over the world to see their fantasies realized, but their fantasies don't give them the answers they desire. Toward the end of every episode they seek out the "Mr. Roarke" of the island -- Hurley. Hurley's sort of a guru of sorts and his advice is always sound and enlightening. People assume it's because of his great role on the island that Hurley is able to provide them with answers. What they don't know, though, is that every week he pretty much just recites a line from Star Wars. Also, as an added bonus to the show, Nikki and Paolo are roaming the island as zombies.

5. The Estrogeneration
Claire and Kate settle down in Los Angeles to raise Aaron as their son. They decide that they both like girls now because Aaron turns out to be such a chick magnet. If the show goes on long enough, much of the show will center around Aaron's troubled teen years when he has difficulty adjusting when so many women of all types and ages are so obviously attracted to him.

6. American Flyer
In an effort to get away from the craziness of international flights across the Pacific, Lapitus retires as a pilot and takes a job as an unassuming semi-truck driver. Every week in his travels he comes across someone in need. Strangely every single episode ends with him reluctantly piloting some kind of apparatus to save the day. It may be a glider or a peddle-powered helicopter that he built or maybe a missile with a saddle that he rides like a horse. His catch-phrase before every single ill-conceived flight is, "Let's see what this thing can do!"

7. Mission Unaccomplished
This particular drama actually takes place before The Oceanic Six return to the island. Sayid is troubled by all the prejudice he sees from average Americans concerning people of Arabic descent. He makes it his goal to squash the Arab stereotype, but this is constantly made difficult by the fact that he's a ruthless international assassin from Iraq.

Please enjoy! If not on television itself, then in your head.

obligatory lost post (but i'd write it even if it wasn't obligatory)

I've been putting this off for a couple of days. Hopefully I get all my thoughts in, but it's not super long. I don't think it'll be super long. I'll just say the important stuff this time.

First of all let me say that watching the Lost finale reminded me how much I love the show. Now I'm more interested in watching the whole thing over again than I was before. I've quibbled on the technique by which they're shown, but I love these characters. I love these people.

That said, I still stand behind what I previously said about the legacy of the show becoming a disappointment when looking back on the finale. I still love the show, but that's the way it is. I think I can still love a show and also have mild disappointment at the same time.

Everything matters. That's what was told to us. We got to see Boone and Shannon there in the temple and I thought the same thing I thought way back in season 1 when Boone died, do they matter? At all? Kate's horse? Tall, wet Walt? (Although seeing Nikki and Paolo in the temple would have been AWESOME.)

Let me take a paragraph here and say something positive about this same subject. Throughout the series many many many people died. Eventually I think I tended to get the infantry soldier's "thousand-yard stare" when I thought about how useless it is that these people are dying. For what? What's the big secret? What mystery is so important that so many innocents die? I found it very troubling. Now, with the finale the big thing they addressed is death. Death wasn't the finality presented to us in the 120 previous episodes. Everybody dies. That's not important though. What's important is whether or not you're able to "move on" once you're there.

I am not saying they needed to cover a laundry list of answers and just check them off. What I'm saying and what I tried to say in the previous post is that I feel they needed to at least more ambiguously connect some answered questions to each other so that it doesn't look like they simply forgot most of them. And it DOES look like that. It's my opinion, but I would venture that MOST people who watched the entirety of the show now feel like many of the mysteries weren't just not answered, but blatantly swept under the rug hoping we won't notice. My opinion. Let's address these things one by one later.

So as I mentioned in the previous post, Carlton Cuse has stated that the final image of the show is the same final image they discussed for ending the show way back in season 1. As I watched the finale I had this in my mind. So the final image is... a hugfest in a church in purgatory. Okay, fine. I especially liked that it was six seasons worth of hugging and not just one. Too bad Eko wasn't in there. I'm sure he was supposed to be, but I hear the actor doesn't want anything to do with the show, so that's a big loss (of course maybe he wasn't "ready" -- he was religious, but also a killer).

Anyway, I get the sinister feeling that the plan from season 1 wasn't to have them get off the island, then struggle to get back on, then struggle for and against the two island "deities," then split into two realities, then pick a new "Jacob," etc. BUT I do believe that they planned on ending the show in the alt-reality purgatory church. I may be a negative nellie on this one, but I think it's obvious that the creators decided very early on that the island was, indeed, purgatory, but were miffed that the fans guessed it so incredibly fast. They then thought of the sideways universe as the new purgatory and ended the show as originally planned. I guess it's not that horrible. I just can't wait for them to admit it five years from now.

I see this attitude with a more minor plot point. Is there a good reason why we don't know the Man in Black's name? It's not just that his name is a mystery, it's that nobody on the show even bothers to wonder (see, this is the under the rug sweeping I kind of mean). We learn later that Jacob and MiB are brothers. Was MiB's name going to be Esau? Seems like an apt moniker right? I think the creators never mentioned his name because they were miffed that the fans guessed it TEN MINUTES after the character was introduced.

Okay, getting into the details again. I apologize.

Actually one more detail. Did the hydrogen bomb do anything? I'm not complaining, just wondering. Did the show use the bomb as a misdirection to make us think it caused the sideways universe, but the sideways universe was actually just a perception of the afterlife? I actually sort of like that idea. That means when Juliet said "it worked" while dying in Sawyer's arms, she wasn't speaking of the hydrogen bomb working, but of their whole lives -- because she was speaking as someone who was able to find Sawyer again in death.

Anyway, the creators were smart to make the ending about the relationships of the characters rather than answering some big huge mystery. I think it's short-term smart though because the sentiment won't last and won't be as legendary as the more mysterious aspects of the show. One thing they could have tried would be to pull a 180 and pose the biggest question ever right at the end and then finish it. That may be seen as a giant "screw you" to the fans though.

So mysteries aside. It's about the characters. And that's where I think the finale really... failed.

Now on to character nit-picking. At least that's what this will be viewed as. I won't go through everyone, but I struggle a lot with the show's presentation of the "goodness" of Locke. This was the biggest answer I've been waiting for on the show for the past three years.

I'm incredibly surprised I seem to be the only one who feels this way, but the instant Locke finagled the morally-struggling John Ford to do his dirty work and kill "the real Sawyer" in order for Locke to be properly initiated into the others; my impression of the character was embittered in totality. I find this action worse than murder. I hated how Jack came to the conclusion that Locke was "right." Perhaps Locke was right in believing in the island and its importance, but Locke was dead wrong in his actions that carried out what he believed. Just believing in something doesn't validate actions. Locke was right. Ben was wrong. They were both Machiavellian in their pursuits, but Locke doesn't get a free ride for his actions just because of his thoughts.

Obviously the creators and the fans feel differently. That's too bad. It's a taint I guess I'll always see and I'll keep it with me forever I guess. If what I'm feeling was more fully illustrated in the show, I think it could have made a great point. Science and faith can BOTH be wrong when carried into the extreme. I do like the character that Jack becomes because of his faith/science struggle though. It's quite the best of both worlds plus I find the guy far more... "good" than either his past self or (of course) Locke.

I guess I've written enough. It was a great show with a good finale. Could have used more punch outs or baby-throwing, but I'm content and exhausted and sort of glad it's over so that I don't get Lost anxiety every week. Quite a ride.

Please stay-tuned to one last Lost post about what spin-offs I want to see happen.

dharma karma

I don't know what I'm gonna say, but I gotta say it fast -- I gotta say it before Sunday.

I'm a huge fan and I'm about to go off. If you HAVEN'T seen all of Lost up to this point, begin watching it. Don't stop watching it until you get to the final episode of season 3. Notice I didn't say you have to watch the whole thing. Just watch to the last episode of season 3 and then you can decide if you want to commit to the rest.

Lost is finally ending. I don't wanna say "finally" though, because how can it possibly end when it's at its nonsensical peak?

Howsabout I get rid of my unanswered questions first.

Apparently it's really really hard to get to the island if you want to... yet (in order to explain Jorge Garcia's weight most likely) some plane somewhere has been dropping crates of Dharma food on the island. If Widmore really wanted to get back couldn't he just nab THAT plane?

The others had a special interest in Walt. Did they know he was a candidate? If they knew the candidates why didn't they kidnap Jack and Sawyer from the beginning?

So, the numbers... what's the deal with them? Still important? Does the universe itself still have something to do with them or has the nature of the universe drifted a bit more toward the whims of the two twin island deities?

I could quibble more, but I won't. I'll defend for just a second. As the creators have pointed out, Lost is a lot more about the questions than the answers. The questions are far more fun. Without the questions, the mystery as well as the mystique of the show would be gone and as a result, the charm.

True.

In that case, there could be dozens and dozens of unresolved questions this Sunday at 11:30 and not only would it not matter, but the show would become more legendary for maintaining its mystique long after it ended. Ideally, the show would have the best of both worlds -- a gigantic mainstream success with a cult following that will continue to discuss the Lost philosophy for years to come.

That is not the case, however.

Unfortunately, the burgeoning of questions piled onto the Lost mythology has simply made it creatively top-heavy. I'll be the first to admit that the questions are more interesting than the answers, but not when they contradict each other in hindsight -- which is what WILL happen unless they are resolved (or at least tied TOGETHER rather than just tied up).

Monday morning will come and instead of fondly discussing the questions, fans of the show will look at the inconsistencies and see sloppiness.

I know I'm coming across as a faithless first and second season Jack Shephard. Hopefully I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong. I hope Lindelof and Cuse will pull something together that doesn't necessarily answer everything, but will at least make it SEEM like the chaos is worth it to TRY to figure out.

According to Carlton Cuse, the final image they shot of the show is the same image they decided on in the first season. Maybe that's true. Even so, I'm not necessarily impressed with stretching of the plot taffy in every random direction only to bring it back to where it was already. In the process that plot taffy got real thin and picked up lots and lots of gross dust and hair on the way back home. I think that analogy made sense, don't you?

Actually the whole point of the post is for me to say something completely different. I think that the story and evolution of coming up with the story of Lost may actually be more interesting than Lost itself. I heard it best on (I think think) the Firewall and Iceberg podcast where one of the guys said something like "Can you imagine J.J. Abrams sitting at home watching the most recent episode of Lost and saying 'did I seriously CREATE this show?'"

Here's what I really want and something I'd absolutely consume to the core: I want Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to write a tell-all chronicling the history and philosophy of the show chronologically. What specific plot points were decided by fan interaction? What specific things were in place all along? What specific things were improvised? If anybody listens to them in interviews they are pretty open about many specifics, but not in the context of the completed show in hindsight. Oo! Oo! Better yet, a movie documentary filled to the brim with the executives, show runners, writers and directors. They could re-visit all their creative arguments and everything. I'd love that.

No guarantees though. They're under absolutely no obligation and... there is a mystique to maintain.

sense us, the "working"

Life over the past few days have been especially hilariouser than usual. I say that as someone who is getting more and more like Cosmo Kramer every day.

Anyway, I'm taking another stab at working for money -- hence the hilarity. This time it's a temporary stint with the United States Census. I guess temporary is obvious. It's not like there's a 2011 census. Although who's the head of the census? I bet it's the cushiest job ever! Don't do anything for ten years and then count to 300 million.

Haven't done any work yet. Totally could've but they're insistent on a pretty unnecessary five-day training program. Very cool since the training program itself pays. It's a freebie (five days of freeb).

The point is, the first day of HR sexual harassment videos are definitely the best sexual harassment training videos I've ever seen. It's a total faux pas to laugh during the harassment training videos, but it was really really hard not to this time.

Speaking of HR, why do we make a point of pointing out that it's HUMAN resources? Are there more resources for non-humans? I've never heard of robot resources. Are the robots mad? Do robots get mad? Do we program robots not to get mad because they have nowhere to go in the workplace when they're harassed?

And what's up with that paragraph about this employer being an "equal opportunity employer" like they're all so super special for it? Has anyone in the past 30 years worked for an inequal opportunity employer? Why do they have to point it out so often? Is anybody seriously on the edge of their seat waiting for that announcement?

If I call you I have to stick to the script. They're SUPER strict about that. If I go off script they talk about "termination." I don't know if that means a firing or a firing squad, so don't be surprised if I pretend I don't know you.

standupping citizen

Here is the result of Wiseguys open mic night. I was supposed to only go for three minutes, but I wasn't aware of the signal to get off the stage.

The "dirty" joke begins at about 1:25. Don't say I didn't warn you.


The big ignorant bit about multiple sclerosis begins at about 1:15.


I am now crossing off #91 from the big list.

soon to experience the most humiliating moment of my life

In what is surely a bad idea, I've decided to take part in open mic night over at Wiseguys comedy club this coming Wednesday.

Come see me! It will be so sad!

Details:
Wiseguys. Trolley Square. Wednesday. 8pm (doors open at 6 (but seriously who's waiting in line for open mic night (I seriously don't know))). 5 bucks.

I got Zo to agree to do it too. Just come and laugh and/or pity laugh. Could really use it I think.

joe roast

Been meaning to put this together for a while. Here's the heavily edited version of the Joe Evans Bachelor Party Roast.

It's quite enjoyable I think even though there's actually about 45 more minutes of footage in the real one.

steve jobs sort of accepts the gospel!

For anybody interested, The Iron Rodcast is now available on iTunes.

The main page is:
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-iron-rodcast/id368396943

So write that down and then type it into a browser and then the browser will redirect you into your iTunes.

Or you can just click here.

Go ahead and subscribe! It's a good idea. Seriously. Subscribing downloads new episodes automatically to your computer so you don't have to do it yourself (it's all part of the robots taking over our free will). Then the podcast can easily be synced to your iPod or iPhone or whatever you've got. Then you listen to my nerdy nasally voice while you jog. It may not be the most adrenalizing thing to listen to while you run, but it's WAY freeer (freer? free-er?)

at least we didn't call it the godcast

So even though my hand hurts, my incredibly dorky, nasally "um" emitting voice works totally fine (except that it's dorky and nasal and says "um" A LOT).

A couple of weeks ago Pete, Rhett and I decided to start another podcast but this time we decided to start one that most people we know might actually be interested in listening to.

We call it The Iron Rodcast and you can probably guess that it's an LDS-themed podcast. Pretty much most people we know are pretty hard into their LDS, so this may prove interesting for you. We pretty much talk about what we learned in Sunday School (which is always news to me since I always miss Sunday School) and then talk about something else random and religious.

We've recorded two episodes so far and iTunes doesn't recognize it yet, but you can download them all directly at ironrodcast.blogspot.com. Hey! Let us know what you think.

Pete and Rhett are of course geniuses, but at least I take comfort in knowing that I'm the good-looking one.