whoops. where am i?

I feel guilty when I don't blog for over a month.

I recently purged myself of a lot by starting another blog that I actually invited people not to read. Unfortunately, I think it took away from my flagship (wow, it's sad that at this point in my life my "flagship" is something called "jon's blog").

Anyway, here's my last post from angeR sidewayS. It's what I would have written here, if I wasn't now in the habit of writing on my non-ready blog. Read it if you sort of enjoy 80s music.

500 down. now -- the repeats.

Happy birthday Rhett. I'm linking to probably my favorite thing I've written:

http://jonmadsen.blogspot.com/2006/08/rhettacular-rhettacular.html

post 500!

I posted this on Facebook already, so you've likely seen it. The idea to make a music video for "88 Lines About 44 Women" has been in my head for several years. Everybody loves grabbing cute girls and getting that cute self-shot with the camera. I've always known I'd do something with all those.



My other title for this movie would be "Jon's Hair Loss: A Chronological study from 1995-2011."

I am a bit concerned that the video may portray that there were 44 girls in my life and each one is remembered by a few seconds. This of course isn't true. There have been far more than 44 women in my life and they all deserve more than that. Some far far more than others. Actually, though, there are a few girls in the video whose names I don't know (see if you can find the girl on the Russian national curling team). They were just at the right (wrong) place at the right (wrong) time.

post 499

I've gotten some good fortune cookie fortunes lately.
Hey, that's flattering. Of course "could" is quite a conditional.
Hmm. Someone pointed out that apparently fortune cookies don't believe music is art. They may be myopic in their definitions, but at least they are pretty inclusive in the end. Plus, this is proof in writing that I'm totally deep.
I try a new look every day! More and more of my hair is falling out.
The truest of all. Especially considering how most of my actions are in direct response to the ideals of the Enlightenment period of the late 18th century. It's all intuition over rationalism baby (even though my intuition is inevitably always wrong). Also, I brood a lot.

Here's something else hilarious. I actually accrued 3o bucks in fees at the city library. I bet that makes me look smart! Well, on second thought it makes me look like an illiterate fool who either takes months at a time to read a novel or someone who doesn't know the renewal process. To make myself even more foolish, here's the list of items the library charged me for:

Cult science fiction films : from the amazing colossal man to Yog--the monster fro $2.00
The nitpicker's guide for Next generation trekkers / Phil Farrand. $0.20
1000 record covers / Michael Ochs. $0.20
Peanuts treasury / by Charles M. Schulz ; foreword by Johnny Hart. $0.20
Cult science fiction films : from the amazing colossal man to Yog--the monster fro $1.40
Star trek memories / William Shatner with Chris Kreski. $1.40
Spock's world / by Diane Duane. $1.40
Happier : learn the secrets to daily joy and lasting fulfillment / Tal Ben-Shahar. $2.40
Spock's world / by Diane Duane. $1.60
The amazing adventures of the escapist. volume 2. $0.20
Excalibur classic / writer, Chris Claremont ; artists, Alan Davis ... [et al.]. Vo $0.20
Excalibur : the sword is drawn / writer, Chris Claremont ; Alan Davis ...[et al.] $0.20
Ender's game. Battle school / Orson Scott Card, creative director & executive dir $0.20
Wolverine : Old Man Logan / Mark Millar, writer ; Steve McNiven, penciler ; Dexter $0.20
Y : the last man / Brian K. Vaughan, writer ; Pia Guerra, penciller ; José Ma $0.20
Star trek, Deep Space Nine. Season 1 [videorecording] / Paramount Pictures. $1.00
How to write science fiction and fantasy / Orson Scott Card. $1.20
Ender's game. Battle school / Orson Scott Card, creative director & executive dir $0.60
Y : the last man. Book two / Brian K. Vaughan, writer ; Pia Guerra, Goran Parlov, $2.40
Y : the last man. Book two / Brian K. Vaughan, writer ; Pia Guerra, Goran Parlov, $0.20
Y : the last man. Book two / Brian K. Vaughan, writer ; Pia Guerra, Goran Parlov, $0.20
The West Wing. The complete seventh season [videorecording] / John Wells Productio $2.00
Casino royale : a James Bond novel / by Ian Fleming. $2.60
A James Bond omnibus / Ian Fleming. $2.60
A James Bond omnibus / Ian Fleming. $2.80
Casino royale : a James Bond novel / by Ian Fleming. $2.80
TOTAL FINES : $30.40
Service Charge : $0.00
TOTAL: $30.40

I bet you're gonna ask me if Casino Royale is any good. I read two pages. Y: the last man is brilliant though (even if its portrayal of women is pretty far off in my opinion).

In an unrelated and actually pretty uninteresting note, I've started a new blog. I'm still maintaining this one, so if you're reading this you don't have to change anything on your Google Reader.

The new blog is because I've been feeling that I've never really been very honest or expressive. I think I tend to be very reserved for the most part. I also want to write more, but don't want to waste any words on this blog experimenting -- which is really what this new one is. I'm planning on writing every day. And it'll pretty much just be what's on my mind while I'm typing. So... in essence it's sort of exactly like all the blogs I hate reading. Anyway, if you'd like to check it out it's here:

http://angersideways.blogspot.com/

25 days left

I broke down and downloaded a trial version of Photoshop Elements. I have 25 days until I have to pay for it.

I've purchased it before, but for some reason my computer won't give me permission to install it from its original disc. The new version I've downloaded should be much better, but so far it's not nearly as intuitive (of course I've been using the older version for like a decade, so maybe what I consider "intuitive" is just years of practice).

Anyway, until now, I've been Photoshopless for like six months (perhaps you've noticed there haven't been as many obviously photoshopped pictures lately). In 25 days, this trial version of Photoshop will stop working unless I pay for it again. So for the next 25 days I'll have to get all the Photoshopping out of my system for the rest of my life I suppose (or until I give in and pay again). If you would like something Photoshopped by an enthusiastic amateur, lemme know.

Here's an oooooold photo I just touched up back from my days on the pro wrestling circuit:


Yeah, notice how I made my buddy's eyes like Terminator's? Awesome.

ALSO, most of you know that my old squeeze M**** is back in town. Apparently, she's going to become a lawyer and as part of this new spirit of professionalism her online presence needs to be nothing but that. Professional. Since so much of her former life involved me and so much of my online life strives to be the opposite of professional -- I need to scour her name from the internet wherever I can.

If you see the name M**** M****** anywhere on this blog, somewhere in my movie commentary podcast, my Star Trek podcast, my Forgotten Realms blog, my Jon Demand video blog, Robot Rex audio journal, Twitter, Facebook or anything else online that I have control of -- please let me know.

Remember, it's far easier to be a trusted and respectable member of society when your persona is hidden from society.

senility

There are just a couple of things I forgot to mention last time.

One: combined with my diet tonic seizure and mammary-inducing half and half intake, I was also pretty decently buzzed by Laura's drunken watermelon.

Two: I'm in the middle of a seven-day weekend. Doesn't that sound great? The only catch is that I have to work three of those seven days. Off Thursday, on Friday, off Saturday, on Sunday, off Monday, on Tuesday, off Wednesday. Best or worst schedule ever? What do you think?

14j2011 post-op

Well, the turnout for this year's July 14th party was quite disappointing. I'm guessing it was a weird time -- a busy weekday on the cusp of a busy weekend. I refuse to believe that everyone has lost believe in making the holiday truly happen.


I'm not complaining either. I was able to win the trophy for the first time this year. I got it by almost being the only one to do the slip n' slide and by buying the trophy and then not actually disqualifying myself from being in the running. I also drank a cup of diet tonic water (which gave me a seizure) and three cups of half and half (which made my boobs totally bigger).



We invented a new game this year. It involves fireworks. We had another game made up, but apparently California candles aren't much like Roman candles. Check out the game below:







The idea for the game I wanted to do would be sort of a Harry Potter homage (I guess that's a thing that came out this weekend) using Roman candles to "avada kedavra" the helium balloons as they float away. The name of the game would be "Gang of Terrorists Shooting Guns in the Air, But This Time They're Actually Aiming at Stuff."

july 14th 2011

Some of you may not be aware because you don't keep close tabs on me on Facebook, but the big July 14th celebration is on and it's Thursday (which happens to be July 14th). Please come!

Here is the information you need.

Come to my house anytime between 3 and 10. I recommend early so you can get some good slip 'n slide in.

Just so you're aware, there will be some sort of trophy for whoever upholds the spirit of the 14th the best. You will earn points by slip 'n slide style points, good food that you bring, winning some of the games and of course tonic water consumption (diet tonic water this year).

There also may be some kind of game out of aerial fireworking.

Some of you may not be able to attend this year. If you'd like to attend remotely, I will either set up a Skype cam, a justin.tv cam or a Google+ "hang out." I'm actually leaning toward the justin.tv because you don't need to be a member of Skype or Google+ to see it and you can still chat along.

My justin.tv page is:

http://www.justin.tv/jrwatchesstartrek

Yes, that's the justin.tv page for when I do the Star Trek podcast. Don't worry about the title. The video should still work. Between now and Thursday, if you'd like, please give me your Skype name and/or befriend me on Google+.

This post sounds boring. The 14th of July won't be. Not because I guarantee you'll have a good time, but because every time we do this everybody comes with a good attitude and ready for some wicked summer leisure.

Oh! I think I'll also strike up the 'ol deep fryer. That'll be sweet.

indefreeberty

Link.

the sixth day

I'm Going Slightly Mad.

But it's mostly just in my head.

Presently I'm on the sixth day of an eight-day work week. Through some glitch in scheduling I work from Thursday the 23rd to Thursday the 30th with no days off inbetween. I'm terribly exhausted (which is unusual because my job description is as follows: sit in a chair). I'm probably just exhausted because my consciousness dove Headlong into dwelling on the eight day work week. It's the silly novelty of it all.

Today, though, I realized something. It's nothing physical or even mental. I Don't Try So Hard. While I sit in a chair, I take demands. I'm enslaved. In small doses, it's a great thing. I think it's human nature to want to serve (even in a perverse way, a sort of masochism) -- but after so many days of nobody fulfilling my demands, it just backs up (there's a need to expel my sadism, in other words).

All God's People are not the same. I would venture that 10% of them probably need to be put down -- and I don't mean merely insulting them. These aren't the people who ought to be insulting me -- even if I deserve it. This is how people Ride the Wild Wind -- go postal in other words.

Anyway, against all logic, on this sixth day I've gone completely jittery. I may have lost weight today just from restless leg syndrome. We're trained to make it through five days. Exactly. From a very very early age we're shipped off to public school and our minds are conditioned exactly to the amount of labor that occurs during the week. Give for five days, take for two. These Are the Days of Our Lives. From today on, I don't need some debutante named Bijou telling me how entitled she is. Now it's my turn.

It's time to take. Give to me. You can Delilah me, and take later if you need to. I'll be more than willing for masochism in the future. Presently, the giving... I Can't Live With You. In the meantime, get creative and I'll appreciate it.

The Show Must Go On.

(Btw, if you read this all the way to the end, you may notice certain weirdness in the writing. There's a hidden theme in this blog post. If you figure it out, tell me. I'll be tickled pink. In fact I'll be willing to give to you -- even in my incredible present selfish state. I would LOVE to give to you. You'd be my queen.)

xkcd tribute

Lately I've been staving off insanity by living off of xkcd. The strip has a lot of math in it, but my favorites are the romance-oriented ones. The following popped into my head in xkcd style (most likely because there's probably a very similar strip that's now in my subconscious).


Good times.

I stole the chair from Randall himself. Also, there's a line directly lifted from Cameron Crowe. Full disclosure.

I did a bunch of this on my iPad in the park today. Download "Brushes" from your local App Store. It's a great one (it works for lots more than stick figures).

has anyone ever been to the panda inn?

If you know me well, this will be the third time you've seen this today. I apologize.

perchance to go insane

Once a month I have a very intense night of constant dreaming.

Sometimes it comes with a sort of fever. It came that way last night. I had to take my socks off and usually I wear socks to bed (with a hoodie and everything -- I really bundle up). Anyway, last night: no socks, no hoodie. Hot. Weird.

I wonder if I don't get proper REM sleep. I also wonder if that Next Generation episode is accurate where they go to a part of space that turns off their REM and so they start hallucinating.

I was dreaming constantly, but the only dream I remember is how I was in high school, and I had to drive my friend and her friend there too. My friend was someone I know now in real life (but not in high school). The car in my dream was a dream car (as in a car in my dream, not necessarily a real boss car (it was like a gold '97 Accord)), BUT the car keys in my dream was the set I have in real life. I was super confused in my dream because I couldn't figure out which key started the thing. None of them worked. They were "reality keys."

I remember when I flirted with being a psych major we went over dreams a little. There were tons of theories, but the one with the shortest explanation was the only one that made sense to me. When we dream, our brains test out certain neurons by firing randomly. Dreams are our brains attempting to make sense of the random neurons going on and off.

The weird thing is, they can't be completely random. For some reason, I have a constant recurring dream theme of not showing up for high school classes. It's a steady nightmare. But I never worried about it when I was actually in high school.

I had to adjust after seven hours of steady dreaming. For my first three hours of actual consciousness today it felt less real than trying to drive two people to high school in a car I've never been in, from what looked like my first flat in New Zealand -- and at 11:00 pm now that I think about it. I had to force my way back into reality. Never much had a grasp in the first place, I suppose.

Anyway, I just got back from seeing The Hangover Part II. Check my Twitter account for what I thought of it.

talk about pop music (new york london paris munich)

My parents took me to dinner a few hours ago. I was super surprised when my mom said she was happy that I wasn't at the U2 show. It's weird that my mother would be aware of anything of the sort. I said I guess it would've been neat to go, but I didn't realize it was that night, I hadn't planned for it and I'd already seen them live so I didn't need to see them again. Of course, when I did see them, my seat was behind the stage and above the sound system -- so I was pretty much watching the audience watch the show. I still debate with myself about whether or not I've actually seen U2 live based on that experience.

Mom told me she was hoping I'd have grown out of such things by now. Mom's a far classier lady than I am. She never got into the pop scene -- even as a young cougarette. She never outgrew classical music and I let her know I could be just as stubborn.

On the way home from dinner I participated in one of my new favorite past-times -- driving by outdoor concerts to hear what song is playing. When I drove by Rice-Eccles stadium the sound was pretty crystal. They played "All I Want Is You" and "Stay (Faraway, So Close!)" (which pretty much made it a better show already than the last time I saw them).

I'm not a super huge U2 fan. I think most of my joy during my drive by comes from the nostalgia of my teenage years where U2 was playing whether I wanted them to or not. We all hated being teenagers, but there was something about back then that makes us remember it fondly when we're exposed to the same stimuli.

I'll never outgrow my love of pop music. It's impossible. It was too formative. Please don't worry, though Mom. There's plenty of room to love everything else too.

I listened to the radio on the way home and car-danced to every single song. Thankfully Movin' 100.7 is back on my presets. And thankfully (wonderfully) "Borderline" by Madonna played.



Wow. Great song. Sorta terrible video. Whatev.

You know what? As long as we're on the subject, watch the first minute of this video:

i'm a man of flesh and bone. rapture rushing through my veins.

If you haven't heard, the Rapture is this Saturday.

I must admit there is about a 70% chance it won't happen this Saturday. Still, you know how it's said that "no man knoweth" when the end will be? So how unexpected would it be if the end of the world came on the exact day that some random minister says it will?

Anyway, it's been nice everyone. If I don't see you again, I just want you to know that (in the words of Lou Reed): "Life's good, but not fair at all."

I have no regrets. Wait, scratch that. 90% of all decisions I've ever made have been wrong. See the following XKCD chart:

I really don't know how the guy got my exact count for his comic.

bmi/tmi

Recently I realized something.

In order to combat this (and in a feverish panic) I went out and bought Wii Fit with one of those balance boards. I'm amazed at how personable the game is. It's like a new friend that wants to be of sincere service to me (and then insults me).

Apparently I'm "normal." I'm even slightly "younger" than my actual self physically. Here are the results of my first Wii Fit check up.



I've always considered myself more skinny than normal. According to the scale, it looks like I'm on the fat side of normal.

I rocked it out on all the games and also did a bit of yoga. I'm hoping I'll do enough yoga that eventually I won't need the game anymore to do the yoga and then get flexible and digest my food better and also achieve a sort of new age enlightenment.

At the end of the day, I burned 47 calories.

According to the calorie chart, that's a kiwi. I'm guessing a kiwi has about the same amount of calories as a cylinder of Pringles and a tub of clam dip, because that's exactly what I ate after I finished my first Wii Fit workout.

... Alright that should be the end of my blog post, but I didn't post it in time. Since I've done my first workout, I've also done my second. It just happened to fall on the day where I beat my own record of platefuls of food at Charlie Chow's (three!). That's when the real hilarity starts.

I got home and got on the Wii balance board... and then Wii Fit started scolding me.


At this point it actually asked me: "What do you feel is the cause of your weight gain?" Pretty rude. It only let me answer with one question, although I think I could have truthfully given every answer available.


I was so proud of myself on the first day, but when I took the physical tests the second time here was the result:

Yes, that's right. Now I'm physically five years older than I am chronologically... and chronologically I'm several years older than I ever thought I'd ever be.

Eventually, the Wii Fit just started using cruel psychology.


This is strange because I think I just finished eating 2.2 pounds of rice.


I've always heard that you're not supposed to eat after 9:00 p.m. I never really believed it, though. Now one of my friends is officially telling me through computerized television, so now I sorta do believe it.


I guess it's only gonna get harder. I didn't quite beat the caloric intake of the super fatty kiwi fruit this time.


I forgot to mention in my country music post that one time I got so depressed that I went to the store and heard a country music song on the radio there and actually enjoyed it. That applies again.

midweek mojo rejuvination

Got a haircut again.

That's good for everyone else, but not as good for me. I sure look better with short hair, but I don't feel like myself and I don't have anything to twirl when I'm bored.

That, and other things have removed my mojo. Somehow I need to feel more attractive (besides just looking incredibly attractive).

Right now my best short term solution is listening to good strutting music. The best I can come across is the album Brothers by The Black Keys. Try it out. While it's playing, you'll just feel cooler. That's a promise (the whole album's great, but specifically the song "Ten Cent Pistol").

Also... I'm in the middle of writing a short screenplay about a hitchhiker who tries to rob the people he's getting a ride from -- but then the people he's getting a ride from are trying to rob him at the same time. In order for the story to work, I need the characters to have reasons to want to take the car in two different directions. I also need something the hitchhiker needs from the passengers that relates to a bigger score. Also, the passengers need something specific from the hitchhiker. If you have any ideas, please shoot them to me. There's a story there. It exists, I just have to find it. I need some help looking.

poor me. poor me. pour me another drink.

Here's something I audibly tweeted in the summer of of '91 (because Twitter didn't exist yet): "I can't wait until six months from now when this country music fad will go away."

Over the course of the next couple of decades, I watched helpless as the popularity of country music just kinda hung around. Lately I've been thinking of throwing in the towel and liking country music.

I insist on only liking OLDSCHOOL country music though. Say what you will about emotion in today's songs, but that old country stuff is freakin' for real as it gets. This guy calls into work sometimes looking for country music CDs to buy and he turned me on to this old country chick named Dottie West. When I did research on some of her songs I nearly cried for multiple reasons.


Look at the track listing to her double album cd called A Legend In My Time/Sound Of Country Music. I'm ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS when I say these are real titles of real songs:

1. (I'd Be) A Legend in My Own Time
2. Don't You Ever Get Tired (Of Hurting Me)
3. Funny, Familiar, Forgotten Feelings
4. There Goes My Everything
5. Gettin' Married Has Made Us Strangers
6. No Sign of Living
7. Happiness Lives Next Door
8. Lonely Again
9. You're the Only World I Know
10. You Ain't Woman Enough
11. Together Again
12. Pick Me Up on Your Way Down
13. Someone Before Me
14. I Don't Hurt Anymore
15. Heartaches by the Number
16. City Lights
17. Slowly
18. Crazy Arms
19. I Miss You Already (And You're Not Even Gone)

How can you look at this list and not say these are the most hilarious song titles that have ever existed? I'm not making fun. If these songs are half as good as their titles, it's a steal. I'm probably buying this cd.

Here's another SNL gem from Netflix streaming that highlights my other favorite thing about oldschool country music -- the alcoholism.

http://movies.netflix.com/WiPlayer?movieid=70178605&trkid=3325853

Start watching at 6:08. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

"Prison bars don't serve liquor, and it's always closing time... in jail."

friday afternoon viewing of saturday night

Most people have Netflix these days. That is good.

Recently I noticed that Netflix is now streaming EVERY episode of Saturday Night live. Well, maybe not the current season. The important thing is that there are sketches that I haven't seen in (seriously) 30 years (yeah, some of my earliest memories are watching SNL with the fam).

I just dug up a couple of my favorites that have been on my mind for like 20 years.

This first one is about a new high school trying to decide on a mascot.

It's 1987, Season 13, Episode 3. Try this link and then it starts at 24:31.

Here's one from when Alec Baldwin first hosted the show. This is my favorite Alec Baldwin.

1989, Season 15, Episode 18. Link. Starts at 22:12

"I can handle a menu!"

betazed blues + sam puckett soul

If you know me well at all, you know I'm a huge fan of the Nickelodeon television show iCarly.

On a recent episode, one of the kids developed an interesting iPhone app (actually in the show it's a Pear Phone (apples are pears in that universe)) that would take a picture of someone's face and then through math and science would measure the facial features and reveal that person's precise mood. In the episode, the dangerous side effect of doing this was revealed when one character's mood was measured as "in love." Then, wackiness!

Would such an application be a good thing?

It very well might, but I would fight against it. I would hate the forced vulnerability.

Next step. What if the application revealed who we were in love with? Good?

I would vote horrifying. You may agree with me once everything's in the open. I think most people's hopes would be dashed. The people we're in love with would be in love with the people we're in hate with or they'd just be thinking about food. We'd realize the people in love with us are people too nice for our depravity and/or have lame taste in music. We'd be pushed away from love right from the start because we'd have no hope. We wouldn't be deluded enough to think we had the chance with that certain someone -- and therefore we wouldn't get around to deceiving them into liking us.

We're not getting together though. Surely if everyone said who they were in love with all the time, two like-minded people would agree and immediately get together and live happily ever after.

Or would the TOTAL openness dissolve the romance? If you think about it, most of what makes courtship exciting is what's not said. It's intimacies that have potential to be revealed over a steady period of time. Perhaps if we simply said to one another "I don't mind mixing my genetic material with yours" we actually wouldn't mix our genetic material.

Have you ever wondered what it's like living on the USS Enterprise 1701-D? Deanna Troi lives on that ship. She can read your mind. She comes from a planet where everybody reads each others' minds all the time. Everyone knows who's in love with everybody else. There wouldn't be room for any games. A paradise or a prison? According to Deanna, the open book lifestyle is a wonderful way to live. That's easy for her to say. She's the hottest chick on the ship. We don't see what life's like for the ugliest empath on Betazed. For Deanna it's constant validation that she's the hottest girl around. Her mind either receives that or disgusting, sexist harassment (which would still actually be validation if you ask me).

Anyway, this is reason 524 why I flog love out of my system.

Listen to this song. It's my favorite at the moment.